Category Archives: Auditions

Auditions, Deep Thoughts, Performing

Is that your expert opinion?

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I keep thinking I should write a post about auditions. My casual readers won’t care at all, but musician readers would care. I’m not the Bulletproof Musician though—I don’t have any real advice for you—I haven’t shown tremendous success in the audition world—and I don’t consider myself an expert on auditioning. But I think that’s part of the charm of my blog: I don’t pretend to be an expert on things that I am NOT an expert on. (Many do. I think this is a big problem with the world—too many “experts” and too little actual knowledge.)

What do I consider myself an expert on? 

Well…I’m starting to feel that way about teaching violin.  The more I do it (going on what, 15 years or so now?) the more I feel like I’m starting to know what I’m doing. You say, what, that’s ridiculous, of course you’re already an expert on violin teaching. I say, I am learning every day. I learn from my students what works, what doesn’t work. I learn from talking to other teachers. I learn by reading a couple of blogs and journals. I learn from taking workshops and classes. I will likely never consider myself to be an expert, because I consider myself a constant student. But I do know that I am a better teacher NOW than at any point in the past and that I will only continue to grow. So check back—maybe in two years I’ll say, yeah I’m an expert violin teacher.

I’m really good at playing for weddings. I still get a little stressed about timing and I’m no expert at dealing with brides—I do my best, but people don’t always respond well to me—I tend to have a dry sense of humor and sometimes my efforts to calm people down don’t work! I have a fantastic smile though and often people respond well to that 😉 That said, I’m great at playing the music, I’m great at keeping an eye out for cues and knowing when to start and stop.

I used to be a really good orchestral player. Or at least I thought I was. I probably still am—I just don’t get as much of an opportunity these days. I’m great at playing in a section and I’m a darn good concertmaster for Winter Opera St Louis.  Expert? I’m always improving.

I guess it depends on the definition of expert.  Merriam Webster says the definition of expert is: having, involving, or displaying special skill or knowledge derived from training or experience. 

By that definition, I’m definitely an expert violinist and violin teacher. I have special skills AND knowledge.  Maybe I’m an audition expert too? I’ve certainly participated in enough to consider myself one, and playing for a judge has been a skill I’ve used since I was a young girl, both for violin and piano.

Maybe I’m afraid if I say “expert” that I’ll sit on my haunches and think no one has anything else to teach me? I’m an avid reader (as you know) and I’m constantly looking for more information about life, the universe and everything…I often feel that many people lack the intense intellectual curiosity that I have, but that might just be me thinking I’m smarter than a lot of people.  (I do think that but I’m especially tickled when I realize a friend really is smarter than me!)

So what do you think? Can I consider myself an expert but also admit that I have tons more to learn? I’m sure I can, but I’m hesitant to do so. Or I just have low self-esteem 😉

Really though, we have so many self-proclaimed “experts” in the world.  You see it on other blogs, you see it in the mainstream media. How many of those people are truly experts? Very few! Most just seem to like to hear themselves talk.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I like to read my own writing, which is very similar, but I’m not pretending to be something I’m not.

All that said—I should write some audition posts. I know some readers have asked questions about my most recent experience (which is STILL very raw) and my past experiences…maybe I’ll add that to my blog “to do list”.

 

 

Auditions, Cat

Post Audition Stress Disorder

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I feel like I’m going through post-audition stress disorder.  It’s where you feel like everything you’ve been doing is all wrong and that you are a complete loser and you might as well find a new career.  That switches between, oh, hey, I’ll be great, and I can’t wait for the next audition and I just need to work a little bit harder…and then you think, how can I possibly do that, I’m so exhausted, I’ve never been in better shape and really, everybody can just bite me. 

I thought after the audition I’d be back to my normal self, but I’m still just so behind on everything and I feel like I’m walking around in a fog half the time. 

I’m sure it’ll pass soon.  What do you guys do when you’re in a funk and you feel like a failure? Or worse, you feel like this is just as good as it’s going to get career wise…

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The Book of Mormon was awesome last weekend. Definitely worth missing the Oscars for 😉

Then I spent a day just documenting my cat’s activities all day long.  Well, I also did other stuff that day, but every time I saw her…(from the moment I woke up to when I went to bed)…

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I can’t say I’m not jealous.

Auditions

Bits and pieces

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Oh hey!

Figured I’d just give a quick update on yesterday’s little ol’ audition.  I know why people don’t tell people when they are taking auditions, or especially why people don’t blog about them, because when they come out and name the person who advanced in your round (of 13, 1 out of 13) and it isn’t you, your inclination isn’t to tell the world.

Grumpy Cat, New Years resolutions.

But hey, I’m a blogger, I have to tell the world.  And I’ll write more about the experience later when I have a little more perspective.  I’m less (slightly less) angry than I was last night but only slightly.  Anything I say would be tinged with bitterness.

And tears.  Sometimes I hate being a girl, because of the tears.  After I finished playing I was texting with Chris and I said, so yeah, after the results I’ll probably go cry in the car for awhile and then drive home.  He said, oh, don’t cry!  As if that was an option.

I texted the same thing to my friend Jen, and she said, well, sure, but don’t cry for more than five minutes.  I thought that sounded like a really long time!

I didn’t time it, and in fact I basically held out UNTIL I got home.  So there you have it.  I was too terrified in the parking lot that I would see someone on the committee that I knew and they would be aware of my failure.

This is a great day:  admitting both professional failure and a crying jag on the internet for all to read!

Let’s see.  Bright side…

It is time to reset and get back to life as it was.  This morning I’m taking a rest day, plus my first finger joint hurts oddly, but I’ve got a concert Friday night with Chamber Project St Louis (and the same program the following Friday, so come see us if you are local!)…I’ve got teaching…I’ve got TONS of blog reviews people want me to write (we’ll see about those, but I’ve been reading some fun books and trying some stuff out and I’m just super behind on all of that)…I’ve got an overflowing email inbox which would ordinarily stress me out, but again, I’ll get to it…

Plus I’ve got a half marathon in April (yes, half) that I really need to start running for again.  Not today.  Today is diet and detox and rest, and tomorrow I’m back to working out.  I’m not super happy with what I’m seeing in the mirror and now there are no more excuses for stress eating and skipping workouts. 

(unrelated cat picture—see I’m just fine 😉 )

Is there a shame category to publish this post under?  That’s how I feel.  Even though if I were a friend I’d tell me that auditions suck, everybody hates them, it’s okay, and plus, all that work I put into it will ONLY help me be a better player overall and there’s no negative side of having worked hard…all that stuff you tell your friends because you love them…it’s harder to convince yourself of.  It just feels like I tried to do something and I shouldn’t have bothered and it’s a little embarrassing.  Or why couldn’t I have played better?  How hard would that have been?  Maybe if I hadn’t been sick and missed that week of practice.…

Don’t write platitudes in the comments.  I already know.  Tell me funny stuff to cheer me up instead.  Pretend I have the emotional capability of a small child and if you get me smiling and giggling again everything will be okay 🙂  Bonus points for emailing or posting funny or cute animal pictures.

(I was about to publish this when a friend called.  She was telling me how the author of A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline L’Engle, spent 12 years trying to get the book published.  She knew it was good but had a hard time convincing anyone else of the book’s value…she kept believing in herself though, and look at how well known the book is now.  I shouldn’t concern myself with people who are just looking for me to make mistakes because they don’t appreciate the BEAUTY I can bring to music.  There’s a wee bit of perspective for you.  Or like my friend Sarah said the night before, I might be selling apples but they want oranges.)

Auditions

Relax. Have Fun.

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That’s my mantra for tomorrow’s audition.  Relax.  Have fun.  I’m so NOT a mantra person, but I am doing whatever I can here.  When I was younger, I thought that people in their 30’s (and 40’s) couldn’t possibly be as good as those of us who were younger and had such quick muscles.  Now I know better.  I have never been playing the violin better than I am right now, and no matter what happens tomorrow, that will continue to be true.

(Curious about orchestral auditions—you’ll have to read this blog post I wrote a few years ago to understand more how the system works—or doesn’t work.)

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(how big the cat was the last time I took a St Louis Symphony audition…approximately)

I was just thinking, the last time I took a full St Louis section audition (I’ve taken the sub list here and a one year audition, but never for a full position) was in the winter of 2003.  Long time!  Most of us who take auditions have taken a fair amount.  Let’s see—my first professional audition (meaning, for a full time job, not a regional orchestra, because I’ve take tons of those too) was for the Rochester Philharmonic.  I’ve also auditioned in Houston, Minnesota, Pittsburgh, Kansas City, Detroit, San Diego and Charlotte (a position I won and left after a few years for a variety of reasons).

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(several couches and millions of pounds of food later…)

But I’m more ready for tomorrow than ever.  I’m terrified to admit that on the internet, and what bothers me most, is if I don’t advance tomorrow, then I’m just lumped in with all the other fools who didn’t advance.  Not that they are all fools, but there’s such a range, some people who had no business being there in the first place, people who just didn’t play their best, or people who would really be great for the job and just didn’t manage to show the committee that.  I feel like I’m in the last category—I know I would be an asset to the orchestra, to any orchestra, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get that chance.  And I hate just feeling like some idiot who took the audition and didn’t advance, and being lumped in with (actual thing that happened) the woman who, in my last audition, was unable to tune her own violin and ASKED FOR HELP.  But yet we both didn’t advance…and in the eyes of the common bystander, are the same.  Someone who auditioned for the symphony and didn’t advance.  Doesn’t seem quite fair.

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(This is also not fair—my sister’s new kitten in black, being cleaned by her old kitty…the cute just isn’t fair!)

That seems like negative thinking though (and maybe a little bit mean :/ ), so I’m going to think positive.  I’m going to go out there, I’m going to stay relaxed, sit back on my heels, focus, and let my preparation shine through.  I am going to be excited to show them how beautifully I play each piece or excerpt they ask for, and I’m just going to have a good time with it.  No matter what they think, if I go out on that stage and enjoy myself, I don’t care.

Well, of course I care.  I care more than just about anything.  But let’s pretend I don’t, because I know the odds here.  I also know that I’m proud of the work I’ve done and my husband is too, and that’s probably, in the greater scheme of things, most important.

Advice from my teacher in college on auditions:  If you drink the night before, don’t drink too much.

(And publishing this post terrifies me:  I have friends that take auditions all the time and it seems like no big deal to them…maybe that’s just them covering up their feelings, or maybe they are just better at it than I am?  I don’t know!  I’m not freaking out or anything, but I’ve been utterly unable to focus on anything else in the past couple of weeks.)

Auditions, Performing, Practicing

DON’T PANIC

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I finally had a quick urge to come tell you guys how I’m doing, and then Windows Live Writer (the program I use to write my blog posts) wouldn’t OPEN!  I briefly panicked, and tried to open it a whole bunch of times, and kept getting error messages, then I started to do a Google search, realized I didn’t have time to get into a fancy computer problem because I’m already an hour late on my practice schedule (which is fine, it just means I HAVE to, absolutely HAVE to practice tonight after teaching)…anyway, then magically about three windows opened up, so here we are.

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My teacher once (or more than once) said, the most important things at an orchestral audition are rhythm, intonation, rhythm, and rhythm.  Others have argued for more intonations.  But yesterday I think I actually started to get the whole “something special” idea…

If you’re not a musician, you’ve probably already stopped reading.  But in a nutshell, I’m trying to get everything on my list (which includes a couple of solo concertos and then a whole bunch of excerpts from the orchestra literature, i.e. Brahms Symphony no. 4, 1st violin part, measure 392 to the end) in tip top shape.  I’m practicing with a drone, I’m practicing ever so slowly, I’ve broken everything down to get the precise rhythm, bowing, and sound that I want…and now I’m putting it back together.

The trick is to put it back together so that it doesn’t sound like you are worried about rhythm or intonation.  To play in a way that makes it sound as if you are absolutely throwing caution to the wind WHILE playing with wonderful sound and intonation and rhythm.  And while you are absolutely focused on the tiniest of details, you must make it sound like you are just thinking about the long lines and the long phrasing…something that I do much more naturally outside of audition preparation because I am actually less focused on the details (maybe that’s a major fault of mine in other performances, but I can’t worry about that right now).

Plus there’s the audition scene—it’s like the Olympics. you have to be in the zone, you have to focus, you have to do the whole Michael Phelps, have your headphones in, ignore everybody and just do your thing that you’ve been training for…and then in a couple of minutes you’re done. 

This post probably doesn’t even make any sense because I’m just rambling, and I’m overwhelmed, and I should already be practicing.  I’ll be okay in a few more days though, that’s all.  The other day I was having a minor breakdown from the stress, and I asked Chris if it had been like this in the past—he said he didn’t remember.  Musicians do this sort of thing all the time, but I think as I’ve gotten older I am putting more pressure on myself.  Or I was too young to know better.  Or I’ve just forgotten how being under intense stress all the time felt?  Anyone want to weigh in on that?

Auditions, Cat, Random thoughts

Who knew people liked reading about auditions

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Wow.  My blog traffic has tripled since I posted “orchestra auditions for non-musicians.”  (If you haven’t read it, check it out.  And SHARE with your non-musician friends and family who think you are either crazy or a failure.)

So what do I do next?  If you are still reading you might notice my topics are all over the place.  Violin, teaching, working out, eating, movies, etc.

But this is my life, this is the life of a musician!  The life of one musician, at least.  I spent many years practicing or working all the time.  And now I have the luxury of some free time, and I’ve dedicated it to MYSELF and my health.  And I discovered a passion for running…well, conceptually at least.  I think that working out and music have a lot in common as far as discipline, scheduling, and delayed results.

I don’t want to just write about music, or about orchestral life, or about “how to win an audition”.  (Honestly, that last one I don’t really know…I have only one a few auditions, and definitely lost more than I’ve won.  Perhaps I can write “how to lose an audition” instead?)  I used to think I would write a book about the life of a freelance musician…maybe I’ll do something like that on my blog in the near future.  Perhaps an improved “Mozart in the Jungle”….

Or maybe all of my {potential} new readers are frightened away by my randomness and great love of my cat?

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Can you believe that is a cat?  And yes, that is part of my purple music stand.  You know what, it’s cool.  I like my blog the way it is.  My parents read it, and Chris reads on occasion, and some of my friends read it occasionally too.  And you are all AWESOME!

But I will do some more posts related to day to day life of musicians so you can share them with your family Smile  I’ll also do posts about my cat, running in the park, my students, and post stalk-y pictures of my trainer.  I know you’ll be pleased.