Mondays. Mondays are a long day, and this semester has been particularly busy getting going. I did realize that this week means I’ll be about 1/4 of the way through the semester, which isn’t nothing. I also shouldn’t be counting down in that way, but I’m wondering if I need to make some small tweaks and changes in the future to make myself less crazy. I’m not sure what the answer is, because there isn’t anything in particular that I want to not do, it’s just that sometimes it all fits together to make a big mess of scarfing down a peanut butter sandwich while driving and having no time to properly practice.
I did get some good practice in over the weekend, and we also made some good progress on the bathroom remodel. I do think that the remodel has been causing more difficulties in my mental space than I am fully aware, and since I haven’t been teaching at home and have to commute, that adds about 20 minutes per day of extra work that will be gone soon as well. 20 minutes might not sound like much, but in the overall scheme of the week, it adds up. I don’t know.
I feel like I’m just treading water, just holding on right now. I’m happy about what I’m doing, I’m proud of what I’m doing too, but I just feel like I’m playing catch up on quite a lot of things. I am managing though, so it’s not so bad. My email inbox isn’t too behind, I’m mostly keeping up with my to-do list, and I’m mostly putting forth what my students need from me.
We bought plane tickets to New York City for spring break. I’m excited! There are lots of people to visit there as well as lots of sightseeing to be done. Hopefully the weather will be lovely that week as well (I’m sure that’s a less likely event).
I’m finding that playing viola is quite fun and a neat new challenge. You might ask, why are you adding a new instrument when you are so busy and overworked, and the answer is, well, I already agreed to a gig when I was less busy, so I have to “get good” at it. I find myself grappling with weird emotions involving the viola, since my ex was a violist, but my sister Carrie is a violist too, and she’s a delightful person who didn’t spend years making me feel bad about myself. (We’ll just say that while I have moved on, and I am mostly happy with my life, and really glad and thankful for Louie and my current friends, it hasn’t been as easy path, and it’s been difficult to navigate being in the same field, and I suppose I have been hiding from some things!)
But I won’t dwell on things, nor try to make problems. I think everybody who leaves a relationship has their own thoughts on what went wrong, and how to improve, and I’ll tell you: there are times when I think that Louie got really lucky meeting me, and many many other times when I think that I got really lucky meeting him, and many times where we ask ourselves what are we even doing. I know that I bring what I learned into this relationship, and there are many times a day that I am thankful for Louie’s generosity, and grateful for his support, and glad that I’m with somebody who understands why I do what I do, because my career is important to me.
I know I treat my blog more like a journal than a money making opportunity (one of my many failures), and perhaps I shouldn’t overshare, but I also really enjoy putting my thoughts out there. So I’m torn and conflicted, and I am inconsistent. Flawed even, much like Hillary Clinton