So far I’ve finished my recital with Jen and one quartet concert. We have two more quartet concerts, two performances with another group I play with, and then a bunch of band concerts. And then it’ll be Christmas!

The solo recital went quite well. Of course there were a few memory slips in the Bach but I think I recovered well and felt that overall I did well. I’m glad we did the program, and I’m equally glad it’s over. It made for a very stressful time.

I’d already put my violin away by the time we thought of getting a picture, but I think we look very nice!

I feel like I am not a terribly interesting person lately because I mostly just work. It’s the way it has to be right now, and honestly, I’m having a great time with it (mostly)…and it’s not all work. But I feel like for the amount I work I should be incredibly wealthy, and (this may come as a shock) I’m NOT.

Friday my parents were driving through town on their way west. We went to lunch in the Central West End. We are all heading west in the next few weeks since my sister Leslie just had a baby. Yes, I’m an aunt! 

We did go see a concert on Saturday, the Philharmonic Quartett of Berlin. They played a concert at UMSL and it was very neat. I always feel incredibly inspired and like I’m not doing enough after seeing concerts…I wish I could devote MORE time to practicing and studying…I suppose if I were independently wealthy and didn’t have to teach to make ends meet, right? Of course I enjoy that too…but I am just often struck by how much more I could be doing with the violin. There is always more to practice, and I feel like I’m in a very artistically productive state of mind this year.

Here’s a picture of me awkwardly crossing the finish line at the MO Cowbell Half Marathon the other week.

Is it just me or is this fall just crazy busy? I haven’t even finishing unpacking from my move yet! There just isn’t enough time in the day. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t mildly stressed out…

I’m getting used to it. I feel productive and satisfied musically at least. I feel like I’m making progress in my life. I’m just…busy. In a slightly overwhelmed way. Did you already pick up on that? But really, I’m dealing okay with it. I’m just ready to NOT be stressed out for a bit. I think that will taper down a bit. I’m sitting here listening to Borodin’s String Quartet no. 2 and feeling quite lucky…I’ve said this before, but I’m often tickled by how my life is turning out, and a little bit of overscheduling isn’t going to make me feel bad 🙂 Life has its ups and downs but for me lately it’s been mostly ups and I’m grateful for that.

How about you? How is your October going? Do you say yes to too many things because they all seem like great opportunities and experiences?

Today should have been a day off, but because I have been called for jury duty on Monday, I had to do a few make up lessons today. If I serve on a jury I hope the defendant appreciates that I am losing several hours of work (and hopefully no more, as I really can’t afford it!). Being self-employed can be tough. No sick days, no jury duty days, and when you finally get good health insurance with a little bit of financial help, they make you submit paperwork that doesn’t exist in order to prove your income…for the future…! I wish I knew the future, but instead I must live day by day and hope that my students continue showing up and paying and that I will continue to play weddings and other paying gigs.

I can’t explain that any better because I’m a little tired AND I’m pressed for time (arghh, blogging is SO HARD!) but anyways. Isn’t it fun teaching out of new books or teaching new songs you haven’t taught before? I had a student request “Spring” from the Four Seasons, so I’ve been working on that a little bit. I have of course played it in arrangements for weddings, and I’ve played the orchestral parts, but never the solo. I also enjoy trying out new books. I love the Suzuki books, but sometimes I get SO tired of teaching the same things, and knowing exactly where the student will have trouble (sometimes it’s great though, because THAT saves a ton of time), and it’s fun to try a little something new. I spent part of the morning emailing parents about new books to buy for their kids, some method books, some scales, some just a new song book (sometimes I don’t like to go straight to book 5 after book 4. If the student is in late middle or high school and is more of a late starter to lessons I find they want to murder Vivaldi if I do that, so I like to add in some of Barbara Barber’s Solos for Young Violinists as a reprieve.)

I’ve been thinking a ton lately about how to improve my studio. I think I have been coming to terms with the fact that I will likely (hopefully!) be teaching some of these students for many more years and rather than MOVING again, which I have done several times in my adult life, I might just be settling down and being here. (That being said, never say never, and I am generally not one to pass up a new adventure). I have some great students and I enjoy teaching, but I want to try to encourage everybody to do even MORE and improve more than they are. I’m working on a Halloween practice project for the younger students, and brainstorming a studio scale project for everybody (except the very beginners). I won’t have too much time for a mid-year recital but I’ve got some ideas on the burner for spring. I’m also thinking it might be fun to get some people out to a nursing home to perform or something like that.

Of course, you know I’m always big on grand ideas. My personal goal for the year is to actually accomplish most or at least some of my grand ideas. Last year was a bit challenging, but I’m generally doing a lot better this year, and so I’m trying to push myself to improve professionally, personally, and in general. That means not just bookmarking teaching ideas on the internet, but actually implementing them. That means not only blogging about upcoming events, but actually attending them. That means making an effort to make more friends since I’ve lost quite a few over the past years…some moved (I miss you guys!), some drifted away for whatever reason (divorce can be hard, I guess?), and some were never really my friends to begin with. 

Anyway, those are my deep thoughts for Friday. And here’s a kitty picture, per request.

I have been lucky to have supportive parents and family throughout my life, parents who are always there when I need them, who care about whether or not I succeed and how I’m doing. Not everybody has that. Not everybody has a lot of things that I was fortunate enough to grow up with. I never worried about food. I never worried about my personal safety. I always had a bed to sleep in (unless we were camping, ha!). I always had parents at home to take care of me, parents at school events, parents at PTA conferences, parents at concerts I was performing in. I always knew that I would be graduating from high school and going to college.  One of the most difficult things I remember learning as a kid is that not every person has had the advantages that I had. I remember learning that there were people in my hometown who didn’t have enough food, or a place to live. I felt awful about that. It’s funny how as you get older you feel less awful…I guess you can’t care about everything all the time though, or you’ll just go crazy.

I think our world would be better if we all tried to imagine how people different than ourselves view the world and are viewed by the world, rather than only caring about ourselves. I know I’m as guilty of this as other people, but it’s something I want to challenge myself to improve on. Rather than judging someone, we should try to walk around in their shoes.

There’s been a lot of civil unrest in St Louis over the past few days. I hope that we as a community can come together and heal, and get some answers to our problems, and work together. I am always hopeful that the future will be better than the past and that people are generally good people and want the best for their communities and the world around them. I don’t presume to know what the answers are though.

I feel like every time I get my schedule sorted out, something new and important comes up and I have to make room for it. “Can you come 15 minutes later for a lesson?” “Can we rehearse tomorrow instead of today?” “Can I cancel our lunch plans and reschedule them for another life?”

But as a friend I ran into at a concert the other night reminded me, it’s better to be a little too busy than to not have enough to do, at least as a working musician. Gotta pay those bills, right?

Summer is looking strong, however, and is going to full of teaching, making music, making background music, and *hopefully* some more time for fun and social activities than I’ve had. Last weekend was a wonderful reprieve, but I’m back into the feeling of being overwhelmed by what I need to do, and running from activity to activity. I’m prioritizing digesting lunch right now so I have a few moments to blog before I have to go practice.

Practice: another thing. The more concerts I schedule (and there are two quartet concerts and a piano/violin recital this summer so far) the more I really NEED to practice. Ideally I would practice several hours a day, every day…but I don’t have that amount of time to spend on it. At least not while maintaining relationships, keeping up on my house (who am I kidding, I don’t do that) and being active. Oh, and sleeping. I am and (I hope) will always be a firm proponent of getting a good night’s sleep as many nights per week as possible.

My violin is currently in the shop. I’d gone in with the idea of getting two bows rehaired and getting the winding fixed on my best bow, but then the owner started looking at my violin, and everything he mentioned he could fix or mess with were things that I had noticed needed improvement…so that’s another bill. I can’t wait to see how good (hopefully) it sounds when I get it back! I’ve got a loaner right now, and I’m playing on the very cheap bow that came with my electric violin (part of the set!) so I feel a little out of sorts with playing and practicing right now…another reason to take a few minutes to blog, right?

I like the success I’m currently having with keeping busy teaching and playing gigs. A couple months ago I kept saying that I would be less busy after such and such activity, and then that activity would pass and I’d be just as busy. I’m trying to retire that thought process and simply say, this is when I’ve got a day off, or just block off time to not work, and not feel guilty about it. I’ve realized that this summer will likely be my busiest in a long while, and that’s okay, and that I LIKE being busy working, and that I just have to make sure to prioritize my time so that I can do other stuff too, and that with my chosen profession, yes, I will miss other things, and that’s okay.

I had walked by this cake before, but finally got a picture. My feelings toward the SLSO are mixed and complicated, but I was reminded by the same friend I mentioned above, that I am not alone in that, and that one just has to ignore it and keep going. I enjoy attending the concerts. Yes, I was there on Saturday night, since a few people asked if they saw me. You did.

And now I must practice. What, I’m not sure, but the list of music is long and anything is better than nothing! We had a great quartet meeting this morning planning our next year and thinking about programming and I’m just so excited about what we are going to be playing. I’m in a very different place than I imagined a year ago, but it’s a good place right now, and I’m thankful for that.

Man, the weather today is just gorgeous. If I weren’t recovering from a half marathon that I ran fairly untrained on Sunday (ha!) I would totally be itching for a run. Instead I did upper body at the gym. I upped the weights on my bench press for a couple of sets and felt both stronger and weaker, because that was HARD.

Thanks so much for your comments on my last post. If you’d been reading my blog the whole time I doubt it was surprising but I just wanted to spell it out and clear MY air.

It’s amazing how people react to hearing about a divorce. I most appreciate the folks who just say they are sorry and that they understand how difficult it must be. I least appreciate the people who ask nosily what happened (yes, because of course there is a short and polite answer to how a 14 plus year relationship ended, and naturally I’m going to tell YOU, random colleagues…). One of the best things a friend said right afterwards was that while she knew I was very sad at the time, in 6 month to a year I would indeed be okay, and possibly far happier than I’d ever imagined. I didn’t necessarily believe her at the time, but the hope that she gave me was so wonderfully helpful. Also helpful were the people who offered me their couch, their time, meals and drinks, and just random acts of kindness to let me know they were there for me.

It is still hard for me to read articles that (probably) well meaning people post on various forms of social media about “how to have a happy marriage.” I find most of those articles to be completely ignorant of the fact that many of us in “failed” relationships did the same things, and sometimes it just isn’t enough. Never assume that people getting divorced didn’t do everything possible to try to avoid being in that place (other than say, not getting married in the first place, but gosh, aren’t we certainly pushed to do THAT!) 

But anyway. Enough about that. Like I said, I have a million thoughts, and hopefully the next time I have a friend going through a divorce, or breakup, or another traumatic event, I will be able to give them better help having been through this myself.  Or maybe I’ll just end up giving them the exact help that I would have wanted and it’ll be completely wrong for them, but…that’s the way it goes, isn’t it?

See, isn’t this great? Now I can ramble on and on what I’m actually thinking about, and you can READ it. HAHAHAHAHA. Honestly, I hope I don’t sound bitter, because I’m not. I’m just moving on, and enjoying my life and finding new things that make me happy and satisfied.

I was talking yesterday with a non musician friend who was saying how they thought my career was really interesting. It’s easy to lose the comparison trap in the music world—somebody is always doing something better—but I try to take a deep breath and appreciate what I am doing.

Sometimes the state of my bank account does concern me and I wonder why I do this—but yet!–how many people get to be lower middle class doing what they love? (Is there a middle class anymore? Maybe I’m just poor 😉 )

Running related: I was thinking about it the other night and I realized that there was only one year of running in between my first half marathon and my PR half marathon. So if I really want to try to get better than where I was, it should only take a year or two of consistent running, and it’s very possible, and that I can be better than I ever was. So that’s my new goal, and with this gorgeous weather, it’s certainly easy to want to run! (my knee is being funny so I’m waiting a few more days to test it out…I will tell you guys more about my half the other day, but I felt like doing something different today.)

Violin related: I’m currently listening to Martinu’s Third String Quartet. What a cool piece! I’ve recently started using Spotify to listen to stuff and there is a wealth of great music on there.

Blogging is a weird thing. You want to share a lot about your life, but not everything.

Of course, then you read other people’s blogs and get annoyed at them for not sharing the negative sides of life, but when things are happening to you, you don’t want to share too much…it’s tough to make a balance between being open and honest and being TOO open and honest, particularly when it is something you don’t want all over the internet. Maybe that’s hypocritical, but it’s also smart. Better to put things out there on your own time and with reflection.

This is all to say that you might have noticed I no longer mention my husband on my blog. That’s because we are in the process (what a long process) of getting divorced. It hasn’t been fun, and it definitely is a difficult process, and I don’t recommend it to anyone…but it is for the best. I spent a very long time with him and it’s been incredibly hard getting accustomed to being without him.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without the help of some really wonderful people, many of whom stepped up far beyond what I felt I deserved or needed.

I wanted to get this out in the open, so I can begin to share my thoughts about divorce, and starting over in life, and how things have changed, and how people I thought were friends have reacted, and how people I didn’t realize were such good friends reacted, and just a million thoughts I’ve been holding back on. Now they can all spill out into my blog posts, and I don’t have to cover anymore.

But for today: just to open up and say, yeah, I’m getting divorced. If you didn’t know, or if you wondered, that’s what has been going on. We’ve been separated since June. And I had many reasons for not sharing it on the blog, but I thought it was time to tell you. To make my blog a place I’m comfortable again.

And look, I finished a half marathon yesterday! I’ll tell you about that tomorrow, or soon. It made me really think about how far I’ve come this year, what I’ve accomplished, what I’ve lost and gained, and just how much things have changed.