Suddenly everybody is saying this, and it’s great and terrible. It’s terrible it has taken us so long to do so, and it’s terrible we have to. I have been afraid, and then I was reading something about if white people are afraid to speak because they are afraid to say the wrong thing, then imagine being a Black person, the fear they live with. But it’s great that we are talking now, and that more and more people are realizing that things aren’t equal.

So I’m sorry. I support the protests: I think they are wonderful, though I’m scared for the people. I think that the police need to stop murdering Black men and women. Police brutality is a terrible problem, and I see so much of it on twitter these days in the protests, and I realize it’s been going on this whole time, but now I am really seeing it clearly. I’m scared for our country (especially since the president is going full fascist calling in the military and nonviolent protestors are being gassed for photo ops), but I’m hopeful. I am thinking about my own life and how I treat people, and things that I’ve learned in the past and things that I know now, and thinking about how I can do better to fight against systemic racism and to be part of the solution.

So if I’m saying the wrong thing, so be it. Others have said things far more eloquently than me, and that’s great. I’ve been reading and trying to learn. I’ve been contacting my congressmen and I’ve been donating. This article gives some great places to donate, if you are able to do so, but there are many. Look around. Support Black-owned businesses (I read that you should capitalize Black which is why I’m doing so, I hope that’s correct) in your local town or city. Protest if you feel you can and do what you can.

I have to consider other things too…how do I perform more music by Black composers and how do I work with more Black people and how do I deal with the fact that I work in a predominantly white field with concerts primarily attended by white people and play for organizations that are run by people who make racist statements? How do I reconcile all of this for myself, and what do I do to change things from my position? This is all stuff I’m pondering, and I don’t want to just move on when things die down and then get bogged down with life again, as has happened over and over again.