Category Archives: Deep Thoughts

Deep Thoughts

Maybe it is music that will save the world

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I have so many thoughts about what happened in Boston…it’s hard to wrap my brain around them and write or even think coherently. So I’m not going to do that. I’ll just say some random thoughts, because that’s what I do best, and that’s how I’m feeling.

We all feel more strongly when something like this happens on our soil. It’s different when it happens overseas, because then it’s happening to “someone else.” Here, it’s US citizens, families, runners. And people can relate more. What if, though, what if, we all tried our hardest to relate ANYWAY? What if, when something like this happened to people that we felt we had nothing in common with, nothing we could even relate to, except that we are all HUMAN…what if we felt as strongly every time? What if we tried our hardest to want the best for people not only just like us, but utterly unlike us? Just by virtue of them being people?

I got an email notification of a comment to moderate on a post I wrote in December after the shootings in Newtown, which reminded me of what a wonderful quote from Dr King I found that helped me at that time.

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I think it definitely applies here as well. Let’s not add more violence to the violence.

After learning about the explosions the other day, I had to pull myself together and teach violin lessons.

Music brings people together—people from all walks of life and all backgrounds. As Pablo Casals once said, “Maybe it is music that will save the world.”

My thoughts go out to all the people affected. It’s an awful time.

Deep Thoughts, Teaching

Time to hustle

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I spent all weekend judging students for a local music festival.  Yesterday it was 8 hours and today was 4. I’m exhausted, and if I never have to write a comment again I’ll be happy. (I had to judge on a scale from 1 to 5 and give good and constructive comments.) It was neat to see so many students play, and I got to see some really great performances. And some not-as-great performances, but every student deserves accolades for putting forth the effort and giving it their best shot.

Then it was time for a run (the weather today is amazing) and then I finished our taxes. A whole day early!  It’s a lot less stressful running when you don’t have a looming half marathon. Weird, right?

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My room for the weekend. I was showing off my purple Toms.IMG_5938

The fatness hates when I’m gone too long and she refused to look at me when I got home last night.

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The weather today was insanely beautiful. I’m glad I was able to get a run in—it’s warm and windy, and just amazing outside. I wish it could stay like this all summer.

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Lunch both days was catered by Panera. I do love their sandwiches, and I’ve discovered a new love: their peanut butter cookies. Actually, that’s not really a new love. I rarely meet a peanut butter cookie I don’t like. I’m so thankful that I don’t have a peanut allergy! One of my friends does and I feel sad for her.

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I think I look funny wearing eye makeup to go run. But what do you do? I figure I’ll wash it off after when I shower. Plus it’s important to look pretty whilst running so more people honk and yell, right? Even though I like to leave a zit showing…evidently…

Things to do tomorrow: run again. Write my Go race recap—I am planning to write about my abject failure as a person and runner, and my lack of goal reaching and training and all of that. I’ve run more this week than in the 8 weeks leading up to the race. What does that tell you about me?

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Fat cat wishes she had been judging the students. She loves to judge.

Our concert Friday went well. It was really well attended and a great end to the season. I am often torn about Chamber Project St Louis, because I play with them quite a bit, and always tell you guys about it, and wish them well, but I am not actually part of the group. It’s occasionally an awkward situation. I do bring a lot to the group, and will likely continue to play with them in the future, but it’s weird sometimes, promoting a group that I’m not actually a member of.

I want people to come see me play with whomever I am performing. I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. And I love performing.

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Oh, and my biggest news, that I have known for awhile but haven’t been allowed to tell. The school I teach at is closing in the beginning of June. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve decided that I’m going totally private for my teaching. I’ll be taking as many students at my house as I can, and that’s a big step for me—I’ve always been afraid if I go completely private that I won’t have enough students, so I always chicken out and take a (lower-paying but more secure) school job.

While it will likely take a year or more before I’m back where I was, I think in the long run it’s the best move, and I’ll have more time AND more money, and more freedom. Freelancing is a tough business, and I’m going to have to hustle a bit more in the upcoming months, but I’ll get to where I want to be.

I’ve enjoyed my work at my current school though and I have some wonderful students. I love the high level of musicality we are encouraged to achieve with our studios, and the level of respect we all have for one another. I’ll miss many aspects of the job.

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But I am looking forward to my new challenges AND already have some wonderful projects and ideas lined up. I spent the other day rehearsing a Brahms Sonata with a wonderful friend and pianist that we are playing at the Ethical Society in June, and on a full recital in the fall. We are also in talks to create a piano trio. In the past weeks I’ve realized I’m tired of playing the victim (it’s a rare role I take on, but I was doing a bit of wallowing in self-pity) and needed to get off my butt and make my life happen for me. That’s where I am right now, and I have tons of ideas!

This blog post took a little turn, honestly, I was just going to complain about being tired, but ended up spilling my guts (ha! not really) about my career. One thing I’m pretty good at is being flexible and constantly recreating myself…so this is just another chance to do the same. And I might have more time to write too 🙂

Deep Thoughts

On being fulfilled

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Life is hard.

That’s what they tell you anyway. Life isn’t fair.

The older I get (and I know some of you scoff at me saying I’m old, but HEY it’s all relative…) the more I realize that’s true.

But you know what. As much as you disrespect my profession…and YES most people do–(At a wedding gig once, “can you play, get a real job?” “I guess you must really like the…flexibility…” “I played bassoon in high school so I could do your job.”)—but

As much as you disrespect my profession, I don’t sit around wondering if I’ve made a difference in the world.  I know I have. I’ve had over 100 students over the years.  I’ve made a difference to all those kids…some more than others. Some will probably remember our violin lessons for their entire lives, and that’s amazing. And a lot of those kids are amazing too and I will remember THEM for the rest of my life.

I also don’t sit around wondering what the meaning of life is. Beyond being “42”…(Hitchhikers’ Guide reference, of course.)

I mean really. Once you’ve played Mahler 2 and Mahler 3, you don’t ponder the meaning of life anymore. You know. You’ve experienced it. Or late Beethoven quartets. Or the opening of the Brahms violin concerto. I could go on.

Maybe I’ll never be rich. Maybe I’ll never even really be happy (because, I’m an artist…I can’t actually be HAPPY because that would be against my grain…against everything I STAND for…I have to be an overly dramatic, narcissist, tortured soul…)…but I won’t wonder about the meaning of life, or wonder if I’ve made a difference to the world.

I know the world is a better place because I play the violin.  I know that the world is a better place because I teach people to play the violin.

You can look down on musicians. You can pretend we are stupid, or frivolous, or that what we do is irrelevant.

But I know better. I know what I do is one of the most important things in the world. I know that I make the world a better place, and that the world is a better place because people make music.

And don’t tell me about my gifts…and my talents. I worked hard to get to where I am. I sacrificed more than you can ever know (unless you are also a musician), and yes…the violin will never love me back the way I love it.  But that’s okay, because my husband understands too.

It’s not a gift or a talent. It’s just…

The only reason to hang around this world, right? And if you’re not a musician or an artist…don’t you listen to music an awful lot anyway? Most people seem to.

Deep Thoughts

No one is immune

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All day today I kept thinking it was Friday. That’s probably because I’m not teaching tomorrow and I just have a noon time gig.  But it was weird, because I kept thinking of emails I wanted to get sent before the end of the day because who checks their email over the weekend, right?

Now, to be fair, I do. I have to, otherwise some people get annoyed if I don’t respond right away. But other people take the weekends off. And let’s not get started on the people who call in the late afternoon and then tell me to call back in the evening and then call again the next morning wondering why I didn’t call.  Gee, I couldn’t have been busy until late the night before.  No way.

Where was I? Oh right. Emails.  Friday. But it’s actually Thursday, in case you weren’t aware (though we are just three short hours away from Friday so there’s that.) Tomorrow is a big deal: Chris’s parents (that would be my parents-in-law) come to visit for approximately six days.  We have dinner reservations at Trattoria Marcella for tomorrow night and I’m really looking forward to it. Other than that I don’t know what we’re doing while they are here.  I’m back to work plus extra gigs starting Saturday so I’ll be counting down the weeks until June now…

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This morning I played for a funeral of a man I didn’t know. (This happens when you are a musician. Yes, I can play the violin while crying, thanks for asking.)

I’ve started reading “The Still Point of the Turning World” by Emily Rapp. It’s a fantastic book, written by a woman who lost her baby to Tay-Sachs disease—one of those genetic diseases you learn about in high school biology but statistically figure would absolutely never affect you or somebody you knew.

The other day on NPR Terry Gross was interviewing Emily Rapp and what made me want to get her book was that she said something about how grief and loss are just as much a part of the human experience as happiness and joy—in fact, we are all going to die, and we are all going to lose people we love and people we know, and no one is immune to it. That really spoke to me.

This morning during the funeral I was thinking about that—how the speaker who basically my age, was  eulogizing his dad who died of pancreatic cancer (after a THREE YEAR FIGHT!!!) It could have been me giving the eulogy…this (barring illness or accident) will be me someday (hopefully not for a long time, I’m not wishing anything here of course!)—someday I too will be giving a eulogy for a parent—or sitting in the pew with my siblings watching another sibling do it.

And of course I cried along with the speaker. Nothing makes me cry more than when a guy is crying.

Anyway, the thing Emily Rapp was saying was, people say, oh I’m so blessed or I’m so lucky, and she doesn’t think that’s true. We all experience loss and grief, but that doesn’t mean we don’t also lead full, rich lives that are full of love. No one escapes this.

I know I went from “it feels like Friday, why do people keep calling me?” to “Hey who’s going to die of pancreatic cancer next”…but that’s life isn’t it?

Auditions, Deep Thoughts, Performing

Is that your expert opinion?

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I keep thinking I should write a post about auditions. My casual readers won’t care at all, but musician readers would care. I’m not the Bulletproof Musician though—I don’t have any real advice for you—I haven’t shown tremendous success in the audition world—and I don’t consider myself an expert on auditioning. But I think that’s part of the charm of my blog: I don’t pretend to be an expert on things that I am NOT an expert on. (Many do. I think this is a big problem with the world—too many “experts” and too little actual knowledge.)

What do I consider myself an expert on? 

Well…I’m starting to feel that way about teaching violin.  The more I do it (going on what, 15 years or so now?) the more I feel like I’m starting to know what I’m doing. You say, what, that’s ridiculous, of course you’re already an expert on violin teaching. I say, I am learning every day. I learn from my students what works, what doesn’t work. I learn from talking to other teachers. I learn by reading a couple of blogs and journals. I learn from taking workshops and classes. I will likely never consider myself to be an expert, because I consider myself a constant student. But I do know that I am a better teacher NOW than at any point in the past and that I will only continue to grow. So check back—maybe in two years I’ll say, yeah I’m an expert violin teacher.

I’m really good at playing for weddings. I still get a little stressed about timing and I’m no expert at dealing with brides—I do my best, but people don’t always respond well to me—I tend to have a dry sense of humor and sometimes my efforts to calm people down don’t work! I have a fantastic smile though and often people respond well to that 😉 That said, I’m great at playing the music, I’m great at keeping an eye out for cues and knowing when to start and stop.

I used to be a really good orchestral player. Or at least I thought I was. I probably still am—I just don’t get as much of an opportunity these days. I’m great at playing in a section and I’m a darn good concertmaster for Winter Opera St Louis.  Expert? I’m always improving.

I guess it depends on the definition of expert.  Merriam Webster says the definition of expert is: having, involving, or displaying special skill or knowledge derived from training or experience. 

By that definition, I’m definitely an expert violinist and violin teacher. I have special skills AND knowledge.  Maybe I’m an audition expert too? I’ve certainly participated in enough to consider myself one, and playing for a judge has been a skill I’ve used since I was a young girl, both for violin and piano.

Maybe I’m afraid if I say “expert” that I’ll sit on my haunches and think no one has anything else to teach me? I’m an avid reader (as you know) and I’m constantly looking for more information about life, the universe and everything…I often feel that many people lack the intense intellectual curiosity that I have, but that might just be me thinking I’m smarter than a lot of people.  (I do think that but I’m especially tickled when I realize a friend really is smarter than me!)

So what do you think? Can I consider myself an expert but also admit that I have tons more to learn? I’m sure I can, but I’m hesitant to do so. Or I just have low self-esteem 😉

Really though, we have so many self-proclaimed “experts” in the world.  You see it on other blogs, you see it in the mainstream media. How many of those people are truly experts? Very few! Most just seem to like to hear themselves talk.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I like to read my own writing, which is very similar, but I’m not pretending to be something I’m not.

All that said—I should write some audition posts. I know some readers have asked questions about my most recent experience (which is STILL very raw) and my past experiences…maybe I’ll add that to my blog “to do list”.