I don’t know exactly what to write today but I feel like writing. Or blogging, as it’s called in this format. Last night’s rehearsal was something else, and I don’t think I should go into it in a public forum, but it’s making me think quite a lot about people and how we react to one another. And how you don’t ever know what’s really going on inside people’s heads or behind the scenes.
I don’t care about making a lot of money. My career and life choices have never been based on that, and instead are based on personal fulfillment and making the world better. And I would never allow someone to make me feel bad about not having a lot of money, because that just isn’t something important to me. (Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to make a lot of money playing the violin, but I chose violin over money.) Yet…I’ll let someone make me feel bad for something else, and the premise is the same. For instance, I might allow someone to make me feel bad about not having kids, or not being in the symphony.
ANYWAY. I’m not honestly sure where I am going with all of this, because there are so many things I shouldn’t say, and I’ve deleted more than I’ve left. And what I’ve left doesn’t even make sense on it’s own, but whatever. It’s my blog, and you already don’t expect it to make sense. The good thing is writing has solidified a few thoughts in my mind and I’m (again) ready to move forward in a positive way.
So that brings us to the next topic of conversation. Cats.
Look carefully and you’ll see two kitties eating. In the same area, and they both just dug in and didn’t fight! Small victory, but a victory nonetheless. Things are simpler and calmer around the house with only the two cats and one dog. And yes, simpler and calmer is a good thing.
I know what you mean. I’ve allowed myself to feel bad on all those accounts for most of my adult life (not having kids, despite being married for forever; not playing in a major orchestra; and shamefully, I’ve even felt bad for not making “enough” money). people can be unkind and insensitive–and not even know it. I’m still learning to stay focused on just myself and not even waste time wondering what’s going on in someone else’s head or why they said what they did..and what did they mean by it?!?! Waste of time.
On the kid subject, after 8 + years of marriage we are finally having our first, and as excited as I am, I am also now feeling the stresses and pressures of everything a kid brings. The cost, the worry–all of it. So remembering all those people who gently made fun of us for being childless in the past, I now look at them and think, “the picture you painted was NOT complete”. I do resent having been looked down upon for not having children up until now so I will never look down on anyone else for choosing that for themselves (or maybe it’s not a choice, who is to judge). It’s a huge responsibility. As far as playing in a major orchestra, the outside world has no idea how difficult it really is to get into one. I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that I’m not willing to practice enough to even make it to an audition, and I’m okay with it. I get stressed enough already playing in rinky dink orchestras and not wanting to make a single mistake. So if the only reason I’d want to be in a big orchestra is to gain respect from my peers or others… then screw that. Respect me for who I am, not what my profession is or how much $$ I make.
can you tell these are pressure points for me, as well 😛
Good luck. Haven’t commented in awhile, but still read your blog!
Yeah, the child thing is complicated. I could probably write a million posts on it, but that would make me sound crazy. I’ll save them for my deathbed. And btw, congrats on your pregnancy–I’ve been reading your blog too and have been terrible about commenting. Thanks for reading!
Judge not, right?
Do you think the things you let people make you feel bad about are the ones that bother you because in some ways you feel bad about them too? Most of the things that rub me raw hurt because there’s already a bruise there.
But the people who intentionally make other people feel bad, that’s just shitty. And +1,000 about never knowing what’s going on in someone else’s life/behind the scenes.
I hear you about the bruise. I’d say that’s most definitely true. People hurt us most when we already hurt a bit! And I’m sure I’ve been guilty of unintentionally making people feel bad about a variety of things…it’s hard to think before you speak sometimes.
How long did it take 2 kitties to get along???
Well, I wouldn’t say get along exactly, but let’s see…over 7 months?