I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and bullet journaling lately and really trying to figure out my next steps. I’m not talking about anything drastic (or am I) but more like, how do I keep the good stuff from this pandemic time of life? In other words, do I want to return to the gigging life that I was doing before, or do I want to just focus on my teaching?

So many of my colleagues have expressed their sorrow and dismay at missing playing music together, and maybe I’m just already so jaded and dead inside (half kidding), but I don’t miss it. I miss seeing people, oh for sure, but I don’t miss the supposed joy of music-making.

I have always been a great lover of playing in a large ensemble/orchestra, and I can remember the feeling of being onstage for my first youth orchestra rehearsal, and my first All-State Orchestra rehearsal, which were my earlier orchestral memories. And so many times since then, I loved playing some fantastic pieces for orchestra, and I had so many wonderful opportunities to perform with terrific musicians and loved so much of it!

But the drudgery was also there, and what was supposed to be a dream job, playing in an orchestra full-time, just wasn’t. It was drudgery, it was something I didn’t look forward to and ultimately, something I dreaded. But I continued seeking great experiences and while freelancing in Cleveland I found some of the joy of playing orchestra again, but also so much of the drudgery.

I’d thought when I moved here to St Louis that I would have a similar experience with orchestra, where it was a lot of fun but also not as fun, but it turns out that instead it was too far to drive to play with a group, and the local group wasn’t interested in me because I had the wrong teacher, and then after that because I was divorced from a member of the group, and so then here I just sat. I played a lot of chamber music, which was often rewarding enough, but it has never been my great love. It’s too dependent on personalities, and I often feel like it’s just an extension of what I do with kids all day long…I teach so much that I’d love to just make music instead of having to convince people how to do something or spend too much time figuring out what’s going wrong and having it be so dependent on me.

I think, perhaps for string players, some of the appeal of orchestra is NOT having to figure out the problem, to just being able to show up, do your best, and let somebody else tell you what to do. Granted, the appeals of orchestra are the same things that cause the difficulties and the drudgery, but it is nice, as an adult, to have a time where things are just not your responsibility. Chamber music never has that, and while that’s also a net positive, it’s tiring.

I have spent so much of my adult life pushing myself to work longer, to work harder, to hustle, to network. And then the pandemic hit, after I felt I was really getting somewhere here, and all the playing work disappeared. And then I just waited, and I taught, and then I realized, oh, no, plenty of people are doing outdoor work, but not me. It didn’t matter, absolutely none of the things I’d done over the past years mattered, and I was absolutely alone in my career. There was nobody who had my back or cared if I ever worked again.

That might sound harsh, but it really is true. There are some musicians who recommend me and call me for this or that now, and some excellent church music directors that I am glad to work with, but nobody really cares. Why should they? If I never perform on violin again, I don’t think anybody apart from my mom will miss it.

So where does that leave me? One, it tells me there is no point is trying to take a whole bunch of jobs in order to end up with the ones you enjoy. No job seems to lead to another job, it’s all negated here in St Louis by the fact that I am not from here anyway, so I might as well only take the specific jobs that I want in the moment and say no to any others. I’ve tried taking all the jobs, and that made people angry. I’ve tried being loyal to certain groups, and that didn’t earn me any points, and I’ve tried taking only the jobs that don’t conflict with other jobs…and it all ended up with nothing. So I think I’ll take jobs I want to do, and mostly not take anything that conflicts with my current teaching schedule.

As far as teaching, I have a busy but manageable schedule as it stands. I don’t think I should take any new students at the time as I’m adjusting to my new morning schedule, haven’t lost any students yet going into January, and don’t know how many college students I have. I may be teaching an ensemble in person at one college, and I’ve added two group classes in improvisation/Creative Ability Development per week, which I’m looking forward to. I have enough going on, probably more than enough, and I need to consider getting back into a practice routine again.

I’m also continuing playing with my band and we are looking to replace Meghan (who moved to Germany) with somebody else, and fingers crossed that continues to be fun. I don’t always love it, especially  not when I’m tired and overly busy, but I’ve enjoyed the music making and the improvisation that I’ve been pushed to do, so it’s a good thing to keep doing. I’m also happy to play some more serious concerts, and I would love to play some shows at the Fox again if and when traveling shows start traveling again (it makes me crazy busy but the pay is great and I really do enjoy it.)

So there are my thoughts on a Sunday morning. I’ve learned over the years that a career is everchanging, and often I think I’ve got things figured out and it turns out either than I don’t, or maybe I did and then things changed. I also find that things tend to work out well enough if you are willing to work hard, and that has continued to stay true throughout all my career changes.

This isn’t a career change, but a mindset shift. I don’t need to operate my career from a scarcity mindset anymore. I’m not desperate for cash, I just need to maintain a steady income like most people, and want to do that in the most fulfilling way.

The last thing I really started thinking about recently was that I have spent too much of my career worrying about what other people think and letting what they think about my career dictate my choices. Nobody cares, except when they are judging what you do, right?Musicians always think their way is best and that people going a different way are wrong or inferior. I’ll just do my thing.

Things are always changing. Every year things look different, and I’m always adding and subtracting. The title of this post says “figuring it out” but of course I haven’t figured it out, but I’m always trying to