I read a friend’s blog post the other day and she wrote the line “To me, it is very difficult to get the gist of myself.” That really struck a chord with me. I don’t like to veer too negative or TOO personal here on the blog, because I’m just not comfortable with those things…we’ll just say that it’s been a challenging week and perhaps before that too. I feel a little unlike myself.
Yesterday for instead. I got up. I met a friend for lunch. I was supposed to go to a blogger meet up and I just suddenly felt entirely overwhelmed. I just couldn’t. Sometimes I get horrific society anxiety, and the idea of talking to a bunch of virtual strangers (one person there I would know) just pushed me over the edge and I sat in my car crying for a bit. Yeah, great, right?!
I went home instead and played violin for two hours (which was GLORIOUS because I am in fantastic violin shape right now and I feel like I’ve never been able to play better). Friday night was a similar thing—after the concert I had originally made plans to go hang out with the girls, but I just couldn’t deal with the idea of all the people. I went home and waited for Chris to get off work instead. Lame, but…I guess it’s just something I’m dealing with. I think the feeling that here, we are still struggling to put our careers together, and it’s such a disgusting horrific struggle…that I just don’t want to deal with people. Or maybe I’m just depressed. I’m not a psychiatrist, I can only attempt to self diagnose.
That said. Don’t start calling in the men with white jackets just yet. I’m really good at faking it. So I figured, you know what, I need to get my butt out there for a run. I ran for 1.5 miles and it was just awful. I wanted to puke for most of the run and stopped to walk a couple times too. I had to run in the street to avoid the icy sidewalks and honestly, my running tights were a little snug. But I did it. My first run since that race in January that WENT SO WELL. Because it DID. It was great, and then I got sick, and then I got sick again, and in the meantime I nearly had a nervous breakdown.
And then I did feel a little better. Maybe it’s feeling like I’m in control of a few things. I can play violin, I can work out, I can lose those few pounds I’ve gained in the past weeks (at least) due to stress eating. Sure, a lot of things are out of my control, but not everything.
It’s funny then, you make one good decision, it’s easy to make a few more. I made a healthy lunch, put together some chicken in the crockpot for dinner, and suddenly had a lot more energy. Now I’m off to practice a bit before I teach. I’m not saying I’m suddenly magically feeling amazing or even really that great, just that I’m not feeling like a big pile of you know what. So there you have it. Happy Monday!
Oh, and this is all pretty personal stuff. Writing helps, so I hope you enjoy reading it!