I just got home from a long day of rehearsal, teaching, sound check, and a performance. It was a fun day—both challenging and satisfying, with some good conversation, lovely colleagues, and a few interesting lessons. But what a day.

I’m trying to put together my gig schedule for next year and I keep getting offered really cool opportunities, that conflict with other things I’ve done. This is the big conundrum of freelancing: to bail on the first gig to take the second gig? I don’t like doing it, in fact, it makes me sick to my stomach, but I have to sometimes. This is my job, and I am failing at my job if I turn down $3000 (or more) to make $300. It’s hard though, because you want to be seen as dependable!

I was having a hard time making a decision today, until an older colleague who I greatly respect said, well, of course you have to take the other thing, when I was telling her I didn’t think I could play this gig she’d asked me about. And yes, she was right. I have to sometimes put myself and my financial future first, and take the well paying job. Why is this something that makes me feel bad? It was a no-brainer.

I also had to rearrange a quartet concert. This was a hard thing too, because my quartet is my favorite thing to do and I want to be dependable.

I want to be dependable. I always show up early, I’m prepared, I’m ready, I’m dependable.  I’m talking about a job that is 4 months away, and worried about canceling on people.

It’s been a hard year. A good year in many respects, in terms of career opportunities, financial rewards, and things like that, but hard. I’m hoping things get a little easier in the months ahead, though I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach all afternoon, just the stress of it all.

Freelancing will make you crazy.

I shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable with some form of career success. I’ve worked really hard to get where I am, on every level.