Category Archives: Deep Thoughts

Deep Thoughts, Love

Resting and Recovery

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I mentioned I was having surgery, so I thought I’d check in and tell you a little about how it’s been going.

I think there are moments in your life, little moments, that change you all the time. And then there are moments in your life, big moments, that you know you will never be the same after. This fits into the latter. I’d had some medical procedures, but this one has changed me forever. And I don’t just mean physically, but with everything.

How do I mean? Okay, so without specifically putting my entire medical history onto the internet, I will say I had laparoscopic surgery on some issues with my lower abdomen. It was what needed to happen to resolve some issues I’d been having. I knew back in May that I would be having this surgery, so it was scheduled for several months.

I was so stressed about it. I pretended I wasn’t, and put on a good face for everybody, but I was. I was scared of the pain. I was, well, afraid of my own mortality, because I thought, this is the first physical thing that I have had that is truly irreversible, I’m getting old, nothing will ever be the same again, what if I never wake up from surgery even, those sorts of thoughts. And I was scared of the pain, that it would hurt and how I would deal with that.

Muriel never lets things bother her. Not actually true, as evidenced by her anti-vet behavior, but she certainly knows how to relax.

I realized, and this is stupid of me for realizing so late, that other people likely feel exactly like this going into surgery. How easy it is for us to compare our insides to other people’s outsides! How many times did I tell people good luck on their surgery and remind them of how successful it would be and that they had nothing to worry about? How likely it is that on the inside they were also terrified?

I had been so stressed that there were a couple of late night moments over the summer where I had a quasi panic attack, started crying and hyperventilating, that sort of thing. I just couldn’t imagine it. One of my coping mechanisms for life is visualizing outcomes, and for this I didn’t have enough to compare it too.

Luckily I had already been to the procedure center however, for an earlier procedure, and I did know what it would be like going under anesthesia, it was just the afterwards, and staying in the hospital, and being in pain that I had trouble with. And feeling like this was a decision I made, (the right decision, I believe) but still, I was doing something for an issue that wasn’t even causing me any obvious trouble.

As the time got closer, it became harder and harder to think or talk about, and the days just ticked down. My sister Leslie visited the two nights leading up to surgery as she was en route from her summer workplace to her home the rest of the year. It was a nice distraction. I had to drink a bunch of ensure drinks before the surgery, and wash with special soap.

Leslie’s cat Albergo enjoying my teaching chair.

Louie and I got up early a week ago, and arrived at St Clare Hospital by 5:30 am. Things got moving from there, checking in, paying, getting into my gown, getting my IV placed on my arm, etc. I was tired and stressed but also just ready to be done. The anesthesiologist came in to tell me what they would be doing, my doctor/surgeon came by (she was ready early, but we didn’t get started early), a bunch of other people stopped by, and then I was saying bye to Louie and they took me down the hallway to the surgery room. The people taking me (I don’t know if they were nurses, doctors, orderlies, whatever, you see so many different people) were joking amongst themselves about driving the stretcher, and seemed to enjoy their jobs. I imagine the sedation was already starting to kick in, but it was funny observing how my stretcher kept gaining people walking with us, from 2 people to 4 or 5 people. And then we stopped and I helped move myself from the stretcher to the operating table, and that’s all I remember of that.

I woke up in the recovery room with a nurse by me who I had met before. I was in pain, I felt cramping, pain, and also an intense feeling of having to urinate. She told me I shouldn’t have to but I insisted I did (I did) and I asked for more pain meds and asked how it went. She said it went very well, just as planned. I remember going in and out of sleeping there, and feeling like the pain was worst than I had imagined and wondering what on earth the anesthesiologist had meant about how they would make sure I was comfortable. I will say this: though I was able to sleep off and on, I was in no way comfortable. I don’t know if that is normal for surgery, but I was in quite a lot of pain for the rest of the day, and always wanted more medicine than they were willing to give me.

After awhile they took me up to my private room for the rest of the day and overnight. Louie was already there, and I was situated on the bed. I was more alert (likely not too much) but I wasn’t feeling well. The nurse tried to get me to eat some, and I was feeling nauseated. I finally did eat a little when she told me if I ate something she could give me a stronger pain medicine. I rested the afternoon away, and Louie napped as well–the room had places for family to sleep.

Anyway, I was up for eating by dinner time, so I ordered some food. I ended up not having much of an appetite, so I didn’t eat much of the quesadilla I’d ordered, but I did enjoy the chocolate brownie. (If you are staying at St Clare’s Hospital in Fenton, order the chocolate brownie). I was surprised by how many items there were on the menu to order, and I could have anything I wanted! It is too bad I was sick and wasn’t able to really take advantage of this.

I was still mostly lying on my side because of the pain and cramping, and my right shoulder also hurt tremendously. It had been hurting the previous few months and especially during opera, so I wasn’t super surprised, but since then it’s been fine, and I think that oddly the surgery made it worse! (this is a real thing.) At some point after dinner, Louie went home to sleep and see the cats. My night nurse gave me something to help me sleep, I think, and I ended up having the best night’s sleep I’d had in a long time! I believe I slept from 12:45 (the last time I called her in to help walk me to the bathroom) until 7 am.

Hospital selfie as I waited for check out.

I woke up and got my vitals checked (they did this periodically), got my medicine, and ordered my breakfast. I was pretty hungry but didn’t want to eat too much (they warned me not to because of digestive issues), though I could eat anything I liked. Louie came back after awhile, and I got discharged mid-morning. They took me down in a wheelchair and helped me into the car and we went home. I really can’t say nice enough things about the nurses and the staff at St. Clare: they were fantastic across the board and I would gladly have stayed another day for their help.

Getting home went well, and then getting into the the house wasn’t so bad. I couldn’t walk too well, it was impossible to stand upright, but I made it and he helped me get situated on the bed. And that was the day really. Each day has gotten a little better, and today I woke up feeling the best yet, thankfully. I am still not sure if I can sit up for a long time–it’s easier to stand up or lie down, but I feel like today I might be able to sit upright longer than before, and will try to walk around the house even more. I’m not on the stronger pain pills anymore–I started cutting those off on Monday but I’m still taking regular ibuprofen and tylenol. My incisions hurt sometimes, and itch sometimes, and definitely freak me out, but they look like they are healing just fine.

My handy-dandy water cup from the hospital. They kept refilling it with ice water and it was the best thing ever. I am still using it and using the ice water as well.

The days have passed quickly, and Louie has been the best at helping out: the first few days I needed him for absolutely everything and he was amazing. We had people stop by and bring food and visit and that has been really nice too, much nicer than I realized. I didn’t share much beforehand with people, and I shared on instagram, and the well wishes really lifted my spirits. I’d been feeling stressed out, and a bit lonely and depressed, and it is so wonderful to be on the other side of this. I am thankful to my family and friends for being there for me, and for being supportive and helpful and kind and generous.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have to have another surgery, but if so, I think I’ll have a much better idea of what to expect. I also hope that I can better support my friends and family who might go through a similar thing.

Muriel, lending her support.

I am still feeling okay sitting here typing, but I might go lie down again soon anyway. The one thing people keep emphasizing is to take it easy especially as you start to feel better, and that you might get really tired all of sudden. I am planning to do some teaching starting on Monday, but I need to be able to sit upright for several hours at a time for that. I think I should be okay, as today is only Wednesday and I can tell I’m feeling better today than yesterday, but continuing to rest and do light walking around the house will probably help the most.

I had been unsure of what to pack for the hospital. I packed some toiletries, pjs, a change of clothes, my kindle, chargers, and an extra battery pack for charging. I didn’t need most of this: I wore my glasses the whole time, I did brush my teeth but not the first day. The battery pack was useful though so I could have my phone near me overnight without risk of it dying. I couldn’t concentrate well enough to read my kindle, and of course I was wearing the gown and slipper socks they gave me and that was fine. I was glad to have my things with me in case though, so there’s no harm in packing more than you need, but I guess I really only needed my phone battery pack and charging cord, my toothbrush and toothpaste, and a ponytail holder for my hair.

So that’s it, one week later. I think it was just about one week ago exactly that I was waking up, so I’ve come a long way in that week. One last thought, as I was waking up, I remember thinking to myself that while I could wake up, it didn’t matter, because I had the rest of the day off, and I could finally just rest. It has been nice having time off just to rest, and letting myself heal, and knowing that that is all I really have to do.

Deep Thoughts, Hope

2021: Looking Back

I promised a recap of sorts of the year. I sometimes forget about 2021, and think we just finished 2020…I’m not sure what that means.

Highlights: getting a new President in January, getting vaccinated in March, getting to see my parents in person again, taking a trip to Arkansas, weekly zoom visits with my family, actually visiting family in New York over the summer and having them visit us too, teaching in person again, having an outdoor in person recital in May, seeing students graduate and perform in person, attending concerts again, having meals with friends at restaurants, enjoying food from my garden over the summer, eating foods I’ve prepared (fresh, frozen, and canned!), getting outside for walks and hikes, summer “happy hour” outside on our new patio furniture, watching the cats on the catio, taking a few short trips, getting a new back porch built, getting stuck in a bison jam at Lone Elk Park, visiting family over Thanksgiving and Christmas, seeing so many different lights in December, hosting two small holiday gatherings at my house…

It’s funny, I didn’t realize what a wonderful year I’d actually had until I just scrolled back through my posts and my calendar. I thought of 2021 as being a pretty blah year, but really, we did a lot of really fun stuff and I need to be better about counting my blessings, as they say! It had some downs, but it had a lot of ups as well.

Books: I’ve listed books throughout the year, but I thought I’d mention a few that have stuck in my head the whole year. The Girl with the Louding Voice by Abi Daré, Wish You Were Here by Jodi Picoult, How the One-Armed Sister Sweeps Her House by Cherie Jones, The Glass Hotel by Emily St. John Mandel, American Royals by Katharine McGee. There are more I enjoyed, but those I particularly enjoyed.

Concerts/Shows: We saw Opera, symphony, jazz shows, so wonderful! I particularly enjoyed watching my student Catherine play her Senior Recital live at Wash U, seeing my sister Carrie play a Doctoral Recital streaming, seeing the Clark Terry Centennial Concert at Jazz at the Bistro in December, seeing Opera Theatre St Louis’s production of Highway 1 by William Grant Still, and seeing a few SLSO concerts in the fall, though at the moment none in particular are sticking in my head. I also loved seeing A Christmas Carol at the Repertory Theatre.

Food: homemade fruitcake, homemade eggnog, orange chocolate chip ricotta cookies, dilly green beans for canning, dinner at Louie, dinner at the Crossing, corn casserole, cinnamon rolls, frozen peaches at my Mom’s, fish tacos and shrimp fajitas at Lily’s Mexican Restaurant, goodies from Nathaniel Reid Bakery for Louie’s birthday, dinner at Brave New Restaurant in Little Rock, swiss chard pesto with bucatini pasta, tofu enchiladas at Mezcalitos’ in Atlanta, and more!

Downs: there are many I won’t list, but the attempted coup/insurrection on 1/6, people taking the side of the virus for political gain, having to keep worrying about COVID and losing work again, getting things canceled due to COVID, people getting sick, worrying about family, being busy and stressed out (especially in the spring), not being able to travel freely, having to worry about the reaction of other people in rural areas when we wear masks in public, having to wear masks in public still because not enough people got vaccinated to avoid more mutations, etc, etc, lots of downs due to COVID concerns and worries. (And it’s a new year, I know, but I have students who are currently sick with COVID and missing their lessons.) Ugh, and feeling like my go to cloth masks aren’t good enough but not likely any of the other mask options I currently have…

So, here we are on January 10: what’s next? I don’t have any real New Year’s resolutions, other than, get through it! Hoping to travel this summer, planning not to take on too many commitments, see more concerts, cook more, do a garden again, read a lot of books, exercise, hike and walk, keep decluttering the house, maybe get a new roof, do activities with friends, and who knows what the year will bring!

Did you make resolutions? Did you have a good or a bad year, or somewhere in between? Read any good books lately?

Deep Thoughts, Quarantine, Random thoughts

Rainy Day

We’ve had some snow here, finally, though no snow day. And today I think all the snow is going to get washed away with rain…the weather says currently we are having a frozen mix but it just looks like rain to me so I think my app is a little off.

The weekend ahead is like all of the weekends, nothing really going on after my Saturday morning CAD (Improvisation) Class. I’ve been enjoying teaching two classes a week to a small amount of students, though I need a few more to really make it fun for everybody. Time will tell though, I’m sure.

This week was difficult as far as being exhausted and headache-y. The fall semester started up for both of my colleges so I had a full schedule, lots of computer time, plus getting up around 5:30 am to get to my before school classes in person three days a week. I am going to three different elementary schools in my district each week to teach one small class (ranges from 2 to 4 students). The district is good in that we are only teaching kids who are already in the same classroom, and we leave before the rest of the kids show up for the day. But it’s still a lot of being around people, compared to not being around people at all. I also started teaching a small ensemble class in person, only 4 of us total in a very large room.

The good news is that my parents and two of my sisters have gotten their first vaccination shots. I’m happy for them, but I’m a little jealous that other states are already inoculating teachers and Missouri says it’ll be a few more months. It’s odd, reading news stories about how children need to be back in school and we need to get teachers vaccinated so they can return to the classroom…they are back here in Missouri, with varying degrees of being allowed to work from home and varying degrees of how many students are back. My district is good in that they require mask wearing (no issues with the kids and that) and that they seem to be doing a good job contact tracing all illnesses. But still, it’s a risk, and the only thing I could have done to avoid the risk was to quit my job.

It’s also odd seeing people so upset about places reopening indoor dining here and there…I can’t imagine eating indoors at a restaurant. I just can’t. I haven’t eaten a meal with anybody except Louie since it got cold (we had a few outdoor get-togethers with friends earlier) and I haven’t eaten a meal indoors with anybody since my sister Leslie and her family left after visiting in early September. We knew their visit was a bit risky but they had been limiting their exposure at that point and so had we. Once Louie went back into the classroom in the fall I felt our risk as a couple was higher and now that we are both in person 4 to 5 times a week I continue to believe that any level of socializing outside of our house, barring some sort of very spaced/distanced outdoor activity would be incredibly irresponsible. It is both our responsibility not to bring COVID home from work but also not to take it there.

How do you all deal with the isolation? I spend entirely too much time online, yet I feel like that is one of my limited connections to people. I feel pretty isolated from any friends I had before, and I had already been feeling like most of those friendships were surfacey and limited anyway. Other friendships seemed to be based more on doing things which will likely return when doing things returns…I’d love to have a few more friends I could talk to, but I don’t feel like scheduling more zoom meetings, and sometimes texting feels exhausting. My work schedule this school year has been pretty exhausting, and though having the weekends free helps recover, I find myself just wanting to spend the weekend lying around reading and don’t have the energy for anything more, including social interaction of any form. Likely this is a bit of depression, but I’m hoping it’s all due to circumstances and will change with the change of weather, if nothing else.

I’ve been enjoying reading a ton of mystery novels lately. I like to find a long series and read the whole thing, so I get to experience one character finding dead body after dead body and helping the (often bumbling) detective solve the case. I particularly enjoy novels set in another country, usually England (currently reading a second series on the Isle of Mann, which is now on my list of places to visit someday.) I find reading is a nice break from hearing violin over the internet and it’s a quiet activity to do lying down.

I often wake up in the middle of the night stressed out about my work schedule and the future. The days are long, but absolutely possible, but I think it’s just getting up so early that gets me, and I (especially in the middle of the night) worry. I just worry, about the future of my career, the future of our country, and of our planet.

But I guess we will all continue pushing through, and keeping on. I think I’m just tired and need a change of scenery but that’s unlikely until after the school year finishes, so I’ll manage. I always remind myself many people have lived through worse, and while that’s true, it is pretty stressful living through a pandemic, dealing with the stress and worries of the coup and civil unrest (I find I cry a lot more often after January 6, it was some sort of breaking point for me), and trying to make it all work and hold it together all the time to be strong for the students. It’s a lot! I know other people have different or similar concerns, but we are all going through a lot right now.

Deep Thoughts

Figuring it out

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and bullet journaling lately and really trying to figure out my next steps. I’m not talking about anything drastic (or am I) but more like, how do I keep the good stuff from this pandemic time of life? In other words, do I want to return to the gigging life that I was doing before, or do I want to just focus on my teaching?

So many of my colleagues have expressed their sorrow and dismay at missing playing music together, and maybe I’m just already so jaded and dead inside (half kidding), but I don’t miss it. I miss seeing people, oh for sure, but I don’t miss the supposed joy of music-making.

I have always been a great lover of playing in a large ensemble/orchestra, and I can remember the feeling of being onstage for my first youth orchestra rehearsal, and my first All-State Orchestra rehearsal, which were my earlier orchestral memories. And so many times since then, I loved playing some fantastic pieces for orchestra, and I had so many wonderful opportunities to perform with terrific musicians and loved so much of it!

But the drudgery was also there, and what was supposed to be a dream job, playing in an orchestra full-time, just wasn’t. It was drudgery, it was something I didn’t look forward to and ultimately, something I dreaded. But I continued seeking great experiences and while freelancing in Cleveland I found some of the joy of playing orchestra again, but also so much of the drudgery.

I’d thought when I moved here to St Louis that I would have a similar experience with orchestra, where it was a lot of fun but also not as fun, but it turns out that instead it was too far to drive to play with a group, and the local group wasn’t interested in me because I had the wrong teacher, and then after that because I was divorced from a member of the group, and so then here I just sat. I played a lot of chamber music, which was often rewarding enough, but it has never been my great love. It’s too dependent on personalities, and I often feel like it’s just an extension of what I do with kids all day long…I teach so much that I’d love to just make music instead of having to convince people how to do something or spend too much time figuring out what’s going wrong and having it be so dependent on me.

I think, perhaps for string players, some of the appeal of orchestra is NOT having to figure out the problem, to just being able to show up, do your best, and let somebody else tell you what to do. Granted, the appeals of orchestra are the same things that cause the difficulties and the drudgery, but it is nice, as an adult, to have a time where things are just not your responsibility. Chamber music never has that, and while that’s also a net positive, it’s tiring.

I have spent so much of my adult life pushing myself to work longer, to work harder, to hustle, to network. And then the pandemic hit, after I felt I was really getting somewhere here, and all the playing work disappeared. And then I just waited, and I taught, and then I realized, oh, no, plenty of people are doing outdoor work, but not me. It didn’t matter, absolutely none of the things I’d done over the past years mattered, and I was absolutely alone in my career. There was nobody who had my back or cared if I ever worked again.

That might sound harsh, but it really is true. There are some musicians who recommend me and call me for this or that now, and some excellent church music directors that I am glad to work with, but nobody really cares. Why should they? If I never perform on violin again, I don’t think anybody apart from my mom will miss it.

So where does that leave me? One, it tells me there is no point is trying to take a whole bunch of jobs in order to end up with the ones you enjoy. No job seems to lead to another job, it’s all negated here in St Louis by the fact that I am not from here anyway, so I might as well only take the specific jobs that I want in the moment and say no to any others. I’ve tried taking all the jobs, and that made people angry. I’ve tried being loyal to certain groups, and that didn’t earn me any points, and I’ve tried taking only the jobs that don’t conflict with other jobs…and it all ended up with nothing. So I think I’ll take jobs I want to do, and mostly not take anything that conflicts with my current teaching schedule.

As far as teaching, I have a busy but manageable schedule as it stands. I don’t think I should take any new students at the time as I’m adjusting to my new morning schedule, haven’t lost any students yet going into January, and don’t know how many college students I have. I may be teaching an ensemble in person at one college, and I’ve added two group classes in improvisation/Creative Ability Development per week, which I’m looking forward to. I have enough going on, probably more than enough, and I need to consider getting back into a practice routine again.

I’m also continuing playing with my band and we are looking to replace Meghan (who moved to Germany) with somebody else, and fingers crossed that continues to be fun. I don’t always love it, especially  not when I’m tired and overly busy, but I’ve enjoyed the music making and the improvisation that I’ve been pushed to do, so it’s a good thing to keep doing. I’m also happy to play some more serious concerts, and I would love to play some shows at the Fox again if and when traveling shows start traveling again (it makes me crazy busy but the pay is great and I really do enjoy it.)

So there are my thoughts on a Sunday morning. I’ve learned over the years that a career is everchanging, and often I think I’ve got things figured out and it turns out either than I don’t, or maybe I did and then things changed. I also find that things tend to work out well enough if you are willing to work hard, and that has continued to stay true throughout all my career changes.

This isn’t a career change, but a mindset shift. I don’t need to operate my career from a scarcity mindset anymore. I’m not desperate for cash, I just need to maintain a steady income like most people, and want to do that in the most fulfilling way.

The last thing I really started thinking about recently was that I have spent too much of my career worrying about what other people think and letting what they think about my career dictate my choices. Nobody cares, except when they are judging what you do, right?Musicians always think their way is best and that people going a different way are wrong or inferior. I’ll just do my thing.

Things are always changing. Every year things look different, and I’m always adding and subtracting. The title of this post says “figuring it out” but of course I haven’t figured it out, but I’m always trying to Smile

Deep Thoughts

Anxiety

These are stressful times. Here we are, living through this pandemic, over 200,000 Americans have died, and others act like everything is fine and it is all overblown. Every day we are bombarded with more bad news about what our government (though I’m not sure we should use the word “our” anymore, since most of the so-called elected officials act on their own behalf and did not receive as many votes as other officials—I’m talking about the fact that the president didn’t win the popular vote, that most Senators represent a smaller amount of people than they should in a democracy), but every day like I said, more bad news. People being killed by police and shot by vigilantes, people dying of a disease running rampant, women getting hysterectomies in prison camps without knowing they would be r why, a president saying he won’t step down and doesn’t think the ballots should be counted, and the GOP just not caring and being fine with it if it means they can stay in power in order to force their will on us all.

So yeah, I’m a little anxious. I did a “yoga for anxiety” video yesterday but it didn’t really take. I suppose I’ll have to try again, but it seems like, I shouldn’t try to just calm down and act like everything is okay. It’s not okay. I run errands feel like every time I enter a store I’m entering a potential hazardous waste area. Louie goes into work and has to constantly worry about getting too close to the students and how long he is in a room with how many. He can’t just heat up his lunch at the kitchen and eat there, he has to go back to his office and eat alone so he can safely remove his mask. It’s all a whole bunch of little things that add up to constant, never ending stress.

So how are you all doing? I said to an adult student last week, “oh, hanging in there,” and she said, oh you know when a midwestern says “hanging in there” they are on the edge!

But let’s see. Not everything is bad. If I pretend that it is totally normal that you wear a mask everywhere, many of your neighbors think fascism is a-okay and that Black lives don’t actually matter, that it’s okay that we are at what, 10 percent unemployment including my sister being at full unemployment, my other sister being somewhat unemployed…that’s just in my immediate family.

Like I said, nothing everything is bad. My new job is fun. It would be even more fun in person, the way it should be, where I teach kids to play the violin where I can see them and hear them NOT over the internet and NOT at their homes where they are sitting at couches and where they have to be muted most of the time and I can’t really see if they are paying attention and I can’t really see if they are totally disengaged and I can’t really hear if they are playing. I can’t imagine doing this all day long, I teach for 30 minutes and I’m just overcome with WHY was this on the back burner for the US? Why didn’t they keep bars and restaurants and such closed, and prioritize opening the schools, and hire even more teachers and really put money towards the education of our children? Oh, because we don’t care. We don’t care about chidren, we don’t care about the poor, we don’t care about anything or anybody except ourselves. We couldn’t pay people to stay home in order to get kids back out into schools so they could learn and be engaged and be outside of their homes. And yet people are saying, open the schools, and maybe we will open the schools, but it would be the way we opened restaurants. We didn’t open bars and restaurants because it was safe. We didn’t see how many people could actually fit into each one and how many cubic feet of air there was and determine what the airflow would be. They just took the fire safety numbers and divided them up and said, okay, go ahead, who cares if you get sick, you’re on your own. And I fear we will do the same with schools (and I know some are open) and that people will say, oh who cares if teachers get sick, they signed up for this, just like apparently they signed up to get shot and to get denigrated by society and get paid very little while working all summer long to prepare for this fall of having no idea what would happen and working all weekends.

That’s where I am. This week has been very hard, mentally. I have gotten used to getting up earlier. I’m enjoying teaching the kids, though I feel like it isn’t real. I’m enjoying learning from some more online seminars I’m doing, and I’m working on some pieces to record for an upcoming concert.

Oh, and Sunday afternoon I’m playing a benefit concert with my band, to benefit the Oregon Food Bank (Michael is from Portland and we wanted to help out people affected by the fires). It’s in person (socially distanced, please) outdoors but we will also livestream it. It is always good to do things to help other people, and I hope you can attend virtually and donate as well.

I’m pretty tired, I guess, for being used to getting up early. I am feeling pretty burned out already, and maybe that’s because not having very much true human interaction other than Louie is a bit difficult. I see people all day long online but it’s all very superfluous and tricks my brain! I also just need a nice weekend to relax but I keep having commitments as always…I suppose you can’t teach old dogs new tricks (I’m the dog in this analogy). But this weekend is mostly free, except for Saturday morning and the benefit concert, so it should be relatively relaxing.

I’m sorry but not sorry to be so cranky and political. I should try to avoid the news I think, but it’s hard to do so. It’s also hard to pretend everything is fine when my life is so different because of COVID and the horrible lack of response by the government (and our governor and his wife have it now…the unelected governor who refuses to even encourage people to wear masks…has COVID. Not shocking in anyway.)

IMG_6615

Okay, a few positives: the cats! How cute are they? They are enjoying this open window weather (as I am) and since I’m home all day I can just leave the windows open and let the house air out. The cats enjoy me being here too, though I suspect they take it for granted. I still can’t believe Miles was lost for 11 months!

Deep Thoughts

Black Lives Matter

Suddenly everybody is saying this, and it’s great and terrible. It’s terrible it has taken us so long to do so, and it’s terrible we have to. I have been afraid, and then I was reading something about if white people are afraid to speak because they are afraid to say the wrong thing, then imagine being a Black person, the fear they live with. But it’s great that we are talking now, and that more and more people are realizing that things aren’t equal.

So I’m sorry. I support the protests: I think they are wonderful, though I’m scared for the people. I think that the police need to stop murdering Black men and women. Police brutality is a terrible problem, and I see so much of it on twitter these days in the protests, and I realize it’s been going on this whole time, but now I am really seeing it clearly. I’m scared for our country (especially since the president is going full fascist calling in the military and nonviolent protestors are being gassed for photo ops), but I’m hopeful. I am thinking about my own life and how I treat people, and things that I’ve learned in the past and things that I know now, and thinking about how I can do better to fight against systemic racism and to be part of the solution.

So if I’m saying the wrong thing, so be it. Others have said things far more eloquently than me, and that’s great. I’ve been reading and trying to learn. I’ve been contacting my congressmen and I’ve been donating. This article gives some great places to donate, if you are able to do so, but there are many. Look around. Support Black-owned businesses (I read that you should capitalize Black which is why I’m doing so, I hope that’s correct) in your local town or city. Protest if you feel you can and do what you can.

I have to consider other things too…how do I perform more music by Black composers and how do I work with more Black people and how do I deal with the fact that I work in a predominantly white field with concerts primarily attended by white people and play for organizations that are run by people who make racist statements? How do I reconcile all of this for myself, and what do I do to change things from my position? This is all stuff I’m pondering, and I don’t want to just move on when things die down and then get bogged down with life again, as has happened over and over again.