So FRIDAY is the trip to Italy. I have a long to do list, but it’s mostly fun stuff.

Tonight I played my last concert of the “season”. It’s been a CRAZY year but so much fun. I don’t know quite what will happen performance-wise over the summer other than a concert with Jen on July 31, but it’ll be nice to have some time to relax. I have a long to-do list of fun stuff I want to do in St Louis this summer too. (Note my usage of the hyphen this time. Which is correct, I’m too lazy to bing it. Trying that one out. Doesn’t seem to work, does it?)

But first, Italy! Let’s see. I found euros in an old wallet from my Paris trip of yore. I thought it was going to be a few, but it ended up being 35 euros. Did I already tell you that? That’s probably along the lines of a “and then I found 5 dollars” story but I was really pumped. I sound poor don’t I?

Fun things that have happened: (I’m going to number them, in no particular order and for no particular reason.)

1. Somebody wrote a blog post about the Perseid Quartet’s recent performance at the Kemper Art Museum.

2. Illumine Ensemble: Next to last performance, same as tonight. We didn’t have the full house we were hoping for, but we had an appreciative crowd and I’ll take that over numbers any time. Of course I’d prefer both, but I didn’t manage to market as much as I usually do.

For instance I didn’t post this until now. This is what we played tonight. It was a blast! The food was really tasty too, and the eggplant on the poster is really creepy…and hopefully didn’t scare people away. I scored a free Civil Life Brewing Company T-shirt for Louie tonight (I’m less of a t-shirt person).

3. We went to dinner at Lona’s Lil Eats and the SLSO concert on Saturday night. It was a fun night. Lona’s was in my old neighborhood, though not there when I lived there. The symphony was fun though I got a little emotional about it…sometimes it’s tough to see my ex there. We had a long time together, and not so long apart even though it feels like it. After the concert we shut down Urban Chestnut Brewing Company with our friends and it was a really fun night.

4. Cats. CATS.

I’ll miss those guys when I’m in Rome. A little bit at least.

5. I’m taking some time off from playing now (other than teaching the rest of this week.) I fell back in February and to be honest my pinky finger hasn’t really healed yet. I figure I’ll give it two weeks of honest to goodness rest and then if it’s still bugging me when I get home I’ll go in to see a doctor about it. I’m wondering if I have a small fracture or something. I have full mobility in it and it doesn’t hurt except when I do certain things on the violin, but it’s not right. Fingers crossed it’ll heal on it’s own: you know I am stubborn to a fault and hate going to the doctor unless absolutely necessary. I’m telling myself if two weeks off isn’t enough then the doctor is necessary.

Okay, that’s enough numbered lists! Tomorrow is Tuesday, and soon it will be time to go to Rome. Don’t hate me!

I’m having a hard time with titles lately. I suppose it’s best to write first and come up with a title later, but if you do that the box for title just yells “ENTER A POST TITLE” the entire time I’m writing. I’ll come up with something soon after I realize what I wrote about! (edited to add, I finished writing and have nothing. )

I’m stressed yet looking forward to the weekend. I realized that I used to book and play weddings all the time but lately booking them has been truly stressing me out. I don’t know why, but I feel like it’s just this huge weight, to put the music together, to make sure all the other players are going to be there, to write the checks and collect the money, it’s just causing me stress. I have TWO on Saturday, and I will be super relieved when they are over. Which is just ridiculous. I used to do this all the time!

Like I said, I’m looking forward to my two performances this weekend though, plus tomorrow night we are going to the symphony. I need to just focus on what brings me joy (I’m thinking of that book I haven’t read but everybody was talking about where you get rid of the things in your life that don’t bring you joy) : performing on my own terms, teaching mostly, reading books, eating good food, traveling, being outside in lovely weather, petting cats…and I get to do all of those things in the next few weeks if not tomorrow, so really, life is grand!

And it was brought to my attention that work-life balance is an illusion.  I haven’t read much Kierkegaard (that is to say, none) but found this quoted paragraph quite interesting:

“Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.”

I’ve prided myself on not having too many regrets in my life, but I recently read a quote that said basically, if you don’t have regrets you haven’t properly lived. Or perhaps you were just a bit unbalanced in your life in the pursuit of many wonderful things, and those wonderful things you were trying to do got in the way of other things, and you regretted later that you weren’t able to do it all. Or maybe it’s much darker stuff than that, but I like to tell myself that all my choices and directions my life has taken over the years have truly been leading me here and that HERE is a good place to be, and therefore I shouldn’t regret things that could have gone differently in the past. This all works well if we are in agreement that here is indeed a good place to be. If I didn’t agree with that, then I might have regrets. Though even so, perhaps I’d be heading somewhere else, that would be good when I got there. Maybe I am truly just an optimistic person, not even a cynical optimist.

Or I’m not making any sense at all and I’m just typing a bunch of gibberish. Or I’m just navel-gazing and patting myself on the back…what really is the difference between than and being introspective? And why write a blog if I can’t have some self-indulgent navel gazing once in awhile, right? Or all the time, or at least several times a week. Other people post articles about how introverted people run the world, or about how successfully married people do this or that better than you, or the best way to save money in jars. I sit down at the end of a long day (yes, musicians have those, even though we don’t have real jobs) and type my feelings out. So here we are.

(my new haircut)

I’m exhausted and just remembered a few things I need to take care of! I promise I’ll be back soon with a mundane post about kitties, but until then 🙂

Local readers, come check out my performances this weekend, Saturday night 8 pm, Irish Quartet at the Tavern of Fine Arts, and Sunday at 3 pm, Perseid Quartet at the First Presbyterian Church in Edwardsville. Follow those links for more information!

I feel like this year has been the busiest ever. That’s probably not true, but it’s certainly been a busier year than most in St Louis. Possibly all. I moved here in 2008 and since I’m a freelancer, it does take time to build up work and connections. I’m finally feeling like I’m at a great point here (means it’s probably time to move, hahahaha!) where the phone keeps ringing (email really, please email as it’s just so much easier to respond and give information for anything!) for students, gigs keep coming, and great chamber music opportunities abound. And I don’t like to say no, especially when money or potential musical satisfaction are at stake, so that means, busy, busy!

Right now I’m preparing for another performance of the Irish Quartet on Saturday (after two weddings I booked), the Perseid Quartet concert this Sunday, a concert with the Metropolitan Orchestra (a new-to-me group that I considered linking to but has an auto-play website and I just couldn’t…) on the following Sunday, and a neat set of concerts with the Illumine Ensemble called “Play with your food.” I have a couple other random things and one of my two student recitals…before we go to Italy. I think it’s safe to say that the time will fly by?

People often talk about a work-life balance. Often it’s in regards to women with children (I guess men don’t care, or at least that’s the impression I get from most media) but I think it definitely fits for people without children too. We have to balance work with our relationships—friends, family, partners. It can be tough. I haven’t had real issues with the partner side, and my family lives far away and I do visit some (I should do better), but the friends can be tough! I always wish I saw my friends more often, but it’s hard to do it with work—both theirs and mine.  And it’s always easy to think, oh, after this activity, or that activity is done, I’ll have more time. Occasionally that’s true (giant exam, huge project, audition, solo recital), but other times after a time-sucking activity is done another pops up to take its place. Fellow freelance musicians (or other adults!), how do you balance work and play? Aside from the obvious, work with your friends, which I also do.

Well, I’m off to practice. I was just typing this while drinking coffee. I’d thought to myself, I used to blog a lot more, and that was fun. Why not two days in a row? Why not indeed? And now practicing, a run (weather permitting) and teaching await, with possibly Mexican-themed celebrations at the end of the evening since Louie has a big test.

I don’t know exactly what to write today but I feel like writing. Or blogging, as it’s called in this format. Last night’s rehearsal was something else, and I don’t think I should go into it in a public forum, but it’s making me think quite a lot about people and how we react to one another. And how you don’t ever know what’s really going on inside people’s heads or behind the scenes.

I don’t care about making a lot of money. My career and life choices have never been based on that, and instead are based on personal fulfillment and making the world better. And I would never allow someone to make me feel bad about not having a lot of money, because that just isn’t something important to me. (Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to make a lot of money playing the violin, but I chose violin over money.)  Yet…I’ll let someone make me feel bad for something else, and the premise is the same. For instance, I might allow someone to make me feel bad about not having kids, or not being in the symphony.

ANYWAY. I’m not honestly sure where I am going with all of this, because there are so many things I shouldn’t say, and I’ve deleted more than I’ve left. And what I’ve left doesn’t even make sense on it’s own, but whatever. It’s my blog, and you already don’t expect it to make sense. The good thing is writing has solidified a few thoughts in my mind and I’m (again) ready to move forward in a positive way.

So that brings us to the next topic of conversation. Cats.

Look carefully and you’ll see two kitties eating. In the same area, and they both just dug in and didn’t fight! Small victory, but a victory nonetheless. Things are simpler and calmer around the house with only the two cats and one dog. And yes, simpler and calmer is a good thing.

Confession: I didn’t have tacos today.

BUT I did have tacos on (I think) Sunday night, so that totally counts, I believe. Vegetarian (perhaps even vegan, but I’m not counting) tacos with sweet potatoes, seitan, onions, and peppers. I am not a huge fan of peppers but I’ll tolerate red peppers that are cooked. I am a huge fan of onions and sweet potatoes though.

As an aside, I can’t say “sweet potato” without thinking of “Suite Potato” which was the name of a family concert with the Canton Symphony many years ago. My sister Leslie had this sad, homestar runner like way of saying “Suite Potato” that went on all season in anticipation of the family concert. I don’t have much recollection of the actual concert, but I do recall her saying “Suite Potato.”

I’ve decided that my life has gotten kind of boring lately. I’m spending entirely too much time focusing on the violin and teaching and playing and practicing and whatnot, and what is left? Yeah, sure, there’s running and dog walking and pet parades and such, but I feel like mostly it’s work and then TV watching. Which honestly, is totally fine LIVING it but writing a blog about it…perhaps a bit boring? Maybe it’s my fault for not making what I do sound more interesting. That’s probably what I really need to work on. Because obviously work is important and what people mostly do in their lives, right? And TV, especially Dr. Who and then Broadchurch because you miss David Tennant as Dr. Who, well those are both important and interesting…right?

One of the highlights of every week is quartet rehearsal.  We rehearse nearly every week on a morning, because that just works well for us. Oh, and we have a concert coming up on February 21 at 7 pm. I was thinking about playing chamber music the other day. While at school (back in the day) I wasn’t really into chamber music. I had a few groups here and there and they generally dissolved with great drama, anger, and resentment between the parties involved. We never managed to get our acts together and be mature enough to really have fun and play together. I’ll never know if this was mostly my fault or just bad luck but the most awesome part of my quartet is that AS OF YET we still get along well enough and respect each other and have a great time making music. I’m sure we each have days where we leave rehearsal a little annoyed and it’s not that every rehearsal is just a love fest (though many are, in that we end up just telling ridiculous teaching stories and waste half the rehearsal doing that!) but that we learn from each other, we work hard, and we are (mostly) all on the same page as far as our goals and our commitment to the group. I also feel that my playing has improved since joining the group and it’s just been one of my favorite things that I’ve been involved with in the past year. I’m really looking forward to our next concert as it includes two of my all-time favorite quartets—Borodin’s Quartet no. 2 (my guilty pleasure piece) and Shostakovich’s 8th quartet.

I was having a discussion with Louie the other day about being our best selves, and I said to him that I really felt I was in the best violin playing shape of my life. l don’t know if that’s true exactly, because how does one know? But I do know that I feel like I am, and that I feel like I’m becoming a real violinist, and a real person, and I’m not living in anybody’s musical shadow or following them around anymore, and it’s really been quite fun. I won’t say that I don’t have moments of feeling like a total failure but overall, I’m enjoying what I’m doing. I’m also not saying that my calendar is totally full and in fact today I thought to myself, wow I have mostly wasted the day AND I’ve gotten most of what I needed to get done done…I need more to do! But then I remembered a whole bunch of things that I should be working on so I think I just had one of those days where I didn’t feel stressed or productive. I could use more paying work, but who couldn’t? And I’m sure that the calendar will fill up and get crazy again soon and this is just the late winter lull…and I’m trying to take advantage of it and have fun! And it’s been easy to do that on the weekends at least.

Anyway, that’s my brain dump on this here “Taco Tuesday.” I had bean soup for dinner.

I like to take this stuff and make it in the crockpot. Today I added “Soyrizo”, carrots, a can of diced tomatos, and some barley I had on hand. It turned out great and I had nearly two bowls worth.