I tell you what, if anybody tells you they want to be a musician or self-employed, ask them if they like working all the time. There’s probably another way, but I haven’t found it.

Thursday and Friday of this week were tough. I felt like I was teaching from the wee hours of the morning (8:45 am) until late at night (8:30 am). Well, I was, actually, on Thursday. And Friday wasn’t much better. I had some time off, an hour here, an hour there, lunch, but it was still exhausting. I keep thinking I’d like to try to do a solo recital in the next year and then I wonder, can I manage with my current teaching load without being crazy? (I have been on a more relaxed performing schedule this year, but I would like to do a bit more and push myself in the next year or two or I’m worried I’ll lose my edge.)

I just want to get ready for Christmas and bake stuff, but it’s still too soon, I think. I never get around to all the organizing and decluttering I want to either…my music library is still not done being organized and I think it’s been over a year (or more?) since I started. The truth is I have too much music for the shelves, so I need either more shelves, or less books, and neither of those things are terribly appealing, so I just sit in limbo. We have to get rid of a few more things in the lower level of the house too, large speakers and old files, and who knows what, but that is also a daunting task, and not one one wants to tackle after a long day of work. We do have to make space for Christmas time though, and all the guests we are having, but that’s on the docket to work on during the Thanksgiving break.

I had taken a break from my bullet journaling but started up the other day. I had been using it to work on growing my business and my life, and then this year I just got tired and relaxed, and while it’s actually been quite nice, I’ve started feeling restless, like others are doing things and I look at them and wish that were me. So I’ve been thinking about my next steps and brainstorming. Of course, I’m also still tired…perhaps not as much long term as simply right now. Then again, sometimes I dream of having a few weekends off in a row, or taking a summer off, or having a week of vacation but not spending it hiking and camping…and I don’t know. Am I doing life right or am I wasting it away trying to force small children to play the violin when we’d all rather be doing something else? Then again, I’ve got a studio recital next weekend and they are always fun and inspiring!

It’s not that I’m feeling particularly down or anything. I’m just pondering. I feel like this is a tough time of life for doing things other than working or hanging out with Louie…everybody else is busy with their own careers, partners, children, etc, and sometimes it starts to feel a bit lonely, I guess. Private teaching can be isolating, and since my quartet is on whatever sort of hiatus we are on, I no longer have that weekly interaction. I see other people still doing things with friends and playing chamber music and such and I get a little jealous. But I will remind myself of the cool stuff I’m doing, and just relax and enjoy myself in this time of life.

I don’t even have any good cat pictures to share with you today. How lame am I?