It depends on who you talk to: some of us say, no, nothing has changed. Others say, time to go out to eat!

I’m sometimes struck by how different my life apparently is than others, because one of the first comments on a Facebook news article was about what a wonderful job Cracker Barrel had done with dining in and I thought, you went to Cracker Barrel right away? Hey, if you love Cracker Barrel, don’t let me get you down, I do like those dumplings and the fun table games, and Louie and I eat there while traveling sometimes…but really, after two months of quarantine that’s what you craved? That’s what you just couldn’t wait to get out of the house for? Here I am, missing eating at various locally owned and operated, often family run restaurants with reasonably low prices and great food very different than what I cook at home…and others are like, yay, Cracker Barrel is back! I suppose I am a snob, but based on the number of small, locally owned and operated, often family run restaurants within a ten minute drive of my house, I’m not the only “snob” who is preferring to go to those restaurants rather than some national chain.

It’s grocery shopping day, so I’ll be doing that soon. We are out of milk, for starters, and I have a meal plan for the next two weeks. This is how I operate now…I spend days coming up with a meal plan, making sure everything I want to make is on the list, because I don’t want to go back. I don’t see how that has changed recently…I’ve talked with some of my students and every family has different comfort levels. Some have returned to church already. For others, they are visiting with a small group of friends and family. Others are staying at home and only going out for necessities as before. It feels quite a bit like early March to me, before the government said or did anything, but we all saw the writing on the wall…so far my family has been lucky enough to weather this storm and I hope we continue to.

I had a fun live performance of solo Bach on Monday. I am taking this coming Monday off from live concerts, ostensibly because of Memorial Day, although it’s not like there is anything different about Memorial Day. Holidays seem somewhat meaningless. Back in March it seemed unfathomable that I’d celebrate my birthday (June 7) at home, but it’s looking highly likely. Things are changing a bit…I have a doctor’s appointment in June (annual checkup) and I need to make a few more appointments like that. I suppose it’s time? What are other people doing about this sort of thing? Why does absolutely everything in my mind come back to the quarantine, no topic untouched or life subject unchanged by it?

I had a short conversation yesterday with a student who wondered if he would be allowed to visit his family in other countries any time soon? He hypothesized it might be up to 5 years from now. I found that more upsetting than not getting a haircut, though I know some would beg to differ.

I had a zoom recital for my private students on Sunday. It went really well, and was actually really quite fun. I am always impressed by my students at recital time. I think it’s because in their lessons I am always focused on how they can improve, and in the recital I just sit back and listen. It often feels like my studio is a bunch of lovable misfits who do their best but don’t have the discipline and drive that my colleagues’ students seem to have, but I wonder if that’s actually true, or if I’m just more laidback about things. I’m not actually a very laidback person, but I am laidback with my students. (I suppose some might argue, especially the one who got mad at me for making her put her music on the left side of her phone last week so I could see her playing and then lectured her on how yes, she really should own a music stand). But it was great to see everybody in one place, to see them perform, and to have a bunch of grandparents and other people watching. I guess it likely won’t even be the only zoom recital we have…though one can hope.

I don’t have pictures to share today. I haven’t been taking as many lately because nothing changes. The cats remain cute but often just sit on top of the tower which is the same picture I’ve taken before. Otherwise they race around the house in a blur. I make food. I make pickled vegetables. I make jam. I teach violin. I read. I watch tv. I work out. That’s what I do. I remember there were days I left the house to play concerts, to attend events, to go out to eat with friends…and truthfully, it doesn’t help that the weather has been gloomy and it rained a ton last weekend. We are actually thinking of doing a longer hike this weekend, weather permitting. I think that will help my mental mood!

Anyway, time to get dressed up (ha) and hit the grocery store. Planning to get lots of good things. And yes, I’ll be wearing a mask.

It seems like it’s always Friday. The weeks just go by, and then it’s Friday and it doesn’t matter.

I woke up too early this morning. A storm came through and then I couldn’t get back to sleep. I feel like I have too much sinus pressure on my head and it hurts just enough that I couldn’t sleep. So instead I finally got up and had breakfast, and now I’m blogging.

I got a new computer the other day, as an early birthday gift, actually. My old laptop was getting slower and slower, and one of the hinges was broken. My new computer is great, except now I’m using a new blogging program, which has the tiniest text ever and I can’t read it! I did find if I zoomed in I could make the screen bigger, so we’ll see if this publishes the way it should.

I feel like everything in our country is terrible right now and that’s just how it will be forever because enough of my fellow countrymen are apparently absolutely fine with this. I just stay at home, do nothing, work from home, get asked to play shows and concerts in the fall that we all know aren’t actually going to happen, but by all means, let’s get our haircut and open the restaurants back up. Where’s my freedom? Where’s my ability to earn a living by playing live music like I’ve been doing my whole life? How about instead of making people go back to work making cars we help them afford to not do that, so more people don’t die? It is outrageous to me how the government has handled this pandemic and how, for the most part, we all just spent two months at home for absolutely no good reason if we are just expected to return to life as before. It won’t be like before, because most of us still aren’t planning to go anywhere, but plenty of people have no choice, because they need the money.

This isn’t very eloquent, or well written, but it’s thoughts like that that get me up in the morning. I try to focus on the positive, but some days, there just isn’t much. Yesterday I got called to play a show in the fall at the Fox Theater, which is one of the things that I love doing. It’s fun, it requires a high level of concentration, and it pays well. And most likely it’ll get canceled. I don’t know how much longer my students will want to keep taking online lessons and I don’t know if they will start pressuring me to teach in person again. I’m certainly not comfortable at this point having them come into my house. If I can’t visit my family, how can I have people come to my house for violin lessons? It’s absolutely ludicrous to think of it. It’s also ludicrous to think that opening businesses is something that should happen before people can visit their friends and family.

I know many people haven’t taken the lockdown as seriously. I know some people continue to socialize, and see friends and family. I know people don’t think they need to wear masks, and that they aren’t at risk and therefore none of this applies to them. I’m lucky that my boyfriend’s employer has been taking the pandemic seriously from the get-go and therefore he has been able to work from home and will continue to do so until his employer thinks it is safe to do otherwise, and that is truly what will help make our decisions. They don’t think it’s safe to go eat in restaurants or see friends and family. They don’t even think it’s safe to go to the office if there are other people around yet.

I don’t know. I’m just tired. I need a vacation. I need to play music with other people. I need to do something other than play violin at a screen. What’s the point of a weekend if you can’t go to a concert or a show, if you can’t go out for a nice relaxing dinner with your friends, if you can’t go to a movie? I miss my old life, where things were hectic and overscheduled, but I was full of LIFE and experiences and getting paid to play the violin. I got to see friends and colleagues, I got to make plans and visit family (all my family is out of town)…there is nothing to look forward to anymore except finishing teaching for the day and watching tv.

I know I’m mostly just ranting, but ughhhhh I don’t know how much more I can take. And yet, I will, because I don’t see that “opening up” is the safe thing to do. So I will persevere, and I will hopefully sleep better tonight than I did last night.

Have we been staying at home for months? Years? The weeks blend together. I always know what day it is but not necessarily what month. My students are sometimes shocked that it’s May, and so am I. The cooler weather certainly doesn’t help!

The other evening I finished teaching and it was still light out. I thought to myself, weird that’s so light after 8 when it’s fall. Then I remembered it was late spring.

Usually this time of year is fun and festive. College classes are done and grades are in. The weather is getting warmer and friends are having backyard gatherings. Restaurants have their patios open. We are often looking forward to seeing family from out of town and looking forward to traveling after having worked for months straight.

I have been somewhat enjoying my weekends, but I will be happy to trade it all back. Weekends just make life blend together. I would rather work a month straight and then have a week off to do something really fun, instead of just puttering around the house for two days. Then again, this is hardly a true representation of what people do on their weekends, I suppose.

I’ve been doing my weekly live concerts on Mondays. I might take off for Memorial Day, but it is pushing me to keep practicing, which is good for me. It is too easy to get complacent and lazy! (I know people say this is the time to be lazy, but I’m getting enough of that as well. Life is to be lived.) I’ve had fun learning some new pieces and pushing myself to do something that is pretty scary! Check it out if you have a few minutes.

This week I dedicated my concert to my friend April and her dog Olive. Olive passed away a few days ago, and was the sweetest dog. I’m so glad we got to visit them shortly before the pandemic (really it was right as it began) and I’m so sorry for April to have lost Olive.

Olive had a great life, and was well loved, and she was a real sweetie. We used to dog sit for her when April lived here and when we had Mackenzie. Olive was so small in comparison to Mackenzie but held her own. In fact she was a little aggressive, particularly in regards to this one toy that was a stuffed pumpkin with a squeaker in it. Mackenzie was a reasonable dog though, and realized that Olive was a bit insane and smartly left her alone and let her have the toy!

My niece was visiting us a few years ago and was walking around with a small bit of granola bar in her hand. This made her very popular. You can see Mackenzie was also keeping an eye on Olive in addition to hoping Athena would drop her snack.

RIP Olive.

Pets really are the best.

It’s hard to believe Miles has been back with us for almost two months! It’s even harder to believe he was missing for almost a year and came back. In fact, pretty much everything over the past few months has been unbelievable, so then again…

It’s been a minute since I blogged, and honestly, it doesn’t feel like it. I feel like time is suspended and none of this is real. Nothing changes from day to day, be it in our government (still no plan, no reason to think that all our social distancing will pay off in any distinct way and that we aren’t simply postponing a time with millions of deaths) or in life. I teach. I work out. I go for walks with Louie. We cook, we read, we watch tv. We order takeout on Friday nights, and on weekends I don’t bother doing my hair or makeup or putting on real clothes. And that’s it.

I started doing a weekly livestream on Facebook. Mondays at 12:30 pm Central. This week I had a weird color problem, but went ahead with it. Last week I didn’t have issues with the color…I swear I did nothing different! Help? (and why do I mess with my hair so much, haha? Each week is a learning experience.)

I am still planning a camping vacation at the end of July to Yellowstone and such. I’m still assuming it actually won’t happen (or won’t be safe) but you just never know. I do love planning trips, and it’s a fun hobby. Louie and I do love road trips, and we love Yellowstone and bison, and wouldn’t it be fun to get away? I suppose it’s possible, isn’t it? Camping and hiking don’t require huge amounts of interaction…but I won’t be sad or disappointed if things fall through, because at this point, that is all we know. We are all used to disappointment and constant feelings of disorientation and sadness. We adapt though, and move forward, and maybe that’s why I was yellow (or green, depending on what you see) in my livestream today…that’s just how I look now.

I’m not going to pretend there are lessons that we have learned during this. I think mostly the bad outweighs any good, and any good we find is simply because one cannot be negative all the time and we must, it is human, to come up with ways to cope and be positive. It is no good wallowing in despair. But we are all on the edge of desperation, waiting for something to change, someone in charge to do something good, waiting for live as we know it start having some semblance of normalcy. And so we wait.

That’s why I’m trying to make music still. I know some musician aren’t feeling up to it, or are too busy with other things. I am always busy, of course, but I don’t want to go 3 months,  6 months, more without practicing and having a reason. It’s been fun preparing for videos and livestreams, and while I am just using my iPhone to create this stuff, it’s fun, it gives me a goal and a sense of accomplishment, I could use the extra cash, and I feel good about it. Though quarantine isn’t about winning or losing, I do want to feel that I continued to make the most of myself, and while it’s absolutely okay that you are relaxing, or struggling, or just barely getting by and you don’t need to do a damned thing, I want to make music for me and I want to make music for you. I am worried if I sit around and don’t perform for six months I will never want to perform again, so I am sticking with it. That’s me.

I taught a student today for the last time, and another last Friday. Both are college students I’ve taught since I started my college jobs, and both are graduating and I’m so proud of them and how much they’ve grown, but I’m sad. I’m sad that we had to finish our semester online, and I’m sad that I won’t get to see them again, and I’m sad that this is happening to everybody.

We are starting to get a storm. I love spring storms though I hope it passes through before my next video lesson…I’m really enjoying teaching these days, for what it’s worth. And the rain will be great for my garden. Positive thoughts, right?

We’ve been getting takeout every other week from our favorite Mexican Restaurant. It’s been good and a semblance of normalcy. There isn’t a lot of mask wearing there and it’s not as careful as we might like, but we wear masks and use a lot of sanitizer, and hope for the best. So far we’ve been fine. I think that honestly in April, I went places 4 times, and took some neighborhood walks. So that’s not much.

How are you doing? Do you feel like I do: sometimes good, other times bad, with not much in between and changing rather quickly, or am I starting to crack up?

Check out my Facebook page if you are interested. It’ll only be about 15 minutes. I’m playing just a few selections during my lunch hour. I am just me, no partner who plays music (though Louie does possess some guitars and is probably better at the ukulele than I am), so it’s just violin. It’ll be fun though, I hope, or perhaps take you away from your day to day for a few minutes. (As always, tips appreciated! And you’d think it would be free to put these things on, but there is some licensing involved for a few pieces I’m planning, plus, there’s me, I deserve to be paid )

My lunch hour becomes much longer after next week-it’s the last week of college teaching. Then I’m just doing my private students…nothing else until concerts and events start up again. I’m hoping my students are enjoying their online lessons enough. I’m planning a recital next month (online) and will just keep at it online until we can have in person lessons again. I have literally no idea when that will be…it will be quite sometime before I am comfortable having a parade of people coming into my house.

(Remember, I am accepting new online students!)

It probably won’t happen, but I’m planning a hypothetical summer vacation back to Yellowstone. We decided that would be great, to get out, camp, see some bison. I’m not expecting that it will happen, but we do have (refundable) camping reservations. Haha! I’d also really like to visit my sister and her family in Chautauqua this summer—they spend their summers there for a job and just bought a house, and we were planning to visit them. They are still hoping to go to and we are still hoping to visit, but only if it’s safe.

Today is a rainy day. I’ve done laundry, worked out, made burritos to freeze for later, made granola, attended a zoom birthday party, watched a facebook livestream concert, and practiced. Somehow it’s almost time to start cooking dinner and I don’t even remember how life functioned {before}. We wait until evening to have a drink, and I don’t wear real clothes anymore.

Tomorrow might be nicer. It’s possible a squirrel has eaten all the seeds from my garden, so my hope is to plant more seeds and maybe do another plot (it’s partly ready). It might be too wet for that but we’ll see.

How is it the date is it? Time is so slow…yet so fast. How long do we go on like this, and yet, how do we NOT go on like this?

I definitely feel like my life has gotten smaller. I am happy to watch things online, and Louie and I have enjoyed especially watching my sisters and brother-in-law play various concerts and stuff online too. But we are just here all the time, no events to attend, no colleagues to have random conversations with, few people we observe to tell somebody about later. No musicians to play WITH, no audience to play for. Just here. In my house, listening to the front storm door rattle against the wind. It feels busy here though, with two cats, plenty to do…so much media to interact with, but yet it’s a different kind of busy. There’s nowhere to go, did I mention that?

People ask each other, what do you miss most? I mean, I don’t even know. Everything. Being able to just go and do things, to run an errand, to go to work, to say, sure, see you tomorrow night, or sure, can’t wait for you to come visit in June! It’s the big things, like planning holidays and visiting friends and family. It’s the small things, like going for a run without worrying about how busy the sidewalks will be, or going to the store for milk only, or getting a hair cut. What will I do first when the world reopens? Nothing really…there isn’t going to be a reopen date. Gradually things will become more open, and we’ll venture out more…maybe this summer there even will be travel, with mask and sanitizer, who knows, maybe?! and then things will again flare up and we still won’t reliably be able to find toilet paper in the store and the pasta selection will be limited and we’ll be told, there are no shortages. I miss being able to go the store (I call the grocery store the store) and buy everything on the list, and if there isn’t something on the list, to just go on over to another store and have a huge change of finding it there, and not worrying about whether you are going to be getting or spreading a horrible virus to everybody around you.

But yet, we tell our friends, no, things are fine. Because in a way, yes, there are. If you have your health, if you are safe, if you are lucky enough to still be making some money, well, there are others who are not okay, and that is not me. I am okay enough. I am scrappy, I am used to working from home, and I am used to working hard. And I’m lucky that I have an amazing quarantine partner and we enjoy enough of the same TV shows to get along, and we have been having a decent time hanging out together every evening and cooking a lot of meals together. He is (as always) crazy busy with work and with his doctoral degree research so nobody here is bored. There may be occasional twinges of boredom, but there are too many books to read to actually be bored…I always say that adults can’t be bored, only children, and I am sticking with that even if it’s unpopular It’s also overwhelming at times, and while oddly, no I haven’t even really cried, that’s partly because this sort of thing is what anxious people like me thrive on. I am in my element with this. I am still worrying a lot, of course, but THIS is worth worrying about and therefore, I am handling it all pretty well.

So yeah. Check out my livestream on Monday if you can (and it’ll be up afterwards for later watching) and how are you? Are you hanging in there? Do you need anything that I can help with?