All posts by hannahviolin

I am a violinist. I also enjoy running, working out, reading, and hanging with my friends and cat.

When everything is terrible at least there are cats

It’s hard, isn’t it, feeling like the world is terrible and that you can’t do much to change it? Babies being locked up for 85 days without being bathed…and I don’t want to look up more news stories to link to. We all live here, we all hear about it. Things are not good in the world, and it seems like those in power are fine with it as long as they keep getting their money!

So, this probably weighs on me. Honestly, I’ve been stressed out since Election Night. It ebbs and flows, but it’s always there. And then that stress carries into other aspects of my life. I start freaking out because I haven’t had a proper gig in weeks—what if I never get hired again? (Never mind that I have a wonderful fall schedule already lined up, with some stuff I’m super excited about…) My inner critic starts telling me that people don’t like me because I post too much about politics on facebook. Or that they aren’t hiring me because they think I’m on vacation too often, or because I write this blog about myself and they are laughing at me or judging me for telling the world my insecurities, or because there are new, younger people in town that they’d rather work with and who are more available than I am. And honestly, some of those things might be true, and I need to allow that to be okay.  It’s okay for other people to work. It’s okay for me to have a little breathing room. I just start worrying that I’m not going to be working again…I feel like my work here is so precarious and took so long to get to a point where I could support myself (that literally took nearly 5 years to get to that point, even though I was mostly supporting myself anyway, even though that wasn’t actually part of the deal with moving here for somebody else’s job!) that I spend too much time worrying. My financial situation is fine now, but I’m constantly worried everything will go away! I know it’s not entirely rational and I also know a big part of my worry is general worry about the state of life in this country and what will happen next…I’m just a worrier, and it comes and goes, but never entirely leaves me.

This was an easy week, as all of them have been since I got back from vacation. I only taught 22 students, which seemed like basically nothing. And I’ve done quite a lot of working out, some cleaning up around the house, very little practice (I’m taking it easy on that too, it seems), lots of reading, and of course, there was the 4th of July holiday in there. And oh my gosh it’s been hot outside, so I’ve been avoiding it when possible. Tomorrow is our annual 4th of July party on the Saturday after the 4th, and next week I have a gig and a recording session with Third Millenium World’s Fair to look forward to, along with another 22 or so students—July is the lightest teaching month as so many people are traveling or at camps or whatever, and it really is okay. I am currently at capacity for my teaching studio, which means that probably sometime next year I will start to panic that I don’t have enough students. I suppose it’s possible I will simply keep doing this over and over again until I retire, but it’s also possible that in another 5 years I’ll feel more settled as by then I’ll have a good decade of being successful in this town under my belt…watch this space! (Unless we all get sent away, or we flee to another country, or the internet gets ruined by the end of net neutrality and I can’t access my blog anymore, or we all die in a nuclear war.)

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So I mentioned the cats. I got Miles neutered last week and they were devastated to be apart for a few days, but since then things are getting back to normal: sleep all day and fight all night, it seems! They are truly the highlight right now—so much fun, so cute, so precious.

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Miles finally learned about sleeping on a bed and naturally found it to be pretty amazing.

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These two like sharing a chair! This is my chair I sit in while teaching and they really dislike having to move.

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I know that what I mostly need to do is relax and focus on the positive, at least when it comes to work and everyday life. But it’s so hard! This is the other most difficult thing about freelancing: feeling like you are at the mercy of everybody else (other being the constant feeling of rejection and not being good enough.) Honestly, if I just taught I’d probably be a lot more even-keeled and steady, but the trouble is that I absolutely love playing the violin and performing. That’s why I do it. If I didn’t love it, if I didn’t feel that it was absolutely missing from my life when I wasn’t playing (and maybe that’s the truth of why my month has felt empty, I’m not practicing enough?), I couldn’t do what I do.

In any case, it’s Friday. And I made a pudding dessert and a pasta salad for the party tomorrow, and I have a short rehearsal soon and then I suppose we might go out to dinner. So I think I’ll choose to be happy for a bit, and choose to reflect on my blessings, and you can comment below what you do when you have self doubt, stress, and feel like you struggle more than many others do?

4 Nights in Rocky Mountain National Park

At the beginning of June, Louie and I only had a week to travel, but we decided we wanted to get somewhere totally beautiful and different than St Louis. We settled on a return visit to Rocky Mountain National Park, where we’d been twice before but really love the park. The added bonus is that it’s just over a day’s drive away (or technically a really long day’s drive, probably.)

We started on trip on a Monday morning. We had the car loaded up and ready to go for a trip of camping and hiking. The bonus to this trip would be that I was going to celebrate my 40th birthday in the park!

We drove to Kansas City for lunch first—though we both eat a mostly pescatarian diet these days (no meat other than fish) it is our vacation “tradition” to have a barbecue lunch at Arthur Bryant’s in Kansas City. Some people are very strict “no animal products” type of people (and more power to them!) but I also think that as long as I’m only eating meat here and there, I’m still making an big impact. Imagine if everybody only ate a little bit of meat each year rather than so many people eating meat for practically every meal?! (You might say, why is she preaching…I’m not. I’m just telling you how I feel. If you feel uncomfortable about your meat consumption, I’m telling you, you can just simply cut back. You don’t need a label for your diet, even though it will confuse people.)

So! We had a very nice meal at Arthur Bryant’s. When planning the trip, we mentioned this meal to people, and everybody has an opinion about what the hottest BBQ restaurant is. But it’s not about that—this is our tradition. This was our third time in 4 years!

After that, we drove the long drive across Kansas and much of Colorado. We had a reservation at a cheap hotel in Limon, Colorado for the night. To be fair, Kansas and Colorado, though not terribly exciting, have a certain understated beauty. The open sky, the open road, the wind farms…rolling hills making way to flat ground, but the world just opens up, doesn’t it?

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We spent the night at the Rodeway Inn in Limon. It was less than $50 on Priceline, and worth every penny. We ate dinner at a nearby Denny’s, which was perfect.

The next morning we got breakfast in the hotel, and then headed to Denver to meet a friend of Louie’s for lunch. We’d visited Derek a few years before for a little longer, but we just didn’t have the time today. His wife was working, so the three of us walked to a nearby restaurant for lunch—it ended up having to be a different place than he originally chose, but the lunch turned out great! We went to the Mercantile at Union Station, and had a delicious meal.

Aside: as you get close to Denver, you see the mountains. It’s called the front range, and after spending a day driving through the Great Plains, it’s absolutely breathtaking. I always love the first glimpse of the mountains.

After lunch, we headed to Rocky Mountain National Park. We decided to take the scenic route rather than the most direct. Our route took us by Golden Gate Park (where we should probably return to spend time), through Central City (where it seemed the town had added a large number of casinos) and through Nederland which is an adorable town that I kind of want to buy a vacation home in. This took a few hours, but the drive was just gorgeous! The road was winding, which is Louie’s favorite kind of driving (not mine), and we loved it. We stopped in Lily Lake when we got there and walked around the lake. We saw a muskrat (?) and a moose (!) but the moose was lying down and we couldn’t get a really good view.

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After that, we headed to our campsite to check in and get unpacked. I’d reserved a spot for us at the Glacier Basin Campground, site C99. We’d stayed at this campground before and I thought I preferred it to Moraine, so I booked it again. One thing to know about camping in RMNP is that there are no showers or hot water, but otherwise it’s cheap ($20 a night) and there’s soap and air dryers in the bathrooms (and flush toilets!). You have to be really careful about your food and whatnot because of bears (oh, and mountain lions were also mentioned on signs) but otherwise, it’s a really fun time.

I’d considered getting a National Parks Annual Pass just to be supportive, but we ended up just getting a 7 day pass. We don’t have another parks trip planned in the next year so it would have been a donation to do the annual pass (it’s a great deal if you are visiting quite a few parks though, and it’s easier to hang onto than the little paper receipt you have to use for the week!). When we checked into the campsite, the ranger at check-in warned us about bears, told us she’d seen one on her way into work that day, and mentioned that they can smell m & m’s from miles away. The only thing that made me worry was: how did she know we had m & m’s???? I decided she must be a bear.

Our campsite was beautiful, with a great view of the mountains. We had a picnic table, a tent pad, a fire pit, and though we didn’t have our own bear box, there was one at the site right across the road. We were also basically right across the road from the bathrooms—when you have to bear proof your campsite it’s much easier to be closer to the bathrooms. I’d done a fair amount of research online before booking the site (studying campground maps, looking at campsite photos online) and I think from the available ones, I chose well. We planned to stay for 4 nights, so I wanted something as nice as possible.

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The campground was supposedly full but not too busy at this time. We had people near us, but not every site was full (though evidently they were booked…I guess people didn’t make it. That’s too bad though, because it means other people might have been turned away, and there is nothing like camping in the park.)

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We brought our “old favorites” for camping meals—which mostly means canned and boxed food. We had a lovely dinner around the campfire and just relaxed the rest of the evening.

I was rereading some old blog posts to give a friend a few hiking recs and realized that my humor has changed a little. Or maybe not, but I thought my old posts were so funny! I also thought maybe they were more detailed, so I thought I’d elaborate on a few things—

First, meals we like to eat while camping: couscous/white beans/tuna/canned veggies ALL IN ONE BOWL, trader joe’s veggie chili, trader joe’s boxed indian food that you boil in water plus boil in a bag uncle ben’s rice (which isn’t bad at all and is a good way to make rice while camping), and our last one was mac and cheese with added canned tuna and canned veggies. We supplement with some beer, preferably from the area we are in, though on this trip we didn’t bother, and maybe some snacks like cheddar popcorn or something. On this trip I brought a bag of pirate’s booty from St Louis and it exploded in the trunk due to the altitude change (still good though). Other food we eat: oatmeal in the morning is good, filling, and easy (boiling water is an easy way to make food, and it doesn’t create many dishes—remember, we are cleaning up with cold water unless we boil water to wash dishes too), and we do LOTS of peanut butter sandwiches while hiking. Apples travel really well as far as fresh food. I always imagine making salads and such, but it’s just hard to keep track of that sort of thing—you’re putting things in the bear box which gets hot—the cooler keeps things cool but so often they end up getting wet…so canned and boxed food is the best solution to me.)

Other things: We love making fires, so often buy the firewood. The parks mostly sell firewood at the campgrounds and it’s not a bad deal. We often only burn a few logs per night, not the whole bundle. It’s relaxing and fun to have a fire! We cook on a Coleman two burner stove with propane. It’s hard to control the flame too much—mostly you get just high, and then high again, though occasionally medium to low is possible. I don’t have a great method for washing dishes, but we just try not to worry too much. I use campsuds and a sponge and towel, and do my best (usually I end up washing while Louie cleans something else up or starts the fire)—I figure since there’s no raw meat or anything, food safety isn’t terribly concerning for a few days. You get dirty camping! One last detail, before I continue talking about the trip itself: we starting making coffee in a pour over, and it’s WAY better than other options for camping (I love drip coffee, but haven’t found a good way to do that.) Louie set up a way for the pour over to pour into a large thermos, and this trip we finally had good coffee in the morning!

So, continuing on—our first full day in the park!

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The next morning we got up on the early side and decided to go into Estes Park to do a loop hike called the Lumpy Ridge Trail Loop, about 11 miles RT.

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This was an area of the park we hadn’t explored on past visits so we thought it would be nice.

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There were a few things I didn’t plan on: not being so adjusted to the altitude, not being in as good of physical shape as previous visits, and the heat. As far as the altitude, on previous trips we’d already spent several nights in Colorado before visiting the park. I’d been working out consistently again for only about a month before we visited, and the heat…well, it wasn’t super hot, but it was in the 80’s at points during the day. The hike started out nice and easy, but got challenging for me. I also have an issue not drinking enough water even though I’m sipping often—I realized I need to do more than just sip.

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The hike passed through an area that was greatly damaged by a large flood a few years back. The power of water!

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We walked through a beautiful meadow filled with wildflowers. I was so hot and tired at this point—I didn’t take many pictures and instead just was regretting my life choices. But I suppose it was beautiful, and I wish I could have enjoyed it more!

At one point I sat down and cried and told Louie my hat was broken and it didn’t block the sun anymore. I was tired of just going up and up and up…but finally…the top! We made it around to Gem Lake which was gorgeous (and the chipmunks were very aggressive).

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We rested for a bit by the lake and the chipmunks tried to get at our snacks (I was able to keep them at bay, I think) and then we headed down the path back to the car. It was a nice hike, even though I was bitterly tired, and you could see the mountains and the town of Estes Park as you hiked. There was also a toilet near Gem Lake, that was basically an open air vault toilet—just a gate in front of it, not a door or a room.

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This was called Paul Bunyan’s Boot—a natural rock formation!

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A rare picture together!

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On the way back I almost had to turn around as this tree was blocking the path…

Then we made it back to the car, which was at that point, completely covered in a thick yellow pollen. I also got a nasty blister on the side of my heel because I got something in my hiking boot and didn’t have the energy to get it out…stupid of me. (The blister is still healing as we speak!)

Anyway, after that hike, we (especially me) were exhausted, so we headed back to the campsite to relax and get cleaned up a bit. (No showers, but one can use various types of wet wipes and a change of clothes is a must!). Again, we relaxed, read, chatted, had dinner, a campfire, etc. Our neighbors changed, and this night we had a young college age couple who were at the beginning of a six week road trip across the west across from us, sharing the bear box. We also had a group of people who annoyed me by listening to music loudly (huge pet peeve in a national park campground) and by collecting firewood even though it was expressly prohibited. Downed firewood may seem like it’s fine to use, but in certain ecosystems that wood is very important to the life of the forest, and again, you have to think, if everybody did this would it be okay? And the answer is no. (As far as my music pet peeve—why are you in nature if you need so much background music? Can’t you have any silence?)

I sounds grumpy Winking smile 

Anyway, the next morning was my birthday! I celebrated by sleeping in a bit, and then we took the shuttle up to the Bear Lake Trailhead. We’d decided to do an easier hike today, and chose to hike to Mills Lake, just over 5 miles RT. We’d been to Mills Lake before as part of a longer hike and remembered that we were awestruck by how beautiful it was, so that seemed like a nice day. We packed lunch and planned to spend some time relaxing at the lake as well.

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Bear Lake.

The line for the shuttle was pretty long (this was around 10:30 to 11 am) but we finally got onboard and rode up to the Bear Lake Trailhead. We decided to hike around Bear Lake first since we had never actually done that (at least we thought we didn’t, but I re-read an old post, and we did!) and we did see some snow on the ground! When I’d first started planning this trip I’d thought we might be more limited by snow since this was pretty early in the season to visit, but they had less snow than usual, so we didn’t have any problems.

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Anyway, we headed up the trail to Alberta Falls, and then continued on to Mills Lake. Alberta Falls was the least crowded we had ever seen it, and we stopped for loads of pictures along the way. It was another hot and sunny day, and I was glad to be wearing shorts and a short sleeve shirt. The sun was relentless at times.

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The hike was absolutely gorgeous the whole way.

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I liked the “small” boulder balanced on top of the hill here.

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Snow!

And then our first glimpse of Mills Lake.

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When we made it to Mills Lake we walked a little farther and then found a really nice place to sit down and relax.

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This was my view. On my 40th birthday I got to relax with this view. Not too shabby!

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I don’t know how long we stayed there just enjoying the view and relaxing, but it was longer than we usually sit during a hike! Then we hiked back down, and spent the rest of the night chilling out at the campsite.

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Our vacation was less action packed than some. Part of that was by design, and part was because I just ended up feeling really exhausted! One of my goals for the summer has been to really get back into shape—I’ve let that slide and focused on other things, but I think that being in better shape will help me manage my stress levels. I also have been working too hard, and I’m not sure the level is sustainable. Louie is in a similar boat, at least with working too hard, though he’s in fine shape…in any case, relaxing at the campsite was nice and I figure that’s part of what a vacation is for. It’s not like we weren’t enjoying the view! And this campground does get animals coming through it as well—deer and some small animals too.

The next morning we had to go to Estes Park very early, as I’d booked us on a downhill bike ride with New Venture Cycling again. We’d done a tour about three summers ago and I loved it, so this was my birthday treat. We had hoped to do the Old Falls River Road instead, but it wasn’t open to cyclists while we were visiting, so we did the Trail Ridge Road again. Last time I was quite nervous beforehand, but this time I was just excited! I’d also been doing more biking generally so I felt more experiences and ready for the trip. Basically, they drive to the top of the Trail Ridge Road, and we bike down it, stopping along the way to take breaks, catch our breath (not needed so much as it’s mostly downhill) and you learn quite a lot from the tour guide along the way. We were in a group of about 8 and we had a great time!

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More snow!

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Our guides were Brandon (from before) and a new guy named Seth who was great. They were both really nice, very informative and interesting, and the tour was amazing and so much fun. It was obviously cold when we started out, but warmed up by the end.

After the ride, we went to Dad’s Maytag Laundry and Showers for, well, showers. And then to Ed’s Cantina in Estes Park for a yummy lunch. I was pretty sore at this point in my legs, and hot and tired, and had blisters and whatnot, so I wanted to just sit around and relax. Louie was feeling a little stir-crazy, so he went for a short hike. The next morning we were to leave, so we were a little sad about that as well—a week just isn’t long enough, is it?

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We made our last dinner then, and last campfire.

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The next morning, Louie decided to go hike to Bierstadt Lake. I wasn’t up for it, so I walked over to Sprague Lake, which he had done the night before (it’s a direct trail from the campground, actually!) and then I sat facing the mountains and read a book until he returned.

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You can see our green tent on the bottom right corner.

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Then…sadly…we packed everything up and drove away. It’s worth mentioning that we left the park around 11 am on a Saturday and the line to get into the park was possibly 1/2 mile long. It went on and on, around curve after curve. If you are visiting and not staying in the park, get there early or later in the afternoon or you will be a line for a long time.

We didn’t take the scenic route this time—just the most direct route home. We didn’t know how far we’d get in one day, but we hoped to make it to close to Kansas City. We ended up driving to Lawrence and stopped there (and had dinner at a Cracker Barrel  before we stopped) and then drove the rest of the way in the morning the next day.

So there you have it! One really long blog post to cover a trip that was really all about one destination. Some of you may never go, some of you might think we are crazy to camp there, but I’ll tell you, once you have camping gear, you save so much money camping, and you get to experience the great outdoors—and the VIEWS!!

And then you get home to your bed, and the hot water, and the easy access to showers and the toilet, and you really feel like you are lucky, and you don’t take nearly as many things for granted.

If you have any questions about Rocky Mountain National Park, don’t hesitate to ask! I’m not an expert by any means, but since this was our third trip (but hopefully not last, I still have a dozen hikes I want to do!) I might be able to help.

A Two Cat Household

I didn’t exactly plan on it, but…we now have a two cat household.

Meet Miles.

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He was a feral cat that walked up to my friend Michael’s porch one day and seemed friendly and in want of human help. Michael and Heather started feeding him and he hung around a bit more, and ended up being very friendly and affectionate. They couldn’t keep him because they already have enough pets, but decided he needed a good home, and…here we are!

Miles came over yesterday to see if he and Muriel would get along, which we suspected might work. Miles was in his cage at first, and Muriel sniffed him, and then when there wasn’t any growling or hissing, we opened the door. Muriel walked RIGHT into the cage with him.

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Since then, we’ve been working on getting him situated. He seems to enjoy being inside well enough and is doing well with the litter box. They are wrestling pretty intensely, but most of the time it seems quite harmless (I’m doing a lot of internet research.) I’m around quite a lot this week (and month, really) so it’s a good time to introduce somebody new to the household.

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No cat will ever replace Mackenzie, of course (nor any dog), but it’s good for Muriel to have a friend, I think. And it’s good to have some young animals running around keeping us entertained!

Of course, I haven’t taught lessons with them both here yet. That should be interesting. But I’m sure things will settle into a routine soon enough.

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I don’t know where the week went otherwise. I was teaching, doing household errands, some stuff with my band…we played at a variety of Make Music Day events.

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Louie and I went on a long bike ride on Saturday—we went from St Charles to Machens on the Katy Trail, which was about 12.5 miles each way. Machens is the beginning (well, eastern terminus) of the trail, but the odd thing about it is that there is no way to really get there, except by the trail.

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This was the low point of the bike ride.

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Oh, and here’s just a few more cat pictures. This is officially a cat blog again, you guys!

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Muriel is trying out being a backpack.

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Miles trying to escape under the couch.

Oh, and he’s probably about 8 months or so old, and isn’t yet neutered, which isn’t too big of a problem, but a few things have made me want to hurry. I made an appointment for Friday…he has had his first round of shots and tests for illnesses and such though.

Wish us luck! While I still on occasion miss my old pal Oistrakh (the fatness) I’m so happy to have some new cats in my life to grow to love.  And I think that two is a good number.

Work, Work, Work

Since the beginning of May I’ve had a little more time to think and breathe and reflect on my life. And since this week I only have a 4 day work week (thank you summers!) I have even more time. I thought I was busy today because I had students from 10:30 to 8 but I have had plenty of breaks and already did a great workout and practiced some (can’t overdo it as I’m still getting back into shape and my thumb is a little sore.)

I’m not busy though, by any stretch of the imagination. I was able to do a bit of housecleaning as well, and I’ve been working on booking some things for our August trip while I have time now to research.

Normally, as you know, I am busy. And I hear a lot on the internet about how being busy is bad, and I read posts and blogs from other so-called freelancers who tell me I need to say no to more gigs and I need to search within and seek what I really want out of life and cut out the rest. That I should focus all my energy into my absolute goals, which definitely can’t have anything to do with teaching children or being in an orchestra, or any traditional freelancing. And I read these posts and see many people saying in the comments, yes, this is great, this is exactly what new graduates need to hear…and maybe I’m not as busy as I think if I’m reading this junk, BUT…

Nobody told me what to do when I graduated either. I looked around though, and I saw what other people were doing, and I tried to do that, but better, or at least, as good. I networked (that means I tried to be friendly but I also let people know I was seeking work), I practiced (gotta stay in shape, no matter what), and I wasn’t afraid of hard work. In this day and age, if you have bills, if you are actually trying to support yourself as a musician, you have to work a lot. I don’t see anybody telling me another way to do it. All the blogs I mention, the posts on social media, these don’t tell me a way to make enough money to pay bills, to save for a rainy day, to save for retirement. What I do, this pays enough, finally, after years of living here, and before that, what I did in Cleveland paid enough…I’ve definitely made mistakes along the way, but I have had a lot of freelance success, and I hope to continue.

I guess my thoughts are a bit rambled, and since I am a working musician, I won’t spend a lot of time revising this. I am just getting my thoughts down here. Basically I’m saying, take it all into consideration. Listen to a lot of people. But don’t assume you can make a good living without really working hard. And that means that yes, you will take some terrible gigs. But you will also get some wonderful gigs, and sometimes that terrible gig means you meet a person who later gets you a wonderful gig. You will have some terrible students, but you will also have some wonderful students, and if you are lucky, they will all be awesome people and perhaps not always great students. And don’t be afraid to ask people to pay you in advance, and to pay you a little bit more than they are comfortable doing so. And check your email often and be quick to respond to inquiries. And when you do have a gig, show up early and prepared, and be nice.

One of my friends had a quartet gig the other year and she said somebody came up to them (all female group) and said, well, I know you all have rich husbands supporting you. She was insulted, of course, on a variety of levels…but the fact is that some musicians you see out there DO have that. Some have rich parents supporting them. But others are just hustling, working hard, and having to do a bit more to get by. If you are trying to support yourself (and I highly recommend it, as the satisfaction is high), don’t beat yourself up for being tired and busy. Find the quiet time when you can. But work hard, take those gigs, and show up early, well prepared, and always, ALWAYS, with a  beautiful sound.

And sometimes, maybe, maybe I work too hard. And sometimes I need to settle for a little less than perfection. And I definitely don’t have all the career answers, and probably in five years I will have a different opinion of this blog post…and maybe I’m being a little mean towards those well meaning people who post things, but I also know how monetizing things works, and that’s another question to ask yourself, if you are a new graduate, ask yourself what is the writer getting out of the blog post? Question things. And work hard. And did I mention, be nice and show up early?

I promise I’m still going to share my Colorado trip. It involves uploading and sorting pictures (so many!) so I’m putting it off until I have a larger chunk of time.

Sightseeing at home

We’ve been back home for Colorado for nearly a week now, and my sister Leslie and niece Athena came to visit after that. Athena is slightly over 3 1/2 years old, and Leslie a bit older than that. I’ll tell you more about our Colorado trip in a day or two (or you know how I am-I’ll get to it, though!) but I thought I’d pop in tonight and say hello to you all and give a quick overview of the week here!

It’s fun having family visit, because you really do all the things in town that you don’t normally do. I took the week off to spend with them—I had to turn down some really fun opportunities, but I think that sometimes you have to pick what’s important, and I decided that the Colorado trip and family visit was very important, and would be what I remembered down the line.

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We went to a lot of great attractions in town: the Zoo, the Science Center, Grant’s Farm (an annual affair)…we got pedicures and had high tea at the London Tea Room. We went to Olio, Union Loafers, House of India, Bing Bing, and Seoul Taco. We rode a train, a tram, a carousel (some of us twice), one rode a pony, we fed goats, parakeets, we saw elephants and bison and elk and ostriches and MORE. We read books, played games, taught Athena how to talk to Alexa on the Echo, and basically just had a great time. I’m completely exhausted just thinking about it!

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Elephants at the Zoo.

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On the Zoo Train—you pay one price and can hop on/hop off all day long.

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Pretzels and beer at Grant’s Farm—and lemonade for the little one. The beer is FREE.

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Feeding the parakeets.

It was a really fun visit with them, and I’m sorry we don’t live closer to each other! Athena was shy at first, but after a few days she was right at home bossing me around and telling me how to use my windshield wipers.

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High Tea at the London Tea Room-a gift from Leslie.

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We ate all those tiers of goodies. The scones were especially tasty, and the cucumber sandwiches were a sleeper hit.

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Athena had a nice time with Muriel the cat too. We are still so sad and missing Mackenzie, but it’s been good to have a lot of things going on to distract us. I tell myself that she had a good long life for a dog of her kind and I tell myself that she had a wonderful and fulfilling life, lots of people playing the violin, walks and hikes, good food and friends and hugs and pets…

But this isn’t the day to be sad. We had a big storm the other night, lots of rain, a bit of hail, and afterwards…a huge rainbow.

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It was a double rainbow, and Louie sent that picture from work. I was at home, and could see it, but the picture wasn’t as good, plus the rainbow was obscured by the neighbor’s house.

It was sad that Athena didn’t get to see Mackenzie again. I was looking forward to that, but that’s how things go.

But, life goes on, doesn’t it? We have a ton of things going on in the next week as far as culture and recreation, and I’m back to work too. I played at Showcase STL today with my band , Third Millenium World’s Fair. I don’t consider that work, but play, but I’m back on the violin, and the emailing, and the trying to organize lessons…but it’s easier in the summer. It’s hot, it’s sticky, it’s buggy…and summer is definitely here.

Goals for the next few weeks: stay relaxed, work out almost every day, practice violin and viola, continue decluttering the house and see more of my friends than I have been.

Do I sound more relaxed than usual? I hope so!

Best Friend

We had to say goodbye to Mackenzie yesterday morning.

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She’d had various health issues over the past few years, but I thought we had everything under control. I thought we had more time.

She had an accident in the house on Monday while we were out. We thought we just hadn’t made sure to take her outside. But she wasn’t herself afterwards. We thought she was tired, or ashamed. We took her for a short walk and she was happy to see the neighbors who live around the corner and always give her treats. She had stopped wanting to go to the park, but we thought she was just getting old.

Late Tuesday night she woke me up with a bark to go outside, which was somewhat unusual but not totally weird. I let her out.

She’d been having trouble with stairs. I went back to sleep after letting her out. Then I woke up a little later, and went out to see if she wanted back in. It was dark, maybe 4:30 am. I didn’t hear her. I tossed and turned trying to decide if she was just relaxing outside. The weather was nice. I woke Louie up a bit later and he went out to look for her.

He found her, lying outside towards the side of the yard. She was breathing very heavily. He convinced her to come inside. Still we didn’t know. Until we realized, no, this isn’t okay. We had already made a vet appointment, but at 6:30 we decided to start heading out to the 24 hour vet.

Mackenzie was a big dog. Sometimes in my head I’d think, what if she couldn’t walk and I needed to take her somewhere. She couldn’t walk. She had gotten up to drink water and then collapsed. She was just lying there on the floor.

Louie was able to scoop her up. He carried her in his arms to the car and loaded her in the back seat. He sat with her while I drove us the ten minutes to the vet. She seemed scared, but she was also very much just tired and barely conscious.  I knew it probably wasn’t okay, but I was still hopeful that they could do something. Though I knew, I had sometimes thought of how one day we might have to carry her to the car, and how if we had to carry that big dog, that big strong and brave dog, that would be near the end.

When we got there, I went in to get help bringing her inside. Some people got a stretcher and took her in. She wasn’t moving. We waited.

They brought us into a private room. The vet said that the X-rays showed a variety of masses in her body, cancer. I don’t remember everything he said. He said something about it looking like something had ruptured around her heart and he could barely hear her heartbeat. That the masses were all over and in her lungs. That yes, they could do surgery, but the chance of anything saving her was slim, that it wasn’t right to do anything other than end her suffering.

They brought her in. She was just lying there, breathing heavily. We petted her, and we cried, and all of that. Her paws were cool and she was just lying there. And the vet helped to ease her pain while we petted her.

I only met Mackenzie when I started to get to know Louie. I’d never had a dog before—I’d never even liked dogs. Mackenzie was the dog that made me like dogs. She was so sweet and fun. She loved violin, and she loved seeing my students. She was best friends with Louie, and she was brave and protective and kind. She would do anything to try to get a treat or extra food. She loved going to the park, she loved going for hikes, she loved swimming in the water and sleeping on her couch.

Louie got her when she was a puppy. He has a much longer story with her, but that isn’t my story, and it isn’t my story to tell. She was born on March 1, 2006, and she died on May 30, 2018.  She made my heart so much bigger, but she left a huge hole.

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This must have been around Christmas time. She’d lost her hair due to an illness, but the medicine made it under control. Maybe that made her more susceptible to cancer, the medicine.

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Last spring, in Forest Park. You can, as a bonus, see my dad coming out the door in the background.

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One of her favorite things was licking the peanut butter jar when it was done. She’d often take it out into the backyard and make an outdoor activity out of it. After she licked as much as she could, sometimes we’d cut the top off so she could start again and lick down to the bottom!

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She and Muriel were becoming good friends.

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Out for a hike at Rockwoods Reservation (I think?).

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Sleeping on the bed. She LOVED soft places.

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Sticks and snow. She loved picking up sticks that were entirely too big for her to actually walk with. This was an example. And she loved the cold and the snow too, with her thick black fur.

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This was at Thanksgiving. The weather was warm, but the ice rink at Forest Park had snow drifts around it.

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She was probably hoping to get a snack here!

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At Castlewood State Park. She loved hiking and would go bounding up steep rocky trails like it was nothing. She would search for ways to get into bodies of water and go swimming.

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Here’s her swimming in the Maplewood Pool.

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And then she’d try to climb up and it was hard to get her, so we’d work hard to get her to swim to a staircase or ladders. Once she figured it out though, she’d remember how to get in and out of the pool.

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And that was a selfie at the Beggin’ Pet Parade in Soulard one year.

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She always loved hanging out while I practiced. If I shut the door she would bark until I let her in.

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She always looked so wise. And this was her favorite couch, her whole life.

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I’m glad we were able to get one last short camping trip and hike with her. I don’t know that she had as much fun as she did when she was younger, but it was nice to do and we will have that memory. At the time I planned it I thought it might be her last summer, even though I never said that. I just didn’t know it was her last month. I just thought we’d have more time.

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She had nice time poking around the woods and trying to eat weird stuff she shouldn’t.

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Her with her brother, Banjo. Banjo lives with some friends of ours. Those guys would always have fun but get into big trouble together.

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The two of them on Mackenzie’s favorite couch.

That’s a picture of Louie and me and Mackenzie (and Louie’s brother Julian.) I couldn’t find any other than that! Mackenzie never did learn to look at the camera, but I think she had more important things on her mind.

She will be missed. She was a great dog, who touched so many lives. But those of us who lived with her will of course miss her the most. She leaves a Mackenzie sized hole here and that’s a big hole.

I hope we did well for her. I think she was a lucky dog to have us, and Louie especially, and we were lucky people to know her. That’s the best you can do, right?