Getting the gist of myself

I read a friend’s blog post the other day and she wrote the line “To me, it is very difficult to get the gist of myself.”  That really struck a chord with me.  I don’t like to veer too negative or TOO personal here on the blog, because I’m just not comfortable with those things…we’ll just say that it’s been a challenging week and perhaps before that too.  I feel a little unlike myself.

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Yesterday for instead.  I got up.  I met a friend for lunch.  I was supposed to go to a blogger meet up and I just suddenly felt entirely overwhelmed.  I just couldn’t.  Sometimes I get horrific society anxiety, and the idea of talking to a bunch of virtual strangers (one person there I would know) just pushed me over the edge and I sat in my car crying for a bit.  Yeah, great, right?!

I went home instead and played violin for two hours (which was GLORIOUS because I am in fantastic violin shape right now and I feel like I’ve never been able to play better).  Friday night was a similar thing—after the concert I had originally made plans to go hang out with the girls, but I just couldn’t deal with the idea of all the people.  I went home and waited for Chris to get off work instead.  Lame, but…I guess it’s just something I’m dealing with.  I think the feeling that here, we are still struggling to put our careers together, and it’s such a disgusting horrific struggle…that I just don’t want to deal with people.  Or maybe I’m just depressed.  I’m not a psychiatrist, I can only attempt to self diagnose.

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That said.  Don’t start calling in the men with white jackets just yet.  I’m really good at faking it.  So I figured, you know what, I need to get my butt out there for a run.  I ran for 1.5 miles and it was just awful.  I wanted to puke for most of the run and stopped to walk a couple times too.  I had to run in the street to avoid the icy sidewalks and honestly, my running tights were a little snug.  But I did it.  My first run since that race in January that WENT SO WELL.  Because it DID. It was great, and then I got sick, and then I got sick again, and in the meantime I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

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And then I did feel a little better.  Maybe it’s feeling like I’m in control of a few things.  I can play violin, I can work out, I can lose those few pounds I’ve gained in the past weeks (at least) due to stress eating.  Sure, a lot of things are out of my control, but not everything.

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It’s funny then, you make one good decision, it’s easy to make a few more.  I made a healthy lunch, put together some chicken in the crockpot for dinner, and suddenly had a lot more energy.  Now I’m off to practice a bit before I teach.  I’m not saying I’m suddenly magically feeling amazing or even really that great, just that I’m not feeling like a big pile of you know what.  So there you have it.  Happy Monday!

Oh, and this is all pretty personal stuff.  Writing helps, so I hope you enjoy reading it!

2 thoughts on “Getting the gist of myself”

  1. So true about good decisions leading to more good decisions. Maybe you just need/needed some time to cocoon and process. Glad you’re feeling a little better. And hey, it’s your blog. You SHOULD be writing about the things that matter to you!
    Kate recently posted…Best. week. ever.My Profile

  2. I had to work really hard to figure out how to leave a comment in this template. Which goes to show you that I thought this one was really worth a note… I only manage to check in on your blog in fits and bursts, but I think it is great–and I really identify with the social anxiety piece, which comes in forms both electronic and real-time. Thanks for the reminder that it’s good to force yourself just a little outside the Blahs and see where it leads.
    mama-pan | mary frances recently posted…I knew I did this for a reason.My Profile

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