I’m taking a break from writing about our trip to just writing about my life right now. I’m sure you’re disappointed 😉
September is shaping up to be BUSY. I got asked to play a wide variety of concerts: several on the violin, one on the baroque violin, one on the viola! So there’s a fair amount of “I really should practice” going on, some actual practicing, and then setting up rehearsals, adjusting some students, that sort of thing. I added a chamber music coaching to my responsibilities at Wash U, and I added it on Wednesday evenings, which means that suddenly I am a night person rather than a morning person. I left the music school at 10 pm the other night and was somehow surprised by how busy it was! I also had to teach a makeup last night until 9:30 pm…and I wasn’t even that tired! My alarm didn’t go off until 8 am this morning and it was glorious.
Seriously, after teaching for 4 years in a job (which wouldn’t even have started up yet, but still) which required a 5:30 am wakeup on 4 days a week, not doing that is still a real treat. I will miss aspects of the job, but NOT the morning wakeup. I can freely add things to my evenings and nights without worrying about getting an appropriate amount of sleep, and it’s really relaxing.
The cats can never get enough of Louie. Me, they tolerate. Him, they absolutely love. For Muriel, I suspect it is partly because he does NOT play the violin, and she detests the violin. For Miles, well, they are special soul mates and that’s just how it is.
Monday we biked from St Charles to Machens on the Katy Trail, about 13 miles each way. It was probably the last long bike ride I will manage before our biking/canoing trip in mid-October, but we will get some shorter ones in. I don’t have any more days off until after that, but I do have some days with less things on them.
Sometimes I wonder if we are doing things wrong…other friends without children seem to have a lot more free time! I think often people think that if you don’t have kids that means you will have a lot of free time, and it definitely depends on what you do for your job. If you have jobs like us, which take up so much time (especially seasonally) you still end up being quite busy! I have thought maybe I should do a whole post on not having children, and perhaps I will someday soon. I wouldn’t say that my life looks exactly how I thought it would when I was a child, but whose does? I am not regretful about it in any way, and I love having so many worthwhile (to me at least) things that I do.
Sometimes I day dream what it would be like to have a “regular” 8-5 job, but I know if I did I would just fill my evenings and weekends with music activities. There’s no way for me to not be a musician! On the rare nights that I am done early, like 5 pm, which happened here and there over the summer, it was funny, because we didn’t even know what to do with ourselves! And then sometimes we would just go to bed really early, which was pretty nice anyway, because so much of the summer felt like I was just catching up on sleep and trying to get back into a more normal sleep routine…but it wasn’t like I suddenly had all these hours free, they just went away anyway. I’m sure some people have more interesting hobbies that take up their evening hours (my friend April does aerial silks and plays the flute in addition to biking, hiking, etc) but certainly many people just watch more tv.
Anyway! Louie and I have Saturday evening off together and we may go out to see some live music Saturday night, and we also need to watch The Whale for our movie group. We also have a bike ride planned, in addition to our work: for me a few rescheduled lessons, a concert tonight, a wedding tomorrow, and a church service Sunday morning and rehearsal in the evening. This is September!
Everybody says that they are busy, and everybody says that we shouldn’t talk about how busy we are because being busy is bad.
Of course, everybody doesn’t say both of those things, but as a freelance musician and teacher, the way the conversation goes is this:
“How are you?”
“Busy!”
“That’s good!”
I’ve had this conversation (is it a conversation if it’s just three sentences?) with many people over the years. And while it doesn’t allow for much nuance, the idea is: busy equals working, which as a musician is good.
One thing I have been struggling with is how MUCH I need to work. On the one hand, I enjoy what I do: I like playing concerts, I like teaching students (not every day, but I do enjoy working with them overall), I like seeing my colleagues at various rehearsals and working together, and I love music. So when I see a free space on my calendar and somebody asks about something, or when somebody asks about something that sounds super fun, I will make it work. At the expense of, I suppose, everything else.
Many of the podcasts and books for women are how to balance work and life, with work being work and life being family/children. What if you are trying to balance work and life, with life being friends and your partner and whatever ELSE it is that you want to do other than work, because you don’t have children? This is something that people used to talk about, when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s, but I feel like nobody talks about it anymore. It’s assumed, in our culture, that all women in their 40’s have children to balance around, and it is also assumed that any who don’t have children have this freedom to their lives to do whatever they like, whenever they like. And I do know some people who do tend towards the latter, but I’m sure there are other people out there like me?
So, what does a 40-something do when they have to work very long hours to make their career work the way they want it to, but they also want to have a good relationship with their partner, their family and friends? It’s hard to fit it all in, even without children! (And yes, I know how people with children do it: as the lower earner in my household I would be the one cutting out work.)
January and February are traditionally my less busy months, but as I’ve mentioned here, that isn’t the case for this year. It’s a variety of things, but mainly because I took on four different chamber music concerts, two candlelight concerts (a new addition) and a two week run of a show at the Fox theatre, doubling on violin and viola…doing all that with teaching is a bit busy. If you are asking, how do I make it work, the answer is, extreme calendar organization, panic, and years of experience. The good news is, two of the concerts are today which will lighten the load a little bit. And then I have three days off (well, one day off, one day doing colonoscopy prep, and one day having and recovering from the procedure.) I should get some good reading in!
I realized my last trip recap was published without a title…oops! It seems like maybe my program could have reminded me of that, like when you try to send an email in gmail without a subject. Anyway, it’s fixed now, and I may even get a few more recaps written soon: there are probably 2 or 3 posts left and I’ve at least figured out what pictures to show you.
Mostly I just take pictures here, of Miles and sometimes Muriel (you’ll see her later in the post.)
But let’s catch up in the present, shall we? I hope you had a wonderful 4th of July (for readers from the US, that is, otherwise I hope you had a wonderful Tuesday.) I had one full week of regular work, and did some fun things as well. One of my students gave me tickets to see Ben Folds (so generous!) as they couldn’t use them, so Louie and I took advantage of our new proximity to the Metrolink (our light rail) and took it downtown to see the concert.
Ben Folds with his band. The cellist and guitarist on the left are a band called Tall Heights and they sang the first set alone–I really liked them as well.
Other social activities included having dinner with a friend who is moving, having dinner with Louie’s parents, and visiting with friends who had just moved and getting to see their new house.
Miles always has plenty to say
I also played a concert at a retirement community after some MAJOR storms–we got some crazy winds around here and a lot of trees got knocked down. Luckily we didn’t have any real damage ourselves, but some people in the city were killed by falling trees, so it was a good reminder of how dangerous these storms are.
The most recent week then: my sister Carrie visited, and we did a variety of activities. We had dinner at Olio and Mission Taco (separate visits), went to the Whitaker Music Festival concert at the Botanical Gardens, the Kemper Art Museum, and spent the 4th at two different parties with friends, both with pools.
The guest room is ready for more visitors!
I’ve been working on getting things done this summer. I’ve been doing more planning on paper (I have been inspired by a podcast I started listening to called The Best Laid Plans) and have really felt like I’ve been staying on top of my to-do- list and getting things done. I do enjoy taking my weeks and figuring out how to work things out within them, though with the caveat that it is a lot easier in the summer when my actual teaching hours are lower and my overall workload is more manageable.
Though, that brings us back to my evergreen problem of, how to work less while still bringing in the income I would like and feeling job satisfaction. I don’t see many freelance/teaching musicians who do this as a good example, so it’s a tricky thing to figure out. I will be setting up my fall schedule at the end of July, and I suspect the answer for that is, no more new students for the fall, even though I will likely get a dozen queries. For gigs, I’ve been doing some things lately I really enjoy, and I want to have room in my schedule for them. I also enjoy the weird thing of looking at my calendar empty and then gradually seeing it fill up with activities, concerts, gigs, etc. I do enjoy some days off, but I also enjoy seeing colleagues at jobs and playing fun concerts, so it is a constant game of give and take. When I do too much of any one thing I tend to wish I were doing something else.
Muriel, I promised I would share a picture! She loves jumping up on this wall.
Real talk: I do have a tendency to feel overly jealous of things I see other people doing, and some of my overscheduling is caused by a bit of FOMO though. I remind myself that nobody can play everything, and that I have had many wonderful opportunities and PLENTY of work, and I have a lovely old home which I love, and Louie and the cats, and that’s plenty to have. But I am not immune to the jealously factor, especially when so many people I went to college with or know are traveling the world playing music, or getting to sub with amazing orchestras, or who knows what. But it’s all relative, and I really try to focus on what I have in my life: for instance, I still haven’t even managed to finish telling you about my last vacation since it was so long! And I have too many students, and I am getting to play viola on a chamber music concert this week and playing four straight weekends of orchestra music with the Gateway Festival Orchestra. So, really, I am sure people are jealous of me, and I in return am jealous of them, and then we should all say, hmm, that probably cancels out, but that’s far easier said than done.
Other real talk: I think I mentioned that I slipped on the mud in May and hurt my knee? It had healed somewhat but was still bothering me so I went to the doctor last week. It looks like I sprained or strained my MCL, on the inside of the knee. It will likely heal up just fine but I am going to be doing some physical therapy, which unfortunately won’t start until later in the month. I did have the go ahead to continue running, which I have been trying to get back into, so I was glad to know that was okay to do. Hopefully the PT will get things back to normal over time!
I’m off to do some errands around the house, as one does: laundry, and probably more laundry. Oh, and for local readers, tonight is the first Gateway Festival Orchestra Concert, and the weather looks great!
It’s amazing that sometimes things can feel overwhelmed and go go go, and then you get a morning to sleep in and relax and suddenly all is right in the world again.
I’ve been entirely too busy–a thing I keep returning to in my life due to my workaholic tendencies and the fact that a musician really can fill the entire week with work if you aren’t careful…but it’s been going well, and aside from a few moments last week when I was wistful about the time I spent 10 days in bed recovering from surgery in August, and secretly thinking getting COVID again might be nice because then I wouldn’t have to go anywhere…aside from those moments, things are going well.
Fun things: Louie and I went to dinner again at the Lucky Accomplice. It was us really wanting to eat the Missouri Rice dish again (so good!) and a few other things. We agreed that we need to not go there for awhile. We also went to the Symphony last night, which I didn’t want to do because I was tired and the idea of staying home and watching Deadwind on Netflix instead was so very appealing, but we had tickets and so we went. And enjoyed it. Leila Josefowicz played a concerto by Helen Grime, and it was an intense experience. I would say that half the audience was blown away in a good way and the other half was blown away in a bad way, but there is no way to walk away not having had an experience!
Other fun things: the Election results weren’t so bad, so that was okay. And that was a gorgeous day, weather wise, so Louie and I were able to spend a little time walking around the neighborhood. It is becoming a bittersweet feeling, and we will really miss this neighborhood.
Work things: I had two lovely weddings yesterday: I love working with good musicians who are relaxed about weddings. I’ve had some stressful experiences the past few years and it’s nice to just show up, play, and be told calmly what the plan is. Yesterday was great.
I have gotten better at making phone calls again. Over the course of my life I’ve had mixed feelings about calling people I don’t know (as many do, I’m sure!). I got over my fears in college when I worked for the Box Office at my school and often had to make and answer phone calls. At some point in my life I grew wary again, and a few years ago really got bad at it after getting yelled at by a potential student’s mom. Well, not a potential student. I had kind of forgotten this, but I remembered recently and wanted to share because I realized it made me stressed about phone calls for a long time afterwards and now I feel like I can face it again and that yes, it’s okay to pick up the phone, because that wasn’t my fault and most people are kind and decent.
What happened was (at least in my recollection) I got a voicemail from a person looking for violin lessons on a Friday. I was busy. I was busy all weekend, and besides, it’s the weekend, right, there’s no law that you have to make business calls on the weekend? and then I called the number Monday morning, and they YELLED at me for not returning their call sooner. It took me several years now to realize WHY I was stressed when I got voicemails and to feel like I needed to call them back right away, because getting yelled at by strangers is for me one of the worst things. And I am reminding myself, I didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, I can return a phone call weeks after and anybody who yells at me about that is the one in the wrong. So when I have phone calls to make, I am trying to just relax, and say to myself, they may or may not answer, and if I leave a voicemail and they call back later and I can’t answer, that’s okay too. Because my work schedule is such that often answering the phone is hard.
That’s my Sunday navel-gazing 😉 but seriously, with all of the stressful things going on, trying to get in touch with people about house and moving stuff, it’s nice to pinpoint why phone calling is so stressful because then I can move past it, which I did pretty well with last week and made like, 6 phone calls to people I didn’t know, and every single person was totally great!
Okay, one more full week until Thanksgiving week, isn’t that crazy?? What are your plans for Thanksgiving?
My to do list isn’t too bad, but I keep having appointments! For instance, in addition to my regular work schedule (nearly 40 students a week plus morning classes) I had an eye doctor appointment and an appointment for a blood draw for my yearly physical. Nothing big, but adding those things on makes life busier! In addition, I’m working on decluttering here, giving things away on my local Buy Nothing Group (this is relatively new to me and I absolutely love it), and we might be getting ready to buy a house…that is, we are working on that, and that means more appointments, as well as looking for various financial paperwork stuff and figuring out what needs to be done.
The “Ain’t Too Proud” mural at the Fox Theater: visiting shows can paint on the walls backstage and it’s always fun to see the new murals.
I’m also getting my students ready for the Arch Cup, which means more paperwork and communication. And we divided into individual classes for my morning job, which means attendance is now my issue as well as communication with parents. Basically, things are hectic here! It’s a lot! We are managing, but I sometimes feel like I’m just running on adrenaline. I had thought October would be my breathing time, and while yes, it is compared to September, it’s still pretty crazy. If we end up getting the house, I don’t think we will have any breathing time until all is moved and settled, and that seems like a long way away.
However, it’s all good stuff. If we get a new house, it’s a very good thing. My students are doing well and most are really trying their best and just the sweetest kids. Decluttering is always a good thing as well, as we all know. And while I feel like I’ve been having tons of doctor’s appointments, it’s just the time of year a lot of my annual things come up, and I’m recovered really quite well from surgery: almost entirely back to normal. I’m dealing with a shoulder problem though, nothing super serious, but I’m meeting with a physical therapist next week about it. And I thought my vision was getting back that I couldn’t read well and would need bifocals, but it turns out that my right eye prescription just isn’t strong enough, and when my new contacts come in I should be able to see perfectly again! The cats are well, Louie is doing well, our parents (and siblings) are doing well dealing with their various maladies but with solutions and medical interventions that seem to be working, and we have some nice travels planned for the rest of the year: New Orleans for Thanksgiving and our families, though separately due to scheduling issues.
Muriel and I enjoy a few moments of down time.
Other than the horrific things going on with our state and national government, life is good. We are planning a hike for this weekend, which will be lovely. I haven’t gotten outside for something like that since before my surgery, and the weather looks perfect for it: cool enough and sunny. Every time I think life will be less busy I obviously don’t mean it, but I think it’s probably just important to recognize that I get value from being needed in my career and that Louie and I both do enjoy our work and end up doing it more hours than some people do.
Funny thing yesterday: (well, sort of funny). I have this two drawer wooden filing cabinet that I bought the first year I was working. I remember I thought, well, I need somewhere to file important paperwork. Which is absolutely true! And then I’ve kept things filed in it for years, I know that any important papers are in there and even if the filing system isn’t always perfect stuff is there. I was looking for a particular tax document yesterday and realized I still had my taxes from 2003 and 2007. Which I don’t need so, yay, decluttering! But you know, that little filing cabinet was a really good purchase!
I mentioned I was having surgery, so I thought I’d check in and tell you a little about how it’s been going.
I think there are moments in your life, little moments, that change you all the time. And then there are moments in your life, big moments, that you know you will never be the same after. This fits into the latter. I’d had some medical procedures, but this one has changed me forever. And I don’t just mean physically, but with everything.
How do I mean? Okay, so without specifically putting my entire medical history onto the internet, I will say I had laparoscopic surgery on some issues with my lower abdomen. It was what needed to happen to resolve some issues I’d been having. I knew back in May that I would be having this surgery, so it was scheduled for several months.
I was so stressed about it. I pretended I wasn’t, and put on a good face for everybody, but I was. I was scared of the pain. I was, well, afraid of my own mortality, because I thought, this is the first physical thing that I have had that is truly irreversible, I’m getting old, nothing will ever be the same again, what if I never wake up from surgery even, those sorts of thoughts. And I was scared of the pain, that it would hurt and how I would deal with that.
Muriel never lets things bother her. Not actually true, as evidenced by her anti-vet behavior, but she certainly knows how to relax.
I realized, and this is stupid of me for realizing so late, that other people likely feel exactly like this going into surgery. How easy it is for us to compare our insides to other people’s outsides! How many times did I tell people good luck on their surgery and remind them of how successful it would be and that they had nothing to worry about? How likely it is that on the inside they were also terrified?
I had been so stressed that there were a couple of late night moments over the summer where I had a quasi panic attack, started crying and hyperventilating, that sort of thing. I just couldn’t imagine it. One of my coping mechanisms for life is visualizing outcomes, and for this I didn’t have enough to compare it too.
Luckily I had already been to the procedure center however, for an earlier procedure, and I did know what it would be like going under anesthesia, it was just the afterwards, and staying in the hospital, and being in pain that I had trouble with. And feeling like this was a decision I made, (the right decision, I believe) but still, I was doing something for an issue that wasn’t even causing me any obvious trouble.
As the time got closer, it became harder and harder to think or talk about, and the days just ticked down. My sister Leslie visited the two nights leading up to surgery as she was en route from her summer workplace to her home the rest of the year. It was a nice distraction. I had to drink a bunch of ensure drinks before the surgery, and wash with special soap.
Leslie’s cat Albergo enjoying my teaching chair.
Louie and I got up early a week ago, and arrived at St Clare Hospital by 5:30 am. Things got moving from there, checking in, paying, getting into my gown, getting my IV placed on my arm, etc. I was tired and stressed but also just ready to be done. The anesthesiologist came in to tell me what they would be doing, my doctor/surgeon came by (she was ready early, but we didn’t get started early), a bunch of other people stopped by, and then I was saying bye to Louie and they took me down the hallway to the surgery room. The people taking me (I don’t know if they were nurses, doctors, orderlies, whatever, you see so many different people) were joking amongst themselves about driving the stretcher, and seemed to enjoy their jobs. I imagine the sedation was already starting to kick in, but it was funny observing how my stretcher kept gaining people walking with us, from 2 people to 4 or 5 people. And then we stopped and I helped move myself from the stretcher to the operating table, and that’s all I remember of that.
I woke up in the recovery room with a nurse by me who I had met before. I was in pain, I felt cramping, pain, and also an intense feeling of having to urinate. She told me I shouldn’t have to but I insisted I did (I did) and I asked for more pain meds and asked how it went. She said it went very well, just as planned. I remember going in and out of sleeping there, and feeling like the pain was worst than I had imagined and wondering what on earth the anesthesiologist had meant about how they would make sure I was comfortable. I will say this: though I was able to sleep off and on, I was in no way comfortable. I don’t know if that is normal for surgery, but I was in quite a lot of pain for the rest of the day, and always wanted more medicine than they were willing to give me.
After awhile they took me up to my private room for the rest of the day and overnight. Louie was already there, and I was situated on the bed. I was more alert (likely not too much) but I wasn’t feeling well. The nurse tried to get me to eat some, and I was feeling nauseated. I finally did eat a little when she told me if I ate something she could give me a stronger pain medicine. I rested the afternoon away, and Louie napped as well–the room had places for family to sleep.
Anyway, I was up for eating by dinner time, so I ordered some food. I ended up not having much of an appetite, so I didn’t eat much of the quesadilla I’d ordered, but I did enjoy the chocolate brownie. (If you are staying at St Clare’s Hospital in Fenton, order the chocolate brownie). I was surprised by how many items there were on the menu to order, and I could have anything I wanted! It is too bad I was sick and wasn’t able to really take advantage of this.
I was still mostly lying on my side because of the pain and cramping, and my right shoulder also hurt tremendously. It had been hurting the previous few months and especially during opera, so I wasn’t super surprised, but since then it’s been fine, and I think that oddly the surgery made it worse! (this is a real thing.) At some point after dinner, Louie went home to sleep and see the cats. My night nurse gave me something to help me sleep, I think, and I ended up having the best night’s sleep I’d had in a long time! I believe I slept from 12:45 (the last time I called her in to help walk me to the bathroom) until 7 am.
Hospital selfie as I waited for check out.
I woke up and got my vitals checked (they did this periodically), got my medicine, and ordered my breakfast. I was pretty hungry but didn’t want to eat too much (they warned me not to because of digestive issues), though I could eat anything I liked. Louie came back after awhile, and I got discharged mid-morning. They took me down in a wheelchair and helped me into the car and we went home. I really can’t say nice enough things about the nurses and the staff at St. Clare: they were fantastic across the board and I would gladly have stayed another day for their help.
Getting home went well, and then getting into the the house wasn’t so bad. I couldn’t walk too well, it was impossible to stand upright, but I made it and he helped me get situated on the bed. And that was the day really. Each day has gotten a little better, and today I woke up feeling the best yet, thankfully. I am still not sure if I can sit up for a long time–it’s easier to stand up or lie down, but I feel like today I might be able to sit upright longer than before, and will try to walk around the house even more. I’m not on the stronger pain pills anymore–I started cutting those off on Monday but I’m still taking regular ibuprofen and tylenol. My incisions hurt sometimes, and itch sometimes, and definitely freak me out, but they look like they are healing just fine.
My handy-dandy water cup from the hospital. They kept refilling it with ice water and it was the best thing ever. I am still using it and using the ice water as well.
The days have passed quickly, and Louie has been the best at helping out: the first few days I needed him for absolutely everything and he was amazing. We had people stop by and bring food and visit and that has been really nice too, much nicer than I realized. I didn’t share much beforehand with people, and I shared on instagram, and the well wishes really lifted my spirits. I’d been feeling stressed out, and a bit lonely and depressed, and it is so wonderful to be on the other side of this. I am thankful to my family and friends for being there for me, and for being supportive and helpful and kind and generous.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have to have another surgery, but if so, I think I’ll have a much better idea of what to expect. I also hope that I can better support my friends and family who might go through a similar thing.
Muriel, lending her support.
I am still feeling okay sitting here typing, but I might go lie down again soon anyway. The one thing people keep emphasizing is to take it easy especially as you start to feel better, and that you might get really tired all of sudden. I am planning to do some teaching starting on Monday, but I need to be able to sit upright for several hours at a time for that. I think I should be okay, as today is only Wednesday and I can tell I’m feeling better today than yesterday, but continuing to rest and do light walking around the house will probably help the most.
I had been unsure of what to pack for the hospital. I packed some toiletries, pjs, a change of clothes, my kindle, chargers, and an extra battery pack for charging. I didn’t need most of this: I wore my glasses the whole time, I did brush my teeth but not the first day. The battery pack was useful though so I could have my phone near me overnight without risk of it dying. I couldn’t concentrate well enough to read my kindle, and of course I was wearing the gown and slipper socks they gave me and that was fine. I was glad to have my things with me in case though, so there’s no harm in packing more than you need, but I guess I really only needed my phone battery pack and charging cord, my toothbrush and toothpaste, and a ponytail holder for my hair.
So that’s it, one week later. I think it was just about one week ago exactly that I was waking up, so I’ve come a long way in that week. One last thought, as I was waking up, I remember thinking to myself that while I could wake up, it didn’t matter, because I had the rest of the day off, and I could finally just rest. It has been nice having time off just to rest, and letting myself heal, and knowing that that is all I really have to do.
