Random thoughts

Self-doubt #reverb10

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Prompt: Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

This is a tough one for me.  I don’t consider myself a writer.  I do some writing, I’ve been published (just a little), and I love blogging, but I really consider myself a teacher and a violinist.

That brings me right to the first answer.  What do I do each day that doesn’t contribute to my writing?  What I’m doing right now—telling myself I’m not a writer, telling myself I’m not good enough.  Self-doubt.  So I don’t write. 

Can I eliminate it?  Probably not entirely, but I can try. 

As a child I loved to write.  I also loved to play the violin. So I became a musician…and not just any musician, a SERIOUS, CLASSICAL musician.  And to be a good SERIOUS, CLASSICAL musician I was told to stop doing other things except practicing.  I was told that if I spent enough time practicing then I would be able to succeed and get a job in an orchestra, and then I would be happy. 

So I did that.  I practiced and “succeeded” and got a job in an orchestra.  And I HATED IT. So I left. 

Maybe the orchestra wasn’t good enough?  Maybe I needed to have gotten a better job in a better orchestra?  I kept trying, I kept practicing, I wanted that good job in a good orchestra that would bring personal satisfaction and happiness. But it never happened for me. I wasn’t good enough to get a job like that.

See the self-doubt?  There it is.  I wasn’t good enough to get a job like that. 

That’s a very negative way to look at MYSELF.  Not being good enough.  Not, for instance, saying, I didn’t work hard enough, or had a different personal style, or didn’t deal with performance anxiety very well.  Nope.  Wasn’t good enough.  And for awhile I felt that since I hadn’t achieved my goal, I didn’t deserve happiness.

The fact of the matter is, orchestral musicians are among the most unhappy people in the world (there have been studies, I will try to find a link later.) 

But it’s just a huge bundle of self-doubt that I need to get rid of (in particular, in order to make 2011 the year of HAPPINESS). 

Final thought:  I’m writing right now, even though I am hesitant to use the #reverb10 in the title as I know people will come and read this…and likely judge me NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  But I do it anyway.  Who cares what they think!  I want to share!

I want to write.

Teaching

Grandparent’s Day Recap

My students did terrific in their performance this morning.

When I arrived at the school (about 20 minutes early),  I decided to go around to the classrooms and collect the students’ violins so I could check tuning and set them out.  Two of the students “didn’t know” we were performing today!  Seriously.  I was pretty annoyed at that–I can understand forgetting your instrument, but I cannot understand two kids who obviously haven’t listened to a thing I’ve said for weeks (we’ve been preparing for about three weeks, plus I emailed the parents).

We performed last on the program (there was singing and talking.)  The kids were a little nervous, but they did a wonderful job, and I am very proud of them! I hope the grandparents were pleased 🙂 I know I am–no matter how frustrated I get at them in class, I know it’s worth it when they stand up and perform so well.

I ran 4 miles outside…it was pretty cold today!  I need to get some long running tights.  It was a rough run–I was exhausted but somehow managed to forge ahead.

HBBC:  4 mile run: 4 points, 7 servings f/v: 1 point, total: 5 points

 

 

Food

Cookie Party

Okay, as promised, a few pictures from the cookie party.  Oh wait, I ONLY took pictures of the cookie tables!

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Mine are in the tins far back on the table. 

Andes Peppermint Crunch Cookies (from the bag of chips)

Ingredients:

2 sticks unsalted butter, softened

1 cup dark brown sugar, packed

1/3 cup granulated sugar

1 large egg

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup old fashioned rolled oats

1 cup sweetened grated coconut

1 1/2 cups Andes Peppermint Crunch baking chips

1 1/4 cups coarsely chopped pecans

Directions:

Preheat oven to 300 degrees F.

Using an electric mixer, cream the butter, brown sugar, and granulated sugar until fluffy (about 3 minutes).

Beat in egg and vanilla extract.

On low speed, add baking soda and salt, and then flour. Mix completely.

Stir in oats, coconut, pecans, and Andes chips.

Measure out 2 tablespoons for large or 1 tablespoons for small cookies. Place on lightly greased cookie sheet two inches apart. Press lightly.

Sprinkle some of the remaining chips on top of each cookie.

Bake for 20 minutes for large cookies or 12-15 minutes for small. Do not overbake.

Jam Filled Butter Cookies (from allrecipes.com, modified)

Ingredients:

1 ½ cup butter, softened

1 cup white sugar

4 egg yolks

3 ½ cups all-purpose flour

1 cup fruit preserves, any flavor

1 teaspoon almond extract

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F

In a medium bowl, cream together the butter, white sugar, and egg yolks. Mix in flour a little bit at a time until a soft dough forms. Roll dough into 1 inch balls. If dough is too soft, refrigerate for 15 to 20 minutes. Place balls 2 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheets. Use your finger or an instrument of similar size to make a well in the center of each cookie. Fill the hole with ½ teaspoon of preserves (I usually use a ziploc bag and cut off the corner to make this easier).

Bake for 8 to 10 minutes, until golden brown on the bottom. Remove from cookies sheets to cool on wire racks.

Random thoughts

Day 1 #reverb10

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I received this in my email this morning:

Prompt: One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

I had an early morning drive out to St. Peters this morning so I racked my brain the whole time.  I reflected on the past year, and thought about what I was focused on. 

Health.

That’s really what my year boils down to.  I started a serious workout regimen, lifting weights, running, and more.  I became very focused on my diet, making sure I was using proper serving sizes and providing good nutrition for myself.  Why?  Yes, of course, to look good, but as the months went by, primarily to feel good, to have energy, to be in good health.  And that’s where I am.  I feel better than I ever have! 

So what do I want next year?  I know my answer, but I worry it’s totally clichéd (blogging itself is clichéd, so I don’t know why this concerns me.)

Happiness.

I AM happy now.  But I want to maintain that happiness throughout the year.  Yes, I know there are life events that are out of my control. 

My response and reaction to those events is under my control. 

And I want to choose to be happy.

Random thoughts

New Project for December

I saw this on another blog I follow and thought it looked like fun.  It’s called Reverb 10.  I am going into it fairly blind (I decided not to do my usual overkill of internet research, primarily because I am tired, but also don’t want to spoil it), but it will involve writing and reflecting on my year and what is to come. Each day the participants are given a prompt to follow…

I wanted a new project and this looks perfect.  Hopefully it won’t be too time consuming!

 

Performing, Teaching

Grandparent’s Day

I always get stressed before my students perform.  Tomorrow morning’s performance (at the weekly Chapel, but for a special “Grandparent’s Day”) is at 8:30 am; therefore I am stressed tonight.  Firstly, I have to get up VERY early to be there on time (6:15 to 6:30 am, very early for me).  Secondly, I don’t know exactly what is going to happen so I am not sure how tuning will happen or what the set up is.  Thirdly, there is of course the usual stress as to whether the kids will behave, freak out, etc.  We are only doing a few pieces, but this is the first time I am “performing” for the school and naturally I am nervous for myself as well!  Wish me luck Smile.  It’ll all be over by 9:30 or so…and then I’ll have another week before another student performance.  (This month contains FIVE different concerts.  Luckily I am not in charge of any of them, we just show up and play.)  The kids will be great of course—they have been working hard and we have likely over-rehearsed. 

Today was a day off from work, so I decided to double down on workouts.  I am still within my two week unlimited Bikram time frame, so I figured I should head back and torture myself again.  Wow, it was still very hot!  I had a lot of trouble feeling like I was going to pass out.  Maybe I was pushing myself too hard?  The teacher lectured me after class about not going directly from trying the posture to sitting down (instead, I should stand with arms by sides first) but I really didn’t want to pass out.  I’ve fainted in my life, and I know how it feels when I am about to.  That is not the time for continuing to stand.  She also suggested I should wait to try a posture again until I really feel up to it.  Maybe I will go to a larger, busier class next time so I won’t be the only one sitting out!  (Yes, I know it’s meant to be non-competitive.  Not my forte!)

Then I had a workout with Mike.  First one since Thanksgiving—it was tough but as usual fun.  I am feeling more like myself again after all the butter!  (You know, from stuffing and turkey and pies and cookies).

I also did tons of emailing—I think I’m actually caught up on my “correspondence.”  It’s amazing how much time goes into communication/scheduling with the parents and teachers. 

HBBC:  90 minutes Bikram Yoga: 4.5 points, 1 mile walk: 1 point, 60 minutes cardio/strength workout: 3 points.  Total: 8.5 points.

thoughts about violin, teaching, running, life.