All posts by hannahviolin

I am a violinist. I also enjoy running, working out, reading, and hanging with my friends and cat.

New York, New York

It’s been a rainy few weeks since we returned from New York, but I’d like to share the highlights of the trip with you.

Louie and I decided to take a spring break trip to New York City. Taking a spring break required a bit of finagling on my part, but I was ready for it: as I mention here quite a bit, I rarely have days off on the weekend or any time, so taking a 7 day trip really just means that I’m finally getting to take some weekends. Sometimes people exclaim over this sort of thing, and frankly, I’m tired of it. And honestly, I’m lucky in that I am able to take some vacations. I work hard, I save, and I deserve it Smile And other than getting sick upon my return, taking breaks really does make me a better teacher and musician.

Okay! So as the trip planning came about, we ended up with three segments of our trip. The first segment would be two days staying with Louie’s aunt and uncle in New York City, then two days with Louie’s dad in Philadelphia, then back to NYC to stay with my sister Carrie for two days. Quite a bit of back and forth, but it made sense when we planned it out.

I bought a new little suitcase for my travels. How cute is this guy?

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We flew out on a Sunday morning and got to NY in the afternoon. When you fly into New York, you can really appreciate how populated the area in. Most airports, you’ll have wide open spaces, and then enter the city, and then land. In this case, it’s houses and roads and buildings for miles and miles leading up to it.

We got a cab to Louie’s uncle’s apartment, and enjoyed the ride in. It takes a little while to get used to the pace of everything in New York City. It’s fast, the cars drive quickly, close together, change lanes a lot, and you just have to get used to it, I think. People walk faster too, and people walk much more (which is definitely good.) Louie’s uncle’s apartment was near Washington Square Park and NYU in a really few neighborhood. I’d never met these relatives of his before, so that was great, and they were of course, really nice. Another aunt and uncle came over and we all went to a place in Brooklyn for dinner called Roberta’s. It’s normally not a place that takes reservations but his aunt was able to finagle a reservation, so we got to snootily walk past everybody and avoid the line. The food was fantastic, even though I got given a hard time for trying to avoid meat…sigh. I’m sure it was all in good fun, though.

I didn’t take as many pictures during the first part of the trip, so I apologize. There are several reasons for that, ranging from “too cold” to “didn’t seem cool taking pictures”.  But I took a few!

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Our first full day in the city we slept in a bit—I wanted to get up and explore, but I was just so tired. As you know if you’ve been reading my blog, I’ve been pushing myself perhaps a bit too much, and once I hit vacation it was like I hit a wall. But we got up and had lovely cappucinos and pastries around the corner from Louie’s uncle’s place, and then we decided to walk down to the World Trade Center area.

I hadn’t been since before 9/11 so it was nice to see the memorial. Well, not nice exactly, but meaningful, and heartfelt, and sad.

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We ate at Eatery (I forgot until we were sitting down the whole sexual harassment thing about Mario Batali, grr it’s hard to keep track!) and then headed back up. We didn’t do terribly exciting things, but it was nice to walk and feel the energy of the city around you. You can just walk and walk!

We met up again with the uncles and aunts for dinner and went to a chinese restaurant on the edge of Chinatown. I don’t recall the name, but it was very delicious. I should also add that we were using the subway fairly proficiently at this point, had a pass to keep adding money too, and generally found google maps useful.

Anyway, the next morning we again slept in, even though again we truly intended to get up earlier. It’s hard to balance vacation as a break and as an activity, isn’t it? I think since we were staying at a relative’s house we didn’t feel the desperate urge to see it all: New York is great, but fairly accessible.

Anyway, we decided to visit the Tenement Museum.

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The tour was really interesting, though I had almost more questions after the fact. I highly recommend checking the museum out. It was another rainy day and we were cold, but still enjoyed walking around. We found a little place that served giant tacos (with tofu and chickpeas and all sorts of tasty things) and had a late lunch there, and then meandered back to the apartment. We had to pack up and meet for dinner.

The next step in our vacation was to meet Louie’s dad for dinner at a Greek restaurant near Carnegie Hall and then go see the Philadelphia Orchestra play at Carnegie. As it turned out, the week we chose to visit NYC, the Philly orchestra was playing in Carnegie, so we got to see Louie’s dad play! We also met up with Louie’s brother Eric, who works at Carnegie, and had a great dinner, then went to the show. Our seats were VERY high up and a bit obstructed view, but the sound was fantastic. I’d heard the Philadelphia Orchestra many years ago (while in college) and was very impressed.

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I thought the string sound was so lush and vibrant in particular. Afterwards we got to be orchestra groupies and met the bus to take us to the train station, where the orchestra had a private train taking them back to Philly. We got to Penn Station, walked straight onto the train, and then left!

Next stop: Philadelphia! We had a nice train ride with Louie’s dad and chatted with some other people as well, some who Louie had known as a young boy. We split some snacks and a bottle of wine—the perks of a private train (I felt like the queen of england!).

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We got in very late, and we were staying at the Doubletree Hotel in Center City. We wouldn’t get much sleep, because the next morning we had plans to meet my brother Jesse, who lives just outside of Philadelphia.

We met up with Jesse, and got some coffee and pastries first. Then we decided to walk around, and go to the Betsy Ross House.

The Betsy Ross House is a long standing family tradition. Back when I was in high school my Uncle Ed started a postcard campaign about the House to garner excitement about an upcoming trip. He sent at least a half dozen cards, each one expressing the amazing-ness that was the BR House and counting down the days until we visited. We went to Philadelphia for the day as a family, and at the end of the day we visited it. It was of course, the highlight of the trip.

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Once we got there we had to take a few pictures as well, to share with family!

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Jesse and I outside the house.

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Betsy’s gravesite.

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Louie and I.

We decided to take the tour, so we headed in. We were lucky in that the house was nearly empty of guests—we were told that normally there would be lots of schoolchildren visiting!

One mildly creepy thing was that there was an actual person dressed as and acting like Betsy. A tour guide referred to them as “the Betsy’s” and once we got to the room with the actual Betsy, it got weird. She talked to us as if she really was Betsy, but I wanted to say, look, lady, it’s just the four of us, and we are all adults here, but I’m not totally convinced she didn’t know she wasn’t Betsy Ross!

In any case, as much as the idea of the Betsy Ross House is a bit of a family joke, we enjoyed it and learned a bit. Even if Betsy didn’t make the original flag (it’s unclear) she was a saavy businesswoman at a time few women owned businesses.

Then we all met up with Louie’s dad and wife for lunch. We had delicious seafood, and then walked my brother to the train station—he had to get back to work.

We spent the rest of the afternoon drinking coffee and just hanging out. Louie and I were finding that we had spent a good deal of the week just being exhausted! We met up with his dad again for a wonderful dinner at a place called Vedge.

The next morning we left the hotel and went to the train station for our train back to NYC. Next stop, the upper limits of Manhattan!

It turned out that my sister Carrie was playing on a gig the first night we were there. And then it turned out that a violinist was sick, and so I would be playing on the gig! I had to borrow a violin, but otherwise thought it sounded like great fun to play a gig with my sister.

So, we got back to Penn Station around 11 am, and then found a subway to take us north. Another 45 minutes, we got off the subway, and followed the maps to Carrie’s apartment. She lives in Inwood with a roommate, who we also met, and the place is really quite nice! Of course it’s small, but it was pretty modern and honestly more spacious than I’d imagined. We went with her and her boyfriend Daniel to a ramen place called Tampopo, after the movie.

After lunch we headed up to to walk around Fort Tryon Park and visit the Cloisters Museum. It was really neat (and I really understood all those jokes about monks and art, as quite a lot of the stuff was a bit “have you ever seen a cat before?”)

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Louie with a unicorn horn.

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Then it was time to change and take the train to Brooklyn for the gig. We decided to get there early and eat dinner beforehand, so we managed to beat the rush (and luckily avoid the train delays that affected people later in the day). We picked a vegetarian place near where we were playing that ended up being so-so, and also met up with a friend of Louie’s.

Then Carrie and I headed over to Union Hall, where we were playing some music for a comedy variety show. We played some pre show music and then one thing during. The comedians ranged from really funny to kind of okay, but it was a good time and a friendly audience. I particularly loved the comedy of Aparna Nancherla, who was understated and self deprecating, but very polished. We all had a fun time, and even got involved with some audience participation.

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Aparna—she was on a Master of None episode.

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The theme of the variety show was that it was supposed to be the host’s 40th birthday (which they acted like this was something horribly old and crazy…) The event was hosted by a comedian named Jenny Gorelick.

I felt like the whole event was exactly how NY seems like it should be—random events where you run into celebrities!

The next day we did more sightseeing. We headed to the northernmost tip of Manhattan.

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And we saw the place where supposedly the island was purchased from the Native Americans.

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We decided to see a museum, and went to the Smithsonian Museum of Design by Cooper Hewitt, or something like that. It was a long walk to get there, and the wind was not fun. The museum was okay—some aspects were really cool, like this magic pen thing you could hold and use it to work with various exhibits and save stuff to your audience number online, but it didn’t work as well and I’d hoped, and the museum was on the small side. We enjoyed it though, and then went to dinner at another vegetarian restaurant on the East Side called Franchia. It was delicious but we felt really rushed through dinner by our server. I suppose we could have just taken our time, but it just felt like we were rushed to order and then we felt like the whole thing happened too fast and we didn’t really get to peruse the menu as much as we’d hoped!

Anyway, the next morning we went home, and that was uneventful…so that was our NY trip. It was great to see so many family members, to get some nice sightseeing in, and to relax and enjoy some good meals. And as a smaller city girl, it’s always fun when you feel like you are understanding the public transit options! I never use public transit here in St Louis, so I felt very big city riding the subway with my violin. There was a time in my life when I wanted to go to the Juilliard School but I ended up in Cleveland instead. I suppose things might have been different!

Back To Work

I’m still playing catch up so I will tell you about my trip last week soon! Who I am kidding, my whole life is a game of “catch up” right now. Not sure how fun it is, and why I agreed to play, but that’s where we are.

The week is going well. Not too crazy, and I have actually had some nice chunks of time to practice, and some fun rehearsals so that’s good! Louie was questioning our life choices recently and wondering why we were so busy working…he made excellent points. As I say here, I have too much going on, but I like it all mostly. Too many students, but they are all special, so…really I just need to try to relax and continue “letting things go” like I wrote about before, because the truth is that I don’t need to stress over every performance and practice so so much. It’ll be fine and I do quite a bit as it is, I think.

I also need to let go of my guilt. I often feel guilty for…basically…not being perfect and not being all things to all people. Yes, I am trying to do it all. No, I’m not succeeding all the time. Maybe it doesn’t matter! I’m making a living, I’m having wonderful musical experiences, I’m playing music with my friends and teaching kids to play the violin and (hopefully) make music a positive force in their lives. I say that so much, but I keep having to remind myself. There is so much negativity in the world, so many bad things are happening and being allowed to happen, but these kids are good people, and I can positively influence them. And music is always good. Whether it is an escape or something that pushes us to our limits, music is always good.

And I must remind myself that I am successful. I can’t possible be as busy as I am and not be successful, right? I know people are always going on about how being busy isn’t the goal, and how “busy” isn’t an answer to “how are you?” but the thing is, I’m busy, that’s part of how I am, and I’m busy because I’m trying to do it all. But in June I won’t be nearly as busy, and then there will be three months of not being so busy, and I’ll forget all about this, and just remember all the amazing things that I got to do, right? And how every time I wrote a blog post it was basically me freaking out and trying to convince myself that I was doing okay Smile

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These are my friends. I did realize this the other week. I’m not too busy to have friends. I make music with my friends.

Real Talk

So often these blogs are like, oh, life is great, look how well I’m doing, look at all the cool stuff I’m able to accomplish on so little sleep.

Real Talk: I love being busy, I love performing, my students make me generally happy and I think I’m making a positive impact on the world. I feel like I matter and I feel like what I’m doing is important, and I feel mostly respected in what I do.

BUT. Especially through the month of January, and at other times, sometimes I wake up, and I feel completely overwhelmed. Sometimes I wake up and I cry, just because I’m so completely overwhelmed at everything I need to do, and that I can’t do it, and that I’m afraid I’m going to have no friends ever and never get to do anything fun that isn’t work, or being so exhausted at the end of the day that you just want to drink wine and watch Netflix.

Sometimes when people cancel I’m so relieved, but that doesn’t mean I have free time. I spend my life adding things to my to do list and checking them off. When I have a few minutes free I check my to do list to make sure I’m not forgetting anything important. Before I go to bed I often think about the day ahead and add things to the list. I constantly have to check my upcoming week to make sure I haven’t double booked anything, to make sure I’m getting the right music ready at the right time, that any rooms I need to arrange are reserved, that any students I need to reschedule are rescheduled (this is a huge stress of mine, because I am constantly rescheduling students in order to perform and rehearse)…it’s an anxiety filled lifestyle.

On top of that, I’m trying to maintain some semblance of healthy meals, a decently clean house to teach out of and live in, and then have clean clothes, and all that madness. I regularly work 10 to 14 hour days—that includes Saturdays and Sundays. I will have random mornings off, or an occasional entire day off from working, but even then my head space is filled with all that I need to catch up on, and then the constant guilt of “gosh, I should work out” and “I really absolutely need to spend some quality time with my instrument” and it all boils down too: since Christmas vacation I don’t think I’ve had a moment of actual relaxation.

Part of that could be on me. Perhaps all of it. Sometimes I take my stress out on Louie. (Too often, probably). And he has his own work and home related stress, and we probably feed on each other. And honestly, we could work less hard, but I can’t pinpoint exactly what I’d want to stop doing, and if I stopped doing any one thing, no matter what musician career advice people try to tell us, I firmly believe I need to keep saying yes to as many things as possible because each yes leads to another yes possibility, and I’m getting to do some really amazingly fun things here. And I don’t know what the path has been to get here, I just know that I’m on it, I love being on it, and I want to stay on it.

So there you have it. My confession as it were, though I haven’t exactly been hiding it. Yes, sometimes I’m completely overwhelmed to the point of needing to cry it out. And then I take some deep breaths, get a large cup of coffee, check my to do list, and dive in.

The thing about teaching at two different colleges: there’s an end in sight. That’s why January was harder than now—now I’m more than halfway through. I see the end. And while that’s probably not a great way to look at life, I’m trying to save for retirement. I will need a new car, and I would like to buy a viola soon. I also crave respectability, for people to think I’m a good violinist, to think that all the practice I’ve put in has paid off and that I’m making a positive impact on the world (gosh, somebody needs to!) So that means I work as much as I can, for the money, for the fun (being ONSTAGE during the show Chicago last weekend at the Fox theater was SO MUCH FUN), for the glory, and for the career satisfaction. And summer will be easier, and the cycle will continue. At least for awhile longer, and while I can.

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I am working on methods of coping, other than writing things down (which is definitely a good thing). Anybody have ideas to share, ways to calm your mind in the midst of periods of great stress and busy times?

Oh, and poor Mackenzie is in a cone for a bit. She had a growth on her face that needed to be removed, and has some stitches now. It won’t be for too long, but to her it feels like forever Sad smile

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Last thought for now: I am fiercely protective of my sleep and try to average 8 hours. That’s probably the best thing that I do for myself every day. Sometimes I’ll have a few days where I get closer to 6 or 7 hours but I try to limit those as much as possible.

March Already

Time flies! When I was little people told me this would happen but I didn’t believe them. Yet here we are, in March already. Wasn’t it just summer a minute ago, or at least December?

I’ve been trying to do it all, and like I said in my last post, not necessarily succeeding. But I am in a place right now where I’m not exactly sure what I want to focus on, and I don’t have something going on that I want to give up, so I am going to keep at it! I really just need to work on managing stress and not getting overwhelmed. They say it isn’t about practicing anyway. I often end up underestimating how long things take and therefore end up having a bit more time than I expect.

I’m missing a regular workout routine though. As the weather is getting warmer, I really ought to try to get up just a bit earlier and get out for a run or something like that. I think that would help me feel more relaxed and better able to manage all of this.

I am looking forward to a little vacation soon. Louie and I are heading to New York (with a  side trip to Philadelphia) for about a week soon, so that will be a nice break.

And everything usually turns out just fine. I had a studio recital over the weekend—18 kids played, and I was naturally pretty stressed out about it, but it turned out GREAT and I’ve been getting a lot of compliments on their performances. I often feel like my students aren’t getting the accolades that other people’s students are, but the truth is that I’m not pushing that sort of thing. I’m pushing them to enjoy the violin, to play as well as they can, and to be well rounded happy individuals. I have quite a lot of early intermediate students right now, which isn’t a level that brings many accolades, but they are doing pretty well, and the guy at the shop helping me host the recital said it seemed that my students enjoyed performing and all stood up straight and looked happy, and that was a bit unusual to see. I’ll take it!

I have to keep remembering, even in my advanced age, to look at where I am, what I’m doing, and not worry about what I think other people think I should be doing, or what other people think I should be doing (those are two different things.) I want to be happy with me.

I’m off to a lunch meeting, then teaching, then a jazz show tonight! The next three days are all-consuming with work as I’m playing a short run of Chicago, and trying to squeeze in some teaching and band rehearsal too. But I’m going to keep my head up, remind myself that I’m good enough, even if I’m creating my own path and career.

Letting Things Slide

I’ve found this semester’s schedule to be difficult! I’ve been busier than I wanted and a little overwhelmed at times. For the first few weeks sometimes I’d find myself crying in the morning or evening, just completely overwhelmed. But I’m getting into the swing of it (and knowing that I’m nearly halfway done with one of the schools already helps!) and one coping mechanism I have “developed” is letting things go. I am not getting everything done. I hate that what is sliding is fun things like my social life and violin practice, but something had to give. Work/life balance is a crock anyway…like multitasking, right?

I think getting back to teaching at my home (next week) will help, as commuting back and forth for everything and trying to figure out what I need to bring when and where and then finding myself in the wrong place with the wrong things wasn’t helping either. Teaching from home means lunch is easier to plan, I always have all my teaching stuff with me, and I’ll save about 20 minutes each day, which will add up to nearly 2 hours a week. (I’m rounding.)

But things are good. And the bathroom is getting done, and I’m feeling fulfilled in my career, and who needs a social life anyway, when you have a quartet and a band?

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I’ve been playing with a group called Third Millenium World’s Fair. We play music Michael (on the left) writes, and it’s been a lot of fun so far. Meghan (clarinet) and Michael are the other two members, and they are both really nice, relaxed, smart, and fun to play with. I didn’t need to add anything to my schedule, but I thoroughly enjoy working with them, and the music we play is unusual and challenges me—and it makes me improvise, which is a skill I have plenty of room for improvement on.

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Picking out paint at the Home Depot. Trips to the Depot remind me of my childhood! And yeah, we hate the politics of the owner, but it’s super close and convenient…

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I’ve become a bit obsessed with avocado toast for lunch on the weekends. I realize that is really specific.

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This is what tile looks like before you put it down.

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And this is what it looks like part of the way through. Beautiful, right?!

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Action shot of the band…in action.

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It’s been raining a lot. And I highly recommend you use the app “Weather Kitty” if you enjoy knowing the weather and also like pictures of cats.

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Louie admiring his handiwork. Sure there are still quite a few things remaining to do, but isn’t it pretty so far? And the big stuff is mostly done. Remodeling is hard work!

But anyway. I’d better get to my work: finish computer tasks, grocery store, practice (yay!), and teach. Today is a light teaching day so I am trying to catch up. I’d hoped to do the recital programs today (student recital Sunday) but I left my list of students and repertoire at the place I’ve been teaching…so I hope to do that tonight instead.(I’ll do what I can from memory though to start.) This is what I mean—it’s hard to do everything when I’m so spread out.

Random Thoughts

Mondays. Mondays are a long day, and this semester has been particularly busy getting going. I did realize that this week means I’ll be about 1/4 of the way through the semester, which isn’t nothing. I also shouldn’t be counting down in that way, but I’m wondering if I need to make some small tweaks and changes in the future to make myself less crazy. I’m not sure what the answer is, because there isn’t anything in particular that I want to not do, it’s just that sometimes it all fits together to make a big mess of scarfing down a peanut butter sandwich while driving and having no time to properly practice.

I did get some good practice in over the weekend, and we also made some good progress on the bathroom remodel. I do think that the remodel has been causing more difficulties in my mental space than I am fully aware, and since I haven’t been teaching at home and have to commute, that adds about 20 minutes per day of extra work that will be gone soon as well. 20 minutes might not sound like much, but in the overall scheme of the week, it adds up. I don’t know.

I feel like I’m just treading water, just holding on right now. I’m happy about what I’m doing, I’m proud of what I’m doing too, but I just feel like I’m playing catch up on quite a lot of things. I am managing though, so it’s not so bad. My email inbox isn’t too behind, I’m mostly keeping up with my to-do list, and I’m mostly putting forth what my students need from me.

We bought plane tickets to New York City for spring break. I’m excited! There are lots of people to visit there as well as lots of sightseeing to be done. Hopefully the weather will be lovely that week as well (I’m sure that’s a less likely event).

I’m finding that playing viola is quite fun and a neat new challenge. You might ask, why are you adding a new instrument when you are so busy and overworked, and the answer is, well, I already agreed to a gig when I was less busy, so I have to “get good” at it. I find myself grappling with weird emotions involving the viola, since my ex was a violist, but my sister Carrie is a violist too, and she’s a delightful person who didn’t spend years making me feel bad about myself. (We’ll just say that while I have moved on, and I am mostly happy with my life, and really glad and thankful for Louie and my current friends, it hasn’t been as easy path, and it’s been difficult to navigate being in the same field, and I suppose I have been hiding from some things!)

But I won’t dwell on things, nor try to make problems. I think everybody who leaves a relationship has their own thoughts on what went wrong, and how to improve, and I’ll tell you: there are times when I think that Louie got really lucky meeting me, and many many other times when I think that I got really lucky meeting him, and many times where we ask ourselves what are we even doing. I know that I bring what I learned into this relationship, and there are many times a day that I am thankful for Louie’s generosity, and grateful for his support, and glad that I’m with somebody who understands why I do what I do, because my career is important to me.

I know I treat my blog more like a journal than a money making opportunity (one of my many failures), and perhaps I shouldn’t overshare, but I also really enjoy putting my thoughts out there. So I’m torn and conflicted, and I am inconsistent. Flawed even, much like Hillary Clinton Winking smile