All posts by hannahviolin

I am a violinist. I also enjoy running, working out, reading, and hanging with my friends and cat.
Deep Thoughts

False Winter

At least fall weather is back…the winter weather we had the other week was a false alarm, or simply foreboding, or something. I know, it’ll be back, but today I enjoyed a 3 mile run in 50 degree weather and I’ll take it! Louie and I are doing the Hot Chocolate 5k this weekend, and while I’m regretting this decision due to being sooo busy, it’s fine. I’m used to being busy, and it’ll be fun! I’m mostly stressing over packet pickup and parking at the event, and getting up so early to run. You know, the usual.

I feel like I keep going through the same patterns in my life, feeling overwhelmed, then taking time to relax, then feeling like everybody except me is doing more interesting things in their lives or work (especially work, I must admit, since as a musician and even approaching middle age I still have so much of my self-worth tied up into my worth as a violinist!). I feel like everything comes harder to me than other people, and even though I know that isn’t true, it still pulls on me. Lately I’ve been missing playing chamber music and solo stuff, and trying to figure out how to make more of that happen…the quartet is getting together for a few concerts in the spring, but I’m not overwhelmingly excited about the repertoire and yet, I’m just tired of trying to do so much. This is the hard part of being outside of an organization. Those in orchestras constantly complain about their work schedule, how they don’t have control over their musical life, etc, but gosh sometimes it’s nice to play a gig or concert where I just have to show up! It doesn’t happen often.

But eh, it’s all good. There are cycles of life, and mostly things are okay.

Funny story: I got home from a rehearsal the other night and as I was parking, I saw a chicken cross the road. Why? I don’t know. My neighbors a few doors down have chickens though, so I assumed it was one of theirs, so I parked and ran after it, knocking on their door along the way, but they didn’t seem to be home. I don’t know exactly what I thought I would do, but I did this once before and managed to chase the chicken back towards her home, so that was kind of my thought. Or maybe pick it up? In any case the chicken was definitely a bit scared of me and kept running further away, and weaving through a cast iron fence, in the yard of an apartment complex on the corner. I was running around the yard, dodging the fence, bushes, etc, and finally the chicken seemed to be pretty settled into a bush, hiding from me, and I thought, what am I doing? So I wished it good night and headed home, hoping it would be okay. I did see on Next Door (the armpit website of society, but I keep it in case Miles ever shows up) that somebody caught the chicken and took it home with them, and I responded with the information I had, so hopefully there will be or has been a happy homecoming.

I had to do a similar thing with Muriel today, as she snuck out the front door when I was bringing in groceries. This happens occasionally, and I am used to trying to thwart her, but this time she got by and ended up going further than ever, which was super stressful for me…she was in my neighbor’s front yard nibbling on some bushes and trying to stay out of my reach. I felt like a crazy person, and wondered how much of the rest of my life will be spend simply running after pets/animals who don’t want to get caught?

The impeachment trials continue. It seems ludicrous that this is somehow partisan… I know that no matter what happens, it won’t matter, and probably because something to do with Hillary Clinton’s emails. So therefore we must ignore all science telling us that manmade climate change is real and such, because of white supremacy. I think I summed it up, and if you are reading this and disagree, I don’t really care. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of hearing about people dying or avoiding the doctor for months and months because they don’t have proper health care. I think we the people can and should do better, and instead, we have people running the country who are in it for their own profits, and don’t think laws apply to them at all, and I’m just over it. I know that the “other side” will argue it’s always been happening, but I think that’s disingenuous, and even if true, (perhaps to some extent, sure, politicians are often dirty, but many of them do end up in jail when they are) why not try to break the cycle?

I can’t imagine another year of hearing about presidential races. I feel like we are all in a bad dream.

I made brownies today, with frozen cranberries from last December. I’m going to go try one now. I didn’t make them for any particular reason…I thought it would be good to use up the cranberries and the brownie mix to free up room in the freezer and shelves, so that’s a good enough reason. I have 6 students today, easy day. I’m looking forward to a fun student recital this weekend, after a long few days of work, and then I’m really looking forward to three days off over Thanksgiving! Hopefully the weather will hold up and we can get some outdoor time.

Random thoughts

Random Thoughts on Life

I tell you what, if anybody tells you they want to be a musician or self-employed, ask them if they like working all the time. There’s probably another way, but I haven’t found it.

Thursday and Friday of this week were tough. I felt like I was teaching from the wee hours of the morning (8:45 am) until late at night (8:30 am). Well, I was, actually, on Thursday. And Friday wasn’t much better. I had some time off, an hour here, an hour there, lunch, but it was still exhausting. I keep thinking I’d like to try to do a solo recital in the next year and then I wonder, can I manage with my current teaching load without being crazy? (I have been on a more relaxed performing schedule this year, but I would like to do a bit more and push myself in the next year or two or I’m worried I’ll lose my edge.)

I just want to get ready for Christmas and bake stuff, but it’s still too soon, I think. I never get around to all the organizing and decluttering I want to either…my music library is still not done being organized and I think it’s been over a year (or more?) since I started. The truth is I have too much music for the shelves, so I need either more shelves, or less books, and neither of those things are terribly appealing, so I just sit in limbo. We have to get rid of a few more things in the lower level of the house too, large speakers and old files, and who knows what, but that is also a daunting task, and not one one wants to tackle after a long day of work. We do have to make space for Christmas time though, and all the guests we are having, but that’s on the docket to work on during the Thanksgiving break.

I had taken a break from my bullet journaling but started up the other day. I had been using it to work on growing my business and my life, and then this year I just got tired and relaxed, and while it’s actually been quite nice, I’ve started feeling restless, like others are doing things and I look at them and wish that were me. So I’ve been thinking about my next steps and brainstorming. Of course, I’m also still tired…perhaps not as much long term as simply right now. Then again, sometimes I dream of having a few weekends off in a row, or taking a summer off, or having a week of vacation but not spending it hiking and camping…and I don’t know. Am I doing life right or am I wasting it away trying to force small children to play the violin when we’d all rather be doing something else? Then again, I’ve got a studio recital next weekend and they are always fun and inspiring!

It’s not that I’m feeling particularly down or anything. I’m just pondering. I feel like this is a tough time of life for doing things other than working or hanging out with Louie…everybody else is busy with their own careers, partners, children, etc, and sometimes it starts to feel a bit lonely, I guess. Private teaching can be isolating, and since my quartet is on whatever sort of hiatus we are on, I no longer have that weekly interaction. I see other people still doing things with friends and playing chamber music and such and I get a little jealous. But I will remind myself of the cool stuff I’m doing, and just relax and enjoy myself in this time of life.

I don’t even have any good cat pictures to share with you today. How lame am I?

Cat, Random thoughts

Winter is Here

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We had our first snowstorm of the year. It coincided with my weekly trip to St Charles to teach, so that meant my drive home afterwards was long and harrowing since the Missouri Department of Transportation has no idea how to deal with snow and ice. Once I got back on St Louis City streets, they were completely clear, which meant that the whole trip could have been easy and pleasant, but no, there’s just no way, evidently. I’m only a little annoyed that my 45 minute commute turned into 1 hour 45, and that I almost missed a student. I lose money on snow days, which I don’t mind once or twice as it’s nice to get a surprise holiday, BUT if it’s going to happen a lot, then I need somebody to figure out the road situation.

But otherwise, the week is going quite well. My home students are getting ready for a recital next weekend, my college students are looking forward to the end of the semester and are therefore completely swamped with work (which they often use as an excuse for not practicing, as if I will appreciate that they care less about my class than the others). Louie and I finally finished watching The Handmaid’s Tale (I may have mentioned that already) and started Outlander the other night. I’ve read all the Outlander books and so I’m hoping Louie likes the show well enough. We put on English subtitles as the Scottish accents are pretty heavy and that helps a lot!

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Oh, and I finished my Thanksgiving cross-stitch project! I wasn’t sure if I would, but then I had a lot of free hours when students canceled so I got some more stitching in, and once I was close, it seemed to go by quicker.

I got to see my friend April over the weekend—she and her boyfriend were in town for a wedding. We had a nice brunch together and caught up a teeny bit…it’s never enough time! I regret that I haven’t had time to take a weekend and go visit her recently. I’ll have to work on that. (I do work too hard). The rest of the weekend was weddings and opera…this weekend is a wedding, rehearsal and concert for a small orchestra concert, and some makeup lessons. It’s a busy time of year for musicians—not even counting the upcoming holiday gigs and concerts, there are tons of regular concerts and then rescheduling lessons here and there.

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I’ve been using cross-stitch kits I’ve ordered on Etsy. I wanted to get a handle on how to do things before trying to put stuff together myself (i.e. just use a pattern and get my own cloth and string organized). I have a couple of Christmas themed ones to do next,  and I also ordered two really cool ones from the place I got the turkey to work on afterwards: one with a scene from Yellowstone National Park, and one from Glacier NP, which is just kind of crazy. I’m not entirely sure what I’ll do with all these things afterwards, but the truth is that I’ve been a bit happier this semester with my crafting, so I’ll keep at it.

The ice on the roads has stymied my runs this week. I don’t currently belong to a gym, so there’s no indoor running option…there are indoor workout options of course, but I can’t run around the house. I hope after today gets into the 40’s the sidewalks will be better, so I think I’ll make up today’s planned run on Friday morning. Louie and I are running another 5K two weekends from now…hopefully it isn’t icy then. I know running regularly has also been helping my happiness, along with allowing myself time to read. I remind myself that I’m living my life, right now, and I should do the things I enjoy Smile

Random thoughts

November Blahs

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It’s too soon to be overly excited for Christmas, isn’t it? I’m hosting my family this year and I’ve been doing the planning…I am trying to figure out what to cook/bake and YES I know it’s quite awhile away, the time will really fly. I have never regretted planning ahead.

I thought I’d pop in a write something more fun and lighthearted than yesterday’s diatribe. I think as I’ve gotten older I’m more serious (or boring, as my niece Athena would say) and I end up not sounding very fun on the blog. Maybe, at some point, I stopped being fun?

I’m sure that’s not entirely true. It’s also possible that I was never that fun, and I just faked it better. I am perhaps a more genuine person now. I do work too much, but so do we all, or at least, the other people that are at work with me do (last night..at work… I had a conversation with a few others colleagues about how we all work too much…yet, we take great pride in it, and look down on musicians who think working a few hours a day is hard). I don’t know: you hear all these things about how one shouldn’t be too busy or pride oneself on being busy, and that’s all fine and good, but as I repeatedly say, somebody has to do the work, and a lot of this stuff doesn’t pay that great, and I would personally rather work a little more (it takes time, but rarely is this back-breaking work) and do a few more things I enjoy and not stress over bills.

Speaking of bills, I didn’t get my monthly paycheck from one of my college jobs. I usually get paid at the end of the month, and I went to look online to see why I hadn’t gotten a direct deposit notification from my bank, and lo and behold, nothing. Well it turns out somebody made a mistake, and then they asked, are you okay just waiting until the end of this month to get the back pay or should I ask for a special check for you? I realized, nah, I can wait. That’s a good feeling, and to me, money represents security. Working a lot means security, and it also means self-worth. When I work, I feel good about my skills as a musician and teacher, and that makes me feel good about myself overall. It may not be how you operate, but my identity as a musician is so wrapped up in my personal identity, and the two are hard to separate.

It’s not that I don’t have a bunch of other things that I do. In fact, I find that the more I work, the more I am drawn to do more things. I have a bunch of hobbies, nothing crazy like rock-climbing (apparently all the 20 to 30 year olds are into rock-climbing these days), but when I list the things out, there are a lot. I had to write something the other day and I listed reading, cross-stitch, running, hiking, going to concerts, and baking. I should add also taking on volunteer positions with music associations, writing music reviews, almost organizing my music, playing with a very needy cat, writing this blog, decluttering (not a hobby exactly, but an ongoing project when you and especially your boyfriend have hoarding tendencies), and of course, practicing violin. Since writing the other week about how I hadn’t been practicing, I’ve been doing a little better. Etudes are often my go-to when I don’t feel like doing anything else. I think my love of practicing etudes really helps my sightreading!

Anyway, I’ve got some things to do other than be at the computer, so I’d better go. I’ll just leave you with a few cat pictures! Oh, and we finished the Handmaid’s Tale. I felt that seasons two and three were a bit more…well, season three seemed improbable. I don’t want to spoil anything for you. It was good, but seemed like, okay why and how is June still alive? Glad we watched it though!

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Practicing

No one likes to do the work

I have many students that hate practicing. Some do it anyway and others don’t. I have a few that enjoy practicing, and do it more because of that. To be honest, there isn’t a huge level of different in playing between those that enjoy practice and do it, and those that don’t enjoy it but do it anyway, but the ones that don’t practice much aren’t as good at playing the violin.

It really takes a daily commitment, especially  when you are younger or just starting. This isn’t to say that if you miss a day of practice you forget everything, but if you practice 3 times a week and somebody else practices 6 times a week, that second person will be significantly further along in a week, and more so in a month. I tell new students, as close to everyday, even 5 to 10 minutes a day is all you need to start. It gets hard though, and you say to yourself, well, why bother. I suppose it’s like flossing—doesn’t take long, but kind of annoying and easy to skip, right? And what’s one day?

Then as you get better at the violin, it takes more time. That 10 minutes should become 20, then 30, then so on. Soon you may find yourself taking longer lessons, and ultimately, if you want to really do this right, you should be practicing daily for an hour, 2, 3, or more. That’s when people really start talking about your “talent”, when you are getting up early to practice before school, or when you dedicate weeks of your summer to a music camp, or when you take your violin along on a family trip to practice.

I get students in college who think that they should get an A just for taking lessons. They don’t think that me asking them to practice 3 hours a week is reasonable. (Seriously, I probably have 3 college students total that actually accomplish this.) I was always taught that for every hour in class you should spend 3 out of it. Now, 3 hours a week isn’t actually enough, in my opinion, if you are a music major. Because you should be striving to actually be good on your instrument, and even if you aren’t planning to be a performer, surely you want to be good enough for your community orchestra? and that requires some work.

No one wants to do the work. They also don’t realize that it gets easier, that the more you practice the more fun violin can be, because you are better at it! And that you keep getting better. I find that to be the most interesting: I keep getting better. Maybe I don’t have the fast twitch muscles of my youth or the memorization skills, but I can turn a phrase and I can make my violin sing the way I want it to, and those skills are more valuable.

I’m mostly frustrated. I’ve never been good at getting my students to practice. I ask them to track it, I ask them about their practice, I ask them to plan it out, I give them ideas on how to do it, what to practice. I try charts, graphs, stickers, rewards, etc. I praise them when they have good weeks. I find that ultimately, some will practice, regardless, and others won’t. Getting ready for recitals or contests makes those that already practice more motivated, which is good, but it’s all marginal. So why am I having such a hard time changing people’s practice habits? I think that it’s because, ultimately, it’s up to them. Have I emphasized it enough? Sometimes, occasionally, maybe no. I do try, but it’s possible I’m bringing assumptions to the table.

In any case, whenever I run into bigger issues, I always try to figure out how to do better in the future. This semester I’ve had some issues with a few students that I hadn’t had before, so I’m trying to figure out how to do better. I think for my college students I will really set out a required plan, and tell them their grade each week will depend on it. I will also make sure that they understand what a lesson is, and that it is not an optional class. For new private students, I will continue to try to spell things out more clearly and make sure the parents know the expectations, that practice isn’t something you only do when you have time, that it is something you make time for or otherwise, why are you taking lessons? Remember, more practice actually makes music more fun, because it’s not fun to do things you are bad at.

Random thoughts

Sunday Night

I need another weekend day! One with nothing to do…then again, today was already almost one of those days. And it was amazing!

I slept in, did some cross-stitch (my new thing), read, and took a walk. We went to look at a black cat in another neighborhood that we had heard about that looked like it could be Miles. And we found it, and here’s the thing…will we even know if we find him? I didn’t think this cat was him, but Louie just didn’t even know. And I could be wrong. We got kind of yelled at by a rude neighbor—we were petting this stray cat in front of her house and she came out to ask what we were doing, which okay, fine, but then she was super rude and said, that cat belongs to someone across the street, which is where the woman who messaged me on nextdoor about the cat LIVES. Sigh. I don’t know why people who hate other people live in cities, honestly. If I came out of my house to yell at everybody who stopped in front of my house to do something (pet the neighbor’s cat, pick up their dog doo-doo, pick up litter, tie their shoe, etc) I guess I would be pretty cranky too, as that would be time consuming.

Nonetheless. I don’t know. And we didn’t feel comfortable at that point taking the cat in the car and going to see, but I think maybe we can always go back another time?  Part of me says, of course I’ll recognize my own cat, but honestly, it’s been over 6 months and we only had him for 10 months and he was tough to get to know. I don’t know.

This weekend I have done a fair amount of Christmas planning. I know it’s early, but since I’m hosting my family, and I know December can be really busy, I want to be on track. I don’t know what we are doing for Halloween or Thanksgiving yet, but I know what we are doing for Christmas, AND I went ahead and made photo cards over the weekend. Snapfish was having a big sale (they have them a lot, to be fair) and this way I got the cards I wanted at a steep discount (I wouldn’t have bought them otherwise, at least not with the paper I did). So I’m a little crazy, but it’s also almost November, and soon I won’t feel too ahead of things!

We’ve watched more of The Handmaid’s Tale. I don’t want to spoil anything for you but I’ll just say I’m finding it more unbelievable, plot wise, and things are actually easier to watch because of that. We are only starting Season 3 now. I’m also listening to various podcasts (lately into Ben Franklin’s World), reading some mystery novels, rereading the Outlander series, and working on my turkey cross-stitch. I haven’t run this week as much as I planned to, but this coming week I will be. I haven’t been doing much practicing this semester at all…I just haven’t been feeling motivated, and I think it’s probably okay to take a break. I certainly play practically every day and I often play scales with my students and tons of demonstration, so even without practicing I probably play 30 to 60 minutes a day, and plus gigs. I should be doing more though, I suppose, but I’m more interested in doing hobbies and reading right now and I’ll just relax a bit more I think. If I felt my playing wasn’t good I’d practice more, but I feel like right now I feel just fine! Don’t tell my students…(then again, I’ll tell them, you too can take a break after 36 years of playing! As long as you keep playing your scales slowly.)

If I weren’t a musician I could have a relaxing weekend every weekend. Yet, that thought doesn’t motivate me to change careers, so I guess I’ll stay where I am. I do appreciate my relaxing weekends though!

This week looks to be pretty decent. I have social plans on Wednesday (as well as a standing weekly lunch date with a friend)plus there’s Halloween, and I’m not teaching at home that day. My teaching schedule this week is pretty busy on Mondays, Fridays, and every other Thursday, but otherwise Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and every other Thursday are decent. I used to wish I had more morning activities, but now I wish I had more mornings free to play catch up! Be careful what you wish for because you may get it! (I could still use more Sunday morning church jobs, as I find them fun and easy, but I won’t be worried about it).

I realize this blog post isn’t very interesting. I should have had a better theme before writing..I guess mostly it was about Miles. Did we see him today and just not know? I feel weird about that, but like I said, I didn’t really think it WAS him. But it could have been, I don’t know. The cat seemed sweet and friendly.

Sigh.

I should also really start working on my pile of “to be read” books rather than just adding more of them. I will make it a goal for November to read at least one more serious (aka nonfiction) book from the pile. Well, after I finish my library books Winking smile