I had to take my cat, Muriel, back to the vet to get her stitches out from getting spayed. She happily walked into her carrier, but then when I passed her to the vet tech, she hissed, and a few minutes later the vet tech came back to ask if she was always this “feisty.” Evidently she was hissing and growling at them and they couldn’t do anything! I left her there after speaking with the vet—they are going to give her a little laughing gas and then they can take a look at everything. She is such a pleasant kitty normally—true, perhaps a little rambunctious, but very sweet! The other thing that I find a little unsettling is that while I’m her owner and I’m taking her to the vet and all these things, I don’t know how well she really likes me or considers me a source of comfort or even terribly familiar. Having a new pet is different for sure!

It’s Friday already, but I again work through the weekend, so I’m really looking forward to NEXT weekend! I don’t have much work at all, I get to see my friend April who is visiting (actually that’s before the weekend), I have a couple of fun things with friends planned…all in all it’ll be a nice time. I am still too busy at home, but you can see I have time to blog and take animals to the vet, so things are more under control.

Have I mentioned that I’m looking forward to the summer? It’s basically here, since college is done, but it’s not exactly quite here. People are vague on when summer starts, understandably. Is it when school ends? After Memorial Day? June 21 (or 22, is it?). For me, I think it really has to do with the school schedule, because that’s when the students start taking less lessons, traveling more, going to camps, and my schedule totally changes.

I felt like last summer I tried to do a bunch of fun things but ended up just feeling like I was working too much. I don’t mind working, but sometimes it feels like I work a ton in the summer but hardly make any money because the work is spread out and there are hours of nothing but I can’t do anything better because I have work later. If that even makes one iota of sense! This summer I’m trying hard to consolidate things. I’m getting rid of Friday teaching, so everybody will be Monday through Thursday. I have some gigs and whatnot scheduled, but I have less weddings that in the past—I do assume I’ll pick up a few things, but I’m going to try to maintain some downtime and some free weekends to be a normal person. We just bought tickets for two operas at Opera Theatre—I love modern opera, so we got one for An American Soldier, and Louie picked Orfeo and Euridice. I was thinking back to previous summers and what stood out in my memories and going to the opera was oddly one of those things.

I’m also hoping to get to the Shakespeare Festival this year. I have a few tentative dates in mind for that—well, one in particular, and I hope that the weather holds up! Outdoor festivals are certainly a fun activity and a memorable one. We have so many cool things to do in the summer here, and hopefully I can take advantage of more of them.

You can’t always plan what activities will be the most fun (I do suffer from the issue of trying to over-plan life) but I think you can make an effort to do fun things and not just sit around watching Netflix. Though I’d love to do a bit of that too…I look forward to having enough down time to just sit around and watch tv too  

In all honesty though, it is very telling to me how much more relaxed I’ve been once the colleges were done. I love teaching college students, and frankly I enjoy the feeling of prestige I get from being a “college violin teacher” but it really adds a lot to my already busy schedule. This isn’t a readily solvable problem (without quitting things I don’t want to quit, and the money is useful), so for now, I’m just going to appreciate waking up and not feeling super stressed out and feeling like I’m actually on top of a few things in my life instead of being behind on everything!

I often read career advice blog posts and facebook posts. Here’s my career advice for any readers: keep a good calendar. Show up early to gigs. Practice and be prepared for whatever comes up. Be friendly to your colleagues.

Maybe I’ll expand upon that in a longer post. While I haven’t found much in the way of the popular “work-life balance”, I’ve found a lot of work!

In any case, I’m off to get Muriel, lunch with a friend, teach a few students, practice, and play another show. Tomorrow morning we are planning a bike ride, then it’s two shows. Sunday is a student and two more shows and then the Phantom run is over! I’m really loving playing it—it’s one of my favorite musicals that I’ve played, and I guess all the haters can hate

I have this morning off! Mostly I’m responding to emails, but I figured I’d put up another post after last night so you know I’m not totally off the deep end Freelancing IS hard though!

The new cat, Muriel, is doing well. We got her spayed last week so she still has her stitches, but she’s starting to act more and more like herself. Yesterday she kept trying to sneak out while I was teaching, and one parent actually let her out—she was so insistent that he assumed she was an indoor/outdoor cat. Luckily she had only gone a few feet…I don’t know. I don’t WANT her to be an indoor/outdoor cat but she is really pushy at the doors. I think we can get through this period though, right? Any advice?

In the above photo she looks like she was mid-crawl, but she was actually just sitting like that. Below she is stalking the front door.

I still can’t believe I have several months off from college teaching. The college year is strange! It is nice having the extra time, because while this week is pretty darned busy due to playing a show (Phantom!) at the Fox (this is the big venue for traveling musicals in St Louis) at least I only have my private students to worry about.

I never mentioned a really fun workshop I attended last weekend. I went to the Max Aronoff Viola Institute Workshop on Saturday. One of my colleagues helped to put the event on here in St Louis and I spent the day learning about viola technique, teaching, and repertoire. I had a private session with one of the teachers, Joyce Ramée, which was informative and helpful. I’ve been a little uncomfortable asking for help with my viola journey from local people…(not sure why, variety of reasons) so I’m really glad I attended the workshop. Of course many things are similar between viola and violin, which meant that during the day I kept being reminded of important points to help my students with regarding bowing and vibrato in particular. I love attended educational seminars and workshops and always come away with valuable information that I mean to go back over and really study…and then often run out of time! Joyce also gave me some ideas on exactly what to practice on the viola in order to improve my skills, and gave me the confidence that I was already doing many things well, which as a professional I needed.

I then spent the week being incredibly picky with my students on their intonation and posture. Which I think is good: I didn’t make anybody cry, at least not IN the lesson. And sometimes I have weeks where I’m more particular, and other weeks I’m not, because it’s hard to pull teeth every week.

Another nice thing I was able to do was get my hair done last week!

Next week I hope to get a pedicure. It’s sandal weather already and I LOVE starting the summer with nicer feet. I am okay with paying somebody else for that.

Okay, I’d better get off the computer and get to a workout. Then it’s a matinee show, a few lessons, and another show…did I mention it’s a busy week? The show is so much fun though, and low pressure because I’m sitting with their traveling concertmaster. I just have to do exactly what she does, unless it’s a solo in which case I have to be certain to NOT play. It’s much easier than being the concertmaster (this is why concertmaster pays more!). And tomorrow morning we are planning on a bike ride, if the weather isn’t bad. I’m afraid to look, but assuming it’ll be warm with a small chance of storms.

I did a lot of driving last week, as I was playing with the Illinois Symphony, which rehearses in Springfield but also does a concert in Bloomington, Illinois. Those places are not super close to St Louis.  We had a great concert though, and it was super fun to play with an orchestra…playing in an orchestra full time used to be my dream job, and I still absolutely love a big orchestra.

On my drive home, south on I-55, traffic came to a standstill, for nearly an hour. I could see trucks and sirens up ahead, and, ultimately, a lifeflight helicopter landed, and then took off a bit later. It’s always a bit sobering to see these things, and to think how in an instance, everything could be totally different. Once traffic got moving we drove by the scene, and there were at least four cars, all kinds of smashed up and crushed and wrecked, and it was a hard thing to drive by and think about. It really makes you drive more alertly for awhile, and it makes you realize how freaking dangerous driving is. It is seriously the most dangerous thing we do every day!

Then today, after teaching a few students at Wash U, I get out to my car, and nope, it won’t start. I was glad this didn’t happen while I was at rehearsal in Illinois or something, but it’s always a bit frustrating. Louie came to help and tried to jump it, but that didn’t take, so I called AAA. They sent a tow truck, but luckily the driver was able to jump it (he said he had a more powerful starter than just jumping from one car to another) and I was able to drive to the mechanic instead of being towed. It ended up being a small issue, thankfully, but I did end up missing one student and having to postpone taking my violin and bow into the shop for repairs. Louie is bugging me to get a new car, but I’m cheap and stubborn…and I like my car!

I wonder how much productivity gets lost due to various car troubles?

In any case, thoughts from my last post…I had a commenter tell me to stop worrying about what people think so much. On the one hand, that means I should ignore her comment. On the other hand, this is an excellent point. I had a great time in Illinois not worrying about what people thought and just doing my thing, and I think it definitely is something that I should focus on. I have spent a long part of my life trying to please other people, and the sad truth is that nobody cares. The people that don’t like me or don’t like my playing aren’t going to, and the rest of the people will no matter what. I don’t have to care about that first group.

Then again, I’m not going to stop striving for perfection in my playing. But I’m going to do that for me. And well, for my audience so that they feel like they got their money’s worth

One more day left of college teaching! I finished up at Lindenwood, and it doesn’t exactly feel real yet. But today is my last Wash U day, with juries and all that, and then I’ll really have more time. My fun focuses are practicing and working out (I promise those are fun things!) and I also have plans to organize and de clutter the house. As one does, right?

From a year ago…finished up then too! I think I was less overwhelmed that semester than I was this semester, but I’m nonetheless relieved it’s done!

Definitely still enjoy coffee and light hearted mystery novels! And playing, and teaching, and all of that. I just maybe need to cut back a little on teaching…I’ve got a couple quitting, and while it’s not that I’m GLAD they are quitting, because I’m not, I’m not eager to replace them. I think I end up having to reschedule so many that losing a few won’t even affect my income!

Planning for May lessons and the summer schedule…I do my best thinking by hand, even though I use an electronic calendar.

This blog post has actually taken more than one day, so I think it’s time to publish. I’m off on another errand, then teaching, juries, teaching, and perhaps avocado toast for dinner.

I’m still playing catch up so I will tell you about my trip last week soon! Who I am kidding, my whole life is a game of “catch up” right now. Not sure how fun it is, and why I agreed to play, but that’s where we are.

The week is going well. Not too crazy, and I have actually had some nice chunks of time to practice, and some fun rehearsals so that’s good! Louie was questioning our life choices recently and wondering why we were so busy working…he made excellent points. As I say here, I have too much going on, but I like it all mostly. Too many students, but they are all special, so…really I just need to try to relax and continue “letting things go” like I wrote about before, because the truth is that I don’t need to stress over every performance and practice so so much. It’ll be fine and I do quite a bit as it is, I think.

I also need to let go of my guilt. I often feel guilty for…basically…not being perfect and not being all things to all people. Yes, I am trying to do it all. No, I’m not succeeding all the time. Maybe it doesn’t matter! I’m making a living, I’m having wonderful musical experiences, I’m playing music with my friends and teaching kids to play the violin and (hopefully) make music a positive force in their lives. I say that so much, but I keep having to remind myself. There is so much negativity in the world, so many bad things are happening and being allowed to happen, but these kids are good people, and I can positively influence them. And music is always good. Whether it is an escape or something that pushes us to our limits, music is always good.

And I must remind myself that I am successful. I can’t possible be as busy as I am and not be successful, right? I know people are always going on about how being busy isn’t the goal, and how “busy” isn’t an answer to “how are you?” but the thing is, I’m busy, that’s part of how I am, and I’m busy because I’m trying to do it all. But in June I won’t be nearly as busy, and then there will be three months of not being so busy, and I’ll forget all about this, and just remember all the amazing things that I got to do, right? And how every time I wrote a blog post it was basically me freaking out and trying to convince myself that I was doing okay

These are my friends. I did realize this the other week. I’m not too busy to have friends. I make music with my friends.

So often these blogs are like, oh, life is great, look how well I’m doing, look at all the cool stuff I’m able to accomplish on so little sleep.

Real Talk: I love being busy, I love performing, my students make me generally happy and I think I’m making a positive impact on the world. I feel like I matter and I feel like what I’m doing is important, and I feel mostly respected in what I do.

BUT. Especially through the month of January, and at other times, sometimes I wake up, and I feel completely overwhelmed. Sometimes I wake up and I cry, just because I’m so completely overwhelmed at everything I need to do, and that I can’t do it, and that I’m afraid I’m going to have no friends ever and never get to do anything fun that isn’t work, or being so exhausted at the end of the day that you just want to drink wine and watch Netflix.

Sometimes when people cancel I’m so relieved, but that doesn’t mean I have free time. I spend my life adding things to my to do list and checking them off. When I have a few minutes free I check my to do list to make sure I’m not forgetting anything important. Before I go to bed I often think about the day ahead and add things to the list. I constantly have to check my upcoming week to make sure I haven’t double booked anything, to make sure I’m getting the right music ready at the right time, that any rooms I need to arrange are reserved, that any students I need to reschedule are rescheduled (this is a huge stress of mine, because I am constantly rescheduling students in order to perform and rehearse)…it’s an anxiety filled lifestyle.

On top of that, I’m trying to maintain some semblance of healthy meals, a decently clean house to teach out of and live in, and then have clean clothes, and all that madness. I regularly work 10 to 14 hour days—that includes Saturdays and Sundays. I will have random mornings off, or an occasional entire day off from working, but even then my head space is filled with all that I need to catch up on, and then the constant guilt of “gosh, I should work out” and “I really absolutely need to spend some quality time with my instrument” and it all boils down too: since Christmas vacation I don’t think I’ve had a moment of actual relaxation.

Part of that could be on me. Perhaps all of it. Sometimes I take my stress out on Louie. (Too often, probably). And he has his own work and home related stress, and we probably feed on each other. And honestly, we could work less hard, but I can’t pinpoint exactly what I’d want to stop doing, and if I stopped doing any one thing, no matter what musician career advice people try to tell us, I firmly believe I need to keep saying yes to as many things as possible because each yes leads to another yes possibility, and I’m getting to do some really amazingly fun things here. And I don’t know what the path has been to get here, I just know that I’m on it, I love being on it, and I want to stay on it.

So there you have it. My confession as it were, though I haven’t exactly been hiding it. Yes, sometimes I’m completely overwhelmed to the point of needing to cry it out. And then I take some deep breaths, get a large cup of coffee, check my to do list, and dive in.

The thing about teaching at two different colleges: there’s an end in sight. That’s why January was harder than now—now I’m more than halfway through. I see the end. And while that’s probably not a great way to look at life, I’m trying to save for retirement. I will need a new car, and I would like to buy a viola soon. I also crave respectability, for people to think I’m a good violinist, to think that all the practice I’ve put in has paid off and that I’m making a positive impact on the world (gosh, somebody needs to!) So that means I work as much as I can, for the money, for the fun (being ONSTAGE during the show Chicago last weekend at the Fox theater was SO MUCH FUN), for the glory, and for the career satisfaction. And summer will be easier, and the cycle will continue. At least for awhile longer, and while I can.

I am working on methods of coping, other than writing things down (which is definitely a good thing). Anybody have ideas to share, ways to calm your mind in the midst of periods of great stress and busy times?

Oh, and poor Mackenzie is in a cone for a bit. She had a growth on her face that needed to be removed, and has some stitches now. It won’t be for too long, but to her it feels like forever

Last thought for now: I am fiercely protective of my sleep and try to average 8 hours. That’s probably the best thing that I do for myself every day. Sometimes I’ll have a few days where I get closer to 6 or 7 hours but I try to limit those as much as possible.