I found myself completely exhausted all weekend. I did quite a few things too, but just wanted to lie around and read. I feel like maybe I’m fighting off a cold or maybe it’s just burnout. I think I’ve been getting enough sleep and exercise, and trying to eat well.

In any case, here we are again at a Monday. How does this happen? Like, seriously, where does the time go? It’s nearly the end of February and I feel like it just started. Even the weeks that I don’t think are that busy, are. I counted up and I’m teaching about 30 hours this spring, so that might be why things are so hectic. You may think that doesn’t sound like much but remember that’s not all I do for work, and for every student there is some outside work/planning and admin, which adds up. And then I have practicing, and rehearsals, and gigs. Three out of my five weekdays are insanely busy and the other two are very light and manageable, and I can’t decide if it’s better that way. The crazy thing is that the college semester is nearly half done already—we are on week SIX of 14 which is also crazy.

So the gist is, I feel tired and a bit like time is just flying by and I’m just barely keeping up. On the other hand, I feel totally on top of things…I just feel like all I’m really doing is working and that I am not enjoying or appreciating life as much as I could be.

Then again, I spent the weekend preserving stuff. Louie is out of town and I figured since I was on a learning curve with how to preserve and pickle thing, I should push ahead and get more practice with stuff while I had the chance. So I made cauliflower pickles, apple butter (one jar didn’t seal), coffee apple jam (my first recipe using pectin and I’m not sure how well it turned out) and a triple citrus marmalade that made my dry hands sting like the dickens while cutting the fruit but might be my favorite thing. I also preserved a jar of meyer lemons for cooking this spring/summer. I’m not sure why I’m so into preserving right now, but oh well I decided to just go for it. I suppose I’m avoiding practicing or having friends or something. There’s something about making things that not everybody knows how to that is very satisfying. It is probably the same with cross stitch—it’s neat having things around that you have made yourself. Maybe it’s a mid-life type thing and wanting to leave my mark on the world in some way.

I am feeling guilty for not attending the Wash U orchestra concert last night. I meant to, and planned to, and then just couldn’t do it. I was too worn out and needed the night to recuperate and not work for a day. Even though attending a concert is ostensibly not working, it still is. I do like to encourage my students, and I know some teachers are like family members to their students, and I just am not that sort of teacher. Maybe if I cut my studio in half, or stopped doing playing gigs, but I am who I am, and I love playing.

I am looking forward to Spring Break and having a few days off from teaching. It takes a lot out of you, always trying to figure out the best way to relate to each student and help them learn the best they can. Sometimes my students just want to chat and avoid playing entirely! Other times they can’t wait to show off their hard work and other times they are desperate for my help to figure something out…but then often ignore my advice on how to practice because it sounds like a lot of work!

I told Louie last week I’d love to just quit working and spend my days cooking, doing stuff around the house, reading, etc. He said I’d probably start hating it, and I said sure, but not for a week or two at least! I do feel like I just had a vacation, but I need another one. Or a sabbatical. How do other musicians keep going all the time? I feel like I’m constantly being pulled in different directions and that there are always people wanting things from me, and sometimes I just need a break, but I’m not sure how to really take a break. Even on a day off I end up having to send emails, fill out paperwork, and practice (that was yesterday) and then feel guilty for not doing all the things I’d planned!

I probably am doing just fine though. Don’t we all have too much on our plates, and yet we soldier on? I will try not to worry about whether I’m meeting every need of every student, or being the best violin teacher ever, and simply be the best I can be, meet my needs, and do the best I can for my students.