Does anybody else feel like there are dozens of elections each year? Since I’ve been living in the same place now for 4 or so years, I actually get all the little cards telling me when an election is coming up. I usually do a little research, and then BOOM I go vote. It takes about ten minutes round trip from my house, and even on presidential election days I have never experienced a wait. Sometimes Louie has to wait, but that’s only if we go together and he insists on adhering to the rules of voting chivalry.

Did you have an election today? I suppose we don’t actually have dozens of elections a year, but we do have perhaps half a dozen? I often think of this when people talk about making Election Day a national holiday: what about the other elections? I do agree that it would be a good idea, and I’m all for more people voting. It’s just that I think people need to vote more often, and not just once every four years. Every step of the way your vote is important, and if you worry your vote doesn’t matter, then go vote in a tiny election when you walk in and the people working the tables are standing up chatting with one another since so few people are voting. When I put my ballot in the machine around 2 pm the count was 85. I don’t know how many have voted electronically (I will never again do this, due to my fears of hacking, even though we do have a paper trail here), but either way, that not very many. Therefore, my vote counts much more!

You better hope I voted correctly. I was torn, but I made a decision on the moment, and I hope I don’t regret it. I know I won’t regret voting. They gave us different, cooler, stickers today than in the past. I am wearing it proudly. Or confusedly.

I’m loving the look of my hair in that photo, but the length has been annoying me lately. I might get it cut off…I experience wearing my hair more than I look at it.

How often do you vote? Do you vote early and often? Do you only show up occasionally, or do you think that your vote doesn’t matter and you are too busy to deal with it?

This winter has been gloomy lately. I suppose that’s normal, and in all honesty, it reminds me of living in Cleveland (you’d think that was a bad thing, but it’s not!). But as most midwesterners, I’m prone to wish for weather we don’t have…right now I’d love the sun, but I’m sure in July I’ll regret that wish and long for a cold, rainy day like today.

Life is chugging along. I found out last night that one of my dad’s good friends for many many years passed away, and I’m very sorry for him. I had a moment of “oh my goodness everybody I know is going to die or just get old” and then I passed it, and just felt sad for the specific death, because there’s no good in dwelling on the enormity of loss.

I have been feeling a bit “what am I doing with my life” lately though. Along the lines of, why do other people seem to enjoy teaching so much more than I do, and why do students even bother taking music lessons, and are music lessons worth it in a family if it just causes more arguments between parents and a child? Combine that with the stress and drama of freelancing and I’ve been feeling kind of blah about it all.

I’ve been escaping by reading cozy mystery after cozy mystery, and by diligently planning and making camping and other reservations for our big summer road trip. August seems far away, but the National parks book up fast. I’m hoping our government is open in August, and that the forest fires out west aren’t as bad as intelligent people worry they will be. I am also trying to focus on the positive in each day (and this is a real struggle for me, I am not good at living in today), and trying to be a more positive person (another struggle!).

In any case! The cats are adorable, I recorded with my band over the weekend and that was fun, and this Saturday is a day off. I feel constantly burned out, so I just need to allow myself time to relax and regain some strength and motivation. I’m often torn between my extroverted tendencies (let’s have lunch, dinner, go for a hike together!) and my introverted ones (no, I think I’ll just stay home and curl up with a book) and as a result I end up making plans with friends, and then kind of dreading them, but then having a wonderful time.

I think the weather is affecting me more than I realize. In the meantime, I’m going to read about hiking in Yellowstone and get myself pumped up to workout!

I always loved my grandmother’s name. I think it’s such a beautiful name, and you don’t hear it THAT often these days. (I’m thinking Dr. Who, Schumann…but do I know any other Claras in real life?)

My Grandma passed away October 30. I hadn’t seen her in over a year, at my uncle Sam’s funeral the summer before. I could say it’s because it is hard to get away and visit people, but I could have made more of an effort, I suppose. When I lived in Cleveland it was only about a 2 1/2 hour drive so I visited my relatives in the area more often, but since moving to St Louis, and then getting divorced, not having children, and feeling like I didn’t quite fit into my extended family…I guess I just didn’t visit quite as often.

My parents were there with her, and my aunts and uncles, and I know that she knew she was loved, and we knew that we were loved as well. One of my aunts shared that one of the last things Grandma said to her was “I love you all.” My heart especially goes out to all my aunts and uncles, and my parents, for their loss. They had her in their lives for so long and she will leave a large hole, but hopefully that hole is filled with love and all the memories.

I wrote this post on facebook, so I’ll share it here, along with a picture of my grandparents with me and the quilt that Grandma made me. I don’t use it, because of the pets…it’s too beautiful and they would destroy it!

I think this was in 2006 or 2007?

Here’s her obituary.

I feel like some connection to the past has been broken, and that now I am suddenly older and my childhood is so much more in the past. Isn’t that weird? I am so lucky in that both my parents are still alive and healthy, and so of course I still have that connection, but I guess now that they are the oldest generation I feel like I am that much closer to being so…it has made me do some soul-searching and thinking about life, and what I want out of it.

I had a thought recently that I had been seeing my life as a linear path, and realized that all along I’d been making choices, just not quite as consciously as I realize I am now. I keep getting distracted by what other people want, what I think other people want, and what society wants, and not listening so much to what I want. Often I’m not even entirely sure what that is…do I want to lie around in bed and read, or do I want to go out and explore a state park, or see a concert or museum? I don’t want to work all the time, but I do enjoy the feeling of a job well done, and I enjoy earning and having the respect of my colleagues and my students. I guess soul-searching is always a good thing, isn’t it?

I will miss you, Grandma. Thanks for being so warm and loving to your grandchildren, and thanks for all the cookies. I will always carry a part of your legacy in my heart.

I sometimes wonder if I’m having a mid-life crisis. I am just busy enough that I do occasionally have time to reflect on how busy I am and wondering if I’m doing this wrong. I think that other people are able to make time to see friends and do things in the evening other than collapse into bed. Then again, based on the memes people put on facebook, I’m not sure if that many people do!

I have a little downtime now. I have students in about 45 minutes, so I thought I’d blog before then. I thought I had a student this morning, but I guess not. I got some practicing done and some errands though, and got a pretty intense workout done before that. I have been listening to the podcast, The History Chicks, while I drive around, and right now it’s about Louisa May Alcott. There was a bit where they talked about how much she loved the outdoors and running around, and such, and I thought to myself that in all honesty, my greatest pleasure is reading a good book. But I do enjoy the outdoors, and I always feel good after I exercise, but those things still require a mild struggle. There is no struggle to sitting down with a book! Louie is the opposite—he totally loves going out, he loves going for a hike or a run. I enjoy seeing new things, I enjoy getting out into the woods and the mountains, and I especially enjoy taking pictures and planning things.

It’s funny, isn’t it, what brings us joy? My cats don’t question these things. We got a new, larger, cat tower, and they don’t worry whether they are enjoying the tower enough. (The answer is, probably not enough yet but I’m hopeful they will use it more once they are used to it). They just are. They scratch, they meow, they sleep, they groom, they don’t seem to worry about anything.

Not that I can be like a cat, because the cats have a me, and I don’t have a me unless I am me. But that I can take some ideas from them: one is to try to enjoy my downtime. Yesterday morning I woke up and was really stressed out, even though I really had the morning free! I ended up not getting to enjoy my downtime as much as if I’d said to myself, yes, you have the morning off, so let’s drink some coffee, let’s read, and let’s not stress out about what comes next.

I don’t want to cut back on my work schedule right now, for a variety of reasons. But I do want to find more joy and enjoyment in my life. Sometimes I feel like the only thing all day that I look forward to is eating and having a drink at the end of the day, and that doesn’t seem quite right. I want to enjoy what I’m doing as I do it (…some students make this easier than others for sure!) and I want to have things in my life that I enjoy, that I look forward to, that I can just do and have fun with.

Granted, my philosophy for life isn’t centered around my own happiness as being the number one, but you read a lot of stuff about “self-care” and how you can’t help others if you aren’t doing okay yourself. And while I don’t think I’m dealing with any real depression right now, I have been feeling a little bit down, and feeling a little bit lonely in the world. I often feel like whatever I do is letting somebody down or upsetting somebody else. I know that that’s probably not quite true, and that I shouldn’t worry so much about other people, but…it’s always easier said than done!

But on the bright side: Louie’s birthday is coming up and we have some fun activities planned. We are heading into the fun part of the year with holiday after holiday. I’m making progress on a variety of home projects. I’m not managing to lose any weight, but I’m getting in much better shape, which is the true goal anyway. I should reevaluate some aspects of my diet, but I’m happy that I’ve gotten into a regular exercise routine again. I decided to treat myself and ordered a few actual paintings from Etsy that I really loved, so I’m looking forward to seeing those in person. And tonight will be pizza at Union Loafers with Louie and a friend (yes, I’m looking forward to food, but also seeing friends). I haven’t been able to get to Union Loafers for pizza in months, so I’m super excited! (It’s my favorite pizza place in town, currently.)

I know I need to focus on the positive. I’ve always struggled with feeling satisfied and finding joy in my life. I’m lucky that I have a full studio, a fairly full gig calendar, a loving partner, two adorable cats, some good friends even though I don’t have time for them, and family around the country that will always be there for me. I’m also lucky that the library lets you borrow ebooks for free, that I paid off my student loans over a year ago, and that the cost of living in my city is low enough that I can make a decent living as a musician. (It helps that I get my health care from my partner, because that is an expense that is MUCH cheaper through his employer.)

That is a lot of good things! So glad we had this talk. Also, I’m wearing a velvet top, which is a great thing about fall—fuzzy tops and sweaters. Related to fall: Louie has never had a pumpkin spice latte. I might have to have us make a stop over the weekend to indulge. He might hate them, but I won’t.