I used to live alone, but it’s been a long time. And of course I haven’t been "single" in a long time. I am NOT used to being alone. I do enjoy my alone time, but those two are incredibly different—being alone and alone time. Chris is gone for just a few weeks and if I hadn’t made plans to go visit a friend I think I was on the verge of imploding. Yes, I guess I truly am that codependent and needy. That’s why Chris and I work so well together—we are both needy, codependent, and hate being alone. (There are a whole host of other reasons too, in fact, many of those reasons are less pathetic sounding!)
Yet here I sit, alone in Chicago…which is fine, because my friend is just out for a run and then we are getting lunch. I spent all morning alone too, and I didn’t mind a bit. If I were sitting in my apartment at home I’d probably be going stir crazy (I know I was by Wednesday night), but here I did a 5 mile run up and down the lakefront, then read a bit, listened to music…all totally normal stuff. But it feels better, and I feel more relaxed and calm than I did at home. Of course, I don’t have to worry about cleaning, or clutter, or even wedding planning for a few days. That helps too.
I think, however, it helps most being near an old friend. I have made some wonderful friends in St Louis, but they are all "new" friends. Karen understands me really well, yet still likes me. She has seen me at some very low points in my life, and some very high points. We don’t always see eye to eye, but we get where the other person is coming from. It’s really relaxing being around somebody like that—not worrying about saying the wrong thing or embarrassing myself (sorry St Louis friends, but I worry about those sort of things all time!) And she gives honest, practical, advice. I think me being here is helping her out too–
It’s nice sometimes to just be Hannah too…since I moved to St Louis with Chris I have always been part of a couple for everybody there. My old friends know ME and Chris both together and separate. I fear losing my sense of self (have I already?). In fact, I’m terrified of it. My past, my present, my future. These are things that Chris is a part of, but I still have my own life, and I don’t want to simply be part of a couple.
Does that sound terrible? I don’t think so…I want to marry Chris because being with him is the only thing in life that has made me truly content and happy…but part of me is that I am not content and happy BEING truly content and happy. I like to be a bit off kilter…to have a bit more excitement, even if that excitement ends with burning my finger on a skewer, or with a bunch of bruises on my legs, or even in tears. I want the downs in life to make the ups that much stronger. That’s why I love classical music…you get those ups and downs and in-betweens. Emotions make us feel alive. I believe that Chris knows this about me and tries to protect me from myself.
I feel like I’m being really introspective and dark for 2:30 pm. But it’s GOOD. It’s important to analyze ourselves and our motives.
Sorry for the deep post! Must be the heat, getting to me 🙂