Deep Thoughts

On being fulfilled

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Life is hard.

That’s what they tell you anyway. Life isn’t fair.

The older I get (and I know some of you scoff at me saying I’m old, but HEY it’s all relative…) the more I realize that’s true.

But you know what. As much as you disrespect my profession…and YES most people do–(At a wedding gig once, “can you play, get a real job?” “I guess you must really like the…flexibility…” “I played bassoon in high school so I could do your job.”)—but

As much as you disrespect my profession, I don’t sit around wondering if I’ve made a difference in the world.  I know I have. I’ve had over 100 students over the years.  I’ve made a difference to all those kids…some more than others. Some will probably remember our violin lessons for their entire lives, and that’s amazing. And a lot of those kids are amazing too and I will remember THEM for the rest of my life.

I also don’t sit around wondering what the meaning of life is. Beyond being “42”…(Hitchhikers’ Guide reference, of course.)

I mean really. Once you’ve played Mahler 2 and Mahler 3, you don’t ponder the meaning of life anymore. You know. You’ve experienced it. Or late Beethoven quartets. Or the opening of the Brahms violin concerto. I could go on.

Maybe I’ll never be rich. Maybe I’ll never even really be happy (because, I’m an artist…I can’t actually be HAPPY because that would be against my grain…against everything I STAND for…I have to be an overly dramatic, narcissist, tortured soul…)…but I won’t wonder about the meaning of life, or wonder if I’ve made a difference to the world.

I know the world is a better place because I play the violin.  I know that the world is a better place because I teach people to play the violin.

You can look down on musicians. You can pretend we are stupid, or frivolous, or that what we do is irrelevant.

But I know better. I know what I do is one of the most important things in the world. I know that I make the world a better place, and that the world is a better place because people make music.

And don’t tell me about my gifts…and my talents. I worked hard to get to where I am. I sacrificed more than you can ever know (unless you are also a musician), and yes…the violin will never love me back the way I love it.  But that’s okay, because my husband understands too.

It’s not a gift or a talent. It’s just…

The only reason to hang around this world, right? And if you’re not a musician or an artist…don’t you listen to music an awful lot anyway? Most people seem to.

Product Reviews

Summertime…and the livin’ is easy

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I confess. I lied. It’s not summertime.

But sometimes you don’t feel like cooking, right? (warning the following is a sponsored post…)

We all know that eating “real foods” is the healthiest. But I’m a diet coke addict, and goodness knows that diet coke isn’t the healthiest. So occasionally I figure, it’s okay to cheat and use a prepared meal. Perhaps a frozen pizza, or a frozen dinner, or a meal in a bag.

I was given the opportunity to try a new line of frozen meals from Healthy Choice, a branch of ConAgra Frozen Foods.

I chose the Grilled Chicken Pesto with Vegetables.

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I was asked to debunk a few myths about frozen dinners. I will give my opinions and thoughts on this—I am not an expert, but I also can’t do exactly what the company wants, because I don’t believe it.

Frozen Food Myth #1: Frozen foods are heavily processed and not made with fresh ingredients.

This was probably fine to eat and is an okay thing to feed yourself and your family on occasion. It’s still a pretty long ingredient list though. (Apologies for the fuzziness of the picture, evidently I was shaking with hunger!)  And it’s pretty high in salt, and in my opinion, low in calories for a meal.  Fresh ingredients? I am sure that part is true—but once they are frozen and heavily packaged I just don’t know how important it is.

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Frozen Food Myth #2: Frozen foods taste like cardboard and are uninspired.

This tasted okay! I added some parmesan cheese though to give a bit more flavor. It was a fun concept for an entree for sure. I would have liked more chicken and more vegetables though.

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Frozen Food Myth #3: Frozen meals are not good for someone watching their weight or trying to eat healthy.

I paired the meal with a side salad for added nutrition. I personally like a bigger dinner and a bit more protein, but that’s a personal thing.  If you are looking for portion control you’ve got it here—portion control can be important for someone watching their weight, and frozen meals have that down pat! If you are trying to eat healthy, sometimes you just don’t have time or energy to do more than heat something up. I wouldn’t recommend somebody eat frozen meals every day, but probably once or twice a week is just fine.

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It doesn’t look too bad plated does it?

ConAgra Foods frozen meals give families access to real ingredients like crunchy, freshly cut vegetables, homemade pasta and ripe fruit year-round. Just like most people blanch veggies before freezing them – ConAgra Foods does too – to help preserve color, texture and keep them fresh!

Give it a try sometime! Marie Callender’s hearty pot pies are filled with tender meat, freshly cut vegetables and Marie’s authentic golden, flaky crust. And Healthy Choice recipes use chef-inspired ingredients like, apples instead of sugar for tart sweetness and a splash of red wine for a punch of flavor instead of added salt.

This is a sponsored post written by me on behalf of ConAgra Foods.

Random thoughts

Another snowy day

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It looks like the weather people were fairly correct. It did indeed start snowing this morning and has continued so far. I will never get caught up on my makeup lessons at this rate. I feel like they are just piling on my head and I am collapsing. (I’m exaggerating, but I’m frustrated with the weather and the amount of times I’ve been sick this semester.)

So today is a day spent at home. I did some practicing for the upcoming Chamber Project St Louis concert and now I’m just relaxing. Chris’s parents are here and Chris is at a concert.  Tonight is likely basketball or a movie. Exciting stuff!

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The weather yesterday on my run. (yes, I’ve been doing some running…oh, and Mike corrected me—I dead lifted 110 pounds, not 105)

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And the weather today. The road in front of our house is surprisingly clear, so that’s a good thing.

Dinner at Trattoria Marcella Friday night was incredible.  I’m considering making a pre-marathon reservation there for Leslie and I, though the night before might be better as far as being more able to eat rich food and drink some wine. 

We had more wine last night at Vin de Set with our friends Sarah and Jason. I especially love when you wake up in the morning and have red wine lips. Scrubbing your lips with the toothbrush to get rid of the wine stains is both exfoliating and strangely satisfying.

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I’m hoping this picture becomes more impressive than right now.  If you follow me on twitter (which you totally should as I’m crazy entertaining there) I’ll keep posting pictures.

Tonight: Crock pot salsa chicken. This is my favorite easy dinner and we wanted to do something in case we got snowed it. Take jar of salsa. Take 3 or 4 frozen chicken chicken breasts. Combine in crock pot. Cook. Optional: add cilantro, corn, black beans, or lime juice. After 4 hours on high/8 hours on low, shred chicken and serve over rice, or in a tortilla, or plain. However you want.

I should do a pinterest worthy picture so you could pin this post for me and I could get famous! But meh. I find raw chicken in a green sauce isn’t necessarily the most appetizing thing. It will be tasty though. I promise you that.

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Hey look.  Music! (Isn’t one trio enough? Why does Schumann have to write such long pieces?)

Deep Thoughts

No one is immune

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All day today I kept thinking it was Friday. That’s probably because I’m not teaching tomorrow and I just have a noon time gig.  But it was weird, because I kept thinking of emails I wanted to get sent before the end of the day because who checks their email over the weekend, right?

Now, to be fair, I do. I have to, otherwise some people get annoyed if I don’t respond right away. But other people take the weekends off. And let’s not get started on the people who call in the late afternoon and then tell me to call back in the evening and then call again the next morning wondering why I didn’t call.  Gee, I couldn’t have been busy until late the night before.  No way.

Where was I? Oh right. Emails.  Friday. But it’s actually Thursday, in case you weren’t aware (though we are just three short hours away from Friday so there’s that.) Tomorrow is a big deal: Chris’s parents (that would be my parents-in-law) come to visit for approximately six days.  We have dinner reservations at Trattoria Marcella for tomorrow night and I’m really looking forward to it. Other than that I don’t know what we’re doing while they are here.  I’m back to work plus extra gigs starting Saturday so I’ll be counting down the weeks until June now…

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This morning I played for a funeral of a man I didn’t know. (This happens when you are a musician. Yes, I can play the violin while crying, thanks for asking.)

I’ve started reading “The Still Point of the Turning World” by Emily Rapp. It’s a fantastic book, written by a woman who lost her baby to Tay-Sachs disease—one of those genetic diseases you learn about in high school biology but statistically figure would absolutely never affect you or somebody you knew.

The other day on NPR Terry Gross was interviewing Emily Rapp and what made me want to get her book was that she said something about how grief and loss are just as much a part of the human experience as happiness and joy—in fact, we are all going to die, and we are all going to lose people we love and people we know, and no one is immune to it. That really spoke to me.

This morning during the funeral I was thinking about that—how the speaker who basically my age, was  eulogizing his dad who died of pancreatic cancer (after a THREE YEAR FIGHT!!!) It could have been me giving the eulogy…this (barring illness or accident) will be me someday (hopefully not for a long time, I’m not wishing anything here of course!)—someday I too will be giving a eulogy for a parent—or sitting in the pew with my siblings watching another sibling do it.

And of course I cried along with the speaker. Nothing makes me cry more than when a guy is crying.

Anyway, the thing Emily Rapp was saying was, people say, oh I’m so blessed or I’m so lucky, and she doesn’t think that’s true. We all experience loss and grief, but that doesn’t mean we don’t also lead full, rich lives that are full of love. No one escapes this.

I know I went from “it feels like Friday, why do people keep calling me?” to “Hey who’s going to die of pancreatic cancer next”…but that’s life isn’t it?

Weight

Dead lifts

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I’ve mentioned how much I love and hate dead lifts before haven’t I?  I love them because they make me feel really strong and powerful.  I hate them because I am fairly incapacitated for a few days after.

Yesterday Mike had me do a whole bunch of them.  We did a couple sets of 8 or 10 (can’t recall, I pay him to count) and then he added weight (I complained) and did another 4 sets of 6.  Afterwards he said it was the most I’d ever done.  110!  I was super proud of myself.  I’ve put on a little weight this year (emotional eating combined with less cardio) and I was feeling very fat going to gym…after the dead lifts I felt STRONG and AWESOME.

Some people will think, wow that’s a lot. Others, huh that’s easy. We are all different—but it was the highest I had ever lifted for so many sets.

I don’t understand people who complain about lifting weights.  I love it!  Bring me your squats, your dead lifts, and your lunges. I love when I’m carrying in all my groceries at once and I realize that a year or two ago I would have been struggling and now it’s totally no big deal.

Of course I woke up last night and my back was super sore, and today I’ve been crazy sore—every muscle in my back (I think, I’m not a doctor) and my hamstrings are starting to really hurt. But I’m still thrilled.  I may be a little heavier, but I’m a little stronger, and that’s good enough for me right now.

Well it’s not entirely. But I’m happy to feel strong.

I could pretend I haven’t gained weight. I’m up about 15 pounds from my wedding weight…I guess it’s the “newlywed 15”.  I’ve had to buy new pants. I may need to buy new running shorts when the weather gets nice. Eating healthy and getting out there for a run has been proven to be a struggle over the past few months.

I think spring will help though. I am over the cold weather, seriously! I’m still going to push myself through the Go Half in a couple weeks though my goal is to finish before Leslie finishes her full (not really—my goal is to finish and not kill myself, and use my lack of training to motivate myself to do better in the future and to remind myself that I am not perfect, life gets in the way, and sometimes it’s okay to just half-ass parts of life when other parts you’ve been giving your all.).  And I’m considering a fall marathon so there’s that too. It’s still a goal I have and I know I’ll have much more time and energy to train over the summer.

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I used this creepy Hannibal Lector style mask tonight. It was scary, but it felt really nice on my face.

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And I’m relaxing tonight, enjoying a rare Wednesday night off—watching movies and drinking wine and hanging out with this fine creature.

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Auditions, Deep Thoughts, Performing

Is that your expert opinion?

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I keep thinking I should write a post about auditions. My casual readers won’t care at all, but musician readers would care. I’m not the Bulletproof Musician though—I don’t have any real advice for you—I haven’t shown tremendous success in the audition world—and I don’t consider myself an expert on auditioning. But I think that’s part of the charm of my blog: I don’t pretend to be an expert on things that I am NOT an expert on. (Many do. I think this is a big problem with the world—too many “experts” and too little actual knowledge.)

What do I consider myself an expert on? 

Well…I’m starting to feel that way about teaching violin.  The more I do it (going on what, 15 years or so now?) the more I feel like I’m starting to know what I’m doing. You say, what, that’s ridiculous, of course you’re already an expert on violin teaching. I say, I am learning every day. I learn from my students what works, what doesn’t work. I learn from talking to other teachers. I learn by reading a couple of blogs and journals. I learn from taking workshops and classes. I will likely never consider myself to be an expert, because I consider myself a constant student. But I do know that I am a better teacher NOW than at any point in the past and that I will only continue to grow. So check back—maybe in two years I’ll say, yeah I’m an expert violin teacher.

I’m really good at playing for weddings. I still get a little stressed about timing and I’m no expert at dealing with brides—I do my best, but people don’t always respond well to me—I tend to have a dry sense of humor and sometimes my efforts to calm people down don’t work! I have a fantastic smile though and often people respond well to that 😉 That said, I’m great at playing the music, I’m great at keeping an eye out for cues and knowing when to start and stop.

I used to be a really good orchestral player. Or at least I thought I was. I probably still am—I just don’t get as much of an opportunity these days. I’m great at playing in a section and I’m a darn good concertmaster for Winter Opera St Louis.  Expert? I’m always improving.

I guess it depends on the definition of expert.  Merriam Webster says the definition of expert is: having, involving, or displaying special skill or knowledge derived from training or experience. 

By that definition, I’m definitely an expert violinist and violin teacher. I have special skills AND knowledge.  Maybe I’m an audition expert too? I’ve certainly participated in enough to consider myself one, and playing for a judge has been a skill I’ve used since I was a young girl, both for violin and piano.

Maybe I’m afraid if I say “expert” that I’ll sit on my haunches and think no one has anything else to teach me? I’m an avid reader (as you know) and I’m constantly looking for more information about life, the universe and everything…I often feel that many people lack the intense intellectual curiosity that I have, but that might just be me thinking I’m smarter than a lot of people.  (I do think that but I’m especially tickled when I realize a friend really is smarter than me!)

So what do you think? Can I consider myself an expert but also admit that I have tons more to learn? I’m sure I can, but I’m hesitant to do so. Or I just have low self-esteem 😉

Really though, we have so many self-proclaimed “experts” in the world.  You see it on other blogs, you see it in the mainstream media. How many of those people are truly experts? Very few! Most just seem to like to hear themselves talk.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I like to read my own writing, which is very similar, but I’m not pretending to be something I’m not.

All that said—I should write some audition posts. I know some readers have asked questions about my most recent experience (which is STILL very raw) and my past experiences…maybe I’ll add that to my blog “to do list”.

 

 

thoughts about violin, teaching, running, life.