All posts by hannahviolin

I am a violinist. I also enjoy running, working out, reading, and hanging with my friends and cat.

Freelancing will make you crazy

I just got home from a long day of rehearsal, teaching, sound check, and a performance. It was a fun day—both challenging and satisfying, with some good conversation, lovely colleagues, and a few interesting lessons. But what a day.

I’m trying to put together my gig schedule for next year and I keep getting offered really cool opportunities, that conflict with other things I’ve done. This is the big conundrum of freelancing: to bail on the first gig to take the second gig? I don’t like doing it, in fact, it makes me sick to my stomach, but I have to sometimes. This is my job, and I am failing at my job if I turn down $3000 (or more) to make $300. It’s hard though, because you want to be seen as dependable!

I was having a hard time making a decision today, until an older colleague who I greatly respect said, well, of course you have to take the other thing, when I was telling her I didn’t think I could play this gig she’d asked me about. And yes, she was right. I have to sometimes put myself and my financial future first, and take the well paying job. Why is this something that makes me feel bad? It was a no-brainer.

I also had to rearrange a quartet concert. This was a hard thing too, because my quartet is my favorite thing to do and I want to be dependable.

I want to be dependable. I always show up early, I’m prepared, I’m ready, I’m dependable.  I’m talking about a job that is 4 months away, and worried about canceling on people.

It’s been a hard year. A good year in many respects, in terms of career opportunities, financial rewards, and things like that, but hard. I’m hoping things get a little easier in the months ahead, though I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach all afternoon, just the stress of it all.

Freelancing will make you crazy.

I shouldn’t have to be uncomfortable with some form of career success. I’ve worked really hard to get where I am, on every level.

Camping at Babler State Park

Since today was my first day off from college teaching, Louie and I decided to take a short trip to celebrate. Since we try to make life so much harder than it needs to be, we made a reservation to camp at Babler State Park, which is about 40 minutes away. We wanted to take the dog, Mackenzie, along, since she is getting older and we thought she’d enjoy being outdoors and camping, and also having us to herself (away from Muriel the new cat.) We almost canceled the trip after we realized Muriel had a little bit of recovery to do after her spay surgery, and then when the weather looked iffy, but we decided all would be well.

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The other reason I wanted to get out for a night of camping, besides relaxing and getting outside before it gets toooooo hot, was to check on our gear situation before taking a longer trip this summer. It’s easy to forget what problems occurred, so I thought we’d have this trip to remind us of what we needed. Basically we are in good shape, but there are always a few things here and there to make life easier.

My years of camping experience have taught me how to interpret a campground map as best as possible to figure out what site to reserve in order to best meet our needs. Since we tent camp, we want privacy and shade, or at least as much of each as possible. I’m diligent in my searches, looking online for exact site numbers, looking for pictures of the site, comparing the availability, seeing which sites are MORE popular, and therefore likely better. Since this was only night, I wasn’t too concerned, but I’m pretty sure I got the best site in the campground, or at least one of the best. The only drawback was that it was very far from the restrooms, but it was very close to water, had lovely shade, privacy on three sides and was below the road a bit too, so I’d say we did well. Site 68 at Babler State Park, if you are keeping track.

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You know I love taking pictures of my tent in various locations.

Let me back up just a little, since you know I hate to stay on topic too much. Since I’m done with my college teaching for the semester (15 more hours a week, I believe) I’ve already forgotten how hard it was. This happens immediately—as soon as I have a relaxing evening or afternoon I tend to forget how awfully stressed out I was. This is a good sign, I think, but looking back a few weeks, Louie was saying he wished we could get out and about more, that we used to do a lot more outdoor activities. So we planned a trip—we figured even though I’m going into a few busy weeks (playing a two week run of a musical) we’d take a day and do something fun. I realized we could get away overnight and the plan was hatched!

I ended up of course teaching in the morning before we left and then of course had to get back to teach today, but nonetheless we were able to get away. Packing the car for camping is no small feat (and unpacking) but luckily some of our systems were in place and most of the gear was in one box and ready to go. We did forget a few things but nothing we couldn’t live without.

We got to the campground around 4 pm and check in was easy. We bought firewood there, and then set up the tent and the campsite. It was a little sloped and we weren’t exactly sure the best place for the tent, but overall it was lovely. We were at the end of the road on a cul-de-sac, and while we did end up with neighbors across, it was still pretty private.

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After we set up, we wanted to take a short hike. I’ve been having a little knee trouble, and Mackenzie doesn’t like walking too much so we picked a short hike—Steve Henry from 60 Hikes within 60 Miles of St Louis said it was his favorite though, so we were okay with our choice. We went on the Hawthorne Trail, which was about 1 1/4 miles.

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After the hike we headed back to our campsite and relaxed a bit before dinner. I’d brought Trader Joe’s vegetarian chili for dinner and popcorn for dessert…we made a campfire (well, Louie did) and relaxed a bit first.

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Mackenzie couldn’t figure out how to get comfortable (not much grass on our site—they’d put down a lot of straw to cover the dirt, but we didn’t think of that) so she kept pacing around, giving us these looks like, are we heading home soon?, and finally ended up napping in the backseat of the car. Then the storms started. We couldn’t relax because it kept raining off and on, off and on. It wasn’t anything terrible, just the edge of a storm or two that was passing through, but Louie and I kept going into the car, then back out by the fire, and the car, the fire, etc. Finally we realized we might as well just make dinner—we could always hold an umbrella over the stove if needed, so we did that. The rain held off long enough to make the soup, and then started up again. Finally it seemed to be a long enough time without rain and we were able to enjoy the campfire. Fascinating story, right? But the moral of the story is: always be ready for rain. It will likely rain.

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This is the other view of the campsite.

Anyway, we finally decided to just go to bed. Note for those camping with an older dog: make sure the pad you brought for her is working. We brought an older inflatable pad for her to sleep on, but it wouldn’t hold air. She was antsy all night until finally she squeezed at the foot of the tent on the thermarest and sleeping bag combo and then she was comfy! Other note for those camping or hiking: it’s definitely already tick season…

Oh, and another thing: camping so close to St Louis, it never really got dark. We kept expecting it to get darker, but it never got totally dark. And before we went to bed for the night, we did hear something bigger in the forest, moving around, but didn’t see anything. So that was a little fun and exciting!

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Anyway, we slept well enough, and then got up around 8:30 am. The weather was nice—not too hot, not raining anymore, and we made coffee and oatmeal, and then packed up. We thought about trying to do another short hike, but I think we overestimated what Mackenzie was up for, so we thought maybe she’d better just get home…so we drove home, unloaded the car, and then got back into the workweek. It was a nice diversion and quick overnight trip.

Since there weren’t any photos of me in this post, let me include one from last week after I got my hair done–

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That’s totally how I looked while camping as well.

Car troubles

I did a lot of driving last week, as I was playing with the Illinois Symphony, which rehearses in Springfield but also does a concert in Bloomington, Illinois. Those places are not super close to St Louis.  We had a great concert though, and it was super fun to play with an orchestra…playing in an orchestra full time used to be my dream job, and I still absolutely love a big orchestra.

On my drive home, south on I-55, traffic came to a standstill, for nearly an hour. I could see trucks and sirens up ahead, and, ultimately, a lifeflight helicopter landed, and then took off a bit later. It’s always a bit sobering to see these things, and to think how in an instance, everything could be totally different. Once traffic got moving we drove by the scene, and there were at least four cars, all kinds of smashed up and crushed and wrecked, and it was a hard thing to drive by and think about. It really makes you drive more alertly for awhile, and it makes you realize how freaking dangerous driving is. It is seriously the most dangerous thing we do every day!

Then today, after teaching a few students at Wash U, I get out to my car, and nope, it won’t start. I was glad this didn’t happen while I was at rehearsal in Illinois or something, but it’s always a bit frustrating. Louie came to help and tried to jump it, but that didn’t take, so I called AAA. They sent a tow truck, but luckily the driver was able to jump it (he said he had a more powerful starter than just jumping from one car to another) and I was able to drive to the mechanic instead of being towed. It ended up being a small issue, thankfully, but I did end up missing one student and having to postpone taking my violin and bow into the shop for repairs. Louie is bugging me to get a new car, but I’m cheap and stubborn…and I like my car!

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I wonder how much productivity gets lost due to various car troubles?

In any case, thoughts from my last post…I had a commenter tell me to stop worrying about what people think so much. On the one hand, that means I should ignore her comment. On the other hand, this is an excellent point. I had a great time in Illinois not worrying about what people thought and just doing my thing, and I think it definitely is something that I should focus on. I have spent a long part of my life trying to please other people, and the sad truth is that nobody cares. The people that don’t like me or don’t like my playing aren’t going to, and the rest of the people will no matter what. I don’t have to care about that first group.

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Then again, I’m not going to stop striving for perfection in my playing. But I’m going to do that for me. And well, for my audience so that they feel like they got their money’s worth Winking smile

One more day left of college teaching! I finished up at Lindenwood, and it doesn’t exactly feel real yet. But today is my last Wash U day, with juries and all that, and then I’ll really have more time. My fun focuses are practicing and working out (I promise those are fun things!) and I also have plans to organize and de clutter the house. As one does, right?

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From a year ago…finished up then too! I think I was less overwhelmed that semester than I was this semester, but I’m nonetheless relieved it’s done!

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Definitely still enjoy coffee and light hearted mystery novels! And playing, and teaching, and all of that. I just maybe need to cut back a little on teaching…I’ve got a couple quitting, and while it’s not that I’m GLAD they are quitting, because I’m not, I’m not eager to replace them. I think I end up having to reschedule so many that losing a few won’t even affect my income!

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Planning for May lessons and the summer schedule…I do my best thinking by hand, even though I use an electronic calendar.

This blog post has actually taken more than one day, so I think it’s time to publish. I’m off on another errand, then teaching, juries, teaching, and perhaps avocado toast for dinner.

Winding Down

My quartet’s concert on Tuesday went quite well! And we had a nice audience, and even got a standing ovation afterwards. It’s hard, teaching full time plus and trying to practice to maintain a high level of playing too…it definitely adds to my stress levels.

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We saw the Calidore Quartet play at Wash U on Sunday night, and it was so inspiring and wonderful watching a world-class quartet perform. Of course I had a lot of emotions during the performance, ranging from relief that I wasn’t playing on the concert (ha) to a bit of jealousy at how much time they likely have to practice and rehearse, and also simply enjoying the intense musicality and emotions from the music. I need to take more time to attend and enjoy concerts. I need to change a few things.

Louie and I were talking the other day and he suggested our problem is that we try too hard, that we need to just allow ourselves to be “good enough.” I tried to take this thought to heart going into Tuesday’s concert. I relaxed in the afternoon a bit rather than drilling some spots in the Schubert (Death and the Maiden) and who knows, I missed a few things, but I might have missed them anyway. I don’t have enough time to practice as much as I would need to to guarantee hitting everything (or a higher percentage) so I just have to do my best. I am a professional musician, but when you have 47 students sometimes something has to slide! Or at least I’m trying to convince myself of that. It’s like I’m worried that all my former teachers will come out and tell me I’m a complete disappointment and a failure at life.

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I want to just be a positive person and not compare myself to others and not compare others to myself, and simply enjoy my life experience…but gosh it’s hard.

I’m so happy to be done with the concert on Tuesday.  And I finished my 100 days of viola practice on Instagram!  Now I don’t have anything pressing on the calendar to stress over, so I can practice in a relaxed manner, I can play etudes and scales (I love them!) and I can (next week) take my violin in to figure out why it’s making weird noises. I can also read and relax, work out, hike and bike perhaps, cook more, see friends, and perhaps even respond to some emails that have been lingering for awhile (there are so many work things to do even still that I just have to chip away and again, be good enough.)

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Oh, after this weekend that is, because I’m headed up to Springfield for the Illinois Symphony. It’s not a stressful thing but it does take up all my time. Brahms First Piano Concerto with Stephen Hough and Beethoven Sixth Symphony. I’m looking forward to playing this concert, even though it’s a bit of a drive and a time commitment, and I feel a little guilty for skipping so many lessons and taking so much time to do it.

As you can tell, I’m liking the idea of trying to be “good enough” but have a lot of work left to put it into practice. I do need to take the summer to seek more balance in my life (and just relax more) and then figure out how to make the fall work well with a little less stress and angst. I made it through this school year, but this spring semester has been incredibly tough and I don’t know that I wish to repeat it.

In any case, things with new kitty Muriel are good, Louie is doing well and almost done with his semester as well…and after Wednesday I’m kind of sort of on summer vacation, so life is really looking up!

The end is near so come to our concert

The end of the semester, that is…

Since I teach at two different colleges, that means the end of the semester is a big deal. I’m finishing up all kinds of lessons and stuff in the next two weeks and then, by my figures, I’ll be dropping about 15 hours of work and driving time from each week. This is a significant thing. You might say, oh my gosh, what will you do with all your free time, but the real question is, how did you have 15 hours to give to those students and those jobs? The short answer is: I don’t know, and this is why I did a lot of crying in January and February.

I posted on twitter yesterday in response to a question about work –life balance, that I would love to have more free time and get paid work for the work I do so that I could do less work. But the truth is probably that I would simply fill up that free time with more work, as I’m constantly seeking career and musical satisfaction.

However, the truth of the matter is that I’m possibly seeking things I already have found and just piling on my stress. I’m going to try to “take it easier” this summer. My first step was to give myself two weeks of vacation at the beginning of June—we are taking a trip and also having some visitors and I’m not teaching or doing anything violin related during that time (with perhaps one or two necessary exceptions). Then I’m just not doing as many things this summer—well the colleges are off and so that is just not an option, and I’m going to try to relax and recharge, get in shape, practice, do stuff around the house, and get outside and do fun stuff too.

I’ve started a new workout routine. I say started as I’m on day two, but I’m doing the blogilates videos online. They are pretty silly, but I have always wanted to be better at pilates moves, and I’m sore, so I think so far this is a success. I’ve been having some knee pain since our NY trip so I don’t want to run yet, but I wanted to make myself move more. I think I can commit to about 30 minutes a morning, which is all that this takes, and I know it will be good for me.

I’m nearly done with my 100 days of viola practice on instagram. I haven’t done as much time as I’d like, but isn’t that how life is? I really only manage to practice my primary instrument 1 to 2 hours a day on average, so it’s hard to squeeze in another one. The trick is consistency and practicing smart. I realized recently I think I’ve developed my own practice techniques for violin, that might not work for everybody but they do for me—lots of things like, let’s slow practice this part now that I don’t need to play until later, and then when I come back to it a few weeks later it is magically better. I don’t know how it all works, but I suppose after 35 years of violin practice things stick around in some way. My violin is buzzing even more than normal and I’m not sure what to do, because I don’t have time to take it in until later, so I’m just pretending that it will go away, and hopefully it will. I’m borrowing a viola from my sister Carrie and it’s very lovely. I need a better bow but my first attempt at trying something new fell through and I haven’t made the time for a new attempt yet.

A few Muriel pictures before I go to tackle a few items on my to-do list before my private students arrive (I was supposed to teach 4 college students this morning and only ended up teaching ONE)…

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She’s a little bit of a jumper!

Oh, and this Tuesday, my quartet is playing at the Sheldon. It’s our last concert this season and we are super excited about it.

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Fan Favorites at the Sheldon: Beloved Chamber Music of Schubert and Ravel

There are certain pieces in the string quartet repertoire you just can’t help falling in love with. We’ll start with Schubert’s emotive, stormy string quartet titled “Death and the Maiden”, a favorite among generations of string quartets.
When the young Maurice Ravel penned his singular string quartet, he pushed the boundaries of musical form and incorporated diverse influences including Balinese gamelan music.  Initially scorned by the musical establishment, his quartet is cherished for its evocative tone colors and musical atmospheres that create a dazzling effect.

​Tuesday, April 24, 2018 at 7:30pm
Sheldon Concert Hall
3648 Washington Blvd, St Louis, MO 63108​ Directions
Tickets: $10 at the door

Muriel the Cat

Oh my goodness, where DOES the time go? I have been too busy (not as a badge of honor, more of a running around screaming sort of thing) but the semester is almost over! I should probably sit down and reevaluate my life choices but I simply don’t have the time.

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I did have the time to get a new cat though, on March 31. We named her Muriel and she is about 1 year old. She’s a sweetie, and she is such a stereotypical cat: she gets into everything, she climbs on stuff, she knocks some stuff down, she sits in boxes, all that jazz. She is soft and smells wonderful and I’m happy to welcome her to my home. It turns out that like 50 percent of my current students are allergic, so maybe this cat will scare everybody away and then I’ll be less busy Winking smile She does tend to get overly excited by the violin so I keep her in the other part of the house while teaching.

I took her to the vet the other day, the same vet I’d taken the Fatness to. It is amazing that even though over two years have passed, when I walked in that door I felt so much sadness, because the last time we were there was putting her down. 

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When I was a child, I remember deciding that older people didn’t get sad when people they knew and loved died, because if they did, and all those people died, why, they would be sad all the time, and how could anybody live like that? And as I’ve gotten older, I realize that I was both right and wrong as a child, that you aren’t sad all the time, but you do just live with your loss. And while this is a post about a dear cat, and my new cat, and how one is replacing but not exactly replacing the other, it applies to human loss as well, in many ways.  Sadness and grief are part of life, along with joy and happiness.

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So I shed a few tears in the waiting room, and then I got her checked out by the same vet, and he said she looked really healthy, and we talked about what she needed in a future appointment, and then he said “have fun with her!” which at first I thought was odd, but then realized, oh right, why even have a cat otherwise?

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So my feelings are mixed, but Muriel is her own self, and she is likely to become a natural part of life here. At first, it seemed so weird, you can just go get a cat and take it home and keep it, without signing papers or applying for licenses or anything?

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Mackenzie seems to like her well enough—they are getting more used to each other, but there hasn’t been any fighting or growling or hissing, so that’s been really good. Muriel had lived with a dog already so we’d hoped that would be okay.

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She’s getting used to being here. And no, that’s not peanut butter on her face. That’s just her face!

We now have a cat again, and it’s been really fun. I’m glad to be back into the cat world.