Prompt: Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
This is a tough one for me. I don’t consider myself a writer. I do some writing, I’ve been published (just a little), and I love blogging, but I really consider myself a teacher and a violinist.
That brings me right to the first answer. What do I do each day that doesn’t contribute to my writing? What I’m doing right now—telling myself I’m not a writer, telling myself I’m not good enough. Self-doubt. So I don’t write.
Can I eliminate it? Probably not entirely, but I can try.
As a child I loved to write. I also loved to play the violin. So I became a musician…and not just any musician, a SERIOUS, CLASSICAL musician. And to be a good SERIOUS, CLASSICAL musician I was told to stop doing other things except practicing. I was told that if I spent enough time practicing then I would be able to succeed and get a job in an orchestra, and then I would be happy.
So I did that. I practiced and “succeeded” and got a job in an orchestra. And I HATED IT. So I left.
Maybe the orchestra wasn’t good enough? Maybe I needed to have gotten a better job in a better orchestra? I kept trying, I kept practicing, I wanted that good job in a good orchestra that would bring personal satisfaction and happiness. But it never happened for me. I wasn’t good enough to get a job like that.
See the self-doubt? There it is. I wasn’t good enough to get a job like that.
That’s a very negative way to look at MYSELF. Not being good enough. Not, for instance, saying, I didn’t work hard enough, or had a different personal style, or didn’t deal with performance anxiety very well. Nope. Wasn’t good enough. And for awhile I felt that since I hadn’t achieved my goal, I didn’t deserve happiness.
The fact of the matter is, orchestral musicians are among the most unhappy people in the world (there have been studies, I will try to find a link later.)
But it’s just a huge bundle of self-doubt that I need to get rid of (in particular, in order to make 2011 the year of HAPPINESS).
Final thought: I’m writing right now, even though I am hesitant to use the #reverb10 in the title as I know people will come and read this…and likely judge me NOT GOOD ENOUGH. But I do it anyway. Who cares what they think! I want to share!
I want to write.
