Category Archives: Deep Thoughts

The Days Go By

Time seems to be a bit frozen, doesn’t it?

It’s not that each day seems the same, because for teaching, everyday is different and I always need to know what day it is. But then there are these two days totally off (well, except for the inevitable emailing and such, and perhaps practicing) and the weekend seems like it should be full of fun and relaxing, but you can’t go anywhere, and you have to carefully plan everything that you might need that you don’t have.

So that’s where we all are though, and there’s something in solidarity. I am trying to read a lot of mysteries (cozy mysteries are a solace as usual) and we have been watching some tv every night and taking walks and working out and gardening when the weather is nice (which isn’t enough, I was hoping today would be nicer than it is, as I need to keep working on the garden beds).

I know we aren’t supposed to read the news, but part of me says, well it’s a civic duty to stay up on things, after all, isn’t part of why we are stuck like this because people aren’t informed? Then again, being informed just means you know that the government has done the worst possible job in preparing for this pandemic, and yet knowing that somehow people will forget and likely think the government did a good job, and then 20 years from now some other horrible thing will happen that could have been avoided and then people will once again forget…etc, etc, etc.

I’ve been thinking how it is rather relaxing to be stuck at home. Other violin teachers are saying how teaching online is so much more tiring that teaching in person, and I am not feeling that at all. I find it much easier. Then again, do I? Maybe if I were doing the exact same schedule and teaching in person I would feel even more relaxed…if I didn’t always have another gig to run off to, or a concert to play? But then again, I love playing. I miss playing. I also love going out and doing things, even though it can be tiring. I could spend the rest of my life doing a similar schedule to this, but I would feel that I was wasting my life, and I would feel that I was wasting my violin skills (and also the financial thing).

I suppose I should just focus on the positive here in order to stay sane (obviously there is mostly negative in this situation as people are sick and dying and others are struggling so much financially), and the positive is that Louie and I are having a bit more time to spend together and that I have a bit more time to cook and am having fun with that even if the ingredients are harder to come by, and that I am really getting a lot of relaxing in, to the point that I definitely am getting tired of having so much relaxing time, because it feels very lazy. But not only that, but I don’t want to look back on my life and say, oh it was great how I got to sleep in on the weekends and didn’t anything interesting or productive to society. So that’s why I do what I normally do, but…I suppose this is a time for respite.

I know I am all over the map here. It’s a tough time for us all, isn’t it? The constant anxiety and stress is really tiring as well, which might be why so many teachers feel more tired than usual. I’m generally pretty anxious and stressed, so that might be why teaching online is affecting me slightly less, but there is still a low-level anxiety present at all times. I worry about getting sick but I worry more about my loved ones getting sick. I worry about how long this will go on, and if large scale concerts will happen again this year or even next. I am accepting jobs for the late summer and fall, while thinking there’s a low likelihood that they will even happen. People talk of “going back to work” but I haven’t seen anyone really laying out a way to have large scale events while the virus is still a threat at all. And that means that musicians can’t go back to work any time soon…

So while things are stressful, a few fun things:

CATS!

Earlier in the week it was nice enough outside to have the window open.

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A bird was sitting on top of the house.

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The cats have been doing some parkour/MMA style fighting lately, but I think it’s all in good fun.

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We’ve been doing takeout once a week (we figure yes, it is riskier behavior but we are doing our best to take precautions and feel it helps our mental health) and this was Friday night. Chile relleno from our favorite Mexican restaurant, Lily’s Mexican.

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They even do takeout margaritas, with little bottles to all the alcohol later.

Oh, and in case you want to know which Cozy Mysteries I’ve been reading, I just finished the Hat Shop series by Jenn McKinlay, and am starting her Library Lovers series. I do a combination of library kindle with some purchases for my reading, always checking the library first. Lately Amazon has been offering $3 in digital credit for slower shipping so that helps out (normally it’s $1) and they often run other specials. (I share a prime account with Louie already.)

I’ll probably put out another video tomorrow, or do a facebook live soon. I’ve got a couple of pieces in mind, and I hope people are enjoying the videos. Comments are appreciated!

I’m getting my first grocery delivery from Schnucks tomorrow morning, if all goes well. I am conflicted on getting delivery, but I thought I’d give it a shot..if I don’t get some of the more important things I need (milk!)I’ll have to go in search of them later, but I feel fairly confident there will be options for the shopper tomorrow morning. Our imperfect foods delivery last Tuesday had some mixups and I’m still waiting to hear back from customer service about that (they’ve sent some automatic responses telling me they are swamped, which is understandable), but the produce part of the delivery was still good so I’ve got another order coming Tuesday for that (if they mess up the rest of the delivery again that will be telling). I feel like thinking about food and supplies is all consuming for me, but I also think I’m using this as a way to control my anxiety, so I’m just going with it. I don’t know if food supplies will get better or worse so I’m just trying to do my best.

In any case, how are you all doing? Are you staying well? Having trouble getting basic supplies or doing just fine with that?

Grieving

I’ve been reading some stuff lately about how the feelings many of us are going through is actually grief. I haven’t felt like I am allowed to feel upset by everything going on…after all, many have it worse! First off, the sick, and those around them. Then, the people who have lost their jobs entirely…and so on. Never mind that I’ve lost approximately 1/3 of my income, my favorite part of my career is completely gone for who knows how long, and all the fun things we were looking forward to over the summer, including a pretty remarkable trip to France…likely gone. And yes, others have it worse, and I know how lucky we are in my house to still have no issues paying the bills, to have a nice backyard, to live in a neighborhood where we can take a little walk around, and to have two adorable cats (well, this I’m not even working hard to boost up, I am thrilled.)

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But the numbness I have been feeling the past two weeks or so…I find it moving into anger more often than I care to. Anger at our country’s leadership, or perhaps lack thereof. Anger, or perhaps jealously that I am somehow still working so hard during the week while so many seem to have oodles of free time. Anger that I’ve absolutely lost every gig and event and so has every single FREELANCE musician, but I only read about orchestral musicians in the news, or successful artists who are having to give free online concerts to sell their CD’s rather than a national tour.

I try to focus on the positive (weekends off! more time to cook! I’m only working 35 hours a week instead of my usual 50!) but then I take up all my extra time with worry and reading news. I realize those things aren’t necessarily productive but they happen anyway. I’ve also been spending more time exercising and reading, and those are good things. And we’ve had more online family chats than ever before because ordinarily it would be extraordinary to have a time that all of us were at home and available, and now it is commonplace.

How are you dealing? Do you also suffer from guilt of feeling down about how things are yet knowing that you are actually doing just fine and shouldn’t be upset?

Oh, and this extra cat hammock is just from Amazon. It was fairly easy to put on the tree…if you are handy.

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We did get takeout from our favorite Mexican place on Friday night, went hiking Sunday morning at Greensfelder Park (it wasn’t too busy, but we did make an effort to get there by mid-morning to avoid potential crowds and planned to go elsewhere if it seemed too busy), and did some gardening as well. For the garden I’m working on getting our garden beds back into order—they go along the edge of the yard and there is a brick border but it was pretty buried so we had to dig it out first. Next weekend we will likely finish weeding and start preparing the ground for planting.

Today, as every day this week, is full of online lessons. I’ve been using Zoom, Skype, and Facetime with varied success. Sometimes I wear headphones and other times I don’t. Sometimes it works really well and other times it doesn’t. That’s just about how things are going right now. I do find online teaching so far to be a little bit easier.  The kids stay focused more on the computer than they do in real life.  I think having a smaller area to look at for their lessons keeps them focused more, and of course they love screens! Thank goodness for technology in these difficult times.

Year in Review/Decade in Review

I think this is the first year in a few years that I wasn’t glad to see go away. For me, it was a pretty good year overall, though every year has its ups and downs. I know when I’ve had a good year, others haven’t, and when others have had good years, I might not have. I feel lucky that this feels like overall a pretty good year.

2019:

I recorded music for a play. I played with the Who and Weird Al Yankovic. My band put out a CD. I taught hundreds of lessons. I relearned how to cross stitch. I stood in a campsite in Banff as a herd of elk walked through. Louie and I picked out a new car together. I made date pudding and served Christmas Dinner to 12 people. I went to Branson and saw Dolly Parton’s DP Stampede and drove a golf cart. I hiked to a Tea House in Lake Louise and to the top of a mountain in Yellowstone. I saw many cities of prairie dogs, bison, black bears, and a grizzly bear. We lost our cat Miles. I played more weddings than I would like to be able to count. I welcomed my new nephew to the world. I watched a raccoon walk right up my front steps. I went down a bunch of slides at the City Museum. I walked on a glacier. I ate poutine while looking at the same glacier. I ran a few 5k’s. I made authentic British Scones. I had lobster. I played some operas and some musicals. We finished remodeling the upstairs bathroom shower. I read more books that I could possibly name, and particularly enjoyed the Outlander Series and the Philippa Gregory books.

Decade in Review “the ‘10s”:

I got married, got divorced, and then I met Louie. I made some great friends, but lost some too.  I lost quite a few pets but gained a couple. I lost my grandmother and two uncles and I gained a niece and nephew and a brother-in-law. I learned to play viola and I taught thousands of violin lessons (I won’t begin to count). I paid off my student loans. I ran a bunch of races. I visited France, Italy, Canada, various Caribbean Islands, and lots of different states. I stayed in a teepee, and slept in a tent while a bear attacked the car nearby. I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back in one day and lived to tell the tale (don’t do it!). I read thousands (I assume) of books and watched quite a lot of television shows as well.  I baked many cookies and quite a few pies. I got better at cooking. I learned to pee in the woods while hiking. I experienced a lot of self-doubt, both personally and professionally and worked through some of it.

As I sit in my house (“comfy and cozy” as my niece Athena described it), typing on my laptop, wearing my Glacier Park t-shirt and gray joggers, things seem pretty good. I’m warm, I’m dry, I’m cozy, I’m texting with a few friends as I type (distraction-free this blog post isn’t), and I still have 6 more days before I get back to teaching…life is pretty darned good. They say hindsight is 2020, but it seems to me that for today, foresight is 2020.

False Winter

At least fall weather is back…the winter weather we had the other week was a false alarm, or simply foreboding, or something. I know, it’ll be back, but today I enjoyed a 3 mile run in 50 degree weather and I’ll take it! Louie and I are doing the Hot Chocolate 5k this weekend, and while I’m regretting this decision due to being sooo busy, it’s fine. I’m used to being busy, and it’ll be fun! I’m mostly stressing over packet pickup and parking at the event, and getting up so early to run. You know, the usual.

I feel like I keep going through the same patterns in my life, feeling overwhelmed, then taking time to relax, then feeling like everybody except me is doing more interesting things in their lives or work (especially work, I must admit, since as a musician and even approaching middle age I still have so much of my self-worth tied up into my worth as a violinist!). I feel like everything comes harder to me than other people, and even though I know that isn’t true, it still pulls on me. Lately I’ve been missing playing chamber music and solo stuff, and trying to figure out how to make more of that happen…the quartet is getting together for a few concerts in the spring, but I’m not overwhelmingly excited about the repertoire and yet, I’m just tired of trying to do so much. This is the hard part of being outside of an organization. Those in orchestras constantly complain about their work schedule, how they don’t have control over their musical life, etc, but gosh sometimes it’s nice to play a gig or concert where I just have to show up! It doesn’t happen often.

But eh, it’s all good. There are cycles of life, and mostly things are okay.

Funny story: I got home from a rehearsal the other night and as I was parking, I saw a chicken cross the road. Why? I don’t know. My neighbors a few doors down have chickens though, so I assumed it was one of theirs, so I parked and ran after it, knocking on their door along the way, but they didn’t seem to be home. I don’t know exactly what I thought I would do, but I did this once before and managed to chase the chicken back towards her home, so that was kind of my thought. Or maybe pick it up? In any case the chicken was definitely a bit scared of me and kept running further away, and weaving through a cast iron fence, in the yard of an apartment complex on the corner. I was running around the yard, dodging the fence, bushes, etc, and finally the chicken seemed to be pretty settled into a bush, hiding from me, and I thought, what am I doing? So I wished it good night and headed home, hoping it would be okay. I did see on Next Door (the armpit website of society, but I keep it in case Miles ever shows up) that somebody caught the chicken and took it home with them, and I responded with the information I had, so hopefully there will be or has been a happy homecoming.

I had to do a similar thing with Muriel today, as she snuck out the front door when I was bringing in groceries. This happens occasionally, and I am used to trying to thwart her, but this time she got by and ended up going further than ever, which was super stressful for me…she was in my neighbor’s front yard nibbling on some bushes and trying to stay out of my reach. I felt like a crazy person, and wondered how much of the rest of my life will be spend simply running after pets/animals who don’t want to get caught?

The impeachment trials continue. It seems ludicrous that this is somehow partisan… I know that no matter what happens, it won’t matter, and probably because something to do with Hillary Clinton’s emails. So therefore we must ignore all science telling us that manmade climate change is real and such, because of white supremacy. I think I summed it up, and if you are reading this and disagree, I don’t really care. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of hearing about people dying or avoiding the doctor for months and months because they don’t have proper health care. I think we the people can and should do better, and instead, we have people running the country who are in it for their own profits, and don’t think laws apply to them at all, and I’m just over it. I know that the “other side” will argue it’s always been happening, but I think that’s disingenuous, and even if true, (perhaps to some extent, sure, politicians are often dirty, but many of them do end up in jail when they are) why not try to break the cycle?

I can’t imagine another year of hearing about presidential races. I feel like we are all in a bad dream.

I made brownies today, with frozen cranberries from last December. I’m going to go try one now. I didn’t make them for any particular reason…I thought it would be good to use up the cranberries and the brownie mix to free up room in the freezer and shelves, so that’s a good enough reason. I have 6 students today, easy day. I’m looking forward to a fun student recital this weekend, after a long few days of work, and then I’m really looking forward to three days off over Thanksgiving! Hopefully the weather will hold up and we can get some outdoor time.

Pumpkin Spice

I don’t mind the pumpkin spice thing. I enjoy the spices involved. That’s the thing though, they ARE spices, not pumpkin. The spices you use to make pumpkin pie! Which evidently if it comes from a can isn’t actually pumpkin, but is squash…and as if there’s a big problem with that? I’m just beyond caring about these things. I like pumpkin pie. Maybe I’ll make one soon. I even have a little can of something called “Pumpkin pie spice”. I won’t be angry to learn it isn’t full of pumpkin pie.

It’s easy to get worked up about things these days, isn’t it? And there’s plenty of important and terrible things to get worked up about. I feel like instead though often people get worked up about little things, like pumpkin spice lattes or straws, that aren’t as important in the big picture. I went out to dinner last night at a place that didn’t provide straws for their drinks except by request. Great! Sometimes I don’t actually need three straws per meal. They did provide unlimited paper napkins though, and also my drink was so full of ice that with every sip the ice uncomfortably hurt my nose. Not a huge problem, no, and I definitely could have asked for a straw but I didn’t. I don’t eat meat for environmental reasons (though I do eat seafood, which is probably not great) and I don’t have children…my personal impact on the world is less than many. It’s hard to know what to do, isn’t it? I know what NOT to do: vote for people who don’t care about the climate or who think man-made climate change isn’t real. But I don’t know what actually to do. Was it worth my annoying drink? Should restaurants use less ice in their drinks?? And I’m not going to carry around a straw…I know I probably should, and I should carry a small container for leftovers when eating out. It’s hard to do all the right things…and many of the wrong things…and then still feel like nothing matters.

That’s not why I sat down to write, but I think a lot of us feel the same: we aren’t sure what to do. We recycle, then evidently we are recycling wrong. We want to buy local, but we can’t find what we need and we don’t have the time. So we use Amazon, oh, and look, you can have everything shipped all at once on one day, great! and then oops, they decide to ship it all separately anyway, so each item is individually packaged. That’s okay, you’ll recycle the boxes, besides the cat loves them…and we just constantly feel like we are failing. I know we are just failing in our impact on the world, and I feel helpless to stop it. Maybe I need a support group!

So, lately I’ve been pretty darn busy with work. I’m playing a broadway which started last week and goes through this week, so that means I’m burning the candle at both ends. I had a variety of early morning activities last week as well, and a few later this week. My teaching load isn’t too bad generally, but I have three mornings I have to get up early to teach. It isn’t bad, and I know many people get up early for various jobs and then work out before as well, but how many of them then work until 10:15 pm? Would you believe some people think musicians and artists are lazy? (Well, to be fair, some are, but not the working ones). Monday was great because one of my colleges was on fall break so I got to sleep in a bit, go  for a long run, and then catch up on all the home and work related things I hadn’t been able to do for about 5 days. I also had time to read and do a bit of crafting and talk with my sister Leslie and niece over facetime.

I’ve been working on a few projects with cross stitch and needle felting lately. I got a needle felting project last Christmas as a gift from Leslie and had been avoiding it because I didn’t know how. I finally dived in a few weeks ago and really enjoyed it. I am planning a few more things after I finish making all the hedgehogs. I am trying to spend my random bits of free time during the day more productively than simply scrolling on my phone. I find I’ll have 15 minutes here or 30 minutes there and I would like to have more hobbies than simply “read” (which I adore and is my favorite thing). I have spent time in the past by practicing, but sometimes I don’t want to do that either or my body needs a break. We’ll see how this hobby lasts…I am often picking up and dropping new hobbies but in the meantime, I’m enjoying myself, and stabbing a small hedgehog all over with needles is rather satisfying.

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Since I’m used to working on things on a slow scale, that didn’t take very long at all: two weeks maybe? But I thought it was funny enough to start with. I’m doing a Halloween stitch right now, and have two more on order, one for Thanksgiving and one for Christmas. I’ve been getting kits from Etsy for now.

I do feel like I mostly come here on the blog to sort of clear my head and complain about random things. The truth is that right now I’m feeling pretty good about my life and how things are going. I don’t have too many things I want to change overall, and I feel good about the direction my career and finances are going: I am teaching fun students, many of whom have been with me for years. I’m playing interesting jobs with many colleagues who I genuinely like, and though I’d love to have more time off, my schedule right now works with Louie’s schedule as he is also very busy during the school year. So down the road I will look to downsize and to cut back, but right now I’m working hard, saving money, and staying organized.

And can you believe it’s October already? The Arch Cup is almost here for my students…I was a little hard on one of them yesterday and feel a bit bad about that. Louie’s birthday is at the end of the month and we have some fun stuff planned, and then it’s Halloween and all. I love fall and (honestly) pumpkin stuff and so I’m happy.

Wednesday thoughts

In the spirit of 9/11 I am reflecting on how our nation and ourselves have changed since then. I wrote a few more paragraphs about this all, but I deleted it, because everything I wrote sounded angry.

That’s how I feel about my country right now: angry. Gun violence is out of control. We are headed towards a recession. White supremacy terrorism is on the rise. We are locking up immigrants and immigrant children in cages and refusing them basic care. If you’re not angry, as they say, you’re not paying attention.

And maybe that’s the best way to cope. It’s too easy to get overwhelmed by all the bad news. It’s much easier to just focus on our own lives and our much smaller problems, and deal with those. I waffle back and forth…do I spend time calling and contacting my representatives? How much money should I give to this or this other cause? How much should I just focus on my own relationships and family?

I don’t have a ton of free time, as you know. In some ways I’d like to be more involved, but so often that seems to be a weekend thing for various groups and I am either working on the weekends or it’s the only time Louie and I have had all week to hang out. People talk about self-care and such, and it really is an important thing to do.

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(cats don’t worry about self-care)

I guess I’m saying, I wish I could do more to change the world. I am settling for what I can do: teach people to play the violin, one person at a time. Sometimes I feel guilty because I’m teaching people of privilege to play: private music lessons are something that people really struggling to pay bills don’t do. (I have a facebook friend with a non-profit who works with kids from less fortunate areas on violin lessons, and I think that’s really cool.) But that doesn’t take away from the importance of music lessons, and how I can impact their lives, and I tell myself that this is important. We musicians always like to overstate our importance to society, but society always likes to understate the importance of teachers to society.

I’m rambling now. I should drink a bit more coffee and go for a run. I am perhaps currently the world’s slowest runner and people might say, just run faster, but you know what, that’s really hard. 

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(We have another CD release concert this weekend. Follow this link to hear some of the music. )

I’m getting a flu shot this morning as well. I feel like it’s maybe too early, yet I had a student telling me that she had the flu during the week, and whether or not that’s true (she wasn’t officially diagnosed by a doctor or anything) I don’t want the flu.

And truth be told, sometimes I don’t know if violin lessons matter or anything. But mostly the kids enjoy them, and that’s probably enough!