Man, the weather today is just gorgeous. If I weren’t recovering from a half marathon that I ran fairly untrained on Sunday (ha!) I would totally be itching for a run. Instead I did upper body at the gym. I upped the weights on my bench press for a couple of sets and felt both stronger and weaker, because that was HARD.

Thanks so much for your comments on my last post. If you’d been reading my blog the whole time I doubt it was surprising but I just wanted to spell it out and clear MY air.

It’s amazing how people react to hearing about a divorce. I most appreciate the folks who just say they are sorry and that they understand how difficult it must be. I least appreciate the people who ask nosily what happened (yes, because of course there is a short and polite answer to how a 14 plus year relationship ended, and naturally I’m going to tell YOU, random colleagues…). One of the best things a friend said right afterwards was that while she knew I was very sad at the time, in 6 month to a year I would indeed be okay, and possibly far happier than I’d ever imagined. I didn’t necessarily believe her at the time, but the hope that she gave me was so wonderfully helpful. Also helpful were the people who offered me their couch, their time, meals and drinks, and just random acts of kindness to let me know they were there for me.

It is still hard for me to read articles that (probably) well meaning people post on various forms of social media about “how to have a happy marriage.” I find most of those articles to be completely ignorant of the fact that many of us in “failed” relationships did the same things, and sometimes it just isn’t enough. Never assume that people getting divorced didn’t do everything possible to try to avoid being in that place (other than say, not getting married in the first place, but gosh, aren’t we certainly pushed to do THAT!) 

But anyway. Enough about that. Like I said, I have a million thoughts, and hopefully the next time I have a friend going through a divorce, or breakup, or another traumatic event, I will be able to give them better help having been through this myself.  Or maybe I’ll just end up giving them the exact help that I would have wanted and it’ll be completely wrong for them, but…that’s the way it goes, isn’t it?

See, isn’t this great? Now I can ramble on and on what I’m actually thinking about, and you can READ it. HAHAHAHAHA. Honestly, I hope I don’t sound bitter, because I’m not. I’m just moving on, and enjoying my life and finding new things that make me happy and satisfied.

I was talking yesterday with a non musician friend who was saying how they thought my career was really interesting. It’s easy to lose the comparison trap in the music world—somebody is always doing something better—but I try to take a deep breath and appreciate what I am doing.

Sometimes the state of my bank account does concern me and I wonder why I do this—but yet!–how many people get to be lower middle class doing what they love? (Is there a middle class anymore? Maybe I’m just poor 😉 )

Running related: I was thinking about it the other night and I realized that there was only one year of running in between my first half marathon and my PR half marathon. So if I really want to try to get better than where I was, it should only take a year or two of consistent running, and it’s very possible, and that I can be better than I ever was. So that’s my new goal, and with this gorgeous weather, it’s certainly easy to want to run! (my knee is being funny so I’m waiting a few more days to test it out…I will tell you guys more about my half the other day, but I felt like doing something different today.)

Violin related: I’m currently listening to Martinu’s Third String Quartet. What a cool piece! I’ve recently started using Spotify to listen to stuff and there is a wealth of great music on there.

Blogging is a weird thing. You want to share a lot about your life, but not everything.

Of course, then you read other people’s blogs and get annoyed at them for not sharing the negative sides of life, but when things are happening to you, you don’t want to share too much…it’s tough to make a balance between being open and honest and being TOO open and honest, particularly when it is something you don’t want all over the internet. Maybe that’s hypocritical, but it’s also smart. Better to put things out there on your own time and with reflection.

This is all to say that you might have noticed I no longer mention my husband on my blog. That’s because we are in the process (what a long process) of getting divorced. It hasn’t been fun, and it definitely is a difficult process, and I don’t recommend it to anyone…but it is for the best. I spent a very long time with him and it’s been incredibly hard getting accustomed to being without him.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without the help of some really wonderful people, many of whom stepped up far beyond what I felt I deserved or needed.

I wanted to get this out in the open, so I can begin to share my thoughts about divorce, and starting over in life, and how things have changed, and how people I thought were friends have reacted, and how people I didn’t realize were such good friends reacted, and just a million thoughts I’ve been holding back on. Now they can all spill out into my blog posts, and I don’t have to cover anymore.

But for today: just to open up and say, yeah, I’m getting divorced. If you didn’t know, or if you wondered, that’s what has been going on. We’ve been separated since June. And I had many reasons for not sharing it on the blog, but I thought it was time to tell you. To make my blog a place I’m comfortable again.

And look, I finished a half marathon yesterday! I’ll tell you about that tomorrow, or soon. It made me really think about how far I’ve come this year, what I’ve accomplished, what I’ve lost and gained, and just how much things have changed.