I played for the SLSO this afternoon. I was (most likely) more prepared than ever before for an audition, but still, things went wrong during it…enough (I suppose) that naturally I didn’t advance. Story of my life. Just fyi, the next person I meet who asks if I play with the symphony (this happens on at least a weekly basis) might get killed with my bare hands. Or at least set on fire from a distance. (I’m totally kidding…)

The good thing that comes from auditions is that you get to see friends who come in from out of town. I’m looking forward to dinner with an old friend who is a violinist with the (potentially now-defunct) Charleston Symphony.

The bad thing about auditions, or perhaps it’s just St. Louis in general, is that again I feel like a complete failure. It’s really obnoxious, how this city keeps doing that to me. In Cleveland, I was surrounded by the most obnoxious, snottiest musicians,some of whom actually WERE often far better players than me and I felt fine. Here–constant failure. Maybe it’s that I feel like I don’t know the game here yet, and the goalposts aren’t set–they are different for different people, and it doesn’t seem to matter what I do, how I play, or who I know, I still get the shaft. Maybe I just miss playing in orchestra. It was one of the things I loved most in the world, and the whole reason I went into music as a career.

At least I have my students, right? The positive, shining light here–I have TWO different recitals in the next month to prepare them for (well, only one recital for each student). I am hoping for great success from all of them, and I know they will fantastic if they work hard and keep practicing.