I put quite a bit of myself into my blog posts over the weekend (particularly the 9/11 one) so yesterday I was feeling exhausted and didn’t have anything left to write. I don’t really today either…it’s rainy, I just got back from a tough but awesome workout at the gym, and the only thing I could think of was a lame post regarding lunches. (Which I’ll totally write later, you know it!).
I was going through my Gmail inbox and noticed I still have a couple of monthly reverb11 prompts hanging out. I deleted one because I just didn’t ever want to write about it (totally lame), but the one from June looked interesting, so here we go:
What can you let yourself off the hook for?
That’s a great question for me. If you are a regular blog reader, you know I am pretty hard on myself and I like to beat myself up about…well, everything, ranging from my weight, my body image, my running, my violin playing, you name it. Sometimes this is really productive and gets me going out to the door or into the (figurative) practice room. Other times it just makes me lie on the couch in a pool of self-loathing. Sadly, as of late, that last one has been what I’ve been feeling. Sure, I’ve been getting my life done—I’m nothing if not a functioning depressive, which at least tells you I’m actually not that depressed or I would be lying on the couch more…I’ve been practicing, working out, teaching, playing a variety of concerts, and rehearsing for an upcoming recording. BUT I feel like a lousy individual and human being and that really wears on me.
What can I let myself off the hook for?
I can let myself off the hook for being sick. I can let myself off the hook for hurting my ankle. I can let myself off the hook for having a recurring wrist problem that affects my violin playing. I can let myself off the hook for feeling fat when I don’t get a workout in, because FAT IS TRULY NOT A FEELING. I can let myself off the hook for feeling like a bad friend when I am having problems and need my friends to help me and listen to me. I can let myself off the hook for eating less healthy food during a bad week. I can let myself off the hook for feeling awkward and uncomfortable around my father because we never established a relationship any other way. I can let myself off the hook for knowing he will read that, because it doesn’t mean I don’t love him.
I can’t let myself off the hook for everything. I won’t list that stuff here. But I don’t have to continually beat myself up every time I haven’t achieved perfection in my life. Nobody achieves perfection. I told a student in a lesson yesterday, “Nobody has a perfect audition.” I believe that when I tell it to the student.
I need to relax and let myself be, or I will self-destruct further than I already have.
(Please remember I am prone to dramatics and do not assume I am near suicidal. Just venting here. Everything is fine!!)