I had a conference call this morning. For some of you that might be really normal, but it was definitely outside the norm for me. It’s for a committee I’m serving on for the American String Teachers Association, and I mostly listened—it was really interesting hearing from some “big name” teachers. Hopefully they won’t regret allowing me on the committee! I have been trying to get more involved lately in the “community” of string teachers/private music teachers and this is part of it. I suppose I am also a somewhat experienced teacher and have things to offer as well, but I still feel like I know nothing (like Jon Snow) and that I have SO much to learn.
Then I practiced, taught a student at Wash U and now I’m about to teach a whole bunch of students here at home. If I reflect on it, I am really enjoying my college teaching and hope to have a few more students in the spring. I still love my home teaching, but it’s been pretty nice to get out of the house more often (it pains me to say that) and it’s nice to have to wear shoes. Though it’s also nice NOT to have to wear shoes, so I think it’s the variety that interests me.
Sometimes I feel like I’m not giving anything enough of my time, but I suspect most people feel like that, and so I’m in good company. I’m trying to focus on not getting stressed out and just staying focused and making sure I know what day it is. (Just kidding. Well, sort of. At work this morning I did have a moment of worrying I had shown up a day early.)
The thing is, I really enjoy most of the work that I do. It just has been causing me a lot of stress, for whatever reason. I feel like performing has been extra stressful lately, maybe because I feel like I’ve been holding myself to really high standards. Which sounds ridiculous, but the farther I get from making a living playing music (I’d have to run the numbers, but it’s definitely closer to 1/4 than 1/2 or more that it’s been in the past) the more I feel I’m playing violin better than ever. It either feels like a big irony of life, or that I should be taking auditions. To be honest, the more I talk to people with orchestra jobs, I’m glad I’m not taking auditions. Often they are just complaining or acting like they are loads better than everybody else (sorry guys, that’s how you are coming across to a lot of us freelancers) and it doesn’t make me wistful. I am wistful for more money, but I think that that is a normal human thing 
Probably I sound jealous, but I’m not. I’m happy with how things are going, and I’m looking forward to knowing that the future isn’t going to be as planned, and that’s okay! Whenever I start to feel stuck, life has a way of throwing new opportunities at me. Or I run after them. Is that enough ridiculous metaphors/vagueness for you? I’m not even talking about anything, I’m really ONLY being metaphorically vague.
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