Category Archives: Random thoughts

Random thoughts

Sense of wonder in my life #reverb10

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Prompt: Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

Sense of wonder…that seems so…spiritual and new-agey!  Not really my thing.  I prefer much more down to earth stuff Smile

–But I agreed to do this project, write according to the prompt each day.  (Though I am afraid over the holidays I may not be able to as I will be traveling and may not have internet.  But that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try up until then, and then make that up when I get back.)–

When I think of a sense of wonder, I think of many things…in fact, I believe I live my life with a great sense of wonder…I get excited by so many things:  bridges, weather, nature, cats, children…let me just list some specific examples that come to mind:

Bridges:

I love all the bridges around where I live (St. Louis).  We have several large rivers and bridges and rivers go hand in hand.  Whenever I drive over a bridge I get a sense of excitement, particularly crossing the Mississippi River!  In my half marathon in October we ran over a bridge over the Missouri River.  I found the view to be breathtaking!  I have contemplated running a race in Quincy, Illinois this coming May purely because the race course goes on two bridges over the Mississippi River.  I think that would be so wonderful.

–(That feels right:  wonderful:  sense of wonder.  That’s really more my style, seems more down to earth and Hannah-like versus some sort of “deep”, new-age thought process.)–

Various moments from my most recent cruise:

Looking off the balcony of my stateroom on the Carnival Legend—looking at the ocean, and nothing but the ocean until it disappears over the horizon.  Surrounded by nothing but water.

The beautiful color of the water in the Caribbean.  So blue, so beautiful. 

Mayan ruins of Xunantunich.  The only Mayan ruins I’ve seen so far in my life.  Unbelievable.

Weather:

We get some wonderful thunderstorms here, particularly in the spring.  One night the storm was particularly bad, accompanied by thunder and lightning and heavy rains and wind.  The sirens were going off…we were trying to leave to go to a friend’s house for pie…so awesome!  (We waited it out.  I don’t have a death wish.)

Cats:

I am often fascinated by my cat,  and by other cats, especially when all the cats seem to act very similarly.  Just like people, right?  Remarkable!  Plus cats are simply adorable.  Why are they adorable?  So that we will take care of them and feed them, right?  Wow!

Children:

In my line of work I see many children each week.  They are so full of curiosity and so eager to learn!  Don’t get me wrong, they are not always eager to learn the violin, but they are always eager to learn SOMETHING.  I am not a parent, but I would say that children are one of the biggest sources of a sense of wonder we adults can find.  If for no other reason than they remind us that WE used to be a children and have that same unquenchable curiosity.

 

The point is that I cultivated a sense of wonder throughout all aspects of my life in 2010.  I look forward to continuing in 2011…what new places will I visit?  What new phenomena will I observe?  What bridges will I run or drive over?  (Will I continue to eschew more spiritual and new-age ideas? Winking smile )

Random thoughts

HBBC update

There was a change in the way points are done for the HBBC.

HBBC Rules (revised)
1 Point per mile (run/walk/snowshoe)
1 Point per 3 miles biked
1 Point per 20 minutes of weight lifting, Pilates, yoga, stretching or abs
1 Point per 15 minutes of low impact cardio (i.e. aerobics, easy biking)
1 Point per 10 minutes of high impact cardio (spin, kickbox, etc)
1 Per day where you reach a minimum of 7 servings of fruits and veggies

In honor of that change, I need to give myself a few extra points:   I’m now going to consider a workout with Mike 4 points instead of 3 (seriously they are tough and should probably count as 6!).

Points added for:

11/30 : 1 point (Mike)

11/28 : 2 points (spin class)

11/24 : 1 point (Mike)

11/20:  2 points (kickboxing video)

So today’s points:  over 7 f/v servings: 1 point, 1 mile run: 1 point, 60 minute workout with Mike: 4 points, total: 6 points PLUS revised points from before: 6 points, for a total of 12 points.  Sweet!

Edited to add: HBBC:  Total from 11/7-12/3: 44.5 points

Random thoughts

December 3 #reverb10

Prompt: Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

I had many wonderful moments this year!  But when did I feel most alive?  How can I just choose one?  Several moments stick out in my head, finishing exhilarating musical performances, happy moments from my summer cruise, moments from various races I have run…

—I also recall the great feeling of being alive in failure, after not advancing in an audition.  (I prefer not to relive that moment here.) —

There were many wonderful moments from the cruise—filled with warmth, humidity, the smell of salt air, blue skies, green jungles, coconut, chocolate, and relaxation.  But I think I’ll pick the ending of my first race—after all, that race has changed the rest of my year and my plans for the next year significantly.

It was a half-marathon, my first race ever.  I had been pushed into it by my trainer, Joe (he was running it as well).  I had only been running for about three months (that’s total, in my life, minus a few months in ninth grade gym class.)  I was TERRIFIED going into the race, and was horribly unprepared to run.  But I knew I could walk, and I knew I could finish, albeit slowly.

After several hours, I was almost done!  The sun was shining, but not too bright.  The sky was clear and blue.  It had been freezing earlier in the morning but it was simply the perfect temperature now.  I was comfortably warm, but not sweaty, not so hot that I became too thirsty.  Lifting each foot felt like lifting cement lumps from the hard rock underneath.  My arms were completely exhausted from hours of swinging, but my legs were… surprisingly still okay.

I looked at my watch and realized I could finish in under three hours, which was better than I had anticipated, if I kept up the pace and ran at least 1/2 mile of the last mile. There were a lot of more spectators around, cheering and holding signs that said things like “Keep your pace.”  I pushed forward, running.  Another 1/2 mile done.  Suddenly the route turned sharply left, and a steep DOWNHILL!  I ran faster (I RAN FASTER!) and felt as if I was about to cry from happiness.  People were cheering, cheering me on (and the runners around me), ringing cowbells.  The road felt hard and rocky under my tired feet.  I pushed myself to run as fast as I could…and I finally crossed the finish line. I had completed my first half-marathon!  As I stopped running I was disoriented, hot, thirsty, hungry, sweaty, and exhausted.  People were passing out medals and water– I took them both–and walked slowly for a bit until I could find a good place to sit down.  And sit down I did, right in the grass, which was surprisingly dry, and much softer than I thought it would be.    I had never been so tired…and I felt a gigantic sense of accomplishment.  I felt like an Olympic athlete!

Random thoughts

Rest Day

I tend to go overboard on activities and become really obsessed.  I get very excited about the activity, almost manic (but not quite!), and then after a few hours/days/weeks/months, burn out and never speak of it again.  You can even see some of that excitement in my blog, if you are a long time reader.

I don’t want to burn out on fitness and working out.  It’s a lot of fun.  I’m also having a great time training for the Rock n’ Rock Half Marathon in Phoenix.  It means I need to run 4 days a week on average plus I have two weekly training sessions with Mike.  Hypothetically, this would be plenty of activity—but I also signed up for a weekly spinning class, starting next Tuesday (just one hour a week!  for five weeks, and it was really inexpensive!)—and I still have a few days left on my Bikram pass, plus another week of unlimited that I must use by December 22 or I lose it.  (Can you tell I am terrified to gain weight after working so hard to lose it?  but working out more just makes me hungrier!)

I woke up this morning and my body ached.  I was exhausted (and I had even gone to bed early).  I realized…I have to slow down.  I need to take time to relax.  I can’t spend all my free time doing physical activities!  And Bikram…well they WANT you to be obsessed.  They want you to come in every day, even twice a day!  Each class is a minimum 2 1/2 hour time commitment (counting commute, sign-in, and a few minutes after to feel normal again.  not counting the shower.)  I just don’t have that time more than once a week (less if I am taking the spinning class, though there’s a chance it’ll be canceled.) They make you feel like doing it once a week or less just wouldn’t be even remotely enough…they make you feel like a disappointment if you don’t commit your life to it.  But I don’t have to fall for it!  I know there are people who just go sporadically!  I know they are in the class with me, forging ahead.  So I will go NO more often than I want to.  That means that I will not go again on this pass, and I will likely just go one time on the next pass, but that’s okay.  I don’t need to let them scare me away with their palpable disappointment Winking smile

So tonight I am simply relaxing.  And tomorrow morning I am going to sleep in a bit before I meet with Mike for a workout.  Then I will run on Saturday and Sunday.  And that can be enough.

HBBC:  1 point for 8 f/v: 1 point total

Random thoughts

Self-doubt #reverb10

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Prompt: Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

This is a tough one for me.  I don’t consider myself a writer.  I do some writing, I’ve been published (just a little), and I love blogging, but I really consider myself a teacher and a violinist.

That brings me right to the first answer.  What do I do each day that doesn’t contribute to my writing?  What I’m doing right now—telling myself I’m not a writer, telling myself I’m not good enough.  Self-doubt.  So I don’t write. 

Can I eliminate it?  Probably not entirely, but I can try. 

As a child I loved to write.  I also loved to play the violin. So I became a musician…and not just any musician, a SERIOUS, CLASSICAL musician.  And to be a good SERIOUS, CLASSICAL musician I was told to stop doing other things except practicing.  I was told that if I spent enough time practicing then I would be able to succeed and get a job in an orchestra, and then I would be happy. 

So I did that.  I practiced and “succeeded” and got a job in an orchestra.  And I HATED IT. So I left. 

Maybe the orchestra wasn’t good enough?  Maybe I needed to have gotten a better job in a better orchestra?  I kept trying, I kept practicing, I wanted that good job in a good orchestra that would bring personal satisfaction and happiness. But it never happened for me. I wasn’t good enough to get a job like that.

See the self-doubt?  There it is.  I wasn’t good enough to get a job like that. 

That’s a very negative way to look at MYSELF.  Not being good enough.  Not, for instance, saying, I didn’t work hard enough, or had a different personal style, or didn’t deal with performance anxiety very well.  Nope.  Wasn’t good enough.  And for awhile I felt that since I hadn’t achieved my goal, I didn’t deserve happiness.

The fact of the matter is, orchestral musicians are among the most unhappy people in the world (there have been studies, I will try to find a link later.) 

But it’s just a huge bundle of self-doubt that I need to get rid of (in particular, in order to make 2011 the year of HAPPINESS). 

Final thought:  I’m writing right now, even though I am hesitant to use the #reverb10 in the title as I know people will come and read this…and likely judge me NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  But I do it anyway.  Who cares what they think!  I want to share!

I want to write.

Random thoughts

Day 1 #reverb10

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I received this in my email this morning:

Prompt: One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

I had an early morning drive out to St. Peters this morning so I racked my brain the whole time.  I reflected on the past year, and thought about what I was focused on. 

Health.

That’s really what my year boils down to.  I started a serious workout regimen, lifting weights, running, and more.  I became very focused on my diet, making sure I was using proper serving sizes and providing good nutrition for myself.  Why?  Yes, of course, to look good, but as the months went by, primarily to feel good, to have energy, to be in good health.  And that’s where I am.  I feel better than I ever have! 

So what do I want next year?  I know my answer, but I worry it’s totally clichéd (blogging itself is clichéd, so I don’t know why this concerns me.)

Happiness.

I AM happy now.  But I want to maintain that happiness throughout the year.  Yes, I know there are life events that are out of my control. 

My response and reaction to those events is under my control. 

And I want to choose to be happy.