Self-doubt #reverb10

Prompt: Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

This is a tough one for me.  I don’t consider myself a writer.  I do some writing, I’ve been published (just a little), and I love blogging, but I really consider myself a teacher and a violinist.

That brings me right to the first answer.  What do I do each day that doesn’t contribute to my writing?  What I’m doing right now—telling myself I’m not a writer, telling myself I’m not good enough.  Self-doubt.  So I don’t write. 

Can I eliminate it?  Probably not entirely, but I can try. 

As a child I loved to write.  I also loved to play the violin. So I became a musician…and not just any musician, a SERIOUS, CLASSICAL musician.  And to be a good SERIOUS, CLASSICAL musician I was told to stop doing other things except practicing.  I was told that if I spent enough time practicing then I would be able to succeed and get a job in an orchestra, and then I would be happy. 

So I did that.  I practiced and “succeeded” and got a job in an orchestra.  And I HATED IT. So I left. 

Maybe the orchestra wasn’t good enough?  Maybe I needed to have gotten a better job in a better orchestra?  I kept trying, I kept practicing, I wanted that good job in a good orchestra that would bring personal satisfaction and happiness. But it never happened for me. I wasn’t good enough to get a job like that.

See the self-doubt?  There it is.  I wasn’t good enough to get a job like that. 

That’s a very negative way to look at MYSELF.  Not being good enough.  Not, for instance, saying, I didn’t work hard enough, or had a different personal style, or didn’t deal with performance anxiety very well.  Nope.  Wasn’t good enough.  And for awhile I felt that since I hadn’t achieved my goal, I didn’t deserve happiness.

The fact of the matter is, orchestral musicians are among the most unhappy people in the world (there have been studies, I will try to find a link later.) 

But it’s just a huge bundle of self-doubt that I need to get rid of (in particular, in order to make 2011 the year of HAPPINESS). 

Final thought:  I’m writing right now, even though I am hesitant to use the #reverb10 in the title as I know people will come and read this…and likely judge me NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  But I do it anyway.  Who cares what they think!  I want to share!

I want to write.

One thought on “Self-doubt #reverb10”

  1. Ohhh, I hear you! I thought I had to give up everything else I loved to become a SERIOUS, CLASSICAL musician, too. And when I finished school I I took exactly one audition and decided I was done. I almost quit playing entirely, I was so burned out. I’ve heard about those unhappy orchestral musicians. And even though I too, have struggled (still struggle) with self-doubt, it turns out I’m pretty happy with my life the way it is. I enjoy music so much more now that I’m doing other things, too.

    Keep putting your stuff out there!

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