Some people say it doesn’t matter what day it is. I guess I should be grateful that my students keep me grounded. I need to know what day it is so I know who to call when.
Normally this would be a very busy week, full of church services. I still have them in my calendar, I guess so I can see what I lost. It’s not only the money, it’s actually quite a lot of fun to play where I’ve been playing the past few years—doing a few nights in a row with some of the same musicians gives a real sense of camaraderie and makes life feel different from the normal day-to-day.
We are doing (I think!) an online Seder with Louie’s family tomorrow night. I guess the advantage of not having as much work is that I am more available for things. The disadvantage is that we are just at home all the time, obviously.
I did end up deciding to do my own grocery shopping yesterday instead of having it delivered. I got to choose my own items that way. There was no toilet paper, but there were paper towels and a large variety of pasta. I wore an old surgical mask we had on hand and I hated it the whole time, which made me hurry home.
I made a video yesterday of myself playing one of my favorite movements of solo Bach. It feels intimidating putting these things out there: it’s the feeling of “I’m not good enough to share with my facebook friends” in particular, but I want to continue to share my music and I want to continue to push myself and do things that are difficult beyond simply going to the grocery store.
I’m also enjoying watching everybody else’s videos and things they share online. It makes us all feel connected more in these difficult times. Every time I start to feel okay something will remind me that I’m not and that we aren’t. All of this most likely could have been avoided, and yet here we are. Struggling at home, struggling to get basic supplies, people refusing to stay at home and putting more at risk, grocery store workers who are typically maligned as unimportant putting themselves on the line to earn their hourly pay which obviously should have been higher this whole time, doctors not being provided with proper protective gear because our government is too busy buying it to sell it to middlemen who then make hospitals and states bid for it at a higher price…the whole thing seems surreal and unreal and all of those things and here we are, just stuck at home for who knows how much longer.
They officially canceled the Paris conference, which wasn’t a surprise. I think how 6 weeks ago we were just looking forward to things this summer…and people in government did nothing to mitigate the threat coming our way, except for those that sold stock and bought other stocks in order to financially capitalize on their knowledge. But other than those people, others did nothing, and others did worse than nothing, such as our loser president, who lied and minimized the threat in order to what, make more money and gain more power? In order to try to get re-elected, or to “stick it to the libs” or what? Someday historians will look back on this time and see what could have been different, but we are living it, and even living it we see what could be different, but instead it is how it is.
This should be a week to be looking forward to summer, to be enjoying the fine spring weather, to enjoy dinner on a patio at a nearby restaurant, to be planning a wonderful summer of travel to various places and to see family members, to be counting down the weeks left in the semester until my schedule frees up, but knowing that this hard work now pads my bank account to make it through the lean summer months and to be able to afford a vacation and the time off that takes since I don’t get paid to not work. All the people who canceled their weddings, all the church services canceled, the concerts, etc, canceled. Nobody pays the freelance musicians for not working.
If you are reading my blog you might think I am angry all the time. I’m not, but I’m angry now. I let it go and go about my day. I’m making baba ghanoush today. I’m going to work out. I have a few hours of teaching (well, that’s even an understatement), and we will eat a nice dinner and watch an episode or two of Ozark afterwards. But that’s not what I want to do every night. To me, that isn’t a life well lived. I don’t want to spend every night, every day, every weekend at home. We are all making sacrifices. I had so many concerts I was looking forward to seeing, to playing…it’s all gone now. I suppose this will pass, but when? We are so looking forward to seeing Hillary Hahn with the SLSO this September—will that be canceled? Likely: how can we have large gatherings of people then, without a vaccine? I think of trump saying “what have you got to lose?” Little did we realize (well, many of us did realize, but we didn’t specifically imagine this) that what we had to lose was more than simply our lives, it was everything about life than made it worth living. That’s what we have lost lately. And yes, I know people are sick, and don’t you worry, I’m angry and worried about that too, more and more. So many have been sick and so many have died and more will and it is just absolutely horrifying and terrible.
I stopped there for a few hours and took a break. I did a video workout. I made baba ghanoush and roasted some tomatoes for a salad for later. I took a short walk around the neighborhood and read a book during lunch. I taught one student and now have a bit of time before the rest of my teaching day continues.
It’s hard to deal with all the emotions we go through on a daily basis. I know I need to read less news, but I keep thinking, well, I need to be informed…if we are stuck at home indefinitely I owe it to myself to know what’s going on. But the truth is, it’s all very upsetting, and yes, contrary to what many have said in the past, this all does affect our daily lives in a negative way and there’s no avoiding it. But whether this person was fired, or this person knew and sold stock, or this person is abusing the office of the presidency for personal profit and a whole bunch of people are allowing it…at this point it doesn’t affect my day to day life. My day to day life is what it is now, and what can affect it is my attitude. I was reading a bit of a blog post by Gretchen Rubin of the happiness project about writing a letter to yourself to be read after this is over about what you’ve accomplished. I know many are struggling with being laid off or dealing with kids, or of course, are sick or have loved ones who are. But it’s easy to say, oh, we are in a pandemic, I might as well not work out or eat vegetables because this is a stressful time. And the truth is: life is full of stressful times. Yes, nobody will care if you lost or gained five pounds when you are dead. But what if how you treat your body right now means that you might live longer? Or that the life you live is of a better quality because of decisions you make now? So that is keeping me on a good workout regiment (after all, I often postponed things because I didn’t have the time, and I have time for a lot of workouts on most days now) and we are trying to eat a lot of good healthy foods. I keep thinking there might be a time we can’t get good fresh vegetables and fruits and so we keep eating more of them than ever. And then at the end of the night, maybe I’ll have a treat—a piece of chocolate, a glass of wine, and that might be a bit more often than normal, but the day’s activity and diet allows for it. We are eating out less, we are eating healthier than ever (and better tasting), and I am moving a lot more than I often am able. I will come out of this stronger and healthier than ever, and that’s my hope. I also hope that if I catch Covid that I am in a healthy place to fight it off. Yes, I’m anxious and prone to get depressed, but I’m always anxious and prone to get depressed, so I am well equipped to deal with actual adversity in my life.
I am excited about dinner, and I’m excited to see my Tuesday students. I find teaching online to be generally less stressful than teaching in person. I don’t have to worry about people coming to my house before I’m ready, or staying too long. Sometimes students show up really early and it interferes with my ability to get other things done. I ask them not to but often they do anyway. Now I just call them when it’s time! I have to think about how to continue my control over my schedule in the future…it really helps me relax when I know nobody is going to show up early, and while I know sometimes they need to use the bathroom or perhaps they want to unpack so they can be ready to start their lesson on time…maybe I just need to say, yes, you can come in 5 minutes early to unpack and such but absolutely no more than that under any circumstances, even if I’m already teaching and if they do, charge them for the extra time? What would you do? With online teaching, these stressors are gone. I like to have my schedule set and then be able to transition from what I’m doing before I teach (often practicing, but sometimes eating lunch or trying to do household chores, running errands, or commuting) and worrying about being interrupting OR being interrupting ruins this. And yes, I have asked people directly not to come in early, and for the most part, this doesn’t work either. So that’s another reason I find online teaching to be less stressful. The other reasons I am not sure why, I just find it easier. It’s easier to keep the student’s attention, and like I’ve said, it’s likely that the rest of my schedule is much lighter so I’m just not as tired and worn out as usual. It’s an odd combination of feelings: far less work stress yet far more financial stress and worry about the general state of the world, plus the worry about the virus!
Anyway, this post has gone on long enough, I’m sure. I don’t even have any good cat pictures to add, so I’ll just sign off. Thanks for reading my ramblings!