Long time blog readers know that I am a stressed out bundle of nerves sometimes and other times I feel really great about myself. Often it’s one wrapped in the other. Occasionally it’s wrapped in bacon. Or prosciutto.
For instance, I feel like I’m a pretty great violin teacher. Except when I’m worried that I’m too easy on my students, or too hard on them, or when I’m worried that my house is a mess and all the parents are looking down on me for that, or that everybody has noticed that I gained and lost a large amount of weight over the past few years…or that my pets are too hairy, or maybe the place smells funny, or that each student is judging the one beforehand and finding them (and therefore me) lacking.
Violin playing is another thing. Some days I feel fantastic, like I can play anything. Other days I feel utterly terrible about my playing, and feel like a giant loser compared to all of the truly successful people I went to college with. Today I feel out of shape so at least I have a valid excuse, but generally I feel like I don’t work hard enough and that I am not good enough. Except when I feel like I sound pretty darn good and that thing come entirely too easy for me. It’s a toss up. A lot of the time I remind myself that I’ve made sacrifices in my career for my ex, and those were my choices at the time. And honestly, I love many of the musical activities I’m doing now, and I wouldn’t be here without a series of choices. I shouldn’t judge my own career based on how much money I make or someone’s narrow-minded view of what a musician does.
Or being a friend. I often feel like a terrible friend. I talk too much about myself and don’t ask enough questions. Or I don’t participate in the conversations enough. Or I’m not around enough or ask people to do stuff because I’m too busy…then again, they could ask me…then again how many friends does a girl need? I “lost” a lot of “friends” in my divorce, but then again, I’m using the quotes because obviously those people weren’t my real friends anyway. (I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it still burns occasionally). Divorce is hard. Harder still is having to make all new friends. I’m sometimes surprised I’m still standing!
I probably sound a little sad or something, but honestly, I just felt like I hadn’t poured much truthiness into my blog lately, so I’m writing about something that occurred to me after I finished teaching today. So I thought I’d give you a nice dose of feelings so we can bond.
PSA: Check your dryer for cats before starting it.
