I always loved my grandmother’s name. I think it’s such a beautiful name, and you don’t hear it THAT often these days. (I’m thinking Dr. Who, Schumann…but do I know any other Claras in real life?)

My Grandma passed away October 30. I hadn’t seen her in over a year, at my uncle Sam’s funeral the summer before. I could say it’s because it is hard to get away and visit people, but I could have made more of an effort, I suppose. When I lived in Cleveland it was only about a 2 1/2 hour drive so I visited my relatives in the area more often, but since moving to St Louis, and then getting divorced, not having children, and feeling like I didn’t quite fit into my extended family…I guess I just didn’t visit quite as often.

My parents were there with her, and my aunts and uncles, and I know that she knew she was loved, and we knew that we were loved as well. One of my aunts shared that one of the last things Grandma said to her was “I love you all.” My heart especially goes out to all my aunts and uncles, and my parents, for their loss. They had her in their lives for so long and she will leave a large hole, but hopefully that hole is filled with love and all the memories.

I wrote this post on facebook, so I’ll share it here, along with a picture of my grandparents with me and the quilt that Grandma made me. I don’t use it, because of the pets…it’s too beautiful and they would destroy it!

I think this was in 2006 or 2007?

Here’s her obituary.

I feel like some connection to the past has been broken, and that now I am suddenly older and my childhood is so much more in the past. Isn’t that weird? I am so lucky in that both my parents are still alive and healthy, and so of course I still have that connection, but I guess now that they are the oldest generation I feel like I am that much closer to being so…it has made me do some soul-searching and thinking about life, and what I want out of it.

I had a thought recently that I had been seeing my life as a linear path, and realized that all along I’d been making choices, just not quite as consciously as I realize I am now. I keep getting distracted by what other people want, what I think other people want, and what society wants, and not listening so much to what I want. Often I’m not even entirely sure what that is…do I want to lie around in bed and read, or do I want to go out and explore a state park, or see a concert or museum? I don’t want to work all the time, but I do enjoy the feeling of a job well done, and I enjoy earning and having the respect of my colleagues and my students. I guess soul-searching is always a good thing, isn’t it?

I will miss you, Grandma. Thanks for being so warm and loving to your grandchildren, and thanks for all the cookies. I will always carry a part of your legacy in my heart.