Mondays. Mondays are a long day, and this semester has been particularly busy getting going. I did realize that this week means I’ll be about 1/4 of the way through the semester, which isn’t nothing. I also shouldn’t be counting down in that way, but I’m wondering if I need to make some small tweaks and changes in the future to make myself less crazy. I’m not sure what the answer is, because there isn’t anything in particular that I want to not do, it’s just that sometimes it all fits together to make a big mess of scarfing down a peanut butter sandwich while driving and having no time to properly practice.

I did get some good practice in over the weekend, and we also made some good progress on the bathroom remodel. I do think that the remodel has been causing more difficulties in my mental space than I am fully aware, and since I haven’t been teaching at home and have to commute, that adds about 20 minutes per day of extra work that will be gone soon as well. 20 minutes might not sound like much, but in the overall scheme of the week, it adds up. I don’t know.

I feel like I’m just treading water, just holding on right now. I’m happy about what I’m doing, I’m proud of what I’m doing too, but I just feel like I’m playing catch up on quite a lot of things. I am managing though, so it’s not so bad. My email inbox isn’t too behind, I’m mostly keeping up with my to-do list, and I’m mostly putting forth what my students need from me.

We bought plane tickets to New York City for spring break. I’m excited! There are lots of people to visit there as well as lots of sightseeing to be done. Hopefully the weather will be lovely that week as well (I’m sure that’s a less likely event).

I’m finding that playing viola is quite fun and a neat new challenge. You might ask, why are you adding a new instrument when you are so busy and overworked, and the answer is, well, I already agreed to a gig when I was less busy, so I have to “get good” at it. I find myself grappling with weird emotions involving the viola, since my ex was a violist, but my sister Carrie is a violist too, and she’s a delightful person who didn’t spend years making me feel bad about myself. (We’ll just say that while I have moved on, and I am mostly happy with my life, and really glad and thankful for Louie and my current friends, it hasn’t been as easy path, and it’s been difficult to navigate being in the same field, and I suppose I have been hiding from some things!)

But I won’t dwell on things, nor try to make problems. I think everybody who leaves a relationship has their own thoughts on what went wrong, and how to improve, and I’ll tell you: there are times when I think that Louie got really lucky meeting me, and many many other times when I think that I got really lucky meeting him, and many times where we ask ourselves what are we even doing. I know that I bring what I learned into this relationship, and there are many times a day that I am thankful for Louie’s generosity, and grateful for his support, and glad that I’m with somebody who understands why I do what I do, because my career is important to me.

I know I treat my blog more like a journal than a money making opportunity (one of my many failures), and perhaps I shouldn’t overshare, but I also really enjoy putting my thoughts out there. So I’m torn and conflicted, and I am inconsistent. Flawed even, much like Hillary Clinton

Self care is a buzz word these days, isn’t it? Everybody talks about it…but I realized recently I spent a year ignoring the idea of taking time for myself, not my career.

I’ve been trying to do a lot, to really push myself to work hard and accomplish stuff, and that’s all been quite vague and based on who calls and how I feel and making sure that I feel like I’m doing worthwhile things. And I’ve been enjoying that, but lately it’s really been sticking in my head that I am in charge of my life. Duh, you say, but really, when you spend so much time doing things based on who calls or what you get asked to do, or what you get lucky enough to, life feels like it’s definitely out of your control. And I react by trying to control what I can.

But, I can decide many things. I can decide what’s important to me. I am pondering over what to do with the next 20 years of my career and where I see myself then. And while, I really have no idea…I am attempting to imagine it.

And then I’m trying to grab time where I can, like now. This morning I’m taking a little me time to read and relax, and blog.  And then I do a bunch of teaching, and sometimes I dread that, but I’m really coming to some terms and realizations about where my teaching strengths lay and what sort of students I do best with.

What am I reading lately? I’ve been obsessively reading “cozy mysteries”.  I’ve read loads of Mary Daheim’s Alpine series and Bed and Breakfast series, Donna Andrews, Lynn Cahoon, and now working through Leslie Meier’s Lucy Stone books. I find the simplicity and less graphic nature of the cozy mystery genre is a nice contrast to the news and current political stress and strife.

I also find keeping written lists of things that make me feel accomplished is good. I spend too much of my life feeling like an underachieving imposter so I find it’s good to have something to see and say, okay, just because I’m not touring the world doesn’t mean I’m a loser. And I’m reminding myself, often, that I am not the problem if somebody thinks I’m not good enough. And trying to internalize that. I am good enough. I work hard. I play violin well…and I’m reliable and organized and many of my students think I’m funny

One other self care thing: I’ve been using LOTS of moisturizer this winter. All kinds of fancy face lotions, but lots of hand and feet lotion as well. I’m kind of enjoying the fact that I’m getting older, but I want to be a well moisturized 40 year old when I get there.

Oh! The plumbers are here doing plumbing and whatnot. The bathroom project is very behind schedule but so much progress is being made this week. I miss teaching at home and I hope to get back to it very soon. Another reason to just try to relax and take things as they go.

And exercise. Exercise and eating well are important to feeling good. Self care means taking time for those things too. But it’s hard to do everything, isn’t it? I just have to remind myself, often, that I’m worth it Reading, relaxing, working out, eating lots of delicious salads, these are all worth it.

It’s Friday! *cheers*

But I’m a musician and I’m working this weekend. *boos*

Anyway, here we are. Next week I’m full into my regular schedule…I finally got all my college students scheduled (I think, fingers crossed, knock on wood) and I’m looking forward to teaching them for the next 14 weeks. And then it’ll be summer, can you believe it, the time goes so fast?!

This weekend I’m doing a thing tomorrow out at Lindenwood, and then Sunday doing lots of opera opera opera.

My students get to hear opera during their lessons, which has been a wonderful learning experience for everybody. I’m still not teaching out of my house due to some bathroom issues/renovating, so I’m renting a space at the Winter Opera studios. It’s been a good place to teach, though I hate renting space, but it’s working well for us all, and since rehearsals for the upcoming opera are going on, my students and their parents (as applicable) get to hear some of that too. I think it’s good for them to hear it!

Last weekend at the symphony concert there was a health emergency—an older fellow had to be taken out on a stretcher. I guess we’ll never know how things turned out. It was a scary thing to watch, and I especially felt bad thinking of his companions and loved ones! It happened during Augustin Hadelich’s encore, or at least that’s when the commotion started, so it gave a different feel to the Bach D Minor Sarabande.

This Saturday we are seeing the Bad Plus at Jazz at the Bistro. It’s a little trio we’ve seen every year together, but this year they have a new pianist. I’m eager to see how things have changed.

I’ve got a lot going on, both on paper and in my head. I still feel decently relaxed and not super stressed out, but I feel like I’m just waiting for things to really explode. Sometimes I wake up and wonder how long I can manage like this, like, is everybody feeling this busy and stressed out for large portions of their year, or is this unique to me, or unique to freelance musicians? I’m not sure what I’d give up, or what I would add to make things better…sometimes I think my favorite thing to do is lie in bed and read, but I can’t do that all day long, and I can’t get paid for it…but maybe my second favorite thing is playing violin.

What are your weekend plans looking like? I’m glad our weather is a bit warmer this weekend so I think more people will be out and about.

Where is the month going?

This semester is finally starting to take shape. I’m having to make more trips to the college to teach than I would prefer, but I think it’ll mean less crazy busy days and more evenly spaced room to practice, respond to emails, and work out. We’ll see! Right now it’s too cold and icy to run so I haven’t done that in awhile, but maybe in a few days the weather will be more cooperative. (I haven’t had a gym membership in some time, and don’t really want to at this time.)

Otherwise, I’ve been practicing, organizing, planning, and reading. Louie and I haven’t done anything terribly exciting lately, but we did go to the symphony last Saturday night and had dinner with friends the night before. We’ve been homebodies and just trying to get through Game of Thrones-after the last season finished in the fall or whenever that was, we decided to start watching the whole series again, and we are nearly done! It’s been interesting watching it again-I’d forgotten many things, and some of my reactions are different knowing what is yet to come, and I like some characters better and others less.

The bathroom remodel is a little stalled, but things are shaping up for next week. I’m looking forward to picking out tile soon, and I’m REALLY looking forward to being back at home teaching again and being able to use the bathroom on the main floor of the house rather than having to go downstairs every time.

I’m already having to think about scheduling for the summer. We are planning to go to NYC over spring break, and have some ideas for the summer (Japan!) but it’s hard to specifically plan a vacation that far out, yet I need to get my summer schedule set, at least as far as accepting gigs…and it’ll be here before we know it!

I had originally been wanting to do something for my 40th bday, but the planning on that stalled and just seemed too hard at this time. What I wanted to do didn’t line up with what other people were wanting to do, and the dates didn’t work, and then hurricanes hit the Caribbean, and I just don’t know. Also I’m thinking of buying a viola, which would be an expense, and it’s just hard to get everything to work out.

But overall things are good. I feel more relaxed (January is always easier) than a few months ago, I’m staying up to date on work for the most part, it’s not tax time quite yet, and I’ve got some really fun concerts coming up this semester, so…life is good. Other than the cold, but it looks like the week will be warming up. This weekend we are going to see the Bad Plus at Jazz at the Bistro, which is a yearly event for Louie and I.

How is your year shaping up?

I had a nice trip to visit April in Atlanta—three days off work (some of you call that a weekend—I had worked for 60 straight days before that)…and it wasn’t enough. I’m back at it, and I’m exhausted! I am really looking forward to Thanksgiving break, during which I’ll get two entire days off!

Yes, I’m working too hard. But the good news is I’m finally seeing an increase in the bank balance, and I’m really trying to save. I did a little more shopping this fall than last year—mostly updating my “black” wardrobe, with a few other fun items, but I’m feeling better about my financial future than I did a few years ago. Maybe my taxes will go up, maybe I’ll never see any social security (even though I pay into it every quarter, at a higher rate than you do, unless you are also self employed), maybe the world will end in fire, but other than being exhausted and occasionally making totally boneheaded moves like having to email one student three times to get it right…and even then having the email be pretty confusing…life is okay.

I had a few realizations today. One: I spent many adult years feeling lonely. I don’t anymore, even though I wish I had a few more close friends. I feel like I know where I belong, and I have enough meaningful relationships and my romantic partner understands me. Two: I don’t recall what’s it’s like to be bored or have too much time on my hands. I know it’s only November and in August we took 2 weeks off to travel…but that too was scheduled…maybe I really need to figure out a time to focus on self-care (that’s the hot topic, right?) and be able to relax.

Or I just need to make sure I’m eating right, finding time to exercise, sleep, and maintain some relationships well enough. And then the rest is just how it is. This is 39.