Category Archives: Deep Thoughts

Arctic Blast part the third

Social media is blowing up about how cold it is. Honestly, it is really cold here. It was colder yesterday, but it’s still cold. I try to remind myself of a few things:

1. It is winter.

2. I have a house with wonderful central heating and space heaters in the bathrooms and other places where needed.

3. Soon we’ll be complaining about the heat.

4. We humans (I’m saying that in a dalek-voice in my head, btw) like to complain. When we have things in common to complain about we feel a sense of community.

5. Writing lists on my blog is fun!

I should probably just add a cat picture and stop there (this is what google tells me most readers want), BUT I thought I’d ramble on for a few more minutes.

Louie and I are “training” for a 5k on Valentine’s Day. Mostly because we are romantic like that but also because it makes us more likely to get out the door to run if we are thinking about maybe registering for a race. We went on Tuesday when it wasn’t quite as cold as it was yesterday, or today. We will probably run again tomorrow. We debated running today but chickened out.

I remember I lived in Cleveland for many years, and I’m sure it was colder then? Am I just getting old and crotchety, or did I own more corduroys and wool?

I also remember there was a time on this blog that I was way more obsessed with working out, but I’m different now. It’s funny. I’m in less good shape, but I feel better about myself. It’s wonderful, really! And I am in pretty good shape, it’s just that exercise isn’t an obsession. I eat what I like, with reasonable portions and try to eat a good amount of fruits and veggies and whatnot, and it all seems to work out pretty well. My goal for the year is still to get in a little better shape and get back into better running shape, but it just isn’t my number one priority.

IMG_1479

I have a million thoughts but it’s hard to organize them into a blog post. Other people do this without trouble, but they probably do things like plan. I like to just sit down and spew words on the page…does that make me sound a little bit insane? Please don’t answer that, actually.

Some friends and I went to see the Bad Plus last night. It was a great show. I was really inspired by it. I’ve had some discussions with band mates about trying to write some music. I’m such a giant classical nerd and lost my creativity a long time ago in that respect, but it feels like it could be something really fun and use some creative outlets that I feel are likely just hiding a little bit. I used to write music as a kid, before I learned about how hard it was and how bad I was at things and how Mahler did it better. And I try to retain that childlike feeling in so many aspects of my life, why stop with violin? I feel like I could write books and books about the difficult relationship I have with the violin…and music, and how I both blame it for my life problems and attribute all the wonder and good stuff in my life to it.

I kind of want to delete that paragraph, both for the eager honesty, and for the bad writing, and also for the rambling and nonsense… but I’m going to leave it. I think one of the themes I’ll have for my blog this year is really trying to share some of the struggles I’ve had with music and the violin. Another theme is cats, and perhaps a third theme of stuff that absolutely nobody wants to read about. That can fit into a large variety of topics, luckily, and is mostly the topic of my blog already, so it’s not a real change.

I was going through the pictures on my phone to see if there are any worth sharing (short answer, no, long answer, I’ll share what I want to share!) and I found this Facetime screencap I made. I think that this is perhaps the most awesome picture of me ever! It’s all worth it to have that adorable face on there, right? Maybe I was trying to make the same face as an adult, and that just doesn’t work.

IMG_1180

And with that, I bid you adieu, friends and dear readers! Stay warm 🙂

New Year, Same Me

Happy New Year!

I haven’t blogged for some time and you’ve all probably been wondering, gosh, what on earth is Hannah up to? And I could tell you everything, but the truth is, Hannah has just been busy. Good busy though, mostly, finishing up the Christmas season with shows and concerts and gigs, doing things with loved ones, celebrating the new year, all of those wonderful things.

I wrote this status update on Facebook as my year in review and I’ll copy/paste it here for you.

“If I were a better blogger I’d have done a year-end recap. I didn’t do a Christmas letter either: I’ll just do it here–

I played a bunch of quartet concerts, joined a band, played opera, a recital with solo Bach and put out a CD. I traveled to Phoenix, Philadelphia, Nashville, Chattanooga, Chicago, El Paso and more. I moved and now live with two cats and a dog. I became an aunt to the world’s cutest niece. I got to see my youngest sibling graduate from college and can’t believe we are finally all grown up! I read a bunch of books, watched a variety of television shows, a few movies, ate at some good restaurants and some not-so-good ones. I hiked, sometimes longer than planned, I ran, I lifted a few weights, I ate some great food at home, drank some good wine, stayed up too late on occasion, and tried to be a decent friend.

Now I’m getting ready to put on my party dress and my party shoes and celebrate the coming of 2015. This year was okay. There’s no point in rehashing the crappy parts of the year, because I’m not looking to remind myself of those (though finalizing a divorce is really a good thing, I think!) I’m focusing on the good stuff, and looking forward to ringing in the new year with my loved one(s).

Here’s to all of you that made the year tolerable, that made the year special, that helped me up when I was down, and who were there in spirit when you couldn’t be in person! I wouldn’t have wanted to do it alone.”

So what are my plans for 2015?

Music wise, I want to keep doing more. Musically, I haven’t been this satisfied in years! I want to continue to push and challenge myself and grow as a musician beyond the narrow mindset of “I’m a failure since I don’t have an orchestra job” that has plagued me for years. 2014 helped me grow as a musician in ways that I could never have imagined, between playing with Jen, the Perseid Quartet, the Illumine Ensemble, and the TSO tribute band.

Teaching wise, I need to stay on top of things better and continue to grow. I might be able to swing a Suzuki Institute this summer and get inspiration and fresh ideas! I am pretty aware of my strengths and weaknesses as a teacher and I want to obviously change those weaknesses into things I’m less weak at.

Personally: I want to try to be a better girlfriend, friend, daughter, aunt (!!!), and sister, to be more patient and listen more, and perhaps interrupt a bit less. I’m becoming more aware of some of my personal limitations (group travel is the worst—I literally cannot deal with groups of people for very long and I can become very unpleasant) and I want to work on dealing with my limitations better at least, especially when situations are unavoidable. I want to keep traveling and exploring the world, and I want to give back as much as I can. (Our CD sales have raised around $800 so far for the St Luke’s Life and Hope Fund and we have more copies to sell!)

Sometimes I am struck by how incredibly resilient I am in the face of difficulty, yet other times I am struck by how incredibly lucky I am. I suppose most of us feel this way. Like I said in my facebook status update, basically, THANKS for being there for me. Whether or not I was there for you. Let’s make 2015 an even better year together.

Feelings

Long time blog readers know that I am a stressed out bundle of nerves sometimes and other times I feel really great about myself. Often it’s one wrapped in the other. Occasionally it’s wrapped in bacon. Or prosciutto.

For instance, I feel like I’m a pretty great violin teacher. Except when I’m worried that I’m too easy on my students, or too hard on them, or when I’m worried that my house is a mess and all the parents are looking down on me for that, or that everybody has noticed that I gained and lost a large amount of weight over the past few years…or that my pets are too hairy, or maybe the place smells funny, or that each student is judging the one beforehand and finding them (and therefore me) lacking.

Violin playing is another thing. Some days I feel fantastic, like I can play anything. Other days I feel utterly terrible about my playing, and feel like a giant loser compared to all of the truly successful people I went to college with. Today I feel out of shape so at least I have a valid excuse, but generally I feel like I don’t work hard enough and that I am not good enough. Except when I feel like I sound pretty darn good and that thing come entirely too easy for me. It’s a toss up. A lot of the time I remind myself that I’ve made sacrifices in my career for my ex, and those were my choices at the time. And honestly, I love many of the musical activities I’m doing now, and I wouldn’t be here without a series of choices. I shouldn’t judge my own career based on how much money I make or someone’s narrow-minded view of what a musician does.

Or being a friend. I often feel like a terrible friend. I talk too much about myself and don’t ask enough questions. Or I don’t participate in the conversations enough. Or I’m not around enough or ask people to do stuff because I’m too busy…then again, they could ask me…then again how many friends does a girl need? I “lost” a lot of “friends” in my divorce, but then again, I’m using the quotes because obviously those people weren’t my real friends anyway. (I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it still burns occasionally).  Divorce is hard. Harder still is having to make all new friends. I’m sometimes surprised I’m still standing!

I probably sound a little sad or something, but honestly, I just felt like I hadn’t poured much truthiness into my blog lately, so I’m writing about something that occurred to me after I finished teaching today. So I thought I’d give you a nice dose of feelings so we can bond.

IMG_0939

PSA: Check your dryer for cats before starting it.

Throwback Caturday

I detest “throwback Thursday” because…honestly, who says “throwback”? What happened to flashback Friday? People actually say “flashback” I think?

In the interest of better SEO though…I thought I’d use the word. People always say your titles for blog posts need to take SEO into account, since pageviews and clickbait are all that matters today…rather than good writing, ACTUAL content, and using lots of…

Picture time! If I don’t post a certain amount of cats I get angry comments about it.

IMG_0841

And baby pictures!

IMG_0830

Somebody is very tired…probably she misses her aunt Hannah!

My cat still weighs more. Winning.

IMG_0829

Oh, and here’s a picture one of the singers in my band took and made fancy:

IMG_0826

Our “tour” starts tomorrow. It’s not a tour, but that’s what we call it for some reason. If you live in any of those areas, it’s a fun, cheesy Christmas Show for the whole family and I recommend it if you want something light.

(Self-promotion, you see?)

I’ve been really into soup lately. I made a 15 bean soup with sausage and tonight is beef stew. The crockpot is my friend, because you just add your ingredients earlier in the day when you have time, and then when you’re done working dinner is ready AND your house has smelled like dinner for hours so you are really hungry!

It’s cold here. It turned cold a few days ago and everybody started to freak out. Then there were snow flurries and you cannot even imagine how folks were reacting. It might actually snow tomorrow and I think most of the people I follow on twitter will actually self-destruct because there is nowhere else to go. I’ve run in the cold a couple times and I forgot how it isn’t fun to be both cold and sweating at the same time.

I’m finally a bit more relaxed. Rather than dreading the busy holiday season, it’s finally here, but I can relax on my practicing and everything, since all I have to worry about now (well, after two other shows this weekend with the Illumine Ensemble, ha) is the band stuff, which we have rehearsed so much that I don’t even need to think anymore. I’ve been waking up NOT feeling overwhelmed, which is fantastic. I’m looking forward to the “tour” being over and really being relaxed though…but that’s over a month away.

Oh, and I started watching Doctor Who. I’m pretty confused because I started partway in, but I think I’m getting the hang of it. Time travel is pretty fun, eh?

I feel like I should use an old picture for the throwback part of my title, but I don’t think it matters…and I realize it’s not Caturday yet either, but I’m busy all day tomorrow and HEY maybe you are reading this on Caturday anyway?! Or maybe you read it on Caturday years ago? Or you just feel like you did?

IMG_0800

Have a wonderful weekend! Come see me play my purple violin! Or my brown violin, OR whatever! Don’t just sit around all weekend watching Netflix, okay?

IMG_0825

Deep Thoughts on Self Promotion

Not really deep but…

photo 2

As a self-employed musician who wears many hats, self promotion is a big part of my job.

But it’s not always just about ME. I have to promote my different groups. I am not alone…if I don’t promote shows and concerts I’m letting down other people too. It can feel like a lot of “me me me”. But I also believe in what I’m doing and think that people will enjoy seeing my groups play!

photo 3

(especially when we play with a white piano! from Thursday’s Perseid Quartet concert…)

Now I am self-promoting a CD my friend and colleague Jen and selling to raise money for the St Luke’s Life and Hope Fund. Granted, it’s a bit of ME ME ME because we are selling a CD of us playing the concert in October, but it’s for a good cause!  At this time we are accepting preorders and hope to have the CD’s to you by mid-December. Is anybody interested in more information? Bach, Brahms, Prokoviev, Vierne, a live recording, it’s like being there! ($15/$5 shipping/handling if you can’t get it from me in person.)

photo 4

But the self-promotion never ends, does it? I have band concerts coming up… http://www.theprophecyshow.com/tour-schedule-the-prophecy-show.html, a choose-your-own-adventure style concert appropriate for children of ALL ages (meaning adults too) with the Illumine Ensemble… and then in the spring there will be more and more. I guess this is why bigger groups have marketing departments!

Anyway I apologize if you feel overwhelmed. On the one hand, I want people to know so they can attend if they want! On the other hand, I want to be more than just a marketing department!

Then again, this is a blog about my life, isn’t it?

Unrelated to my upcoming performances: We went to dinner and a concert Friday night. It was an unexpectedly free evening (rehearsal got canceled) so I was thrilled to see Alex Klein perform with the Arianna String Quartet out at the Touhill Performing Arts Center. Louie gets free tickets on occasion so the price was just right.

I’m finally recovering from my cold, so I’ve been running again. Running is hard, isn’t it? I am publishing this post and then heading out again. Good to get a run in before spending all day rehearsing.

Is it December 27 yet? That’s when my vacation really begins 🙂

A little bit overwhelmed and overscheduled

So far I’ve finished my recital with Jen and one quartet concert. We have two more quartet concerts, two performances with another group I play with, and then a bunch of band concerts. And then it’ll be Christmas!

The solo recital went quite well. Of course there were a few memory slips in the Bach but I think I recovered well and felt that overall I did well. I’m glad we did the program, and I’m equally glad it’s over. It made for a very stressful time.

photo 3 (1)

I’d already put my violin away by the time we thought of getting a picture, but I think we look very nice!

I feel like I am not a terribly interesting person lately because I mostly just work. It’s the way it has to be right now, and honestly, I’m having a great time with it (mostly)…and it’s not all work. But I feel like for the amount I work I should be incredibly wealthy, and (this may come as a shock) I’m NOT.

Friday my parents were driving through town on their way west. We went to lunch in the Central West End. We are all heading west in the next few weeks since my sister Leslie just had a baby. Yes, I’m an aunt! 

We did go see a concert on Saturday, the Philharmonic Quartett of Berlin. They played a concert at UMSL and it was very neat. I always feel incredibly inspired and like I’m not doing enough after seeing concerts…I wish I could devote MORE time to practicing and studying…I suppose if I were independently wealthy and didn’t have to teach to make ends meet, right? Of course I enjoy that too…but I am just often struck by how much more I could be doing with the violin. There is always more to practice, and I feel like I’m in a very artistically productive state of mind this year.

bazu-3512071

Here’s a picture of me awkwardly crossing the finish line at the MO Cowbell Half Marathon the other week.

Is it just me or is this fall just crazy busy? I haven’t even finishing unpacking from my move yet! There just isn’t enough time in the day. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t mildly stressed out…

I’m getting used to it. I feel productive and satisfied musically at least. I feel like I’m making progress in my life. I’m just…busy. In a slightly overwhelmed way. Did you already pick up on that? But really, I’m dealing okay with it. I’m just ready to NOT be stressed out for a bit. I think that will taper down a bit. I’m sitting here listening to Borodin’s String Quartet no. 2 and feeling quite lucky…I’ve said this before, but I’m often tickled by how my life is turning out, and a little bit of overscheduling isn’t going to make me feel bad 🙂 Life has its ups and downs but for me lately it’s been mostly ups and I’m grateful for that.

How about you? How is your October going? Do you say yes to too many things because they all seem like great opportunities and experiences?