Category Archives: Hope

Don’t worry, we aren’t about to forget!

After the attacks, everybody wanted to share their stories.  Where were you?  What were you doing?  Did we really care where anybody else was?  Not really, I think everybody just wanted to share their own story…and ten years later, we’re doing it again.  With a bit more perspective, but only a bit.

September 11 means something different to anyone who lost a loved one.  I can’t imagine that pain.  The senseless loss.  The collective mourning, but yet…your loss being so personal.  I cannot imagine.  The rest of us, the lucky ones, we all experience September 11 in a completely different way.

I am having a tough time with the ten year anniversary.  Not because of the reminder of the attacks, because, well, frankly, who has forgotten?  Nobody has forgotten.  It’s not a reminder of that.  It’s a reminder of ten years passing by and feeling like a blink.  For me it’s a reminder of who I was then and who I am now…so much the same and yet so different.

Ten years ago I had just finished up school.  I attended the Cleveland Institute of Music for college and then stayed on to do my graduate work as well.  I won a position with the Charlotte Symphony on May 21, 2001, (read my orchestra auditions post for more information on that process!) and spent the summer in Cleveland working part time and hanging out with my friends, including Sarah, who will be one of my bridesmaids and has been my best friend since the summer of 1998.  Chris and I had been dating for just over two years and we were having trouble deciding whether or not to make a go of it long-distance.  I wanted to, he was apprehensive.  We did agree to continue dating.

I moved to Charlotte in chunks.  I didn’t own any real furniture to speak of other than a small wooden futon, but I had music, books, clothing, and naturally (it was 2001) CD’s and videos.  My father had been up during the summer and I had loaded down his car with some boxes of stuff.  I went down to visit at some point in the summer and found a place to live in Charlotte.

I could dig out my calendar and find the real timetable, but a few days before September 11 I left Cleveland and went to Charlotte to sign my lease and drop some stuff off at my apartment.  I then drove two hours to my parents’ house and planned to load up some more things, including some furniture they were giving me, and was going to drive up again on September 11.  The following day I had a meeting with the personnel manager of the orchestra, then a few more days to get organized and perhaps visit my parents again, before work started the following week.  Like I said, I don’t remember the exact timetable.

I was 23 years old.  I was young, fresh-faced, idealistic, and was just at the beginning of my career.  I planned to do some teaching, but hadn’t done much yet.  I couldn’t WAIT to use my violin skills in an awesome professional orchestra.  I felt incredibly lucky to have won a job, and yet thought really highly of myself as well for having done so.  I still called adults by Mr. and Mrs. insert last name, and I had never really lived on my own before.  (dramatic statement ahead) I felt as if I had my whole life in front of me, and the possibilities were endless, limitless, and amazing.  I really couldn’t wait to start my job.  I was…king of the world!  (Okay, I”m sorry I said that.  But I’m not taking it back.  I really felt like that!)

The morning of September 11 my parents went to work.  I was in my old bedroom (it later became Carrie’s, I think, but not yet) and was woken up repeatedly by the phone ringing.  I remember being annoyed because I wanted to sleep in.  I got up around 10:30 am, checked my email (AOL dial up), even sent a few emails to friends (I didn’t have my own computer, so this was my last chance for awhile), and got into my car.

I drove a bit and then turned on NPR after a few miles.  You can imagine my shock.  I didn’t understand what was going on.  I drove for two hours to Charlotte in fear and confusion.  By the time I hit the road both towers had already fallen.  I couldn’t get through to anyone on my cell phone, so I just decided to continue on through to Charlotte, get there, hook up the television and antenna, and figure out my next move.  I finally left a message for Chris but didn’t get to talk to him for hours.

I didn’t really understand the scope of it until I unloaded my car in Charlotte.  I plugged in the television and antenna, and it was then I saw my first footage of the planes going into the buildings, the buildings on fire, and ultimately, the buildings collapsing.

I did finally get in touch with Chris and some other friends as well.  My mom had been calling the house all morning, to tell me to get up, turn on the TV, and maybe to not go to Charlotte.  I can’t remember if I stayed the night in Charlotte or if I drove back that night, but I remember spending at least two days at home on the couch with my mother watching Peter Jennings on ABC.  Peter Jennings brought us through the disaster.  (When he died a few years ago I felt true pain because I felt so connected to him during this time.)

We all know the rest of the story of 9/11.  For weeks we all were afraid something else would happen.  We as a people considered giving up so many liberties and privileges (and did give up many things) in exchange for “safety.”  But that’s not the subject of this post.

What is the rest of my story?  Obviously I’m not in Charlotte anymore.  I learned quickly that my concept of what a professional orchestra career would be like was very different from my reality.  I was SO excited.  I remember how disappointed I was FROM DAY ONE in my job.  Nobody cared.  Nobody tried to play well.  I kept taking auditions.  I wanted to get out, to move one.  One member of the orchestra told me I needed to just settle down and realize that this was as far as I was going to get.  I was 24 years old at that time!  Give up????  I haven’t given up ten years later—I am not ever going to give up and settle in my life, but I sure as heck wasn’t going to do at 24.

After two years, I left.  One of the things I am most proud of with myself is my ability to LEAVE things and people that make me unhappy.  I’m a quitter, in a way, but I quit things for myself, for my own happiness, to start something new and better.  I’ve never regretted leaving the Charlotte Symphony.  I’m sure it’s a different place now—I know some people play there now and really enjoy it, and that’s great for them.  It wasn’t for me.

I went back to Cleveland, where I started freelancing and teaching like a madman.  I learned how to make opportunities for myself, how to teach children, how to deal with people (well, still working on that) and how to work 70 hour weeks.  Was Cleveland awesome?  No.  But I put together a basically full-time orchestra and teaching career and made enough money to do what I wanted to do, more than enough money.

But then we moved to St Louis.  My career here is VERY slow. And that hurts, so much of the time.  But I feel like things are starting to turn around.  I love this blog.  I am really liking my new teaching job, which could become full-time, if I want a full-time job.  I LOVE playing with Chamber Project St Louis, and I have so many more interests and varied friendships than I ever have.

I miss orchestra playing most of the time though—it leaves a void that I keep trying to fill and fail to do so—but I need to remember that I am only 33 and who KNOWS where I (we) will be in ten years.  On the 20th anniversary of 9/11, I plan to look back and see how much farther I have come, and I hope I am more proud of myself.  I would make some goals for myself, but I prefer to take things as they come.  You never know what life is going to throw at you or what opportunities will present themselves, but you can be ready to go with the flow and do what needs to be done.

The other day a friend of mine told me I would always do well in life because I was the most resourceful person she knew.  It meant so much to me to hear that.  I think that’s a strength I often forget I have, that I will come up with solutions to problems, and that I am not afraid of hard work and trying new things to get to where I need to be.

Let us go forward from today with hope and love for our fellow humans.  I saw this quote on a friend’s twitter this morning:

Imagine what our real neighborhoods would be like if each of us offered…just 1 kind word to another person. -Mr. Rogers

Labor Dabor

Just an FYI that this week will likely be light on blogging.  It’s a busy week and I can already tell I’m not going to be feeling it.  Got two concerts, possible dad visit, plus the usual teaching and ocarina trio rehearsals.  Plus some other stuff that I’m working on.

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Hadn’t thought about Homestar in awhile but my sister Leslie posted this link on my facebook today.  Watch it.  And if you are new to Homestar, he will change your life.  Or something.

Like I said, have a good week.  I’ll pop in if I can manage. 

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Community

Today was a hard day for me.  On the one hand, I met up with an old friend for the first time in over a decade, and met her husband and 6 month old.  I’ll talk about that more in the future.

On the other hand, I spent a lot of time worried about my friend who was in the car accident.  It was a hard day for everybody who knew her.

My college was a small one, so we all knew each other.  She wasn’t one of my best friends, but I knew and liked her, and I ran into her again in March of this year and we had dinner together and talked quite a bit, about her current life, her fiancé, her wedding, and all other kinds of things.  I’m just reeling from the shock, though I know others are more personally affected and have more right to be upset.  My heart goes out to them as well.

If you want to see what happened, here’s a link to a news report about the accident.  I had a really hard time dealing with driving on the interstate today.  I kept thinking about that picture and fighting with tears.

I am completely blown away by people’s responses on facebook today.  However, sitting here obsessively stalking facebook for news is probably not helpful.

I am struck by the fact that I do indeed belong to a community of wonderful and thoughtful people who live all over the world.  I hate the circumstances that bring this realization.  Today, I am so glad I went to a small conservatory.  Today, I am happy to be still paying my student loans.  I am so proud of my friends.

I think we are all shocked.  This sort of thing could happen to anyone at any time.  We are all lucky every day when nothing horrible happens.  But we humans are so resilient that we continue to be shocked when awful things happen.

I just hope that the human body can be as resilient.

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Please pray for Alicia Doudna and Andrew Kratzat and their friends and family. 

Happy Memorial Day

It’s going to be a hot day today…

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I daresay summer is officially here.

We are heading to a friend’s bbq this afternoon.  I’ve made a pie and a pasta salad.  We musicians always try to outdo each other with the food.

Chris wants a dog.  I have a bad feeling that at some point in my life I will be a dog owner.  I never anticipated that.  Maybe I’ll counter that if he gets a dog I get a daughter?  (cue awkward pause).

(pause continues)

 

 

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I’d better go check on the pasta salad, see how that’s coming along.

Tornadoes

Today we are under another tornado watch.  These storms are just ridiculous.  I don’t know if it’s global warming, or simply the Midwest being a crazy place to live, but the past few months have been just awful.  First it was the New Year’s Eve tornado in Sunset Hills, then the Good Friday tornadoes, the tornadoes in Alabama, then the destruction of Joplin, Missouri.  And there are more today. 

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Here’s an article on what you can do for the people of Joplin.

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You can text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 to American Red Cross Disaster Relief.  Or you can go directly to the website hereIf you can afford to donate and haven’t, please do.  I see lots of folks on facebook who say they are praying and that sort of thing.  Give money.  Or go volunteer, if you have the skills.  Do something tangible.  Don’t just update your facebook status.

Here’s an article summarizing the awfulness.

Okay, back to me 😉

I need to go to the Ballet School this afternoon for teaching.  I plan to leave early to get there (hopefully) before the storm hits.  It’s been a great day so far.  This morning we met with a possible officiant for our wedding (we are looking at one other person) and the meeting was really enjoyable.  After that I ran in the park.  I have made Wednesdays my official speed day so today I alternated sprinting with walking until I made it all the way around the park.  It was a very impromptu workout but I think, very effective (at least, I was sweating all over, hyperventilating, and felt somewhat nauseous.  If that’s not a good workout, I don’t know what is.) 

Tonight I look forward to relaxing at home and perhaps catching up on a couple of television programs (the Borgias and maybe the Office.)  Long term I am looking forward to my sister Leslie coming to visit at the end of August, and hopefully my other sister Carrie as well!!

Edited to add:

So I should have called ahead before heading to the ballet school, but I didn’t fathom they would close…right when I got off the exit.  So then it was a race back home whilst the sirens were going off.  Lots of worry and fingernail biting ensued, but I made it home without incident or death.  Then I holed up inside watching the weather, and heard some CRAZY hail outside.

I haven’t gone outside to inspect my car yet…my friend Jen says hers has some hail damage, and I’m just avoiding it.  From across the street it looks ok…

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These are what we found in the immediate vicinity.  Nothing like this photo I stole from Jen:

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from www.stltoday.com

Grand Adventure

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” –J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)

And so my grand adventure of life continues.  The events of the weekend (here and here) are in the past. And (not to be so terribly clichéd but clichés ARE there for a reason) all we can do is look forward to the next challenge, to the next adventure.

A friend said yesterday, well, yes, of course you can’t plan everything, but why not assume you WILL be here in St Louis and make your wedding plans accordingly.  And then, if something changes, well, then you’ll just come back to get married.  Wise word, indeed!  (Using indeed because I am feeling wizard-y and Gandalf-y).

Right now the idea of wedding planning makes me exhausted, and yes, I am quite angry at this city of St Louis and all that goes into it, but there’s no reason not to start planning {again}.  Maybe not this week as there are so many things I haven’t done in the past week or two that I must do, but shortly after that.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” –Alexander Graham Bell

There will always be doors.  We have worked too hard and have too much going for us to have the doors shut.  But we must be careful of glass doors.  Birds often fly into those.

Friends are relatives you make for yourself.  ~Eustache Deschamps

Many people live near their parents and family.  I do not.  Those of us who live away from our families bond together.  We celebrate holidays together.  And we become each other’s families.  It doesn’t mean we love our blood relatives less, because love is not something finite.  My parents moved away from their homes to start their own lives and I always knew I would do the same.

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