Random thoughts

Déjà vu all over again

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Well, things didn’t turn out in our favor today.  They could have been worse, but (seemingly as usual for the past decade) life will continue on a temporary part time basis.  Suffice it to say (for those of you not “in the know”) that being a musician is a tough job and auditions are the devil. 

What next?  We shall see.  Some things will become clearer over the next month, yet, there are a few auditions over the summer that could change everything.  I had hoped for more certainty in my life, but I suppose life is always uncertain anyway!  But how will this affect wedding plans?  Do we continue to wait to plan?  How can you plan a wedding without knowing where you will live?  How can you plan ANYTHING? 

What I do is, I pretend.  I pretend nothing changes.  I plan for the fall (and I do have plans) and you plan for things, and then plans change.  A few years ago some of my friends were overwhelmed by not knowing what would happen after college.  My advice was to look at the unknown as a grand adventure, something to be looked forward to rather than worried about.  Maybe I should take my own advice!

It was very hard to move to St Louis.  The decision was easy, I wanted to move with Chris and I was ready for a new adventure.  But it was hard.  I didn’t know people, I didn’t have any work.  I gradually met people, made friends, got job offers (though primarily in teaching rather than performing).  And now I am pretty happy with many aspects of my life.  But, do I really want to live here the rest of my life?  If we lived elsewhere, maybe I’d be able to perform more. 

I do enjoy teaching, but I prefer performing.  And ideally I would do both.  No offense to ANY of my students—it’s just that I never intended to be a full-time teacher.  I always want to be a teacher though.

And maybe we’ll end up here after all, but I’ll just consider this the grand adventure of life.  I have Chris (he has me!), I have my cat, and I have all my work experience to draw on.  I’ve led a fairly charmed life so far, why not presume that will continue on? 

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I think I’ll take this advice! 

Okay, less serious.  Last weekend remember the boot camp I did with Jen?  This is a picture off their facebook.

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Can you pick me out? 

Why couldn’t THAT have been the day of the Half?  Seriously.  It was the best weather ever for being active outside. 

Okay, I’m off to do other things today—I had to take off teaching for personal reasons.  I’ll be back and better than ever tomorrow.

Running

Go! St Louis Half Marathon Race Recap

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What a day!  I already recapped the expo here.

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The forecast was for 70 degree temps at 7 am going up to about 75 by noon.  On the hotter side, but not unbearable.  Or at least the last time I checked (the night before?)

Jen picked me up at 5:50 am and we headed downtown.  It was already warm. We parked in a lot a few blocks from the start for $3.  Then we headed towards the start, stopping at the porta potties.  There were plenty and they were NOT BAD.

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I debated putting in the second picture, but it’s fun too!  I’m not doing what it looks like, I’m stretching my calves.  Sorry it’s blurry.  You may already have gathered I am not a real photographer.

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Jen was stretching too!

I felt great!  I was pumped and ready to run some 11:30 or so miles.  Jen felt good too.  We got into corral D together and waited for the start.

 

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The view of the arch/our corral sign (technically I was supposed to be in E but we found the opening for D and it just seemed easier). You can just barely see the start line!

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We asked a lady to take this—for some reason she thought the first one wasn’t so good and we needed another.

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Ah!  That’s better.  Lost the crazy eyes.

It took about 15 minutes and then we were off.

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Passed this right at the start!

The first five miles were FANTASTIC!  We headed out towards Soulard.  It was fun when the route doubled back because we saw the leaders coming back already (and Mike not that far behind—he looked like he was doing well and far ahead of the “pack”)

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Okay, so that’s Mike—my trainer—not from this race though, but I’m very good at the internet so I found it (from the Lewis and Clark).  Now you can picture him!  Someday maybe I’ll take a picture of us together but I’m always, you know, sweaty and at the gym and stuff.  Plus then I wouldn’t get to use my awesome internet stalking skillZ, right?

Anyhow—like I said, I was feeling fantastic!  The first five miles were GOOD.  Right on track.  Then I started to get hot.  Now, yes, I do work out now, but I still don’t do well with the heat.

The next mile was awful.  We kept running (and I should say, I did have a bottle of water with me) but I was really struggling.  I wanted to stop and walk.  I did briefly around mile 6 and kept thinking I would feel better.  Usually that is what happens—I run, I have a rough patch, but I run through it or take a short walk break and then I feel great.  Not so.

I told Jen to go ahead.  She seemed to be doing well, so I didn’t want to hold her back.

I ran slower, and realized I was going to be hard-pressed to meet my goal.  I thought, that’s okay, that’s okay.  But then my mind went to some VERY dark places about my failures in life and how perhaps I weigh too much, or hadn’t trained enough, or always choke under pressure and here I was choking under pressure just like I do in all the orchestra auditions.  Then I started to worry this would affect Chris’s day tomorrow and decided that we were both failures at life…  Tough times!  I can be super emo when called upon.  Suffice it to say: Mile 7/8 SUCKED.  Then I thought, I really need to pull out the ipod or I just might commit suicide.  I actually considered calling Chris for inspiration, but figured he would just think I was weird!  (Also, didn’t want to bother him—originally I had hoped he would be able to come cheer me on for the race, but it turned out he had a rather important audition the following day.  Oh well.)

Then I ran into some women who used to train with Joe, and we chatted briefly.  They had schooled me in the Lewis and Clark, but here I was right near them!  We were both walking through a water station and one of them said I looked like I had lost more weight and that helped me feel better.  (Totally haven’t…but maybe I did in the first 6 miles of the race.)

Then I learned that they had shut down the marathon course to new runners (it turned off from our route around mile 9) due to the severe heat.  Evidently it was 85 degrees and many people were collapsing.  So…it wasn’t me.  I wasn’t a total failure in life.  I just wasn’t prepared for the heat!  Mentally that was huge.  It gave me enough energy to take a GU.

I started running again, and soon found myself on another road (forest park parkway) which was doubled back, and I saw Jen!  She looked good still.  I called out but she didn’t hear me.

I started cramping up, and I was still really overheated.  I kept dumping water on my head and back but that was only temporary.  We were on Forest Park Parkway nearing where it goes under Grand Blvd and I realized I was going to be sick.  I “pulled over” to the side and did a bit of…throwing up.  I tried to be quick because I was afraid if anybody saw me they would try to get me to stop or something.  Then I kept moving.  At that point, I thought…well, now I just need to finish.  If I finish that is all that I can do.

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My splits.  You can see the collapse…

I did run the last mile.  It was so hard.  I was afraid I was going to pass out.  I wanted to finish as strong as I could.  As I got near the end I kept looking for Jen, thinking maybe she would be nearby, but I didn’t see her.  People kept calling out my name (on my bib) and cheering me on—I am sure I looked AWFUL.  I don’t even really remember crossing the line.  I stopped running and started walking slowly and a medic came up to me and asked if I needed help.  I said I didn’t know but maybe.  He walked alongside me a bit and poured water down my back.  I got some water to drink and the medic said there were other medics if I decided I needed help.  I was really disoriented, but I didn’t see any others!  I think I likely DID need help, but they must have been really busy.  I couldn’t eat anything, I couldn’t focus, I just sort of wandered.

I did get a medal!

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I left the finish area and decided the best move was to head for the car.  I had my phone on me but Jen didn’t have hers so our backup plan was to meet at the car.

Where WAS the car though?  I was so upset!  I just started walking, trying to remember where we had parked, and finally found my way back.  I hoped I would see Jen there, but no.  Instead I sat down and started to sob.  This was seriously the hardest race I’ve ever done, and I had high hopes for it and instead ended up just barely making it.  And now I was just sitting by a car… It turned out that I probably walked right by Jen and didn’t notice—she too had had a really tough finish and was feeling really lousy (and continued to, poor thing!  We didn’t even get to go out for a celebratory lunch AND WEAR OUR MEDALS IN PUBLIC.) But she did great, finished her first half-marathon in about 2:36, a great time!  My time was 2:40:02 (8609th place). I think I could have met my goal IF the weather had been normal.  Or maybe I started too fast.  I don’t know…but I do know that I don’t have another long race till fall so I’ll have plenty of time to work on my speed.

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Total fail from the 6 mile to the 11 mile…

I texted Mike that “I may have thrown up a little on the course.”  He replied “It was very tough out there.  Congrats either way!”   (He finished in 1:29:06, 70th place overall)

Overall:  I’m just glad I finished.  I’m bummed I wasn’t able to do as well as I wanted, but I learned that 13.1 miles isn’t easy, and that every race can’t be a PR.  Oh well!  Oh, and I guess I do have a nervous stomach.

Cat, Random thoughts

Mahler success

I loved the concert last night!  You just can’t go wrong with Mahler.  We sat in the second to the last row for the best sound (you really get the reverb up there).  Overall I loved the concert…except for the fact that there was another piece programmed with the Mahler.  It was a lovely piece, I’m sure.  But Mahler 2 stands alone.

I also remembered I had most recently played Mahler 2 with the Columbus Symphony. 

Afterwards we headed to Franco for drinks and food (for some).  I finally was able to introduce myself to Tom, the owner who works out with a personal trainer at my gym, usually at the same time I am. 

Today I am heading to Illinois to play with some of my students on a concert for all the Lutheran schools in the area. It should be a good experience for them to play with a larger group, as our “orchestra” is very small.  Out west, some of my Child of God students are playing solos for a “solo and ensemble” type of festival today.  I wish them luck (and I know they are well prepared so I’m not worried.)

Speaking of well prepared, this is a busy weekend for me.  Tomorrow is the half marathon (for which I keep reminding myself I am well prepared) and Monday Chris has a little audition.  I have been working hard to keep the stress at bay…auditions are stressful no matter what…but particularly when you aren’t even the one taking the audition and are simply waiting.  No matter, it will all be settled by Monday evening and we will know where we stand.

  kitties!

In honor of “Caturday”……KITTTTTTTTTTTTIES!

Running

Race Expo!

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I convinced Chris to take a short practice break and head down to the race expo (for Sunday’s Go! St Louis Half Marathon) with me today.  It was at the Chaifetz Arena on Compton, just a few minutes from my house.  We lucked out and got street parking, saving the $5.

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It was very easy to get my bib—I had already memorized my race number (13325) so I just told them, showed my ID, and easy-peasy.  Then we went down the hall and entered the expo area.  It was on the floor of the arena.  I got my t shirt and a reusable shopping bag, and went searching for a free samples.  There were a few—lara bars, icy hot, rice, granola, 5 hour energy—but not as many as in Phoenix.  There were also several shop areas, but I had recently done some online shopping (got three pairs of running shorts today, actually, woo-hoo!) so I resisted any temptation.  (I prefer online shopping rather than dealing with people…surprise.) Good thing to know:  bring your boyfriend to collect extra lara bars and other samples!  Then he just gives them to you anyway.

We were in and out in about 30 to 40 minutes.  It was well run and not at all crowded (yet…) at 2:30 on Friday, but didn’t grab my attention that much.  Oh well!  I took a few pictures.

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My name on the race number, yay!

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Didn’t everybody get an adorable kitty cat?

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Very nice reusable shopping bag—I can use it for hauling around my doughnuts!

Before the expo today, I had a nice upper body workout with Mike.  My legs are resting in anticipation of my super fast running on Sunday…I really want to break 2:30…wish me luck!

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I should memorize this, I guess!  If I stare at it long enough, it’ll make those 11 minute miles easier…right?  RIGHT?

Hope, Performing

Springtime

This weekend the SLSO is playing Gustav Mahler’s Symphony no. 2.  I’ll be attending.  I wish I were playing.

I don’t remember the first time I heard Mahler 2, but I do remember the first time I played it.  It was at Brevard Music Center, summer of ‘96.  We played the symphony for the final summer concert.  I tend to get emotional when playing.  I believe I cried throughout much of the last movement.  I was hooked.

Let me clarify.  I, like most musicians, am an emotion junkie.  I love music for that reason.  The ups, the downs, these are all great.  I love a great big musical climax (no giggles).  This is why I love Mahler.  Mahler is filled with emotions.  Most of those emotions are dark…but after the sadness, why!, the brightness, the happiness, is tenfold.  Without the downs, we can’t appreciate the ups.  This is true for life, this is true for music.

I have learned over the years that I experience emotions more strongly than some people.  I have learned to block them to an extent, because otherwise I just might turn into a blubbering mass.  But I still love reading books that make me cry, watching movies that make me cry, and listening to music that makes me cry. 

The next time (to my recollection) that Mahler 2 made an appearance in my life was spring of my junior year of college.  My school orchestra was performing the piece in Severance Hall, home of the Cleveland Orchestra.  Not long before this, the Cleveland Orchestra performed Mahler 2.  Or did they play it at Blossom?  You know, my recollections are blurry.  I remember it was spring, because spring in Cleveland is a magical time after six to seven months of snow—the blooming, the warmth, the storms, the time spent outside.  I lived in a 4th floor walk-up with a fantastic balcony. 

I wasn’t originally placed in the Mahler orchestra though.  I was placed as concertmaster of the concurrent opera orchestra, for Dido and Aeneas.  This was supposed to be an honor, said our orchestral director.  Well, thank you, but I really wanted to play Mahler 2.  I made my case.  I stood my ground.  I stood tall, as I used to do so easily in those days…and he relented.  Yes.  I would be allowed to play in both.  Last chair second violin of course, but also concertmaster of the opera.  Luckily it was a short opera (1 hour).

My friend was principal oboe, if I recall.  And again, who knows, my recollections could be wrong, but this is my story.  This is my blog! I attended the Severance Hall performance with the Cleveland Orchestra.  The conductor forgot the 4th movement.  He conducted a giant downbeat…for the giant last movement, and the orchestra started..the soft opening of the 4th movement.  He shushed them and brought them to a halt.  IN the concert.  He started again.  The orchestra sounded the same both times. 

I was sitting with my roommate and good friend.  This was before we had a bit of a falling out, as was prone to happen to me in those days.  I suppose my fault, in retrospect, though at the time I didn’t think so.  It was probably always my fault.  I was hard on roommates in many ways.

I had an ongoing joke with the concertmaster of the Cleveland Orchestra at that time (who would ultimately be my teacher).  He had seen me leave concerts at intermission many times.  I would usher, see the first half, but often felt I had too much work to do to stay for the whole thing.  In Mahler 2, there is a long pause after the first movement.  He looked at me in the fourth or fifth row, and surreptitiously motioned with his bow that I should leave.  I was flabbergasted that he even noticed I was there! 

But back to my concert.  I don’t remember much.  I just remember we had a fantastic time playing Mahler 2 in Severance Hall.  It was my first performance there.  I so wanted to be a member of the Cleveland Orchestra and play there every week.  Spring in Cleveland made everyone feel alive!  I was so confident, so full of hope, so self-assured that everything would go my way and that I could do as I pleased.  So young.

I think the next time I played Mahler 2 was with the Youngstown Symphony.  That was an awful gig that I played for a couple of years.  The conductor took an intermission after the first movement rather than the five minute break Mahler asked for.  The concerts always lasted until 10:00 there.  This was no exception.

Next was with the Canton Symphony, and then with the Akron Symphony.  I have played Mahler 2 so many times!  But still, that performance in Severance Hall was most magical.  And my first one as well, at Brevard.  One constant is that there is a place in the last movement that I always cry. 

Will I cry listening to it this weekend as well?  I have been pushing the envelope recently emotion-wise, as this is an incredibly stressful time in my life (for Chris and I), and I’ve been blasting the soundtrack to Return of the King in my car when I drive…just to feel the ups and downs, and to avoid the news. 

I’m going to say yes, yes, I will cry.  I hope no one near me ruins the moment for me by slowing opening a candy or choking on their own spittle.  I want to feel the darkness of the symphony, and I want to feel the light.  I will feel angry that I am an observer rather than a participant as well, and I will embrace that. 

It’s springtime here in St. Louis after a long winter, and spring is a magical time.

thoughts about violin, teaching, running, life.