I had a busy weekend and I was dealing with a head cold the whole time, so I took this morning off to just relax. I had some errands to run in the afternoon so I did that and now I’m back, killing time until I have a rehearsal tonight.

It’s a busy week ahead, but I’m looking forward to it. I’m still a little worried about being overwhelmed in the fall, but I’m trying to stay positive and organized. I’m coming to terms with some things in my head, and I think after another year I might make some tweaks, but I can do it!

I sometimes think about what the future will bring. I have done a lot of different things in my career so far, and anytime I think I know the future things tend to change. I’ve been in St Louis for about 10 years now, can you believe it? I’m still considered “new” because I didn’t grow up here, but that’s almost as long as I lived in my “hometown” before college started! Louie and I occasionally ponder if we should stay here or consider moving elsewhere, and while I won’t be repeating my earlier mistakes of moving for a guy without a financial guarantee from him, I don’t want to live my life in fear of making mistakes! I haven’t in the past, and while I find myself wanting to be more cautious as I get older (isn’t that normal?) I still don’t want to be afraid to make any changes.

I know this is vague sounding, but it’s vague just because…I don’t have any concrete plans. Right now I’m just trying to figure out how to keep my stress levels down and how to have some semblance of a life while I’m working. I used to worry about work-life balance, now I feel like I’m so far tipped towards work that life went out the window. I don’t feel that I have close friends like I used to—I know that everybody says this is normal as we all get older and we are paired off—but I also see that many people I know seem to have close friends still, so I know it’s possible. Maybe it’s not possible for me, or maybe I’ll have to settle with a few decent friends rather than really close ones I can discuss hard topics with, but I can dream!

I went by the library today to renew my expired library card, but I couldn’t find it so I assumed I had left it in another wallet. A little later I did find it, but “renew library card” is still on my to-do list. I did get to the bank, though I have to go back later this week for another task, and it’s possible what I did at the bank won’t work so fingers crossed. (Transferring from one IRA to another…there were difficulties, which made me glad I enlisted help rather than doing it myself!)

Now the choice: what to do with the rest of the afternoon? Practice, read, clean? I think I know the answer to that one. Remember, I’m still getting over a cold and I already cleaned the upstairs thinking I was going to teach (student got sick).

AHHH this is so important, isn’t it?

The parents of students often tell me, oh you are so patient, or “you must be so patient.” I’m totally not. I’m very impatient, quick to anger, I get annoyed really easily! But students, no, because violin is totally hard to do and I get that they might sound terrible for awhile, so that doesn’t require patience. I find it very easy to just be nice to my students, because they are mostly trying their best, or because, failing that, they have other stuff going on and/or it’s certainly not worth getting annoyed at.

In any case, trying to get estimates on my front stairs is different. I feel like I’m trying so hard (well, as hard as one can try without actually calling and bugging people, which isn’t something I want to start doing at all) to get some people to show up and give me a freaking estimate on the repair job! I’ve spent a good amount of time the past week waiting. I’m still waiting on my first official estimate, but I feel pretty good about the guy earlier today, because he had a clipboard and everything. He told me I’d hear something in a few days, so let’s keep our fingers crossed. I have some more leads and appointments so hopefully something will pan out. *and in the meantime I got a phone call from another guy who is working on a quote…

So I’ve spent a bit of time this afternoon trying to stay near the front door in case somebody showed up. A thing you should know about my house (well, FedEx in particular should know): if you ring the doorbell, it’s really loud everywhere in the house, but if you knock, I can barely hear it, but especially not beyond the front two rooms. So I’m always worried when I’m expecting someone that they will knock and I won’t hear it (this has happened on many occasions) and then not notice the doorbell and just leave.

In any case, I feel like this week has been taken up so far with annoying tasks. I’ve been trying to spread them into next week also, because I realized that in my haste to GET THINGS DONE I started too many things and was feeling stressed out and that’s not how July needs to be. But all the tasks I’m doing seem to be slightly more annoying than they should be (I’m shocked by still how few tasks can be completed via the internet versus needing to talk on the phone or have a face to face) and that is trying my patience as well. On an unrelated note, I’ve recently noticed that I can hear trains more often while sitting at my computer than I used to be able to. Perhaps that’s because my air conditioning is softer than it used to be (new system from last summer)?

So there you have it. Patience. I have it for a few things, at least.

I suppose this is why people complain about contractors and try to do things themselves. To be fair, I know people call me when I’m busy and then sometimes when I call back they are unbelievably rude, so I’m trying to be nice (and there’s no reason not to: either the person will help me or not, my being rude doesn’t help anyone)…recently somebody lefta message on Friday and when I called back on Monday they acted incredibly rude. That wasn’t the first time something like that has happened, but it was the latest time and since then, phone messages have really stressed me out because I’m afraid people are going to yell at me when I call back.

In fact, this blog is a little bit of therapy, because writing that out made me realize how true it is. That since a woman a few months ago yelled at me on the phone I’ve been super anxious about responding to phone calls to the point that I sometimes don’t even respond. I know that most people are actually really polite and great, and even when I call after they’ve found another teacher are usually perfectly polite about it (especially as I’m often returning their call to only give them recommendations)…but that one person was so rude. And it made me mad too, because don’t I get weekends off? I certainly don’t expect people to call me about business matters on weekends, so calling first thing Monday morning for a message left late on a Friday afternoon IS calling back right away, and yet, this woman was so awful.

I’m just ranting now. This week is so crazy (treason much?) and it’s only Tuesday, but I only have two more students today and then 17 more for the week…summer teaching is going well!

Fun fact: I don’t think that I’m a millenial. But I do enjoy using the phrase “adulting.” I spent last week trying to get in touch with various concrete companies to get an estimate on my front steps…and it looks like that project will continue. I also stuck my toes into two other home related issues and am working on moving some bank accounts around, so I have a lot of adulting happening.

But, it’s Monday. I had an open rehearsal at a student strings camp with my quartet (we did a rehearsal with them observing…we probably got a lot more done than usual!) and then I hit up Target. I bought four new cat toys, so naturally they are fighting over the same toy. And I should say, 4 cat toys but 2 of each are the same! I also am trying to get on top of the cat litter situation. Cats are cute. But they do go the bathroom in a box in your house and my god the second cat has exponentially added to the litter situation. I’m having to clean it out more than once a day (we have two boxes, one is very popular, the other less so) which is frankly ridiculous. I’m hoping this settles down as he grows up? Is more than once a day normal?

What else is going on…I have a “light” week this week, but the weekend is busy. I just added it up to see how crazy I am and my “light” week looks to be about 38 hours of rehearsals/teaching. Maybe that isn’t so light after all…then again I have an entire day off, so that’s good enough! A few weeks ago I was having an existential crisis about no one hiring me (or was it yesterday?) but now I’ve gotten back into having a few gigs, and I realized that I am just a little bit insane and should have relaxed. Somebody remind me of that next summer, okay? That it’s okay to have a little time off, even three weekends in a row is okay and doesn’t mean you are unhirable.

Mostly I have been relaxing with the cats. They are highly entertaining, and you know, they grow up so fast. My band had a recording session on Saturday morning which went really well.

Three weeks from today we hit the road for another trip. And after that, school is back in session and we are back to it…part of me feels like summer has been going on forever and another part of me says it’s flying by! Probably a bit of both. I’ve been reading more than anything else—I just haven’t wanted to practice…just tired of it, I guess—and doing well creating an exercise habit. I’m also chipping away at my summer to-do list, so that’s the adulting part. I think I’ll start the fall in a good place mentally, so that should be good.

Blah, blah, blah. I know. It’s Monday

Just so you all know, I mostly blog when I have a little free time and often when I’m overthinking things. If I have free time, sometimes I choose to read a book instead…so I’m not necessarily as stressed out and anxious as I might sound!

I am finding it hard to be inspired to DO anything this summer though. I was just talking with the mom of a student about this…it’s so easy when you have more time to think you’ll do this and that (for me, I planned to do a lot of de-cluttering, re-organize my kitchen, get some house repairs going with estimates at least, and do some sort of larger business accounting things that might save me some money in the longer term)…and then you realize over a month has gone by and mostly you’ve been reading books and planning your upcoming vacation instead. So I could throw in the towel and say, those other things are going to get done, or I could do what I would do during the year and break those tasks into smaller tasks and get going on them. I decided a few days ago to postpone some of the business tasks because they just aren’t really necessary, and started on one. And then I guess I’ll look at concrete work (my front steps are a mess!) and also plan out some time this week to de-clutter a few things.  And I just made an appointment to get some boxes picked up for donations, which means that I’ll have a deadline to get those put together.

The truth is that I love lying around reading. I also love making music, and I love going on trips and planning them out ahead of time and writing about them afterwards and talking about them. And it should be okay with me to do that—to read a book in the middle of an afternoon guilt-free! I just have this great fear of being lazy and wasting my life

Miles does not have this fear. Miles does exactly what he wants.

I just got the mail and I got a couple of books I’d ordered to inform and inspire my trip in August (to Charleston and Savannah). I think I’ll take a little time and get started on my reading. I should do a little practicing, but I just haven’t been in the mood lately, and I think that’s okay. My goal for this week is to get a few things done, but also to truly allow myself to relax and wallow in having a little more time. I also have a few more things to do…a gig, plus a recording session with my band—we are recording at least 3 tunes, and I’m excited but nervous about it. Several of the tunes have improvisational parts and it seems more permanent to record an improvised part than to do it on the spot, yet, I want it to feel on the spot. So it’s just something to ponder, and probably I need to just relax and make sure I get a lot of sleep before then.

My friend and bandmate Meghan. We hosted an open mic last night. I was exhausted by the end because I’d been up so late the night before with our 4th of July barbecue! But it was quite fun nonetheless.

Annoying banking things: trying to transfer money from one HSA to another. Maybe I can get that figured out before my next student arrives!

Or maybe I should just try to finish my current book as to start on one of the new ones I just got?

It’s hard, isn’t it, feeling like the world is terrible and that you can’t do much to change it? Babies being locked up for 85 days without being bathed…and I don’t want to look up more news stories to link to. We all live here, we all hear about it. Things are not good in the world, and it seems like those in power are fine with it as long as they keep getting their money!

So, this probably weighs on me. Honestly, I’ve been stressed out since Election Night. It ebbs and flows, but it’s always there. And then that stress carries into other aspects of my life. I start freaking out because I haven’t had a proper gig in weeks—what if I never get hired again? (Never mind that I have a wonderful fall schedule already lined up, with some stuff I’m super excited about…) My inner critic starts telling me that people don’t like me because I post too much about politics on facebook. Or that they aren’t hiring me because they think I’m on vacation too often, or because I write this blog about myself and they are laughing at me or judging me for telling the world my insecurities, or because there are new, younger people in town that they’d rather work with and who are more available than I am. And honestly, some of those things might be true, and I need to allow that to be okay.  It’s okay for other people to work. It’s okay for me to have a little breathing room. I just start worrying that I’m not going to be working again…I feel like my work here is so precarious and took so long to get to a point where I could support myself (that literally took nearly 5 years to get to that point, even though I was mostly supporting myself anyway, even though that wasn’t actually part of the deal with moving here for somebody else’s job!) that I spend too much time worrying. My financial situation is fine now, but I’m constantly worried everything will go away! I know it’s not entirely rational and I also know a big part of my worry is general worry about the state of life in this country and what will happen next…I’m just a worrier, and it comes and goes, but never entirely leaves me.

This was an easy week, as all of them have been since I got back from vacation. I only taught 22 students, which seemed like basically nothing. And I’ve done quite a lot of working out, some cleaning up around the house, very little practice (I’m taking it easy on that too, it seems), lots of reading, and of course, there was the 4th of July holiday in there. And oh my gosh it’s been hot outside, so I’ve been avoiding it when possible. Tomorrow is our annual 4th of July party on the Saturday after the 4th, and next week I have a gig and a recording session with Third Millenium World’s Fair to look forward to, along with another 22 or so students—July is the lightest teaching month as so many people are traveling or at camps or whatever, and it really is okay. I am currently at capacity for my teaching studio, which means that probably sometime next year I will start to panic that I don’t have enough students. I suppose it’s possible I will simply keep doing this over and over again until I retire, but it’s also possible that in another 5 years I’ll feel more settled as by then I’ll have a good decade of being successful in this town under my belt…watch this space! (Unless we all get sent away, or we flee to another country, or the internet gets ruined by the end of net neutrality and I can’t access my blog anymore, or we all die in a nuclear war.)

So I mentioned the cats. I got Miles neutered last week and they were devastated to be apart for a few days, but since then things are getting back to normal: sleep all day and fight all night, it seems! They are truly the highlight right now—so much fun, so cute, so precious.

Miles finally learned about sleeping on a bed and naturally found it to be pretty amazing.

These two like sharing a chair! This is my chair I sit in while teaching and they really dislike having to move.

I know that what I mostly need to do is relax and focus on the positive, at least when it comes to work and everyday life. But it’s so hard! This is the other most difficult thing about freelancing: feeling like you are at the mercy of everybody else (other being the constant feeling of rejection and not being good enough.) Honestly, if I just taught I’d probably be a lot more even-keeled and steady, but the trouble is that I absolutely love playing the violin and performing. That’s why I do it. If I didn’t love it, if I didn’t feel that it was absolutely missing from my life when I wasn’t playing (and maybe that’s the truth of why my month has felt empty, I’m not practicing enough?), I couldn’t do what I do.

In any case, it’s Friday. And I made a pudding dessert and a pasta salad for the party tomorrow, and I have a short rehearsal soon and then I suppose we might go out to dinner. So I think I’ll choose to be happy for a bit, and choose to reflect on my blessings, and you can comment below what you do when you have self doubt, stress, and feel like you struggle more than many others do?