In the spirit of 9/11 I am reflecting on how our nation and ourselves have changed since then. I wrote a few more paragraphs about this all, but I deleted it, because everything I wrote sounded angry.

That’s how I feel about my country right now: angry. Gun violence is out of control. We are headed towards a recession. White supremacy terrorism is on the rise. We are locking up immigrants and immigrant children in cages and refusing them basic care. If you’re not angry, as they say, you’re not paying attention.

And maybe that’s the best way to cope. It’s too easy to get overwhelmed by all the bad news. It’s much easier to just focus on our own lives and our much smaller problems, and deal with those. I waffle back and forth…do I spend time calling and contacting my representatives? How much money should I give to this or this other cause? How much should I just focus on my own relationships and family?

I don’t have a ton of free time, as you know. In some ways I’d like to be more involved, but so often that seems to be a weekend thing for various groups and I am either working on the weekends or it’s the only time Louie and I have had all week to hang out. People talk about self-care and such, and it really is an important thing to do.

(cats don’t worry about self-care)

I guess I’m saying, I wish I could do more to change the world. I am settling for what I can do: teach people to play the violin, one person at a time. Sometimes I feel guilty because I’m teaching people of privilege to play: private music lessons are something that people really struggling to pay bills don’t do. (I have a facebook friend with a non-profit who works with kids from less fortunate areas on violin lessons, and I think that’s really cool.) But that doesn’t take away from the importance of music lessons, and how I can impact their lives, and I tell myself that this is important. We musicians always like to overstate our importance to society, but society always likes to understate the importance of teachers to society.

I’m rambling now. I should drink a bit more coffee and go for a run. I am perhaps currently the world’s slowest runner and people might say, just run faster, but you know what, that’s really hard. 

(We have another CD release concert this weekend. Follow this link to hear some of the music. )

I’m getting a flu shot this morning as well. I feel like it’s maybe too early, yet I had a student telling me that she had the flu during the week, and whether or not that’s true (she wasn’t officially diagnosed by a doctor or anything) I don’t want the flu.

And truth be told, sometimes I don’t know if violin lessons matter or anything. But mostly the kids enjoy them, and that’s probably enough!

Does anybody else feel like there are dozens of elections each year? Since I’ve been living in the same place now for 4 or so years, I actually get all the little cards telling me when an election is coming up. I usually do a little research, and then BOOM I go vote. It takes about ten minutes round trip from my house, and even on presidential election days I have never experienced a wait. Sometimes Louie has to wait, but that’s only if we go together and he insists on adhering to the rules of voting chivalry.

Did you have an election today? I suppose we don’t actually have dozens of elections a year, but we do have perhaps half a dozen? I often think of this when people talk about making Election Day a national holiday: what about the other elections? I do agree that it would be a good idea, and I’m all for more people voting. It’s just that I think people need to vote more often, and not just once every four years. Every step of the way your vote is important, and if you worry your vote doesn’t matter, then go vote in a tiny election when you walk in and the people working the tables are standing up chatting with one another since so few people are voting. When I put my ballot in the machine around 2 pm the count was 85. I don’t know how many have voted electronically (I will never again do this, due to my fears of hacking, even though we do have a paper trail here), but either way, that not very many. Therefore, my vote counts much more!

You better hope I voted correctly. I was torn, but I made a decision on the moment, and I hope I don’t regret it. I know I won’t regret voting. They gave us different, cooler, stickers today than in the past. I am wearing it proudly. Or confusedly.

I’m loving the look of my hair in that photo, but the length has been annoying me lately. I might get it cut off…I experience wearing my hair more than I look at it.

How often do you vote? Do you vote early and often? Do you only show up occasionally, or do you think that your vote doesn’t matter and you are too busy to deal with it?

This winter has been gloomy lately. I suppose that’s normal, and in all honesty, it reminds me of living in Cleveland (you’d think that was a bad thing, but it’s not!). But as most midwesterners, I’m prone to wish for weather we don’t have…right now I’d love the sun, but I’m sure in July I’ll regret that wish and long for a cold, rainy day like today.

Life is chugging along. I found out last night that one of my dad’s good friends for many many years passed away, and I’m very sorry for him. I had a moment of “oh my goodness everybody I know is going to die or just get old” and then I passed it, and just felt sad for the specific death, because there’s no good in dwelling on the enormity of loss.

I have been feeling a bit “what am I doing with my life” lately though. Along the lines of, why do other people seem to enjoy teaching so much more than I do, and why do students even bother taking music lessons, and are music lessons worth it in a family if it just causes more arguments between parents and a child? Combine that with the stress and drama of freelancing and I’ve been feeling kind of blah about it all.

I’ve been escaping by reading cozy mystery after cozy mystery, and by diligently planning and making camping and other reservations for our big summer road trip. August seems far away, but the National parks book up fast. I’m hoping our government is open in August, and that the forest fires out west aren’t as bad as intelligent people worry they will be. I am also trying to focus on the positive in each day (and this is a real struggle for me, I am not good at living in today), and trying to be a more positive person (another struggle!).

In any case! The cats are adorable, I recorded with my band over the weekend and that was fun, and this Saturday is a day off. I feel constantly burned out, so I just need to allow myself time to relax and regain some strength and motivation. I’m often torn between my extroverted tendencies (let’s have lunch, dinner, go for a hike together!) and my introverted ones (no, I think I’ll just stay home and curl up with a book) and as a result I end up making plans with friends, and then kind of dreading them, but then having a wonderful time.

I think the weather is affecting me more than I realize. In the meantime, I’m going to read about hiking in Yellowstone and get myself pumped up to workout!

I always loved my grandmother’s name. I think it’s such a beautiful name, and you don’t hear it THAT often these days. (I’m thinking Dr. Who, Schumann…but do I know any other Claras in real life?)

My Grandma passed away October 30. I hadn’t seen her in over a year, at my uncle Sam’s funeral the summer before. I could say it’s because it is hard to get away and visit people, but I could have made more of an effort, I suppose. When I lived in Cleveland it was only about a 2 1/2 hour drive so I visited my relatives in the area more often, but since moving to St Louis, and then getting divorced, not having children, and feeling like I didn’t quite fit into my extended family…I guess I just didn’t visit quite as often.

My parents were there with her, and my aunts and uncles, and I know that she knew she was loved, and we knew that we were loved as well. One of my aunts shared that one of the last things Grandma said to her was “I love you all.” My heart especially goes out to all my aunts and uncles, and my parents, for their loss. They had her in their lives for so long and she will leave a large hole, but hopefully that hole is filled with love and all the memories.

I wrote this post on facebook, so I’ll share it here, along with a picture of my grandparents with me and the quilt that Grandma made me. I don’t use it, because of the pets…it’s too beautiful and they would destroy it!

I think this was in 2006 or 2007?

Here’s her obituary.

I feel like some connection to the past has been broken, and that now I am suddenly older and my childhood is so much more in the past. Isn’t that weird? I am so lucky in that both my parents are still alive and healthy, and so of course I still have that connection, but I guess now that they are the oldest generation I feel like I am that much closer to being so…it has made me do some soul-searching and thinking about life, and what I want out of it.

I had a thought recently that I had been seeing my life as a linear path, and realized that all along I’d been making choices, just not quite as consciously as I realize I am now. I keep getting distracted by what other people want, what I think other people want, and what society wants, and not listening so much to what I want. Often I’m not even entirely sure what that is…do I want to lie around in bed and read, or do I want to go out and explore a state park, or see a concert or museum? I don’t want to work all the time, but I do enjoy the feeling of a job well done, and I enjoy earning and having the respect of my colleagues and my students. I guess soul-searching is always a good thing, isn’t it?

I will miss you, Grandma. Thanks for being so warm and loving to your grandchildren, and thanks for all the cookies. I will always carry a part of your legacy in my heart.