It doesn’t feel like a holiday, and that’s okay. There isn’t a barbecue or cookout to attend. There isn’t an official fireworks show. There isn’t a functioning federal government with an appropriate response to the pandemic we are living in. Yet, life goes on.

I’m playing a short concert with my friend Michael and our band this afternoon. It’ll be hot and I’m sort of regretting it, but I agreed because it’s good to get out of the house. It’ll be livestreamed at 3 pm CDT.

It’s been over a week of cooking at home. This isn’t so bad: I’ve gotten much better at cooking and improvising pretty decent meals. Last night we made pasta with mushrooms and kale from the CSA, a teeny amount of chard from the garden, and preserved lemons I’d made a few months ago. I’ve made a few jars of fridge pickles lately with some things from the CSA too: dilly green beans and dill pickles. Those will be ready to eat when we get back from our trip to Chautauqua. If we can take it…so far Missouri isn’t on the quarantine list for NY.

It’s hard to know what to do: we’ve been pretty cautious, and we think this is an okay risk to take. We also still want to do our camping trip later in the month. Camping isn’t a hugely risky thing, we’ll stay apart from people as much as we can while hiking, cook or pack our own meals, wear masks, I have loads of wipes and such…the other option is just sit at home and wait, and part of me says, if Louie is supposed to be back in the classroom in September we might as well take these risks now because that is certainly risky…not that that’s a good way to look at things, but as I’ve said before, I start to feel like a crazy person trying to avoid this virus that so many have just given up on.

(And then I remember that I am teaching online from home and haven’t played a real concert or a show since March and it is unlikely that will happen again in the next 6 months, because without a strong federal response to this pandemic, we are on our own and thousands and thousands will suffer and die, needlessly, as other countries have shown us.)

I started blogging feeling pretty good so I’ll try to return there. Are you doing anything fun for the holiday? I asked one student that earlier this week and she said “setting off fireworks in our backyard!”

I read a tweet that called Trump’s rally in Tulsa the beginning of his Farewell Tour. Oh let it be so.

I was thinking about my last post, and I did want to add: I am fine with all the plans changing…I recognize the privilege that Louie and I have, to be able to work quite successfully from home (if you ignore the fact that I am also a performer, and miss that). But yet, I can be understanding and still be sad for what might have been, and what might be or might not be. I can wish the pandemic wasn’t going on while being grateful that no one in my close circle has gotten sick.

It’s hard to know what to do. And that’s okay, I’m okay with the worries. I don’t need to be one of those white people who has all the answers who is on facebook lecturing others (while perhaps, not wanting to live in a diverse neighborhood “because of the schools”)—in fact I definitely don’t want to be that person. I also don’t want to be jumping down other people’s throats for being late to the party, yet I’m also not going to rallies or protests because I am still trying to stay away from large groups of people. So I’m thinking, I’m assigning my students pieces written by Black composers (but it’s been ragtime and jazz stuff, which I worry isn’t enough), I’m reading a variety of books (but are they the right ones?), and I’m donating a bit of money here and there (but is it enough and since I mention it here is that patting myself on the back?), and I’m continuing to nag my Senators and other elected officials as I have been for a few years now. But I’m writing this silly blog, and who does that help besides me?

I had a short teaching week this past week and my students were all pretty delightful. I think being out of school has been great for them mentally…most of them seemed to really hate online learning. I don’t know what the fall will bring though, and I think that anybody who claims to is lying. Remember February, when all of this would have been incomprehensible? And then March happened, and then on March 11 everything changed (at least that was the date everything started getting canceled for us in St Louis). So to think that in JUNE we know what August will look like is absolutely ridiculous to me. I understand trying to prepare and plan of course, and there’s nothing I love more than preparing and planning.

Anyway, just a lot of random thoughts, as you might expect if you are a long time reader of the blog! Let me leave you during this crazy time with some cat pictures. Throughout all the worries and troubles, isn’t it great to have pets?

The cat trees are in a sort of “extra” or “Junk” room. My house has a kind of weird setup (I’m sure I’ve mentioned the kitchen is in the basement, for instance) and this room is a room I walk through all the time en route somewhere else but it’s really not good for much because it’s sort of small, and well, has a lot of junk in it. I’ve thought about different ideas for it, but honestly, cat trees, bookshelves, file cabinets and such are pretty good ones. I would still love to have slightly less junk but some of the stuff I wished I’d gotten rid of has come in handy over the past few months, whether actually or mentally.

Anyway, I’d better go. Time to go outside for awhile and enjoy that whole fresh air thing…later tonight we are doing a socially distanced gathering with another couple. It’s always funny: we tend to eat quite late, usually between 8 and 9 pm but hardly anybody else does, so “normal” dinner times always really seem to cut into the day! Even in the pandemic times Louie and I are trying to pack too much into the day. (We also just see dinner often as the last thing of the day, dinner, maybe a little TV or a walk, and then bedtime. I think other people have dinner, more activities, snack, etc.)

Some people say it doesn’t matter what day it is. I guess I should be grateful that my students keep me grounded. I need to know what day it is so I know who to call when.

Normally this would be a very busy week, full of church services. I still have them in my calendar, I guess so I can see what I lost. It’s not only the money, it’s actually quite a lot of fun to play where I’ve been playing the past few years—doing a few nights in a row with some of the same musicians gives a real sense of camaraderie and makes life feel different from the normal day-to-day.

We are doing (I think!) an online Seder with Louie’s family tomorrow night. I guess the advantage of not having as much work is that I am more available for things. The disadvantage is that we are just at home all the time, obviously.

I did end up deciding to do my own grocery shopping yesterday instead of having it delivered. I got to choose my own items that way. There was no toilet paper, but there were paper towels and a large variety of pasta. I wore an old surgical mask we had on hand and I hated it the whole time, which made me hurry home.

I made a video yesterday of myself playing one of my favorite movements of solo Bach. It feels intimidating putting these things out there: it’s the feeling of “I’m not good enough to share with my facebook friends” in particular, but I want to continue to share my music and I want to continue to push myself and do things that are difficult beyond simply going to the grocery store.

Here’s the video. 

I’m also enjoying watching everybody else’s videos and things they share online. It makes us all feel connected more in these difficult times. Every time I start to feel okay something will remind me that I’m not and that we aren’t. All of this most likely could have been avoided, and yet here we are. Struggling at home, struggling to get basic supplies, people refusing to stay at home and putting more at risk, grocery store workers who are typically maligned as unimportant putting themselves on the line to earn their hourly pay which obviously should have been higher this whole time, doctors not being provided with proper protective gear because our government is too busy buying it to sell it to middlemen who then make hospitals and states bid for it at a higher price…the whole thing seems surreal and unreal and all of those things and here we are, just stuck at home for who knows how much longer.

They officially canceled the Paris conference, which wasn’t a surprise. I think how 6 weeks ago we were just looking forward to things this summer…and people in government did nothing to mitigate the threat coming our way, except for those that sold stock and bought other stocks in order to financially capitalize on their knowledge. But other than those people, others did nothing, and others did worse than nothing, such as our loser president, who lied and minimized the threat in order to what, make more money and gain more power? In order to try to get re-elected, or to “stick it to the libs” or what? Someday historians will look back on this time and see what could have been different, but we are living it, and even living it we see what could be different, but instead it is how it is.

This should be a week to be looking forward to summer, to be enjoying the fine spring weather, to enjoy dinner on a patio at a nearby restaurant, to be planning a wonderful summer of travel to various places and to see family members, to be counting down the weeks left in the semester until my schedule frees up, but knowing that this hard work now pads my bank account to make it through the lean summer months and to be able to afford a vacation and the time off that takes since I don’t get paid to not work. All the people who canceled their weddings, all the church services canceled, the concerts, etc, canceled. Nobody pays the freelance musicians for not working.

If you are reading my blog you might think I am angry all the time. I’m not, but I’m angry now. I let it go and go about my day. I’m making baba ghanoush today. I’m going to work out. I have a few hours of teaching (well, that’s even an understatement), and we will eat a nice dinner and watch an episode or two of Ozark afterwards. But that’s not what I want to do every night. To me, that isn’t a life well lived. I don’t want to spend every night, every day, every weekend at home. We are all making sacrifices. I had so many concerts I was looking forward to seeing, to playing…it’s all gone now. I suppose this will pass, but when? We are so looking forward to seeing Hillary Hahn with the SLSO this September—will that be canceled? Likely: how can we have large gatherings of people then, without a vaccine? I think of trump saying “what have you got to lose?” Little did we realize (well, many of us did realize, but we didn’t specifically imagine this) that what we had to lose was more than simply our lives, it was everything about life than made it worth living. That’s what we have lost lately. And yes, I know people are sick, and don’t you worry, I’m angry and worried about that too, more and more. So many have been sick and so many have died and more will and it is just absolutely horrifying and terrible.

I stopped there for a few hours and took a break. I did a video workout. I made baba ghanoush and roasted some tomatoes for a salad for later. I took a short walk around the neighborhood and read a book during lunch. I taught one student and now have a bit of time before the rest of my teaching day continues.

It’s hard to deal with all the emotions we go through on a daily basis. I know I need to read less news, but I keep thinking, well, I need to be informed…if we are stuck at home indefinitely I owe it to myself to know what’s going on. But the truth is, it’s all very upsetting, and yes, contrary to what many have said in the past, this all does affect our daily lives in a negative way and there’s no avoiding it. But whether this person was fired, or this person knew and sold stock, or this person is abusing the office of the presidency for personal profit and a whole bunch of people are allowing it…at this point it doesn’t affect my day to day life. My day to day life is what it is now, and what can affect it is my attitude. I was reading a bit of a blog post by Gretchen Rubin of the happiness project about writing a letter to yourself to be read after this is over about what you’ve accomplished. I know many are struggling with being laid off or dealing with kids, or of course, are sick or have loved ones who are. But it’s easy to say, oh, we are in a pandemic, I might as well not work out or eat vegetables because this is a stressful time. And the truth is: life is full of stressful times. Yes, nobody will care if you lost or gained five pounds when you are dead. But what if how you treat your body right now means that you might live longer? Or that the life you live is of a better quality because of decisions you make now? So that is keeping me on a good workout regiment (after all, I often postponed things because I didn’t have the time, and I have time for a lot of workouts on most days now) and we are trying to eat a lot of good healthy foods. I keep thinking there might be a time we can’t get good fresh vegetables and fruits and so we keep eating more of them than ever. And then at the end of the night, maybe I’ll have a treat—a piece of chocolate, a glass of wine, and that might be a bit more often than normal, but the day’s activity and diet allows for it. We are eating out less, we are eating healthier than ever (and better tasting), and I am moving a lot more than I often am able. I will come out of this stronger and healthier than ever, and that’s my hope. I also hope that if I catch Covid that I am in a healthy place to fight it off. Yes, I’m anxious and prone to get depressed, but I’m always anxious and prone to get depressed, so I am well equipped to deal with actual adversity in my life.

I am excited about dinner, and I’m excited to see my Tuesday students. I find teaching online to be generally less stressful than teaching in person. I don’t have to worry about people coming to my house before I’m ready, or staying too long. Sometimes students show up really early and it interferes with my ability to get other things done. I ask them not to but often they do anyway. Now I just call them when it’s time! I have to think about how to continue my control over my schedule in the future…it really helps me relax when I know nobody is going to show up early, and while I know sometimes they need to use the bathroom or perhaps they want to unpack so they can be ready to start their lesson on time…maybe I just need to say, yes, you can come in 5 minutes early to unpack and such but absolutely no more than that under any circumstances, even if I’m already teaching and if they do, charge them for the extra time? What would you do? With online teaching, these stressors are gone. I like to have my schedule set and then be able to transition from what I’m doing before I teach (often practicing, but sometimes eating lunch or trying to do household chores, running errands, or commuting) and worrying about being interrupting OR being interrupting ruins this. And yes, I have asked people directly not to come in early, and for the most part, this doesn’t work either. So that’s another reason I find online teaching to be less stressful. The other reasons I am not sure why, I just find it easier. It’s easier to keep the student’s attention, and like I’ve said, it’s likely that the rest of my schedule is much lighter so I’m just not as tired and worn out as usual. It’s an odd combination of feelings: far less work stress yet far more financial stress and worry about the general state of the world, plus the worry about the virus!

Anyway, this post has gone on long enough, I’m sure. I don’t even have any good cat pictures to add, so I’ll just sign off. Thanks for reading my ramblings!

I find my emotions are all over the place. I assume that’s the new normal. I woke up this morning feeling okay…yesterday I woke up really stressed and cranky, but I was nervous about going to the grocery store.

Simple things have changed, haven’t they? One day we will look back and wonder how we made it through. I wanted/needed (it wasn’t a need in that we were literally out of food, but there were a lot of specific things we hoped to get ) to go to the grocery store, so I planned to go around 9 am on Monday hoping it wouldn’t be too busy. I was correct, and the store was even well stocked! The last time I went to the store two weeks earlier I had been taken aback by wide expanses of empty product sections, empty pasta aisles, empty toilet paper aisles, etc. This time there were empty shelves here and there still, but mostly they had everything one might need. They even had some toilet paper at the time, which made me feel more positive.

I bought hopefully enough to avoid the store for another two weeks—we’ve been getting stuff delivered as well from Imperfect Foods, and we did Blue Apron last week, so we have no shortage of anything. I’ve been doing a small amount of what some might call hoarding but others would call preparing for the worst as well, and hopefully we come out the end of this ready to go on a week long camping trip somewhere.

I spent the rest of the day teaching, doing a few videos for my students and one to share with the world, and trying to relax.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKtbjR4kJF0

There are a lot of unknowns right now, and it’s very hard to deal with. They say one should just focus on the day ahead, but if that’s the case, each day is just the same and drags on, and I guess that’s really the challenge. There’s nothing necessarily to look forward to: no vacations, no trips, no concerts…I guess I can look forward to the weekend for once, but to do what? They are even talking of closing State Parks since some were too crowded over the weekend, and then what?

As I was writing this, one of my twitter followers did something that has made my day happier. She left a tip in my paypal tip jar, and tweeted one of my videos—the one above, and now I am all warm and fuzzy and feel really grateful. I’m thinking of doing a longer “concert” perhaps streaming somehow. My brother-in-law has done a few cello live performances on facebook and I admire his nerve and the one I saw was quite entertaining, so maybe I can do something like that. I’d love to monetize it a bit, at least with donations requested (seriously, we may not have concerts again this year, who knows?) but I also just want to bring music to people.

In any case, I’d better get on with my day. Time to workout, teach, and practice a bit too. Today will be an okay day.