It seems like it’s always Friday. The weeks just go by, and then it’s Friday and it doesn’t matter.

I woke up too early this morning. A storm came through and then I couldn’t get back to sleep. I feel like I have too much sinus pressure on my head and it hurts just enough that I couldn’t sleep. So instead I finally got up and had breakfast, and now I’m blogging.

I got a new computer the other day, as an early birthday gift, actually. My old laptop was getting slower and slower, and one of the hinges was broken. My new computer is great, except now I’m using a new blogging program, which has the tiniest text ever and I can’t read it! I did find if I zoomed in I could make the screen bigger, so we’ll see if this publishes the way it should.

I feel like everything in our country is terrible right now and that’s just how it will be forever because enough of my fellow countrymen are apparently absolutely fine with this. I just stay at home, do nothing, work from home, get asked to play shows and concerts in the fall that we all know aren’t actually going to happen, but by all means, let’s get our haircut and open the restaurants back up. Where’s my freedom? Where’s my ability to earn a living by playing live music like I’ve been doing my whole life? How about instead of making people go back to work making cars we help them afford to not do that, so more people don’t die? It is outrageous to me how the government has handled this pandemic and how, for the most part, we all just spent two months at home for absolutely no good reason if we are just expected to return to life as before. It won’t be like before, because most of us still aren’t planning to go anywhere, but plenty of people have no choice, because they need the money.

This isn’t very eloquent, or well written, but it’s thoughts like that that get me up in the morning. I try to focus on the positive, but some days, there just isn’t much. Yesterday I got called to play a show in the fall at the Fox Theater, which is one of the things that I love doing. It’s fun, it requires a high level of concentration, and it pays well. And most likely it’ll get canceled. I don’t know how much longer my students will want to keep taking online lessons and I don’t know if they will start pressuring me to teach in person again. I’m certainly not comfortable at this point having them come into my house. If I can’t visit my family, how can I have people come to my house for violin lessons? It’s absolutely ludicrous to think of it. It’s also ludicrous to think that opening businesses is something that should happen before people can visit their friends and family.

I know many people haven’t taken the lockdown as seriously. I know some people continue to socialize, and see friends and family. I know people don’t think they need to wear masks, and that they aren’t at risk and therefore none of this applies to them. I’m lucky that my boyfriend’s employer has been taking the pandemic seriously from the get-go and therefore he has been able to work from home and will continue to do so until his employer thinks it is safe to do otherwise, and that is truly what will help make our decisions. They don’t think it’s safe to go eat in restaurants or see friends and family. They don’t even think it’s safe to go to the office if there are other people around yet.

I don’t know. I’m just tired. I need a vacation. I need to play music with other people. I need to do something other than play violin at a screen. What’s the point of a weekend if you can’t go to a concert or a show, if you can’t go out for a nice relaxing dinner with your friends, if you can’t go to a movie? I miss my old life, where things were hectic and overscheduled, but I was full of LIFE and experiences and getting paid to play the violin. I got to see friends and colleagues, I got to make plans and visit family (all my family is out of town)…there is nothing to look forward to anymore except finishing teaching for the day and watching tv.

I know I’m mostly just ranting, but ughhhhh I don’t know how much more I can take. And yet, I will, because I don’t see that “opening up” is the safe thing to do. So I will persevere, and I will hopefully sleep better tonight than I did last night.