I’ve been busy all week rehearsing this:

This Friday night and Sunday afternoon Winter Opera St Louis is performing Tosca.  I HIGHLY recommend the show because the singers are AMAZING.  Plus the orchestra (I’m concertmaster) is not bad…in fact I think we sound pretty good and this is one of the first times I’ve really insisted to Chris that he come (he always does if he’s free anyway, which is rare because the symphony usually performs during the same times, but this time I think it’s a MUST SEE!).  Visit Winter Opera St Louis for more information, okay?

Also that theme you see is constantly in my head.  My friend Sarah got mad at me last night because I kept singing it out loud.  Oh well, better than Lord of the Rings, right?  (Different.)

I’ve been trying to keep up the practicing.  I think that’s another reason I haven’t been blogging as much (other than being a little depressed and not having a whole lot to say).  I made my first Target trip in over a month and got new socks and a new gray sweater. 

I didn’t buy this card, but I love it.  “It’s every Irishman’s delight!” Though I prefer the spelling Moustache to Mustache.  My spell check tells me both are acceptable.

When you aren’t preparing for an audition you have more time for etudes.  I thought working on one with a bunch of flats would be good practice for the opera.  It’s so challenging to play in the tune in the keys with so many flats, but SO important to not play sharp.

I love being back into working out.  My legs are sore and I feel great because of it. 

I’m working really hard to get back to feeling like myself.  It bothers me most because I think it’s primarily “just” in my head (which I know isn’t a just thing) and other people have actual problems.  Or I do have actual problems…I just don’t even know anymore.  I think it’s probably a good thing I have a spring break pretty soon.  Maybe I’ll be able to sort some stuff out.  I’m just tired of being sad and angry.

I read a friend’s blog post the other day and she wrote the line “To me, it is very difficult to get the gist of myself.”  That really struck a chord with me.  I don’t like to veer too negative or TOO personal here on the blog, because I’m just not comfortable with those things…we’ll just say that it’s been a challenging week and perhaps before that too.  I feel a little unlike myself.

Yesterday for instead.  I got up.  I met a friend for lunch.  I was supposed to go to a blogger meet up and I just suddenly felt entirely overwhelmed.  I just couldn’t.  Sometimes I get horrific society anxiety, and the idea of talking to a bunch of virtual strangers (one person there I would know) just pushed me over the edge and I sat in my car crying for a bit.  Yeah, great, right?!

I went home instead and played violin for two hours (which was GLORIOUS because I am in fantastic violin shape right now and I feel like I’ve never been able to play better).  Friday night was a similar thing—after the concert I had originally made plans to go hang out with the girls, but I just couldn’t deal with the idea of all the people.  I went home and waited for Chris to get off work instead.  Lame, but…I guess it’s just something I’m dealing with.  I think the feeling that here, we are still struggling to put our careers together, and it’s such a disgusting horrific struggle…that I just don’t want to deal with people.  Or maybe I’m just depressed.  I’m not a psychiatrist, I can only attempt to self diagnose.

That said.  Don’t start calling in the men with white jackets just yet.  I’m really good at faking it.  So I figured, you know what, I need to get my butt out there for a run.  I ran for 1.5 miles and it was just awful.  I wanted to puke for most of the run and stopped to walk a couple times too.  I had to run in the street to avoid the icy sidewalks and honestly, my running tights were a little snug.  But I did it.  My first run since that race in January that WENT SO WELL.  Because it DID. It was great, and then I got sick, and then I got sick again, and in the meantime I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

And then I did feel a little better.  Maybe it’s feeling like I’m in control of a few things.  I can play violin, I can work out, I can lose those few pounds I’ve gained in the past weeks (at least) due to stress eating.  Sure, a lot of things are out of my control, but not everything.

It’s funny then, you make one good decision, it’s easy to make a few more.  I made a healthy lunch, put together some chicken in the crockpot for dinner, and suddenly had a lot more energy.  Now I’m off to practice a bit before I teach.  I’m not saying I’m suddenly magically feeling amazing or even really that great, just that I’m not feeling like a big pile of you know what.  So there you have it.  Happy Monday!

Oh, and this is all pretty personal stuff.  Writing helps, so I hope you enjoy reading it!

I figured I can’t call myself a real blogger without a year in review post.  Plus I have some time right now as I wait for Chris to play his concert before we go to our friend’s party to usher in the new year in style.

I’m going to take a little bit different approach than many.  Only pictures.  One picture to sum up each month.  If you are a regular blog reader, you’ll probably recognize all these photos and you can skip this post.

(I was just thinking, nobody makes that whole joke about how long it takes to remember the new year when you’re writing checks anymore, do they?  Bring on 2013!)

2012 in Pictures:

January

 

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

Bonus Pictures:

Thanks to everybody for their love and support this year.  I hope that 2013 brings more new adventures and wonderful experiences. Until then!

Oh and…

(quote from Martin Luther King, Jr.)

I was going to come here this morning and write some mundane stuff about my life.  It even seems trite to mention that, oh, hey, not ONLY was there the tragedy (is tragedy the right word to use even—it doesn’t seem quite right either) in Connecticut, there was a shooting ON MY BLOCK yesterday.  I wasn’t at home, but Chris heard the shots and texted me.  I was on my way to work and was totally freaking out.  Then one of the other teachers at work who just had a baby was completely upset about the school shootings (as are we all) and I didn’t know what to say.  What do you say? 

I feel like something needs to change. 

I don’t want to move out of the city.  I enjoy living in an area where there are more trees than parking lots, where buildings and homes are full of character, and where restaurants are independently owned and operated.  I grew up in a small town and I’m not going back to that.  Ever.  The risks to my mental health are too great.

I’ll leave you with this link, which I recommend you check out.  The 30 Most Important Cats of 2012.  It’s meant for a bit of comic relief, to cheer you up. 

I’ll be back later today or tomorrow with a post all about me, don’t worry 🙂