Oh hey!

Figured I’d just give a quick update on yesterday’s little ol’ audition.  I know why people don’t tell people when they are taking auditions, or especially why people don’t blog about them, because when they come out and name the person who advanced in your round (of 13, 1 out of 13) and it isn’t you, your inclination isn’t to tell the world.

But hey, I’m a blogger, I have to tell the world.  And I’ll write more about the experience later when I have a little more perspective.  I’m less (slightly less) angry than I was last night but only slightly.  Anything I say would be tinged with bitterness.

And tears.  Sometimes I hate being a girl, because of the tears.  After I finished playing I was texting with Chris and I said, so yeah, after the results I’ll probably go cry in the car for awhile and then drive home.  He said, oh, don’t cry!  As if that was an option.

I texted the same thing to my friend Jen, and she said, well, sure, but don’t cry for more than five minutes.  I thought that sounded like a really long time!

I didn’t time it, and in fact I basically held out UNTIL I got home.  So there you have it.  I was too terrified in the parking lot that I would see someone on the committee that I knew and they would be aware of my failure.

This is a great day:  admitting both professional failure and a crying jag on the internet for all to read!

Let’s see.  Bright side…

It is time to reset and get back to life as it was.  This morning I’m taking a rest day, plus my first finger joint hurts oddly, but I’ve got a concert Friday night with Chamber Project St Louis (and the same program the following Friday, so come see us if you are local!)…I’ve got teaching…I’ve got TONS of blog reviews people want me to write (we’ll see about those, but I’ve been reading some fun books and trying some stuff out and I’m just super behind on all of that)…I’ve got an overflowing email inbox which would ordinarily stress me out, but again, I’ll get to it…

Plus I’ve got a half marathon in April (yes, half) that I really need to start running for again.  Not today.  Today is diet and detox and rest, and tomorrow I’m back to working out.  I’m not super happy with what I’m seeing in the mirror and now there are no more excuses for stress eating and skipping workouts. 

(unrelated cat picture—see I’m just fine 😉 )

Is there a shame category to publish this post under?  That’s how I feel.  Even though if I were a friend I’d tell me that auditions suck, everybody hates them, it’s okay, and plus, all that work I put into it will ONLY help me be a better player overall and there’s no negative side of having worked hard…all that stuff you tell your friends because you love them…it’s harder to convince yourself of.  It just feels like I tried to do something and I shouldn’t have bothered and it’s a little embarrassing.  Or why couldn’t I have played better?  How hard would that have been?  Maybe if I hadn’t been sick and missed that week of practice.…

Don’t write platitudes in the comments.  I already know.  Tell me funny stuff to cheer me up instead.  Pretend I have the emotional capability of a small child and if you get me smiling and giggling again everything will be okay 🙂  Bonus points for emailing or posting funny or cute animal pictures.

(I was about to publish this when a friend called.  She was telling me how the author of A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline L’Engle, spent 12 years trying to get the book published.  She knew it was good but had a hard time convincing anyone else of the book’s value…she kept believing in herself though, and look at how well known the book is now.  I shouldn’t concern myself with people who are just looking for me to make mistakes because they don’t appreciate the BEAUTY I can bring to music.  There’s a wee bit of perspective for you.  Or like my friend Sarah said the night before, I might be selling apples but they want oranges.)