I have been lucky to have supportive parents and family throughout my life, parents who are always there when I need them, who care about whether or not I succeed and how I’m doing. Not everybody has that. Not everybody has a lot of things that I was fortunate enough to grow up with. I never worried about food. I never worried about my personal safety. I always had a bed to sleep in (unless we were camping, ha!). I always had parents at home to take care of me, parents at school events, parents at PTA conferences, parents at concerts I was performing in. I always knew that I would be graduating from high school and going to college.  One of the most difficult things I remember learning as a kid is that not every person has had the advantages that I had. I remember learning that there were people in my hometown who didn’t have enough food, or a place to live. I felt awful about that. It’s funny how as you get older you feel less awful…I guess you can’t care about everything all the time though, or you’ll just go crazy.

I think our world would be better if we all tried to imagine how people different than ourselves view the world and are viewed by the world, rather than only caring about ourselves. I know I’m as guilty of this as other people, but it’s something I want to challenge myself to improve on. Rather than judging someone, we should try to walk around in their shoes.

There’s been a lot of civil unrest in St Louis over the past few days. I hope that we as a community can come together and heal, and get some answers to our problems, and work together. I am always hopeful that the future will be better than the past and that people are generally good people and want the best for their communities and the world around them. I don’t presume to know what the answers are though.

I feel like every time I get my schedule sorted out, something new and important comes up and I have to make room for it. “Can you come 15 minutes later for a lesson?” “Can we rehearse tomorrow instead of today?” “Can I cancel our lunch plans and reschedule them for another life?”

But as a friend I ran into at a concert the other night reminded me, it’s better to be a little too busy than to not have enough to do, at least as a working musician. Gotta pay those bills, right?

Summer is looking strong, however, and is going to full of teaching, making music, making background music, and *hopefully* some more time for fun and social activities than I’ve had. Last weekend was a wonderful reprieve, but I’m back into the feeling of being overwhelmed by what I need to do, and running from activity to activity. I’m prioritizing digesting lunch right now so I have a few moments to blog before I have to go practice.

Practice: another thing. The more concerts I schedule (and there are two quartet concerts and a piano/violin recital this summer so far) the more I really NEED to practice. Ideally I would practice several hours a day, every day…but I don’t have that amount of time to spend on it. At least not while maintaining relationships, keeping up on my house (who am I kidding, I don’t do that) and being active. Oh, and sleeping. I am and (I hope) will always be a firm proponent of getting a good night’s sleep as many nights per week as possible.

My violin is currently in the shop. I’d gone in with the idea of getting two bows rehaired and getting the winding fixed on my best bow, but then the owner started looking at my violin, and everything he mentioned he could fix or mess with were things that I had noticed needed improvement…so that’s another bill. I can’t wait to see how good (hopefully) it sounds when I get it back! I’ve got a loaner right now, and I’m playing on the very cheap bow that came with my electric violin (part of the set!) so I feel a little out of sorts with playing and practicing right now…another reason to take a few minutes to blog, right?

I like the success I’m currently having with keeping busy teaching and playing gigs. A couple months ago I kept saying that I would be less busy after such and such activity, and then that activity would pass and I’d be just as busy. I’m trying to retire that thought process and simply say, this is when I’ve got a day off, or just block off time to not work, and not feel guilty about it. I’ve realized that this summer will likely be my busiest in a long while, and that’s okay, and that I LIKE being busy working, and that I just have to make sure to prioritize my time so that I can do other stuff too, and that with my chosen profession, yes, I will miss other things, and that’s okay.

I had walked by this cake before, but finally got a picture. My feelings toward the SLSO are mixed and complicated, but I was reminded by the same friend I mentioned above, that I am not alone in that, and that one just has to ignore it and keep going. I enjoy attending the concerts. Yes, I was there on Saturday night, since a few people asked if they saw me. You did.

And now I must practice. What, I’m not sure, but the list of music is long and anything is better than nothing! We had a great quartet meeting this morning planning our next year and thinking about programming and I’m just so excited about what we are going to be playing. I’m in a very different place than I imagined a year ago, but it’s a good place right now, and I’m thankful for that.

Man, the weather today is just gorgeous. If I weren’t recovering from a half marathon that I ran fairly untrained on Sunday (ha!) I would totally be itching for a run. Instead I did upper body at the gym. I upped the weights on my bench press for a couple of sets and felt both stronger and weaker, because that was HARD.

Thanks so much for your comments on my last post. If you’d been reading my blog the whole time I doubt it was surprising but I just wanted to spell it out and clear MY air.

It’s amazing how people react to hearing about a divorce. I most appreciate the folks who just say they are sorry and that they understand how difficult it must be. I least appreciate the people who ask nosily what happened (yes, because of course there is a short and polite answer to how a 14 plus year relationship ended, and naturally I’m going to tell YOU, random colleagues…). One of the best things a friend said right afterwards was that while she knew I was very sad at the time, in 6 month to a year I would indeed be okay, and possibly far happier than I’d ever imagined. I didn’t necessarily believe her at the time, but the hope that she gave me was so wonderfully helpful. Also helpful were the people who offered me their couch, their time, meals and drinks, and just random acts of kindness to let me know they were there for me.

It is still hard for me to read articles that (probably) well meaning people post on various forms of social media about “how to have a happy marriage.” I find most of those articles to be completely ignorant of the fact that many of us in “failed” relationships did the same things, and sometimes it just isn’t enough. Never assume that people getting divorced didn’t do everything possible to try to avoid being in that place (other than say, not getting married in the first place, but gosh, aren’t we certainly pushed to do THAT!) 

But anyway. Enough about that. Like I said, I have a million thoughts, and hopefully the next time I have a friend going through a divorce, or breakup, or another traumatic event, I will be able to give them better help having been through this myself.  Or maybe I’ll just end up giving them the exact help that I would have wanted and it’ll be completely wrong for them, but…that’s the way it goes, isn’t it?

See, isn’t this great? Now I can ramble on and on what I’m actually thinking about, and you can READ it. HAHAHAHAHA. Honestly, I hope I don’t sound bitter, because I’m not. I’m just moving on, and enjoying my life and finding new things that make me happy and satisfied.

I was talking yesterday with a non musician friend who was saying how they thought my career was really interesting. It’s easy to lose the comparison trap in the music world—somebody is always doing something better—but I try to take a deep breath and appreciate what I am doing.

Sometimes the state of my bank account does concern me and I wonder why I do this—but yet!–how many people get to be lower middle class doing what they love? (Is there a middle class anymore? Maybe I’m just poor 😉 )

Running related: I was thinking about it the other night and I realized that there was only one year of running in between my first half marathon and my PR half marathon. So if I really want to try to get better than where I was, it should only take a year or two of consistent running, and it’s very possible, and that I can be better than I ever was. So that’s my new goal, and with this gorgeous weather, it’s certainly easy to want to run! (my knee is being funny so I’m waiting a few more days to test it out…I will tell you guys more about my half the other day, but I felt like doing something different today.)

Violin related: I’m currently listening to Martinu’s Third String Quartet. What a cool piece! I’ve recently started using Spotify to listen to stuff and there is a wealth of great music on there.

Blogging is a weird thing. You want to share a lot about your life, but not everything.

Of course, then you read other people’s blogs and get annoyed at them for not sharing the negative sides of life, but when things are happening to you, you don’t want to share too much…it’s tough to make a balance between being open and honest and being TOO open and honest, particularly when it is something you don’t want all over the internet. Maybe that’s hypocritical, but it’s also smart. Better to put things out there on your own time and with reflection.

This is all to say that you might have noticed I no longer mention my husband on my blog. That’s because we are in the process (what a long process) of getting divorced. It hasn’t been fun, and it definitely is a difficult process, and I don’t recommend it to anyone…but it is for the best. I spent a very long time with him and it’s been incredibly hard getting accustomed to being without him.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without the help of some really wonderful people, many of whom stepped up far beyond what I felt I deserved or needed.

I wanted to get this out in the open, so I can begin to share my thoughts about divorce, and starting over in life, and how things have changed, and how people I thought were friends have reacted, and how people I didn’t realize were such good friends reacted, and just a million thoughts I’ve been holding back on. Now they can all spill out into my blog posts, and I don’t have to cover anymore.

But for today: just to open up and say, yeah, I’m getting divorced. If you didn’t know, or if you wondered, that’s what has been going on. We’ve been separated since June. And I had many reasons for not sharing it on the blog, but I thought it was time to tell you. To make my blog a place I’m comfortable again.

And look, I finished a half marathon yesterday! I’ll tell you about that tomorrow, or soon. It made me really think about how far I’ve come this year, what I’ve accomplished, what I’ve lost and gained, and just how much things have changed.

I have a few friends who work traditional 9 to 5 style jobs. This is not to say that their hours are precisely 9 to 5, but that they basically show up early to work Monday through Friday, have their evenings and weekends free, and that is all they do. The life of a freelance musician is…somewhat different.

Not to say that many other people don’t have flexible schedules (and I should clarify that this generally means I have to be flexible to the client rather than the other way around lest you get too jealous) but that most seem to work more “traditional” hours.  A colleague the other day pointed out how “boring” it must be to have all your evenings and weekends free and constantly being in search of entertainment to quell the boredom. I’m not sure that’s the case (though thank goodness, as your search for entertainment helps make my chosen profession possible!), but what I really wanted to write about was my calendar.

As a freelancer, one of the most sacred pieces of information at my disposal is my calendar. With smart phones and online calendars, life has been greatly simplified. Before online calendars, of course, we all had to carry our calendars around and handwrite everything.  What a pain!

Lately I’ve seen a few bloggers saying they are going back to traditional style calendars for various reasons. I say, probably they aren’t freelancers trying to limit their load of what to carry (phone is already with you, why add another book, especially when you already have a bag of music, a music stand, and an instrument) or accepting a lot of email invitations to events (it’s SO easy to add events from an email directly into your google calendar!). Maybe that’s what got me thinking about my calendar. While I’m sure there are some freelancers who still write their schedules by hand, I am simply not one of them. To me that would be like consulting an atlas to figure out my route somewhere rather than finding out online.

So enlighten me, readers. What do you use to keep your schedule straight? Do those of you with “real jobs” even NEED a calendar? I suppose you still probably have meetings and appointments—do you obsess over it just like we freelancers do?

A lot of folks like to come up with a motto for the new year (yes, I know the year isn’t quite as new anymore, but there’s still way more ahead than behind). I don’t like to limit myself to calendar years generally, as life is more linear and complex than that, but the beginning of year is still a great time to reevaluate yourself.

A good friend has a great “life motto” that I’m kind of adopting. The idea is: never turn down the opportunity to experience something new.

I’m not sure if that’s the exact wording my friend used, but the idea is pretty good. If you are given the opportunity to try something new or do something different…don’t turn it down. (I mean, except for obvious reasons, such as, you’ll end up in jail, it hurts people, you have a prior commitment)…but for instance, that’s why I ended up auditioning for the TSO tribute band I mentioned. Initially I thought, huh, that’s ridiculous and not something I would be into. But then I thought, well, I don’t always love everything I’m doing now, and it might be a great opportunity and a ton of fun, and I just might love it. Worse case, I learn a lot and do something totally different.

This idea continues into many aspects of life: seeing movies that are a bit strange (over the weekend I broadened my horizons by seeing The Great Beauty, which is so not my sort of movie, but it was a neat experience), trying new restaurants (always up for it), going to shows, talking to people, going for a run, saying YES to a lot of things that you want to say no to because they frighten you or you are afraid you’ll be bored or you won’t like it…because the worst that will happen is that you will spend a few hours being bored, but you might potentially spend a few hours experiencing something amazing or even life changing.

Not to be cheesy (mmmm cheese) but it reminds me of that whole thing about how growth occurs outside of your comfort zone.

That’s an important graphic to remember. (I usually hate this kind of thing, but I don’t have any other pictures for this blog post, so there you have it. Obviously you should pin it.)

So those are my thoughts for today. Nothing too deep, just deep enough. In order to make 2014 a better year than last year I have to face my fears and get out there into the world. Even on those days where I just want to stay in bed because it’s safe and warm there…

Do you have a motto for 2014? Or a life motto?