I went to Trader Joe’s today and WHOA it was all decorative gourds, and pumpkins and all the products you can imagine with pumpkin in them. (I used to be obsessed with pumpkin spice lattes, but now that I mostly work from home I rarely buy coffee out…I guess I’m saying I will probably have one at some point this season, but I tend to save my calories for other stuff than lattes these days! Sadly.)

I did buy pumpkin ravioli, and considered a few other things. Pumpkin waffles, pumpkin butter, and pumpkin biscotti looked quite interesting. Pumpkin spice cookie butter looked awesome too, but probably a bad idea. If nothing else, I should make my homemade pumpkin bread that I love! I don’t think I made it last year, so it’s well overdue. I used to bake more than I do these days, and I keep meaning to change that. I suppose I practice and teach more than I used to, but it’s not like I don’t have some extra time. (Right now, for instance, because while it’s Friday night and I’m sure I should be out doing something fantastic, Louie is doing homework and we are resting up for a little backpacking trip this weekend. Tomorrow morning we must get a decently early start…and last night we went to Gringo so…)

We are going backpacking in Taum Sauk State Park with a few friends. I’ve never been backpacking before (where you carry your camping supplies on your back) so I’m a little terrified, but I had a fun time camping with Louie for three weeks in August, so I’m sure this will be fun too. (It’s not Colorado or Wyoming though, sadly.) (And I promise I am at some point going to finish telling you about the August trip and sharing pictures…but it’s harder because everything after Yellowstone isn’t as fun!)

This week really flew by. I did a few social things (yay!) and had some nice meals out (Layla, Sameem, Gringo) with friends. I had quartet rehearsal and decided to learn the Bach C Major Sonata for my recital with Jen in the spring. I joined a new music federation with the idea of having some of my students play for a festival in the spring to motivate them more (ALWAYS the trouble!). I ran 9 miles yesterday after having a bit of knee pain earlier in the week, and felt great after it.

I got distracted and starting reading some of my old blog posts. I sometimes worry I am in a teaching rut and am not being creative enough to inspire and motivate the kids, or that I start getting used to seeing some of their bad habits and get tired of bugging them all the time. I’ve been trying to review each student in my mind before the teaching day and remember some important technique points to focus on (or make careful notes, so that I stay consistent) but I don’t know if I am as fun of teacher as in the past…one of my students told me awhile ago that I need some new games, and I never have gotten around to doing much with that idea! I need to attend an institute or workshop next summer, if I can swing the money, to get inspired again.

I was reading a blog about teaching the other day, and about how we as teachers are constantly comparing our studios to other people’s studios, and perhaps feeling like we are falling short, but that they are OUR STUDIOS, and not anybody else’s. And therefore they are ours to run as we please and how we see fit, and that we can do what we think is best and with the approach that we want, and that our students will appreciate and respect us for being the teacher than we are (or not, and then they will find other teachers, and we will get new students who will.) It doesn’t help when I’ll have students come in telling me what their orchestra teacher needs me to work on with them…I don’t work for their orchestra teacher. I work for me. If I am trying to meet somebody else’s invisible and impossible standards, and especially if those standards don’t align with mine, then yes, I will feel like I’m a bad teacher. If I’m trying to meet MY standards, then I’ll feel like a bad teacher too 😉 but I know what my standards are, and I know that they are what I firmly believe in and want to work towards! I am not even halfway through my teaching career, so there is time ahead to learn and grown, but I must remember that I have already been teaching for over 20 years, and playing the violin for over 30 years, and I certainly have a fair amount of expertise in both!

I do feel like many of my blog posts lately are about me trying to build my own confidence up! I don’t know if I’m being too hard on myself, or allowing other people to bring me down? Or just forgetting that what people project on the outside isn’t necessarily what they have on the inside (comparing my inside to their outside?) Or that I feel too dependent on other people and their opinions? The problem with being self-employed is that it often all feels like it can fall apart…which is ridiculous—it can’t fall apart all of a sudden. Even if one person decides I’m a terrible teacher or violinist there would be a dozen more who thought I was fantastic!

So, I went “full nerd” the other day and bought this book:

I’m working hard on getting all of my students up to the levels they should be on their scales (often it’s like pulling teeth, and I haven’t gotten everybody involved yet, but I will, because, gosh darn-it, scales are important to being able to enjoy playing the violin) and I figure this book might give me some great ideas, while improving my own technique. I also own “Basics” by the same author, and would love to eventually get his other books too, because while Basics is very overwhelming, I’ve learned some really interesting exercises from it as well.

I don’t have any good cat pictures to share at this time, but there’s a fun cartoon I’ve seen on the internet.

Oh, and the animals are doing basically okay. Chloe, the white cat, is having some trouble with a scab related to having fleas, but we are hopeful that she will heal up soon. I’m worried to leave her for an overnight trip, but we will be gone for only a bit longer than 24 hours really and someone will be stopping by.  Mackenzie the dog is more energetic than she had been, after starting some thyroid meds, and Oistrakh, aka the Fatness, aka Dr. Oysterman, my tortoiseshell cat that I’ve had since 2002, since she was a little kitten only 5 weeks old…she is thinner than ever (in a good way!), and though she is still pretty mean to the other animals, she doesn’t hiss quite as often. All of the animals are getting old, but hopefully they still have many good years left. An old friend from my time in Charlotte (Alex) once said, pets are little tragedies just waiting to happen.

And on that note…do you have any plans for the weekend? Am I the only musician who is often filled with self-doubt and assumes other people are harshly judging her?

Time flies! I’m in the middle of opera rehearsals which always throw off my schedule and make me busy. Winter Opera St Louis is performing Otello this weekend.

I’m also playing some Irish music this weekend (Saturday night) with a pick-up group. Visit the facebook event page for more information, but it’s a lot of fun, we sound pretty good, and $5 gets you two drink coupons plus the show. A fantastic deal! And seriously, playing Irish music has been really fun for me.  Here’s a video we took at a rehearsal. https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153093443515853

So as much as I haven’t been sitting down and blogging I’ve been having fun taking at least one picture a day and posting it to Instagram, so I’m documenting my life that way. It’s fun and mostly it’s food, pets, and the occasionally selfie. When I think about my life it’s probably pretty boring right now: students, pets, violin, repeat! Which is partly why I haven’t been blogging, but the other part is, I haven’t had time…or haven’t made time at least.

I have been making efforts to be more social and ask friends to do things. I think the cold weather always makes me want to be a homebody but then I start feeling sorry for myself for having no friends…then I remind myself I’m in control of that. Mostly. So I’ve been making an effort to leave the house more and not just sit around watching Dr Who with Louie in my downtime. Not that that isn’t actually one of my favorite activities, but does it really make as much of an impact on my life as having a lovely dinner with friends? (and any friends reading this saying, hey what about me, just ask!)

We had a decently successful Perseid Quartet concert last weekend. I say decently successful because I was quite happy with how we played but wished a few more folks had come. Perhaps the weather kept them away, or maybe we didn’t promote as well as we could have. Nonetheless the audience we did have was wonderful and supportive and seemed to really enjoy the concert! We are repeating the program on April 19 with an additional piece by Hindemith and doing some other things in between.

My friend April took some pictures at the show.

I love how intense I look when I play. And that I don’t know what to do with my feet!

Okay, random picture and thought time! I’m done being quasi-serious for now.

Trader Joe’s pizza with sauteed mushrooms and egg. Just crack the egg on the frozen pizza and bake as usual!

Too many flats!

I got new glasses. Normally I wear contacts, but these are cute and (finally) come with an up to date prescription that I can SEE with.

I love our fruit bowl. I’m not saying a red pepper is a fruit though.

I haven’t taken as many pictures of the fatness lately for a variety of reasons. One was that we were dog sitting for another dog and she was hiding out the entire time. She basically moved on top of a tall dresser for the week and only came out when absolutely necessary. Things are back to normal now though, so perhaps she’ll start feeling comfortable again.

We went to a couple of symphony concerts recently. This was from one with Augustin Hadelich playing the Tchaikovsky Violin Concerto. Oh my. He was wonderful! Impeccable technique, great sound, and wonderful musicianship. I was blown away. And he played an encore of Paganini’s 5th Caprice “because he can” as a friend said. It’s weird going to symphony concerts since my ex-husband is a member, but it gets less weird as I keep going. I guess it’s only weird now because he’s ON the stage. But he does live here in town somewhere, and we are both musicians (yes, I am a musician even though I’m not in the symphony, ha!) so I suppose we do co-exist. Sometimes it’s hard for me knowing he is here and is of course more respected since I’m “just” a freelancer, teacher, (and woman), and I wonder if I’m missing opportunities because of him. But I can’t really let that bother me, and I just have to do my thing, don’t I?

That being said (I’m putting on a brave smile and thinking of how much happier I am today), the Tchaikovsky Concerto was excellent, Tchiakovsky Symphony no. 6 was great the week before, and then we braved the snowstorm on Saturday to see Stephanie from my quartet play baroque cello at the Tavern of Fine Arts with another group of hers. The program was Vivaldi and other composers I’d never heard of, and it was great. I love seeing concerts at the Tavern, and I enjoyed hearing “new” music and supporting a friend.

(The large necked instrument is a theorbo.)

To end on a funny note, here’s something a friend posted on my facebook wall.

Many years ago, when I was freelancing in Cleveland, a small group of friends and I would get weekly lunches at a nearby sushi place and talk about all kinds of important stuff, as small groups of friends tend to do. (yes, Ginny, Sally, and Leslie, if you’re reading, I’m talking about you.) Ginny—I believe it was Ginny–once asked us what our five year plans were, and to be honest, I’m just not a five year plan kind of girl. I’m not really a plan kind of person: I try to do my best with what I have and figure it’ll all work out for the best in the long run. Whether it has or hasn’t is definitely questionable, but I just find it…pointless…to make specific plan when we all know that life will just throw stuff at you anyway. I’m not sure what the other girls’ five year plans were (I tend to focus on myself more than I should, and I just don’t remember) but perhaps they have achieved them and more!

Sometimes I feel like  my career could have benefitted from more plans or goals. I’ve had various goals, and achieved some and failed miserably at others (I see a difference between goals and plans, maybe you do, maybe I’m silly, maybe it’s late and I’m rambling)…but long run I feel like I’m just pretty much doing what I was doing back in the days we were having those sushi lunches, and maybe I’ve been wrong all alone for not having specific plans. I don’t know. The older I get, the less I know.

I think I’m doing what I do now BETTER than I did then, but I’m no closer to feeling like a success than I was, and in fact, might be a lot further away. I just don’t know.

I may never be a success. Now, before you get all concerned, and make a comment telling me otherwise, hear me out. I think it’s time I admit I should just focus on what I do well. I was talking with a good friend recently about this. Frederick Sanger had his first Nobel Prize by the age of 40: what have we accomplished? More importantly, what do we HOPE to accomplish in the next five years? And I said well, ideally my cat will be an internet meme by then.

Yeah, that’s what I do well. I think back to a blog post where I asked you guys to let me know if you thought I posted too many cat pictures or not enough. (I searched for said post but couldn’t find it.) Results were mixed—VERY mixed. Some of you said, I like your blog except you post way too many cat pictures, and the rest of you said, I wish you would post a lot more cat pictures. So that was super helpful, in that I learned you can never please anyone. If you follow me on instagram (and you should, hannahviolin is my name there, surprisingly) you’ll see that at least half of my pictures are of my cat.

I’m not sure what that means exactly. I could use this space to write more about music and violin, and more funny teaching stories (and, oh, I have some good ones from today, especially one student who managed to get from “why do we read music on a five lined staff rather than some other possibly superior system” to “Vampires would be able to count the number of pieces of rice you dropped on the floor really quickly”).

(Sometimes they bring cool gifts too, like things to put on your music stand—yes, it is purple—to keep the feet from scratching the floor!)

I suppose, my students generally seem to love me, and I think I am turning them into far better violinists than they would otherwise be, and I play a mean Pachelbel Canon AND Meditation so…I’m probably going to be just fine. Maybe I am a success, just not financially, and that’s okay. I didn’t go into this stuff to be rich, I did it because I love playing the violin. (Yes I do even though some days I forget that!)

That is, if I get some sleep. And yes, I did get my car back this morning and then I barely drove it, so I’m not sure it is fixed but I will know in a few days, and I SURE HOPE SO.

Mini poll time: are you a more cat pictures or less cat pictures reader? Maybe my demographics have changed…though keep in mind, your answer will not affect the blog in any way, unless you all want more cat pictures, in which case BEWARE WHAT YOU WISH FOR.