It’s been a minute since I blogged, and honestly, it doesn’t feel like it. I feel like time is suspended and none of this is real. Nothing changes from day to day, be it in our government (still no plan, no reason to think that all our social distancing will pay off in any distinct way and that we aren’t simply postponing a time with millions of deaths) or in life. I teach. I work out. I go for walks with Louie. We cook, we read, we watch tv. We order takeout on Friday nights, and on weekends I don’t bother doing my hair or makeup or putting on real clothes. And that’s it.

I started doing a weekly livestream on Facebook. Mondays at 12:30 pm Central. This week I had a weird color problem, but went ahead with it. Last week I didn’t have issues with the color…I swear I did nothing different! Help? (and why do I mess with my hair so much, haha? Each week is a learning experience.)

I am still planning a camping vacation at the end of July to Yellowstone and such. I’m still assuming it actually won’t happen (or won’t be safe) but you just never know. I do love planning trips, and it’s a fun hobby. Louie and I do love road trips, and we love Yellowstone and bison, and wouldn’t it be fun to get away? I suppose it’s possible, isn’t it? Camping and hiking don’t require huge amounts of interaction…but I won’t be sad or disappointed if things fall through, because at this point, that is all we know. We are all used to disappointment and constant feelings of disorientation and sadness. We adapt though, and move forward, and maybe that’s why I was yellow (or green, depending on what you see) in my livestream today…that’s just how I look now.

I’m not going to pretend there are lessons that we have learned during this. I think mostly the bad outweighs any good, and any good we find is simply because one cannot be negative all the time and we must, it is human, to come up with ways to cope and be positive. It is no good wallowing in despair. But we are all on the edge of desperation, waiting for something to change, someone in charge to do something good, waiting for live as we know it start having some semblance of normalcy. And so we wait.

That’s why I’m trying to make music still. I know some musician aren’t feeling up to it, or are too busy with other things. I am always busy, of course, but I don’t want to go 3 months,  6 months, more without practicing and having a reason. It’s been fun preparing for videos and livestreams, and while I am just using my iPhone to create this stuff, it’s fun, it gives me a goal and a sense of accomplishment, I could use the extra cash, and I feel good about it. Though quarantine isn’t about winning or losing, I do want to feel that I continued to make the most of myself, and while it’s absolutely okay that you are relaxing, or struggling, or just barely getting by and you don’t need to do a damned thing, I want to make music for me and I want to make music for you. I am worried if I sit around and don’t perform for six months I will never want to perform again, so I am sticking with it. That’s me.

I taught a student today for the last time, and another last Friday. Both are college students I’ve taught since I started my college jobs, and both are graduating and I’m so proud of them and how much they’ve grown, but I’m sad. I’m sad that we had to finish our semester online, and I’m sad that I won’t get to see them again, and I’m sad that this is happening to everybody.

We are starting to get a storm. I love spring storms though I hope it passes through before my next video lesson…I’m really enjoying teaching these days, for what it’s worth. And the rain will be great for my garden. Positive thoughts, right?

We’ve been getting takeout every other week from our favorite Mexican Restaurant. It’s been good and a semblance of normalcy. There isn’t a lot of mask wearing there and it’s not as careful as we might like, but we wear masks and use a lot of sanitizer, and hope for the best. So far we’ve been fine. I think that honestly in April, I went places 4 times, and took some neighborhood walks. So that’s not much.

How are you doing? Do you feel like I do: sometimes good, other times bad, with not much in between and changing rather quickly, or am I starting to crack up?