All posts by hannahviolin

I am a violinist. I also enjoy running, working out, reading, and hanging with my friends and cat.
Auditions, Cat

Post Audition Stress Disorder

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I feel like I’m going through post-audition stress disorder.  It’s where you feel like everything you’ve been doing is all wrong and that you are a complete loser and you might as well find a new career.  That switches between, oh, hey, I’ll be great, and I can’t wait for the next audition and I just need to work a little bit harder…and then you think, how can I possibly do that, I’m so exhausted, I’ve never been in better shape and really, everybody can just bite me. 

I thought after the audition I’d be back to my normal self, but I’m still just so behind on everything and I feel like I’m walking around in a fog half the time. 

I’m sure it’ll pass soon.  What do you guys do when you’re in a funk and you feel like a failure? Or worse, you feel like this is just as good as it’s going to get career wise…

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The Book of Mormon was awesome last weekend. Definitely worth missing the Oscars for 😉

Then I spent a day just documenting my cat’s activities all day long.  Well, I also did other stuff that day, but every time I saw her…(from the moment I woke up to when I went to bed)…

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I can’t say I’m not jealous.

Cat, Running

Pictures of my cat and some blabbing about 80’s themed races and other stuff too

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Quick reader poll:  do you read my blog FOR the cat pictures, or DESPITE the cat pictures?

(note: I will not change anything based on this poll. please respond in the comments)

The other day the cat spent all day on the bed.  Yesterday she spent all day on the couch.  Today it’s the bed again.

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I had a workout with Mike today.  We are all (well, Jen, Mike, and I) getting excited about the Benton Park 80’s 5K, this year on June 1. 

We’ve run it two years in a row and are shooting for the third year.  (first year, second year, well worth checking out for the pictures)

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I’m hoping Chris will run and some other people (local readers come on out, and of course it’s totally worth flying in for as well, ROSE…) too.  This means we have to do a couple of important things:

1) Start thinking about costumes, of course

2) Get Mike, to perhaps win this year rather than coming in second again to the same guy.  We brainstormed ideas that might improve his time and help him win: great ideas, like, speed work and dropping weight, or “taking care of” the previous winner Tonya Harding style, or perhaps just showing up for the race slightly less hungover…all valid ideas at this point.  (except that second one.) Also helpful, mantras like “second place is the first loser”…also I’m trying to get other fast people to run to really put the heat on him. 

The good news is that I’ve run TWICE this week, approximately 2 miles each time and the second run was far better than the first.  Mike suggested I try for 3 to 4 miles since, after all, I was able to run a half marathon just over a month ago and I should be able to do more than that.  You’d think. 

Thoughts after the other day’s post.  I’m trying not to let negative thoughts get me down.  Let’s just put February behind us and try again, shall we?

Deep Thoughts

Getting the gist of myself

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I read a friend’s blog post the other day and she wrote the line “To me, it is very difficult to get the gist of myself.”  That really struck a chord with me.  I don’t like to veer too negative or TOO personal here on the blog, because I’m just not comfortable with those things…we’ll just say that it’s been a challenging week and perhaps before that too.  I feel a little unlike myself.

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Yesterday for instead.  I got up.  I met a friend for lunch.  I was supposed to go to a blogger meet up and I just suddenly felt entirely overwhelmed.  I just couldn’t.  Sometimes I get horrific society anxiety, and the idea of talking to a bunch of virtual strangers (one person there I would know) just pushed me over the edge and I sat in my car crying for a bit.  Yeah, great, right?!

I went home instead and played violin for two hours (which was GLORIOUS because I am in fantastic violin shape right now and I feel like I’ve never been able to play better).  Friday night was a similar thing—after the concert I had originally made plans to go hang out with the girls, but I just couldn’t deal with the idea of all the people.  I went home and waited for Chris to get off work instead.  Lame, but…I guess it’s just something I’m dealing with.  I think the feeling that here, we are still struggling to put our careers together, and it’s such a disgusting horrific struggle…that I just don’t want to deal with people.  Or maybe I’m just depressed.  I’m not a psychiatrist, I can only attempt to self diagnose.

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That said.  Don’t start calling in the men with white jackets just yet.  I’m really good at faking it.  So I figured, you know what, I need to get my butt out there for a run.  I ran for 1.5 miles and it was just awful.  I wanted to puke for most of the run and stopped to walk a couple times too.  I had to run in the street to avoid the icy sidewalks and honestly, my running tights were a little snug.  But I did it.  My first run since that race in January that WENT SO WELL.  Because it DID. It was great, and then I got sick, and then I got sick again, and in the meantime I nearly had a nervous breakdown.

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And then I did feel a little better.  Maybe it’s feeling like I’m in control of a few things.  I can play violin, I can work out, I can lose those few pounds I’ve gained in the past weeks (at least) due to stress eating.  Sure, a lot of things are out of my control, but not everything.

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It’s funny then, you make one good decision, it’s easy to make a few more.  I made a healthy lunch, put together some chicken in the crockpot for dinner, and suddenly had a lot more energy.  Now I’m off to practice a bit before I teach.  I’m not saying I’m suddenly magically feeling amazing or even really that great, just that I’m not feeling like a big pile of you know what.  So there you have it.  Happy Monday!

Oh, and this is all pretty personal stuff.  Writing helps, so I hope you enjoy reading it!

Random thoughts

Chamber Project St Louis at the Art Museum

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The chamber group I play with occasionally, Chamber Project St Louis, performed at the St Louis Art Museum last night.  We are repeating the concert this next Friday (I included this and next to be super clear that I’m not talking about yesterday, how’s that for grammar?) at the Chapel (visit CPSTL‘ s website for more information on all of that.) 

The concert poster.

Last night’s venue.

Warming up amongst the art.  My stand was behind the LINE but no guards yelled at me.

Performing one of the pieces.  That’s my friend Laura standing because the piece (Derek Bermel’s Soul Garden) was for viola and string quintet, which meant her part was more important and we thought she should stand up to reflect that.  She sounded great.

Jen and Vince playing some Piazzolla.

If you are local and don’t have plans next Friday night, I’d recommend you come see me (us) play!  The tickets are very reasonable ESPECIALLY since they include two drinks (alcohol AND non-alcoholic beverages are offered.)  If you have any questions, feel free to ask, but remember, it’s a concert for everyone, not just classical music buffs.  Plus I’ll be wearing more color for the next one, which should be incentive enough.  Maybe I’ll wear purple.

Running

Winter is coming

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Things that make me angry: the idea of naming winter storms.  I believe there was one nicknamed “Nemo” the other week (I’m not on the east coast and I just wasn’t paying attention, much like they aren’t paying attention to us today)…and then I saw on weather dot com that they were calling this storm “Q” and I just got…really angry.  WINTER STORMS ARE NOT HURRICANES.

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(thanks to my student Adam for sending me that most excellent Grumpy Cat picture)

Anyway, yesterday everybody in St Louis was freaking out and canceling stuff in anticipation of today’s storm.  The report was something like, ice, snow, freezing rain, mixed bag, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE GET YOUR ORGANIC MILK AND EGGS.  I had the gym this morning—it was my triumphant return to the fitness wagon, and I figured I’d want to get my workout in before being homebound for what looked to be weeks.

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View from my front door before going to the gym.

By the way, the gym was awesome.  I did back squats, front squats, incline chest press (with WEIGHTS on the bar, not JUST the bar!), some sort of shoulder or chest move, and pull ups.  We discussed a variety of things, but most notably our feet. 

So you all know I’ve lost a toenail, right?  But did I tell you about my other big toenail?  It’s loose on ONE side but I can’t remove it, but there’s like, this white gunk underneath.  I tried to pick at it with a nail file and I cut the nail really short to try to get at it, and I’ve been cleaning/soaking with rubbing alcohol…but nothing seems to be changing. 

(I would totally post a picture but that would be super gross. Even describing it is gross.)

I decided to ask Mike about it and he said, oh, yeah, I have that too.  So I asked him what he did to fix it and he said, what, fix it? I just leave it.  I told him that having pretty feet and being able to wear sandals was important to me, and he said, “eh, I figure my feet are the sacrifice I make for the rest of me to look like this” and motioned at his body.  (I originally told Chris the story, and embellished that I pretended to vomit at that comment, and he totally called me out.  No, I didn’t. I totally just looked.) 

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(Some day I’ll be able to have pretty feet again…)

That being said, I know some of you readers are runners.  Does anybody have this toenail issue?  I tried to do a google image search but after about 30 seconds I just…couldn’t take it anymore.

Okay, so then I left the gym, and the roads already looked like this…

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(I was stopped at a red light.)

It only took about five to ten extra minutes to get home, but this was before noon.  I understand things got far worse, and it ended up being a delightful snow day (that continues for me, now, as I would still be working.)  I practiced a couple hours for the concert tomorrow (Chamber Project St Louis), I made a serious dent in my email inbox, did dishes, laundry and cooked dinner with Chris, and dyed my hair.  It’s been a wonderful day! 

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My wipers are up because evidently that’s the thing to do so they don’t get frozen to your windshield.  We’ll see how well that works and hopefully they don’t get knocked off overnight or something. 

I remember one night driving home in a ridiculous rainstorm (I actually think I was driving home to Cleveland from Rochester, New York after an audition, but it might just have been home from Erie, PA—some of those horrific I-90 drives blend together—).  I had been driving in the pouring rain for a couple of hours, the sort of rain where you are tense and hunched over your car and can’t talk because you are gripping the steering wheel so tightly, and every time somebody passes you you can’t see a thing and you are just sure you are going to die. 

Anyway, I was finally almost home and dropped off whoever I was driving with at their house…and a huge branch fell off a tree, hit my driver’s side windshield wiper, which popped right off.  So then I drove the REST of the way home (five to ten minutes?) leaning over to the passenger side to see out the window.  Why, yes, I WAS in my early 20’s! 

Oh, and hey, really super late, here’s a little write up of our wedding from the people who did our stationary.  I love paper products.  Have I mentioned that quite enough over the years?

If anybody is waiting for post audition thoughts, it’ll be awhile.  I had to lock that away.  Sometimes that’s the healthiest thing to do.  I’ll be happy to answer audition related questions from readers, so fire away. 

And somebody tell me how to fix my toe gunk…I prefer my health problems to be solved by crowd sourcing.

Auditions

Bits and pieces

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Oh hey!

Figured I’d just give a quick update on yesterday’s little ol’ audition.  I know why people don’t tell people when they are taking auditions, or especially why people don’t blog about them, because when they come out and name the person who advanced in your round (of 13, 1 out of 13) and it isn’t you, your inclination isn’t to tell the world.

Grumpy Cat, New Years resolutions.

But hey, I’m a blogger, I have to tell the world.  And I’ll write more about the experience later when I have a little more perspective.  I’m less (slightly less) angry than I was last night but only slightly.  Anything I say would be tinged with bitterness.

And tears.  Sometimes I hate being a girl, because of the tears.  After I finished playing I was texting with Chris and I said, so yeah, after the results I’ll probably go cry in the car for awhile and then drive home.  He said, oh, don’t cry!  As if that was an option.

I texted the same thing to my friend Jen, and she said, well, sure, but don’t cry for more than five minutes.  I thought that sounded like a really long time!

I didn’t time it, and in fact I basically held out UNTIL I got home.  So there you have it.  I was too terrified in the parking lot that I would see someone on the committee that I knew and they would be aware of my failure.

This is a great day:  admitting both professional failure and a crying jag on the internet for all to read!

Let’s see.  Bright side…

It is time to reset and get back to life as it was.  This morning I’m taking a rest day, plus my first finger joint hurts oddly, but I’ve got a concert Friday night with Chamber Project St Louis (and the same program the following Friday, so come see us if you are local!)…I’ve got teaching…I’ve got TONS of blog reviews people want me to write (we’ll see about those, but I’ve been reading some fun books and trying some stuff out and I’m just super behind on all of that)…I’ve got an overflowing email inbox which would ordinarily stress me out, but again, I’ll get to it…

Plus I’ve got a half marathon in April (yes, half) that I really need to start running for again.  Not today.  Today is diet and detox and rest, and tomorrow I’m back to working out.  I’m not super happy with what I’m seeing in the mirror and now there are no more excuses for stress eating and skipping workouts. 

(unrelated cat picture—see I’m just fine 😉 )

Is there a shame category to publish this post under?  That’s how I feel.  Even though if I were a friend I’d tell me that auditions suck, everybody hates them, it’s okay, and plus, all that work I put into it will ONLY help me be a better player overall and there’s no negative side of having worked hard…all that stuff you tell your friends because you love them…it’s harder to convince yourself of.  It just feels like I tried to do something and I shouldn’t have bothered and it’s a little embarrassing.  Or why couldn’t I have played better?  How hard would that have been?  Maybe if I hadn’t been sick and missed that week of practice.…

Don’t write platitudes in the comments.  I already know.  Tell me funny stuff to cheer me up instead.  Pretend I have the emotional capability of a small child and if you get me smiling and giggling again everything will be okay 🙂  Bonus points for emailing or posting funny or cute animal pictures.

(I was about to publish this when a friend called.  She was telling me how the author of A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline L’Engle, spent 12 years trying to get the book published.  She knew it was good but had a hard time convincing anyone else of the book’s value…she kept believing in herself though, and look at how well known the book is now.  I shouldn’t concern myself with people who are just looking for me to make mistakes because they don’t appreciate the BEAUTY I can bring to music.  There’s a wee bit of perspective for you.  Or like my friend Sarah said the night before, I might be selling apples but they want oranges.)