I’m still playing catch up so I will tell you about my trip last week soon! Who I am kidding, my whole life is a game of “catch up” right now. Not sure how fun it is, and why I agreed to play, but that’s where we are.

The week is going well. Not too crazy, and I have actually had some nice chunks of time to practice, and some fun rehearsals so that’s good! Louie was questioning our life choices recently and wondering why we were so busy working…he made excellent points. As I say here, I have too much going on, but I like it all mostly. Too many students, but they are all special, so…really I just need to try to relax and continue “letting things go” like I wrote about before, because the truth is that I don’t need to stress over every performance and practice so so much. It’ll be fine and I do quite a bit as it is, I think.

I also need to let go of my guilt. I often feel guilty for…basically…not being perfect and not being all things to all people. Yes, I am trying to do it all. No, I’m not succeeding all the time. Maybe it doesn’t matter! I’m making a living, I’m having wonderful musical experiences, I’m playing music with my friends and teaching kids to play the violin and (hopefully) make music a positive force in their lives. I say that so much, but I keep having to remind myself. There is so much negativity in the world, so many bad things are happening and being allowed to happen, but these kids are good people, and I can positively influence them. And music is always good. Whether it is an escape or something that pushes us to our limits, music is always good.

And I must remind myself that I am successful. I can’t possible be as busy as I am and not be successful, right? I know people are always going on about how being busy isn’t the goal, and how “busy” isn’t an answer to “how are you?” but the thing is, I’m busy, that’s part of how I am, and I’m busy because I’m trying to do it all. But in June I won’t be nearly as busy, and then there will be three months of not being so busy, and I’ll forget all about this, and just remember all the amazing things that I got to do, right? And how every time I wrote a blog post it was basically me freaking out and trying to convince myself that I was doing okay

These are my friends. I did realize this the other week. I’m not too busy to have friends. I make music with my friends.

So often these blogs are like, oh, life is great, look how well I’m doing, look at all the cool stuff I’m able to accomplish on so little sleep.

Real Talk: I love being busy, I love performing, my students make me generally happy and I think I’m making a positive impact on the world. I feel like I matter and I feel like what I’m doing is important, and I feel mostly respected in what I do.

BUT. Especially through the month of January, and at other times, sometimes I wake up, and I feel completely overwhelmed. Sometimes I wake up and I cry, just because I’m so completely overwhelmed at everything I need to do, and that I can’t do it, and that I’m afraid I’m going to have no friends ever and never get to do anything fun that isn’t work, or being so exhausted at the end of the day that you just want to drink wine and watch Netflix.

Sometimes when people cancel I’m so relieved, but that doesn’t mean I have free time. I spend my life adding things to my to do list and checking them off. When I have a few minutes free I check my to do list to make sure I’m not forgetting anything important. Before I go to bed I often think about the day ahead and add things to the list. I constantly have to check my upcoming week to make sure I haven’t double booked anything, to make sure I’m getting the right music ready at the right time, that any rooms I need to arrange are reserved, that any students I need to reschedule are rescheduled (this is a huge stress of mine, because I am constantly rescheduling students in order to perform and rehearse)…it’s an anxiety filled lifestyle.

On top of that, I’m trying to maintain some semblance of healthy meals, a decently clean house to teach out of and live in, and then have clean clothes, and all that madness. I regularly work 10 to 14 hour days—that includes Saturdays and Sundays. I will have random mornings off, or an occasional entire day off from working, but even then my head space is filled with all that I need to catch up on, and then the constant guilt of “gosh, I should work out” and “I really absolutely need to spend some quality time with my instrument” and it all boils down too: since Christmas vacation I don’t think I’ve had a moment of actual relaxation.

Part of that could be on me. Perhaps all of it. Sometimes I take my stress out on Louie. (Too often, probably). And he has his own work and home related stress, and we probably feed on each other. And honestly, we could work less hard, but I can’t pinpoint exactly what I’d want to stop doing, and if I stopped doing any one thing, no matter what musician career advice people try to tell us, I firmly believe I need to keep saying yes to as many things as possible because each yes leads to another yes possibility, and I’m getting to do some really amazingly fun things here. And I don’t know what the path has been to get here, I just know that I’m on it, I love being on it, and I want to stay on it.

So there you have it. My confession as it were, though I haven’t exactly been hiding it. Yes, sometimes I’m completely overwhelmed to the point of needing to cry it out. And then I take some deep breaths, get a large cup of coffee, check my to do list, and dive in.

The thing about teaching at two different colleges: there’s an end in sight. That’s why January was harder than now—now I’m more than halfway through. I see the end. And while that’s probably not a great way to look at life, I’m trying to save for retirement. I will need a new car, and I would like to buy a viola soon. I also crave respectability, for people to think I’m a good violinist, to think that all the practice I’ve put in has paid off and that I’m making a positive impact on the world (gosh, somebody needs to!) So that means I work as much as I can, for the money, for the fun (being ONSTAGE during the show Chicago last weekend at the Fox theater was SO MUCH FUN), for the glory, and for the career satisfaction. And summer will be easier, and the cycle will continue. At least for awhile longer, and while I can.

I am working on methods of coping, other than writing things down (which is definitely a good thing). Anybody have ideas to share, ways to calm your mind in the midst of periods of great stress and busy times?

Oh, and poor Mackenzie is in a cone for a bit. She had a growth on her face that needed to be removed, and has some stitches now. It won’t be for too long, but to her it feels like forever

Last thought for now: I am fiercely protective of my sleep and try to average 8 hours. That’s probably the best thing that I do for myself every day. Sometimes I’ll have a few days where I get closer to 6 or 7 hours but I try to limit those as much as possible.

Time flies! When I was little people told me this would happen but I didn’t believe them. Yet here we are, in March already. Wasn’t it just summer a minute ago, or at least December?

I’ve been trying to do it all, and like I said in my last post, not necessarily succeeding. But I am in a place right now where I’m not exactly sure what I want to focus on, and I don’t have something going on that I want to give up, so I am going to keep at it! I really just need to work on managing stress and not getting overwhelmed. They say it isn’t about practicing anyway. I often end up underestimating how long things take and therefore end up having a bit more time than I expect.

I’m missing a regular workout routine though. As the weather is getting warmer, I really ought to try to get up just a bit earlier and get out for a run or something like that. I think that would help me feel more relaxed and better able to manage all of this.

I am looking forward to a little vacation soon. Louie and I are heading to New York (with a  side trip to Philadelphia) for about a week soon, so that will be a nice break.

And everything usually turns out just fine. I had a studio recital over the weekend—18 kids played, and I was naturally pretty stressed out about it, but it turned out GREAT and I’ve been getting a lot of compliments on their performances. I often feel like my students aren’t getting the accolades that other people’s students are, but the truth is that I’m not pushing that sort of thing. I’m pushing them to enjoy the violin, to play as well as they can, and to be well rounded happy individuals. I have quite a lot of early intermediate students right now, which isn’t a level that brings many accolades, but they are doing pretty well, and the guy at the shop helping me host the recital said it seemed that my students enjoyed performing and all stood up straight and looked happy, and that was a bit unusual to see. I’ll take it!

I have to keep remembering, even in my advanced age, to look at where I am, what I’m doing, and not worry about what I think other people think I should be doing, or what other people think I should be doing (those are two different things.) I want to be happy with me.

I’m off to a lunch meeting, then teaching, then a jazz show tonight! The next three days are all-consuming with work as I’m playing a short run of Chicago, and trying to squeeze in some teaching and band rehearsal too. But I’m going to keep my head up, remind myself that I’m good enough, even if I’m creating my own path and career.

I’ve found this semester’s schedule to be difficult! I’ve been busier than I wanted and a little overwhelmed at times. For the first few weeks sometimes I’d find myself crying in the morning or evening, just completely overwhelmed. But I’m getting into the swing of it (and knowing that I’m nearly halfway done with one of the schools already helps!) and one coping mechanism I have “developed” is letting things go. I am not getting everything done. I hate that what is sliding is fun things like my social life and violin practice, but something had to give. Work/life balance is a crock anyway…like multitasking, right?

I think getting back to teaching at my home (next week) will help, as commuting back and forth for everything and trying to figure out what I need to bring when and where and then finding myself in the wrong place with the wrong things wasn’t helping either. Teaching from home means lunch is easier to plan, I always have all my teaching stuff with me, and I’ll save about 20 minutes each day, which will add up to nearly 2 hours a week. (I’m rounding.)

But things are good. And the bathroom is getting done, and I’m feeling fulfilled in my career, and who needs a social life anyway, when you have a quartet and a band?

I’ve been playing with a group called Third Millenium World’s Fair. We play music Michael (on the left) writes, and it’s been a lot of fun so far. Meghan (clarinet) and Michael are the other two members, and they are both really nice, relaxed, smart, and fun to play with. I didn’t need to add anything to my schedule, but I thoroughly enjoy working with them, and the music we play is unusual and challenges me—and it makes me improvise, which is a skill I have plenty of room for improvement on.

Picking out paint at the Home Depot. Trips to the Depot remind me of my childhood! And yeah, we hate the politics of the owner, but it’s super close and convenient…

I’ve become a bit obsessed with avocado toast for lunch on the weekends. I realize that is really specific.

This is what tile looks like before you put it down.

And this is what it looks like part of the way through. Beautiful, right?!

Action shot of the band…in action.

It’s been raining a lot. And I highly recommend you use the app “Weather Kitty” if you enjoy knowing the weather and also like pictures of cats.

Louie admiring his handiwork. Sure there are still quite a few things remaining to do, but isn’t it pretty so far? And the big stuff is mostly done. Remodeling is hard work!

But anyway. I’d better get to my work: finish computer tasks, grocery store, practice (yay!), and teach. Today is a light teaching day so I am trying to catch up. I’d hoped to do the recital programs today (student recital Sunday) but I left my list of students and repertoire at the place I’ve been teaching…so I hope to do that tonight instead.(I’ll do what I can from memory though to start.) This is what I mean—it’s hard to do everything when I’m so spread out.

Mondays. Mondays are a long day, and this semester has been particularly busy getting going. I did realize that this week means I’ll be about 1/4 of the way through the semester, which isn’t nothing. I also shouldn’t be counting down in that way, but I’m wondering if I need to make some small tweaks and changes in the future to make myself less crazy. I’m not sure what the answer is, because there isn’t anything in particular that I want to not do, it’s just that sometimes it all fits together to make a big mess of scarfing down a peanut butter sandwich while driving and having no time to properly practice.

I did get some good practice in over the weekend, and we also made some good progress on the bathroom remodel. I do think that the remodel has been causing more difficulties in my mental space than I am fully aware, and since I haven’t been teaching at home and have to commute, that adds about 20 minutes per day of extra work that will be gone soon as well. 20 minutes might not sound like much, but in the overall scheme of the week, it adds up. I don’t know.

I feel like I’m just treading water, just holding on right now. I’m happy about what I’m doing, I’m proud of what I’m doing too, but I just feel like I’m playing catch up on quite a lot of things. I am managing though, so it’s not so bad. My email inbox isn’t too behind, I’m mostly keeping up with my to-do list, and I’m mostly putting forth what my students need from me.

We bought plane tickets to New York City for spring break. I’m excited! There are lots of people to visit there as well as lots of sightseeing to be done. Hopefully the weather will be lovely that week as well (I’m sure that’s a less likely event).

I’m finding that playing viola is quite fun and a neat new challenge. You might ask, why are you adding a new instrument when you are so busy and overworked, and the answer is, well, I already agreed to a gig when I was less busy, so I have to “get good” at it. I find myself grappling with weird emotions involving the viola, since my ex was a violist, but my sister Carrie is a violist too, and she’s a delightful person who didn’t spend years making me feel bad about myself. (We’ll just say that while I have moved on, and I am mostly happy with my life, and really glad and thankful for Louie and my current friends, it hasn’t been as easy path, and it’s been difficult to navigate being in the same field, and I suppose I have been hiding from some things!)

But I won’t dwell on things, nor try to make problems. I think everybody who leaves a relationship has their own thoughts on what went wrong, and how to improve, and I’ll tell you: there are times when I think that Louie got really lucky meeting me, and many many other times when I think that I got really lucky meeting him, and many times where we ask ourselves what are we even doing. I know that I bring what I learned into this relationship, and there are many times a day that I am thankful for Louie’s generosity, and grateful for his support, and glad that I’m with somebody who understands why I do what I do, because my career is important to me.

I know I treat my blog more like a journal than a money making opportunity (one of my many failures), and perhaps I shouldn’t overshare, but I also really enjoy putting my thoughts out there. So I’m torn and conflicted, and I am inconsistent. Flawed even, much like Hillary Clinton

Self care is a buzz word these days, isn’t it? Everybody talks about it…but I realized recently I spent a year ignoring the idea of taking time for myself, not my career.

I’ve been trying to do a lot, to really push myself to work hard and accomplish stuff, and that’s all been quite vague and based on who calls and how I feel and making sure that I feel like I’m doing worthwhile things. And I’ve been enjoying that, but lately it’s really been sticking in my head that I am in charge of my life. Duh, you say, but really, when you spend so much time doing things based on who calls or what you get asked to do, or what you get lucky enough to, life feels like it’s definitely out of your control. And I react by trying to control what I can.

But, I can decide many things. I can decide what’s important to me. I am pondering over what to do with the next 20 years of my career and where I see myself then. And while, I really have no idea…I am attempting to imagine it.

And then I’m trying to grab time where I can, like now. This morning I’m taking a little me time to read and relax, and blog.  And then I do a bunch of teaching, and sometimes I dread that, but I’m really coming to some terms and realizations about where my teaching strengths lay and what sort of students I do best with.

What am I reading lately? I’ve been obsessively reading “cozy mysteries”.  I’ve read loads of Mary Daheim’s Alpine series and Bed and Breakfast series, Donna Andrews, Lynn Cahoon, and now working through Leslie Meier’s Lucy Stone books. I find the simplicity and less graphic nature of the cozy mystery genre is a nice contrast to the news and current political stress and strife.

I also find keeping written lists of things that make me feel accomplished is good. I spend too much of my life feeling like an underachieving imposter so I find it’s good to have something to see and say, okay, just because I’m not touring the world doesn’t mean I’m a loser. And I’m reminding myself, often, that I am not the problem if somebody thinks I’m not good enough. And trying to internalize that. I am good enough. I work hard. I play violin well…and I’m reliable and organized and many of my students think I’m funny

One other self care thing: I’ve been using LOTS of moisturizer this winter. All kinds of fancy face lotions, but lots of hand and feet lotion as well. I’m kind of enjoying the fact that I’m getting older, but I want to be a well moisturized 40 year old when I get there.

Oh! The plumbers are here doing plumbing and whatnot. The bathroom project is very behind schedule but so much progress is being made this week. I miss teaching at home and I hope to get back to it very soon. Another reason to just try to relax and take things as they go.

And exercise. Exercise and eating well are important to feeling good. Self care means taking time for those things too. But it’s hard to do everything, isn’t it? I just have to remind myself, often, that I’m worth it Reading, relaxing, working out, eating lots of delicious salads, these are all worth it.