Category Archives: Random thoughts

Day 5

Some people are doing a good job keeping up on all the changes from day to day. I’m just struggling to get by—making the transition to online teaching, reading and responding to dozens upon dozens of emails about online teaching, about dealing with the restrictions the virus has thrown upon us…spending too much time reading the news and scrolling (this I need to cut down on)…it’s been a tough time!

I’ve made a document of all the gigs and concerts that I’ve lost so far. It’s been a lot, but I can power through. I’m missing playing though, and I’m debating whether doing a live stream “concert” would be something worth doing?

I’m lucky in that so far all of my private students are agreeing to move online, but the longer this goes on…how many of them will have to cut back on violin lessons as an unnecessary expense? Hopefully few and I can keep my hope up! I’m also teaching most of my college students in a similar way and honestly, it is almost as good as an in person lesson. You don’t need a lot of fancy technology, unless you don’t have a computer or a smart phone. People online will make you think you need a $400 microphone and expensive headset to make it work, but so far the biggest difference I’ve seen in my lessons seems to be the internet connection. I joined a few facebook groups for online teaching ideas, and one of the posts yesterday seemed to imply that you should make sure no one else was using the internet for streaming as it would slow down your connection. I thought that was hilarious because at my house I’m using video chat and Louie is streaming video and using video chat for his job as well and we just have to deal.

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I sometimes think maybe my students are just different than others…other teachers say, make them use zoom. I feel like if I tell mine to do something specific that will just make everyone give up. I asked mine to do what was easiest for them, and truly, everybody has different technology comfort levels. For instance, I was attempting to use bluetooth headphones yesterday and I couldn’t get them to work and so ended up hanging up on a student. Another student couldn’t get the video on skype to work and ended up having to use a different device. Some tell me they’ve never used video chat before and don’t understand it at all…I think the name of the game right now is making people feel as comfortable as possible so I’m teaching using a variety of platforms, and it seems to be working well enough. I won’t insist that their parents stop working remotely during the lesson even if it slows down the internet because that is (dare I say it) more important than the lesson. Music is important to life, but let’s not overstate the importance of a music lesson. I think it’s important for kids to keep things as normal as possible, and that it’s important to learn music, and if we are going to be stuck inside for awhile, we might as well keep going, plus it’s something to keep occupied with and take your mind off other difficulties. But I don’t care if the sound quality is a bit sketchy and if the student isn’t standing exactly in the right place. Maybe I need to step away from the facebook groups!

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So how are we doing? Stressed and anxious…but doing okay. I’ve been eating well (we’ve been cooking up tons of vegetables) and exercising daily since getting back from Atlanta. I miss going out and seeing people—I never even thought of myself as that social but there’s something about feeling like you can’t do something that makes you especially miss it. I suppose our favorite activity to do was to go out to eat, to let someone else serve up the food, and we would eat it surrounded by other people chatting and hanging out. Who knows when we will get to do that again?

I am still holding out a twinge of hope that summer is better but I also know this could go on for a year or more, at least in some form. I have plenty of toilet paper because I stocked up before we went to Atlanta. Louie can do his job remotely, even if he also misses going to work and seeing colleagues and being around people (it’s the being around people, just generally, that really bugs me). I am lucky to have him, and I feel empathy for those that live alone and might feel especially lonely. I worry about the long reaching effects of social distancing. I worry about job losses, especially for the self-employed, and also for those with employers. In my field, most people have lost their work, so many if not most of my friends are affected. I have friends who are already on furlough from their jobs as well. We may not get to go to France, but it’ll be okay: we will go another time. Or we will still go…part of me still has hope that the scientists and doctors will figure this out really quickly!

I call this Day 5 because we drove back from visiting friends in Atlanta last Sunday, so this is Day 5 of teaching from home. The weird thing is that I actually have a weekend in front of me: with proper time off and everything, even though I didn’t ask for it and didn’t want it. We’ve decided to start a garden since I have the time, and bought things we needed earlier in the week. It’s been quite rainy this week but hopefully tomorrow we can at least start the weeding and redo the borders on the garden beds in the backyard (they used to have bricks lining them, but with the plumbing issue last year the backhoe ruined a lot of them).

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It’s too bad we don’t have any leadership from the state or federal level in this crisis, but our city leaders have been doing well. We need more testing and we need help for people—I am a firm believer in straight up cash to help out, because what else will really do it? But our federal elected officials are more concerned with making profits and hiding the truth than actually helping people or avoiding a pandemic (horrible conspiracy theories involving the president either causing the pandemic for profit or, at a minimum, allowing it to grow for profit, start to feel more real when you read about senators having intelligence briefings, then selling stock and buying stock in companies that help you telecommute, and then telling the american people that the virus is under control or not an issue at all…it starts to make you think anything is possible with these horrible people in charge, who care only about their own personal profits).

I know I’m ranting, but this is my page to do so Smile . And things are rough right now, for everybody. Don’t you wish we had a president you could trust was doing her (or his, I suppose) best for the nation, for everybody in it?

Anyway, what are your weekend plans? Are you going to work on your yard, if you have one? Binge watch TV? Rearrange your furniture? Watch live-stream concerts?

Delight

I was listening to an episode of This American Life yesterday about delight, and various stories about people who find delight in their lives. It reminded me quite a bit about Gretchen Rubin and the Happiness Project stuff she works with.

I think lately I’ve been struggling finding happiness. Having another headache this week (not as bad as the other week, but still overwhelming at times) hasn’t helped in any way. Worrying about coronavirus and the presidential election (which honestly, hasn’t the primary been going on for a year now and still isn’t over) isn’t helping either. I do find myself happier when I ignore the news, but then I’m uninformed, and I’m not sure I want to trade that.

I was trying to think, what brings me delight? What are moments throughout the day that I can find happiness to relieve the tedium and stress I seem to be finding on an everyday basis. It’s hard. I feel like I’m working too much and not getting a lot of enjoyment out of my work. And then I just get done, and I’m exhausted and Louie is exhausted and we make a quick dinner and watch a show on netflix and then go to bed, and the day starts again the next day the same way. If we are lucky, we might have time to go do something outside, like a hike or run, but lately every time I do high impact exercise (okay, this has been twice in the past three weeks) I end up with a terrible headache after…(each time I started with a  mild headache hoping I would sweat it out). So my running is also super slow, which is something I don’t enjoy but it’s hard, and then that is something else that is bringing me stress. Hiking is fun, and we enjoyed the one last weekend, but then I work a lot of weekends and we don’t always have time. Traveling is fun, and we are planning to go to Paris this summer as part of a work conference for Louie…except we are worried about it getting canceled due to the coronavirus and then what? Seeing friends can be fun, but there’s often a pressure to drink alcohol and I’m cutting back due to my headaches, and honestly, who has the time? It would be nice to do other things with friends, museums, hiking etc, but then it all boils down to time and the lack of it. I’m probably doing too many things, and I’m doing too many things that just don’t bring me enough delight (or joy) but then I just don’t know which ones to give up. All of it? Just quit it all and spend my days in meditation?

So what I’m left with is stealing time during the day to read, which I do truly enjoy. And blog, which is good because even though I just seem annoyed and possibly a bit depressed, blogging is a small delight.

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Cats always bring joy, except when they run away and then they bring great sadness. Muriel is not worried about her joy and is just enjoying the sun and bird watching. I should be like Muriel in many ways.

I think having a few days away next week will be really good! I am feeling like I’m in a bit of a funk and usually the best way to break that is to mix things up a bit. I’m visiting April in Atlanta, and I think that will really help my mood. I’m also visiting my doctor soon to talk about my headache issue and hopefully get some ideas on relief. It’s possible they are stress related as well, and I am going to reflect on how I can reduce stress, at least on the inside. I can’t control the my outside world (I’m talking on a larger level) but I can work on my inside world, and my immediate outside world.

Cliff Cave Park

It was a gorgeous weekend, weather-wise, so Louie and I took a hike one day. There had been an article in the local paper about various places to hike and it mentioned Cliff Cave Park. I had had it on my list for a bit, but it often seemed to be flooded. I assumed (incorrectly) that since the article mentioned no flooding that the park would be fine to hike.

To be fair, we were still able to hike several miles, but a long part of the hike was closed due to flooding. Dear reporters, don’t just google stuff and put together an article. Maybe go check it out.

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Anyway, it was a lovely day and we enjoyed walking around near the Mississippi River. We probably walked about 4 miles total.

Otherwise, the weekend flew by. For once we didn’t have any concerts to attend, but I had a bunch of rehearsals and a few students, and before we knew it, it was Monday again.

I have now done a fair amount to “prepare” for coronavirus disruptions. We probably have two weeks of food and 3 days of water (for whatever reason) so I feel better about things. I suppose I’m tired of feeling like everything is terrible and feeling helpless and that our president is a completely narcissistic fool and yet so many of my fellow Americans are…well, fine with that. It’s upsetting.

I’m also annoyed that we don’t get to vote in the primary today. I’m annoyed that we don’t all vote on the same day: the concept of momentum is stupid, and we should all just get to vote on the same day (or week, really) for the candidate we think would do the best job. Perhaps even the top three candidates, in order, and then the one who got the most votes would become the nominee. Why does the primary season feel like it’s been going on my whole adult life?

In any case, the weather is beautiful, I don’t have to teach until 1 pm, so maybe I’ll get out for a run! Sorry there aren’t any cat pictures——I ‘ve been too busy to take any, and honestly, she just does the same things Winking smile

Popping in Again

A more positive post: I have gotten so many things done today! I’m still a bit under the weather but I’ve made various appointments, made a marmalade and a pickled mushroom recipe (really, I don’t know why, except I’m obsessed), organized my music for a concert in late March, done laundry, dishes, and I think I’ll even have a bit of time in the afternoon to both relax AND practice a bit. I won’t let the world get me down!

I am looking forward to spring break. It’s tricky to even take a break, as none of my different schedules actually line up to have a break, so I’m taking a break with the college students and Louie, by extension, and we are going to hit the road to visit my friend April. I haven’t left town in some time and I think it’s wearing on me. We are also planning a fun day this Saturday and hoping the weather forecast holds: we have plans to hike and also have a fun dinner with friends. This weekend shockingly doesn’t have ANY performances to attend, and I think we will really enjoy not seeing a concert. I have enough rehearsals on Sunday and then next week to make up for it anyway.

I think I’m doing too much, overall, but I’m not entirely sure how to stop. I have a few students who are quitting/cutting back and my impulse right now is to not fill those spaces. The only sort of annoying thing is that I do have some awkward times open on Tuesdays, and I dislike having a 30 minute spot here and there, because it ends up being 20 minutes of me just doing absolutely nothing, because the students will stretch to fill the space and then I don’t have enough time or energy to do anything useful! So I guess I’d like to fill up about 1 hour worth of students earlier in the day on Tuesday and then not fill the later times and end up having some earlier evenings some days. I may not try to do anything right now and see how things shake out over the summer and fall.

So anyway, just rambling thoughts. This post probably needs more cat pictures but I don’t have any good ones right now and she’s hiding under the desk. Smile

Snow

The good news is I’m finally staring to feel better. It’s been a rough week!

The bad news, well, we are all going to get the coronavirus, right? Or it might interrupt our upcoming travel plans. I did go down a bit of a rabbit hole yesterday learning about things, and then ended up stocking up a bit more on canned goods and bottled water than I might normally have. I suppose this fits in well with my jamming and pickling hobbies! I guess if we all get quarantined I can always teach facetime lessons? The president tweeting about fake news and stock markets and how CNN is lying about the stock market and the virus to make him look bad (yes, this just happened) probably isn’t helping anybody here feel safer…nor is it helping the stock market, I wouldn’t think. If the flu is making people panic, there’s certainly no reason to stop panicking yet. But remember, don’t cash out your 401k. Markets go up and down, and this one went up for a long time.

On other notes, since I’m feeling better I’m finally going to try to work out this morning. It snowed overnight so it’ll be an indoor workout (yes, it snowed—it was 60 degrees on Sunday and it snowed here, which would be absolutely unbelievable if you had literally never been anywhere in the Midwest before—if you had, you would shrug and say, c’est la vie!).

And then I don’t know. Wednesdays are my day to catch up on everything, and I have a lot of things I should do and will do, but I am also still recovering. I’m tired, I’m sniffly (which doesn’t even seem to be a real word!), and I have a lot of things to do that I don’t feel like doing. I’ll probably do some of them and kick the others down the road until later. Maybe productivity is overrated…if the president can spend most of his days tweeting and golfing, why do the rest of us have to do any work?

Headaches

I get a lot of headaches. I’ve always gotten a lot of headaches. My eye doctor will tell me it’s my vision, eye strain, what have you. I’m used to popping an ibuprofen or two a few times a week.

The past year or so, I’ve been having a very bad reaction sometimes after drinking a glass or two of red wine. I’d wake up with an absolutely horrible headache, a dull ache that wouldn’t go away for anything…no amount of water drinking, ibuprofen, excedrin, would do anything. It would get gradually better and usually by the fourth morning I would be good as gold. Yes, three days. I didn’t mention this to my doctor because 1)I think it had only happened once or twice since I last saw the doctor and 2)because it seemed to be alcohol related and so I figured, well, I’ll just stop drinking red wine.

Which mostly worked, until Tuesday morning, when I woke up with a dull headache that I thought, well a workout will help that and then by noon was dealing with a full blown headache compounded with grips of nausea and blurriness. And I hadn’t had anything to drink for several days before hand (though I recall being tired, and having neck pain, but neck pain is a fact of life for a violinist, at least on occasion!). I felt like a loser, but I ended up having to cancel my teaching that day and just laid around doing very little, napping quite a bit. I figured by the following day I would be doing better, but then I had trouble sleeping and no matter which way I lay down my head hurt and I spent some time in the bathroom feeling like I was going to throw up.

The next morning I didn’t feel better, so I called my doctor, and they couldn’t fit me in until the following day, so I headed to an urgent care center for the first time in my life. Things that are broken in our health system: I still don’t know how much this will cost me. I have excellent insurance, except it’s a high deductible PPO plan, which means things are negotiated but I still have to pay up to the deductible, which is low for a high deductible plan, but still. And of course, nobody knows what anything costs at the point of service. Like, this isn’t news, we all know these things suck, and yet, we act like this is just fine and normal and that it’s totally acceptable that I’m sitting in an urgent care center being asked questions and the doctor thinks maybe we should do a brain scan and I’m texting with Louie wondering if that’s necessary, how much it will cost, and trying to figure out if there’s any way we could possible know if that would be in or out of network (since our deductible is different for those two options.) We decided there was actually no way to know (he is no stranger to insurance companies) and I actually opted NOT to get the brain scan. Maybe I will later, if another doctor tells me I need it.

In any case, they think it’s migraines, that I have been having migraine headaches and that I was in the middle of one. They hooked me up to an IV for what they called a “headache cocktail” and I stayed there for about an hour and half, hooked up to the tubes, watching HGTV on mute (the noise annoyed me) and being generally uncomfortable. It did help the headache slightly, and I haven’t had any nausea since, and they sent me home with some more drugs to take, and I’m supposed to do a follow-up with a neurologist or maybe my regular doctor. I’m on day 3 of the headache now, and it’s still here, but it’s very mild and I can handle it. I couldn’t sleep well last night, probably some of the drugs, and I know it’s going to be a long day of teaching today (I see 7 1/2 hours of students across 8 hours and those things tend to spread) and another long day tomorrow, so if nothing else, hopefully I can sleep tonight.

I did tell my students yesterday the gist of what was going on. I always try to pretend everything is fine, and then occasionally cancel a day of teaching, but I had already done that and really did want to teach the day for money reasons. I ended up having to cancel a couple in order to get settled after the doctor’s (and squeeze in a nap and a shower in the hopes I’d wake up from the nap magically better…did not happen). But then I taught a few hours and it was fine. I’ve taught through headaches before, but it’s just when you are wracked with nausea it’s much harder.

I don’t know what happens next, other than I will be following up. The internet is full of helpful, not helpful, and somewhat terrifying information. I think this probably happened about three times last year, maybe four, and this is the first time I’ve had an incident like this completely independent of red wine (the first few times it happened I hadn’t yet made the connection), so who knows what brought it on. It’s also possible that I’d been taking a bit too much ibuprofen the past few years—I hurt my neck during a concert/sleeping funny a couple weeks ago and I’d been taking some medicine for that. The internet says headaches can be caused by taking too much medicine, so after I nip this one in the bud I’ll try to resort to topical treatments for awhile.

It’s not fun, being sick, is it? And as a self-employed person I don’t  get sick days, so any time off is money lost (plus the money spent at the doctor, which again, who knows what that is going to be? Seriously, I don’t know if it’ll be $200 or $1200 or??) It’s the cost of business, and I run my budget low assuming that I’ll have some lost income  (plus my taxes are always a who knows what that will be so I save plenty), but it’s really stupid. I didn’t get to choose my doctor either since they were booked up (and the appointment that was available wasn’t with the doctor anyway, it was with a nurse practitioner who would be perfectly qualified, but a complete stranger, so all that bs about choosing your own doctor, is simply bs. You get who you get, and you can try to choose, but when you get sick, you wait in line, you get who is available, and you have no idea what it’ll cost you.) Our health care system sucks, and every time I use it I am reminded of that, and I am also reminded that I only get to have the good health care I have throughout my boyfriend’s employer. Otherwise I’d be on the exchange, and paying hundreds of dollars a month for an even worse plan and constantly living in fear of losing my health care when the GOP decides to finally pull the plug on the ACA…why is health care only something for the rich? Okay, rant over, for now.

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While writing this blog I got an email that my first student has canceled. I got up early for them, but really I got up early because I couldn’t sleep any more, even though I feel like I barely slept. I am tempted to just cancel my entire morning and go back and lie down, but I think I’d better not. Ooh, on the bright side I pick up our “crop box” today, our second one. We will be getting fun stuff like mushrooms, blood oranges, watermelon radish and white turnip. I have recipes and plans in place, and don’t even plan to do much pickling as we have two jars of pickled things still left to eat (one jar of carrots/green radishes left, plus a half jar of pickled red onions.)

The week has been a bit of a bust. I planned to do a fair amount of practicing for an upcoming gig (we got the music really late and ended up having approximately a week to learn an opera before the first rehearsal) but due to my migraine, I have done no practicing. I am not too concerned, as I’m trying to let go of things I can’t change, and I’ll be fine for the first rehearsal, but it’s frustrating. You know I like planning and getting things done. And here it is Thursday again, and I feel like it should be Monday and I want a do-over of the week, but instead I’m headed into my two busiest days without having accomplished all the things I like to accomplished during my less busy days. I am basically caught up on emails though, and the other things are mostly things I’ve been pushing back anyway, so another week won’t hurt.

I think I’ll get another cup of coffee before I have to go teach, now that I have time. Or maybe a half cup, so I don’t overdo it on caffeine.